Lifeline
1
I never thought I would end up being married or having children, I was always the manic depressant, the one who was so pessimistic, wouldn’t believe anything anyone would tell them, but here I am looking down on what was my life. My husband sits there crying, constantly, he seems so lost, all my friends try as hard as they can but nothing seems to bring him from this depression, but I don’t want him to be like me, he’s the one who’s always been there, he got me through high school, even college, I went everywhere he did, went along on tour when his band went around the country, something about him made me alive, I forgot about all my problems and there was a smile on my face whenever he was around. When he asked me to marry him, oh my life, the smile never left my face, I took the big decision to stop taking my pills, I felt I didn’t need them, and it ended up fine, for the first year or two, up until we had little Mikey, after the birth I just overly became depressed, worse than ever, I couldn’t pin point where things went wrong, I hardly saw my child, I couldn’t bring myself to be near him, I’d lock myself away from everyone and everything. Until one day it was all too much the razors in the bathroom were calling my name, I snapped, I felt the need that I couldn’t live anymore, I didn’t want to be there I didn’t want anything except to be gone, the happiness gone, anything I had ever felt before, everything I had felt over the years were for nothing. I was worthless, nothing a nobody, Mikey would be better off without me, I’m sure Matt would be better off without me too, he and Val could be together, just how I had always seen them before, before I ended up in the picture, before he appeared to want me. Thinking back on things it was such a shock, I remember it so well, hey look, seen as though I’ve got the time I tell you it, just so I can remind myself of happier times, instead of looking down seeing his sad face, makes me feel even worse about what happened.
(Flashback)
“Matt, where on earth are you taking me? Seriously we need to get to lesson, Matt I mean it, you can’t skip anymore, you’ll get into so much trouble, please come on.”
I tried to pull him back with what little strength I had but it was no good he carried on pulling me towards the gate, I giggled at his creased brow that always showed when he thought seriously, he turned to look at me and he smiled, we got to his car and he pulled open the door ushering me inside before racing round and getting in on his side. The car jumped to life as he sped out of the space he had parked in and down the road.
“Matt come on tell me where the hell we’re going?”
I wined wanting to know where he was taking me, this was a serious I never skipped out on school, not even when I was sick did I skip out, Matt on the other hand always skipped, like I told him he’s going to be in so much shit for this when we get back. I looked out the window as the car pulled to a stop near some trees, why would he bring me here? As I contemplated reasons Matt had gotten out of the car and was now opening my door for me to leave, he took my hand and locked the car door before leading us off into the woods, keeping a strong hold on my hand, his fingers laced neatly between my own. As I looked down at our hands I felt a smile creep upon my face, in all the years I had known Matt he had looked after me and always looked out for me, those dimples that appeared whenever he smiled would melt my heart every time, he was the perfect person, tall, handsome, most would disagree with the tattoos and the metal hanging in his face but I liked it, gave him edge and more character, it worked for him and he knew how to deal with the negative reactions he would get to them, I could never do that, people would always taught me for my nose ring and the snakebites in my lip, most of my tattoos were covered, the plus of being friends with Matt, he knew Mike. Mike was Matt’s uncle and he was a tattooist, he was quite happy to tattoo Matt or his friends even though we weren’t quite 18 yet, soon though another month or so and we would become adults, able to leave high school and move on with our lives. Matt and the guys had a band and they were great, I love sitting in on their practises, listening to Jimmy hit the drums like a mad man, how Brian and Zack would play back to back as if they were on stage in front of thousands, Johnny the hottest bassist this side of town keeping everything together with his bass line despite what the others though he was almost the most important piece of the puzzle but they liked to take the micky out of him, but he is only just taller than me so I guess he bares the brunt of their tricks. And lastly we have Matt, my, my what can be said about him, the beautiful voice that he breathed out when singing, how he was so melodic and his words filled with so much emotion, sometimes brought a tear to my eyes, all of them were awesome and I keep telling them they will make it big, one day someone will reply back to them saying they want to take them on I just knew it, how could they not want to. As I was thinking I didn’t notice that he had come to a stop, I collided with his tall frame and we ended up in a heap on the ground my body pressed again his as his chest bounced slightly, he must have chuckled to himself, I quickly apologised and tried to get up but his arms had snaked their way around my body and were holding me firmly against him, my face started to blush as I felt embarrassed being this close to him. His hand had crept its way up and he was now cupping hold of my cheek bringing my face to look at him, I diverted my eyes to the ground as he held my face in place,
“Look at me Ruthie, please.”
His voice sounded so calm, almost shy, in all the years I’ve known Matt he is not a shy person, I didn’t know what the hell to do and I’m pretty sure this blush hasn’t gone yet, I bet I’m as red as a fucking lobster, the boy has no idea what on earth he is doing to me by holding me against him, he’s opening different doors, making me feel things someone like me never does because she’s the mentalist and the ugly one of the pack she should be aloud to come so close to what she thought was the best looking kid in school let alone be his friend, so many girls would shout things at me in the hallway, I can’t help being his friend, I couldn’t just stop, I was afraid to, I don’t even want to think about what it would do to me, what it would make me think or do. I shuddered at the thought and slowly moved my eyes to his, I was now staring down into the nicest eyes ever, the warm hazel eyes, compared to boring brown of mine, his hand kept stroking downwards as his other hand moved and cupped the back of my neck pulling me closer down to his and before I knew it a jolt of electricity ran through me as his lips moved against mine, a small gasp escaped and his tongue slipped through and met my own, I kissed back but I was in a state of shock, I had no idea what had caused him to do this. It felt so good I moved my arms up so I could latch them together around his neck while his travelled back down my body and gripped hold of my hips pulling me even more against his body, I sighed into his mouth before we both pulled away a little short of air.
“Be my girlfriend.”
I looked into his eyes with shock, had he really just asked me that, I thought he and Val had something, they looked like a perfect couple, I didn’t want to ruin anything for them, I didn’t get it, why had he kissed me? Why had he asked me that question?
“Ruthie?”
I was brought out of my thoughts as he spoke,
“Why?”
“Because after all these years of thinking about it I’ve come to a decision, I like you, I really do, and I want you to say you’ll be mine, that is if you want to, I mean I’m not forcing this on you or anything.”
It took all the strength in me not to get up and run, this was an odd situation for me and I wasn’t sure I liked it, it was weird, I’ve never had boys want me, yeah I’m friends with a load but I never thought that they might find me attractive in any way, I don’t know what the hell he was thinking when he thought about this. What the hell was I mean to say, I mean, he’s Matt, he’s been the one to look after me, he knows everything about me, yet he knows the least. Before I could comprehend my actions I leant towards him and placed my lips on his, I pulled back and smiled at him before feeling him pull me onto his lap and place his lips back to mine, his hands trailing circles on my hips and I reached my own around his neck linking my fingers together, I was enjoying myself it felt so good to be this close to him, having my lips on his moving in sync with every movement his made. I felt like all the depression, everything I had gone through was hitting a happy moment right now. This was the best thing and it was making me think that life now just might be worth living. I smiled to myself at that thought as I pulled back and whispered my answer.
(End)
You would think that after everything I’d still be with him, that we’d be as happy as were that day, but obviously things never work out how they want you to do they. I mean all the shit we went through with Val over it all, yeah I know, they were meant to be together but at what cost.
Matt and Val being together cost me my life. The fact that in one single moment everything I had built up, battling everything inside me, when I saw her put her lips to his check I hit the bottom, I instantly saw the sparks, and that I had ruined them being together for too long. So I did something about it, removed myself out of the picture.
I took my life that day.
But was it worth it?
(Flashback)
“Matt, where on earth are you taking me? Seriously we need to get to lesson, Matt I mean it, you can’t skip anymore, you’ll get into so much trouble, please come on.”
I tried to pull him back with what little strength I had but it was no good he carried on pulling me towards the gate, I giggled at his creased brow that always showed when he thought seriously, he turned to look at me and he smiled, we got to his car and he pulled open the door ushering me inside before racing round and getting in on his side. The car jumped to life as he sped out of the space he had parked in and down the road.
“Matt come on tell me where the hell we’re going?”
I wined wanting to know where he was taking me, this was a serious I never skipped out on school, not even when I was sick did I skip out, Matt on the other hand always skipped, like I told him he’s going to be in so much shit for this when we get back. I looked out the window as the car pulled to a stop near some trees, why would he bring me here? As I contemplated reasons Matt had gotten out of the car and was now opening my door for me to leave, he took my hand and locked the car door before leading us off into the woods, keeping a strong hold on my hand, his fingers laced neatly between my own. As I looked down at our hands I felt a smile creep upon my face, in all the years I had known Matt he had looked after me and always looked out for me, those dimples that appeared whenever he smiled would melt my heart every time, he was the perfect person, tall, handsome, most would disagree with the tattoos and the metal hanging in his face but I liked it, gave him edge and more character, it worked for him and he knew how to deal with the negative reactions he would get to them, I could never do that, people would always taught me for my nose ring and the snakebites in my lip, most of my tattoos were covered, the plus of being friends with Matt, he knew Mike. Mike was Matt’s uncle and he was a tattooist, he was quite happy to tattoo Matt or his friends even though we weren’t quite 18 yet, soon though another month or so and we would become adults, able to leave high school and move on with our lives. Matt and the guys had a band and they were great, I love sitting in on their practises, listening to Jimmy hit the drums like a mad man, how Brian and Zack would play back to back as if they were on stage in front of thousands, Johnny the hottest bassist this side of town keeping everything together with his bass line despite what the others though he was almost the most important piece of the puzzle but they liked to take the micky out of him, but he is only just taller than me so I guess he bares the brunt of their tricks. And lastly we have Matt, my, my what can be said about him, the beautiful voice that he breathed out when singing, how he was so melodic and his words filled with so much emotion, sometimes brought a tear to my eyes, all of them were awesome and I keep telling them they will make it big, one day someone will reply back to them saying they want to take them on I just knew it, how could they not want to. As I was thinking I didn’t notice that he had come to a stop, I collided with his tall frame and we ended up in a heap on the ground my body pressed again his as his chest bounced slightly, he must have chuckled to himself, I quickly apologised and tried to get up but his arms had snaked their way around my body and were holding me firmly against him, my face started to blush as I felt embarrassed being this close to him. His hand had crept its way up and he was now cupping hold of my cheek bringing my face to look at him, I diverted my eyes to the ground as he held my face in place,
“Look at me Ruthie, please.”
His voice sounded so calm, almost shy, in all the years I’ve known Matt he is not a shy person, I didn’t know what the hell to do and I’m pretty sure this blush hasn’t gone yet, I bet I’m as red as a fucking lobster, the boy has no idea what on earth he is doing to me by holding me against him, he’s opening different doors, making me feel things someone like me never does because she’s the mentalist and the ugly one of the pack she should be aloud to come so close to what she thought was the best looking kid in school let alone be his friend, so many girls would shout things at me in the hallway, I can’t help being his friend, I couldn’t just stop, I was afraid to, I don’t even want to think about what it would do to me, what it would make me think or do. I shuddered at the thought and slowly moved my eyes to his, I was now staring down into the nicest eyes ever, the warm hazel eyes, compared to boring brown of mine, his hand kept stroking downwards as his other hand moved and cupped the back of my neck pulling me closer down to his and before I knew it a jolt of electricity ran through me as his lips moved against mine, a small gasp escaped and his tongue slipped through and met my own, I kissed back but I was in a state of shock, I had no idea what had caused him to do this. It felt so good I moved my arms up so I could latch them together around his neck while his travelled back down my body and gripped hold of my hips pulling me even more against his body, I sighed into his mouth before we both pulled away a little short of air.
“Be my girlfriend.”
I looked into his eyes with shock, had he really just asked me that, I thought he and Val had something, they looked like a perfect couple, I didn’t want to ruin anything for them, I didn’t get it, why had he kissed me? Why had he asked me that question?
“Ruthie?”
I was brought out of my thoughts as he spoke,
“Why?”
“Because after all these years of thinking about it I’ve come to a decision, I like you, I really do, and I want you to say you’ll be mine, that is if you want to, I mean I’m not forcing this on you or anything.”
It took all the strength in me not to get up and run, this was an odd situation for me and I wasn’t sure I liked it, it was weird, I’ve never had boys want me, yeah I’m friends with a load but I never thought that they might find me attractive in any way, I don’t know what the hell he was thinking when he thought about this. What the hell was I mean to say, I mean, he’s Matt, he’s been the one to look after me, he knows everything about me, yet he knows the least. Before I could comprehend my actions I leant towards him and placed my lips on his, I pulled back and smiled at him before feeling him pull me onto his lap and place his lips back to mine, his hands trailing circles on my hips and I reached my own around his neck linking my fingers together, I was enjoying myself it felt so good to be this close to him, having my lips on his moving in sync with every movement his made. I felt like all the depression, everything I had gone through was hitting a happy moment right now. This was the best thing and it was making me think that life now just might be worth living. I smiled to myself at that thought as I pulled back and whispered my answer.
(End)
You would think that after everything I’d still be with him, that we’d be as happy as were that day, but obviously things never work out how they want you to do they. I mean all the shit we went through with Val over it all, yeah I know, they were meant to be together but at what cost.
Matt and Val being together cost me my life. The fact that in one single moment everything I had built up, battling everything inside me, when I saw her put her lips to his check I hit the bottom, I instantly saw the sparks, and that I had ruined them being together for too long. So I did something about it, removed myself out of the picture.
I took my life that day.
But was it worth it?