Dark Eyed Dreamers

He kept his eyes on his hands for a moment until he dropped them and turned to look back up at me. “The band, we’re going on tour,” he explained bluntly. I froze, not knowing how to respond. Fortunately, he spoke up again, saving me from having to say anything more. Unfortunately, what he said wouldn’t make things easier. “Like, the whole US,” he added.

“Wow,” I muttered. “When do you leave?” I asked. I could see him tense a little as he fidgeted in his spot.

“Tomorrow.” He dropped his gaze and I could feel my breath hitch in my throat at his answer. I hadn’t been given time to prepare for this and I didn’t know how to react.

“Jack, why didn’t you tell me sooner? This is awesome but I don’t really know what to do or say,” I confessed.

“Because I didn’t want to ruin our relationship,” he muttered.

“What?” I asked, my voice cracking slightly at the suggestion in his voice.

“Brianna,” he began before looking back up at me. “I don’t... I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he whispered softly before dropping his eyes yet again. At that moment everything seemed to stop. My heart was no longer pounding in my ears and my breathing wasn’t short or jagged. Everything had stopped.

“What?” I asked bitterly as if he were deciding to toy with me. Confusion was the only feeling I could muster other than the dull aching in my heart which seemed to grow stronger with every faint beat.

“I can’t see you,” he sighed. “There’s gonna be girls. There’s gonna be too much temptation and I don’t want to hurt you,” he admitted tensing slightly at his words. The aching now grew stronger, more painful. The ring on my finger began to burn into my skin and the pendant around my neck which I’d once treasured seemed insignificant and taunting. Everything I’d always wanted, everything I needed to get me by was sat in front of me and I couldn’t have it. The whole thing was just a huge ticking time bomb and I was the only person stupid enough to get close enough to be hurt this badly. I was selfish.

“Please tell me this is some sick joke. Please, tell me you’re lying,” I choked as my eyes began to burn.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed. I felt a surge of bitterness overwhelm me at his words. He wasn’t sorry.

“But you promised, you said you’d never leave me, you promised!” I sobbed as I felt myself go over the edge. He hung his head. He’d been everything, he took everything I could’ve given, and he gave me everything too. So why was he taking it back? It’d been three days since he’d given me the promise ring, he couldn’t be serious about this.

“I think,” he began, stopping to phrase his words. “This will be better for both of us. I don’t want to do anything that could make you upset,” he finished looking back up so his beautiful eyes could meet mine. I wasn’t even trying to keep myself contained as the tears pored over. It took every ounce of my energy to keep me fighting, I felt weak but I needed to fight.

“This doesn’t have to happen though,” I reasoned. “You can have all the girls, take them all, I don’t care-” I begged before Jack could cut me off.

“No. I couldn’t let myself hurt you,” he stated firmly.

“Do you think this doesn’t hurt? I’ve never felt pain like this!” I exclaimed. “Jack I love you, I really love you. I can’t just get over that.”

“I loved you too,” he replied. A stabbing pain took place in my chest, like an explosion. It chorused throughout my whole body at that one word. Loved. It was becoming a battle to keep breathing. It seemed like an easy choice to just give up, go limp and let the pain kill me, but I couldn’t just yet. I knew I was fighting a losing battle but I was begging to win. Grovelling.

“Jack. Why did you do all this?” I whispered with one last shaky breath.

“Because I don’t want to be alone,” he confessed. “There’s too much temptation. I’d be too vulnerable to say no.”

“Well, I could come and visit. Please,” I pleaded, not even stopping when my voice cracked.

“Anna you need to go to college. You need to get an education, put yourself before me.”

“No!” I snapped. “How could I? How could you even think I’d do that? I’ve put you first since I met you Jack! Do you have any idea how hard it is having everything pulled from you?” I retorted suddenly feeling a surge of anger and energy.

“Yes I do!” He retorted. “Do you know how hard it is to have to give up all you’ve wanted? Because that’s what I’m doing right now!” He stopped after his breath hitched and his voice began to snap. After regaining himself he carried on. “You’re the last thing I want to lose. I’ve been delaying this because I wanted to spend the last few weeks showing you how much I truly loved you. How much I cared,” he continued, calmer now.

“I’m willing to wait for you. You can use whoever you want on the road. I dunno you could use Louise. I don’t care because I know they’d mean nothing.”

“I’m not going to hurt you. I would never consciously cheat on you. Ever,” he muttered. “You’re the best friend I could ask for and you’re the best thing to happen to me,” he finished.

“Then why are you throwing me away?” I asked yet again. He stayed silent this time, this time holding his face in his hands as if it had truly hit him. I didn’t even say goodbye, without another word I rose from the table and walked away from him as if it’d ease the aching. The weird thing was, the further away I got, the stronger the aching became. Not only was it now pounding but it was running through every little vein. Every little part of me was stinging. The usually long walk took even longer on the way back. It was as though something was pulling me back, but I knew there was nothing. Jack wouldn’t come back. Jack wouldn’t stop me. Every few steps I’d have to wipe away a new tear that was cascading down my face. After I’d made a few corners I’d given up on trying stopping them. If Jack were here he’d wipe them for me. He’d calm me and tell me I didn’t need to worry about anything because he’d be there to help me. He told me he didn’t care what others thought about me because he loved me. I knew he still felt the same.

I knew just as well as he did but he was restricting himself. I couldn’t help but to think that there was something else I could have done. I began to blame myself. When I reached the place I called home I swung the door open, not caring to shut it before I fell to my knees and sobbed harder than I’d thought possible. All the pain was suddenly building up and releasing its strength in one burning surge. When this was over I was limp. I feebly pushed the door shut and dragged myself upstairs with the last amount of energy I had. I fell flat on my floor, as soon as I made it past the thresh hold. I remained silent, motionless as I allowed the water to dampen my face. I could hear the vibrations of the phone from up on the bed but I didn’t move to stop them. Soon enough the stopped, after a few minutes they started once again, then died. The vibrations became more frequent but I didn’t move to answer them. Instead I remained entirely motionless.