I See You So Please Stay Strong

“Baby,” I covered my mouth, coughing as I dropped to the multicolored throw rug covered floor and wrapped my arms around his waddling form. “Get your little bum bum back here Riot!” I blew a raspberry on his cheek, giggling as he burst out in loud, squealing giggles. “I’ve got you!”
“Mama!” He shrieked, his tiny hands flying around wildly as he kicked and squirmed in my arms.
“Mmm, really?” I giggled loudly, tossing him up and catching him as I wrapped him up in my arms. “Muhahaha! Bottle time?”
“BAHBAH!” He cried happily, clapping his hands together as he gave me his best cheesy, absolutely adorable, smile. “Jugahbogo! Mauhyorhoj! Mamoighabo! Sibogbhaho! Mabgour jouir betabus!”
I love his gibberish talk.
Absolutely adored it.
“Mm, really?” I giggled loudly, holding him above my head as I flew him into the pantry. “Burrrrrrrrrrrrrz! Zoooooooooooooooooooom!” I let him fall back into my arms, cradling his body to my chest as I opened up the fridge and got out a half filled baby bottle of apple juice. “Apple juice? Can you say Apple juice? You want some Apple juice?”
“Nahnah!” He clapped again, reaching for the bottle as he held it close to his chest and suckled on the nipple.
“Fruit Loops?” I asked, walking out into the kitchen and reaching up into the cabinet as I held him resting against my hip, grabbing the small capped container of the small sugar coated, multicolored, cereal loops. “Yummy.”
“Mummy!” He repeated, spinning it with his own baby talk.
“Yeah, yummy.” I fed him the fruit loops bit by bit, smiling as I stared at my amazing little son.
Riot James Alvarez was ten months and two weeks old.
And he was an absolute hoot.
He had mastered crawling and was now walking pretty well on his own. He still had to grip furniture and the wall so he could keep stumbling, but when he got going, you couldn’t stop him. He was faster than I could have ever imagined such a little body to be, but I guess the laws of length didn’t apply here. It was a strenuous task to keep up with him sometimes, and sometimes he lagged behind too.
But he’s only a baby and you couldn’t really get on him for not being sure what to do.
Shiny things were his best friend, especially when he found one that he didn’t own, but was about to. It was funny how many unidentified objects I winded up with in my purse each day.
He was a chubby little monkey, but what baby wasn’t? His eyes were a deep, chocolate brown, much like his fathers. In fact, he pretty much looked exactly like Dillon. From the dark, curly hair, to the deep eyes, and the defined facial structure; everything about him screamed Dillon. It was almost scary how much he looked like him, and it was definitely painful when I had to be with him all the time, only to realize that he looked nothing like me and everything like my ex lover.
And it hurt deep down, knowing that I had stolen a part of my son’s life away by leaving his father and my friends behind.
Though, I had done something right.
Riot knew exactly who Dillon was, I don’t think there was a day that went by when I didn’t show him pictures of him and tell him over and over again that that was his “Daddy”. Regardless of my leaving, Riot still knew who his father was.
And if I had my way, he always would.
It had been just around nine months since I had left Hollywood. After I kicked him out, I made the decision that I had to get out and that if I didn’t do it then, I would never do it at all. So I packed our bags, somehow managed to get most of his bigger pieces of furniture and toys into the back of the large van cab, stowed BJ and his things in the back, and had the forty year old Indian guy take us to the train station. After about a half hour of convincing the workers that I wasn’t a teenage runaway and that I needed to get on the next train to New Jersey, I had everything loaded up in the storage containers in the back and my very own compartment. They let me slip BJ in, even though they didn’t normally let large dogs like him on, but I kept him quiet and every accident he made, I cleaned up, so it was all good.
I never knew how well dog shit flushed down a toilet, but after that trip, I knew exactly where to throw his little ‘presents’ from now on.
The trip to New Jersey from Hollywood, California took us just around five days, during this time I called my mother, explained her everything, well, the less detailed everything, and found myself a place to stay. It was hard to go from living with your friends to living with your parents again, this time with your small child, but I had to do what I had to do. The first two weeks were rough and almost unbearable, but my father, the ever enduring mediator, made me and my mother sit down and come to terms.
And I realized exactly why they were married.
My mother could be a pain in the ass, to put it simply. But my father had always loved her and when she was with him, he made her a better person. Though she came at me headstrong and defensive, spitting vile words and harsh looks, she apologized and cried that she loved me.
And that’s when I found out that my mother was going through Menopause.
Woohoo!
Though, I couldn’t complain now. They were helping me so much, letting me not only have my old room in the basement back, but in fact giving me the whole basement floor to call my own. Now, don’t let that fool you. Our basement wasn’t a dingy, spider webbed, bug infested disease like most people’s were. The basement was decked out with a kitchen, panty, washer and dryer, heating, living room, dining room, bathroom, bar, and my bedroom.
So I couldn’t say that I wasn’t well off.
And the joys of your parents owning the house was that I didn’t have to pay rent, at least not yet. They understood I was getting on my feet and going through a huge trial in my life, so they were more then eager to help. Plus, they never used the space anyway. They hated having to go down the long staircase, so it didn’t hurt them that much to give it up to me and Riot.
Of course, my mother loved playing babysitter on her days off too, and it was amazing to see her come to life as a grandmother. It was something I hadn’t seen in her when she was my own mother, but maybe that was because everything I remembered about her was after I hit the evil teens.
I’m not positive, but right now, it was nice.
Positively, absolutely, nice.
Though I sometimes wished I could go back, there was just no way now, not after all this time and everything I had done. I left Dillon a small, lifeless note, telling him that no matter what, Riot would always be safe and that he should let the girls know that I love them and that I would miss everyone.
But that was it.
During the trip, I ignored all of the girls, and the guys, calls, and when I arrived, one of the first things I did was change my carrier and number.
Even if I really had the means to go back and fix this, I couldn’t. I didn’t have the guts to actually do it; I was a coward.
And there was no way I was going to deny that.