I See You So Please Stay Strong

It was quiet except for Riot’s shrill voice shrieking about how it was “Daddy!” in front of us. Obviously, I knew his excitement and I was happy for him that he was so ecstatic over finally meeting his father, but I couldn’t jump up and down like he was.
I wasn’t that enthused.
“What are you doing here?” He asked quickly, his lips moving slowly as he stared down at me. “I thought you ran away.” He spat the last two words, his mouth curved downward in a slick, disgusted frown. “For good.”
“Don’t be a jackas—“ Nita piped up heatedly, ready to defend me at a becons call, but I held my hand up, asking her to stop.
“No, let him.” I rocked Riot slowly, turning around as I held him out to Sarah. “Can you guys watch him for a few? I think me and Dillon really need to talk….and it’s not something I want him to hear.”
“Uh….what do I do?” She whispered heatedly, awkwardly holding him in her arms as she stared at me desperately.
“Just talk to him, about anything. He loves music. Play with him.” I handed Nita his diaper bag, motioning to the inside of it. “There’s snacks and his sippy cup and toys in there.”
“..Uh, okay?” Nita asked quietly, gnawing at her right lip ring as she followed the girls back inside, making their way into the small café that was conveniently located in the front of the large store.
“Bye,” Sighing, I waved at the guys, waiting for them to catch on. “Bye, bye?” I asked, staring at their unmoving bodies. “Get lost.”
“Aye, fuck you mami!” Charlie yelled, flipping me the bird as he huffed and stormed into the place, the rest of the guys scampering after him.
“Okay,” I mumbled quietly, leaning against the side of the building as I stared up at him. “Hit me with your best shot.”
“I ain’t gonna fucking hit you,” He swore, sighing heavily as he laid his body out vertically against the wall next to me. “I can’t fucking hit girls; I can’t hit you.”
“I meant…go ahead and let loose. I know you want to yell and I know you have a lot to say. Just say it. Give it to me.”
“You used to say that all the time,” He looked at the ground, grinding his teeth together as he ran his fingers through his hair. “But it was always sexual, never like this.”
“Why aren’t you yelling?”
“Because I don’t fucking want to!” He yelled, groaning as he let the back of his head hit the concrete lightly. “Fuck, I just did, didn’t I?”
“You might have, yeah.” Sighing, I rubbed the side of my arm, scuffing my shoe covered feet against the pavement. “Dillon, you have every right. I left you. I took our son and I ran off. I was a coward and a Bitch and I’m sorry. You have every right to yell at me.”
“I don’t want to,” Sighing again, he turned to face me, pressing his body against mine as he pushed me into the wall. “I just want to know what the fuck made you leave? Guin, I’ve been a fucking wreck without you. Fucking hell, you left with yourself, Riot, and you took BJ with you too. The note you left behind was so fucking minimal…God, it killed me. It’s not fucking fair, Autumn. Why the fuck did you do that? Why did you have to leave!?” His voice became louder as he put more conviction and truth behind his words. “I waited for so long. I called; I emailed. I tried every fucking thing. You never came back. I thought you died, Autumn. I really fucking did. You promised that Riot would always be safe, but you didn’t let me knew that you guys were safe. Do you know how fucking mad that drove me!?”
“I’m sorry,” I answered numbly, sighing heavily as I bit my bottom lip. “I know that means nothing, but I am. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t fucking cut it! Sorry doesn’t make up for the countless sleepless nights! Autumn, you just fucking left! You took my kid, you took my fucking heart, and you took my fucking dog! You just left!”
“I know! I know what I did! You don’t have to tell me over and over again!”
“Well, fucking tell me why then!”
“Because, I was scared!” I shouted, shoving on his chest as he pressed his body in closer to mine. “I was scared of never being able to get out! I fell in love with you and then things got complicated! We had a son together, Dillon! And you treated me like shit! And I didn’t feel loved! I didn’t get to do anything! I love Riot, but I wasn’t ready for how hard it was going to be with just me doing everything! You still got to go out and party! You still go to hang out with our friends! You still got to have fun! I had to sit home and be a house wife and take care of a crying child. I love him and I loved you, but I was so lonely! And then you told me I couldn’t go on tour! You were leaving me for months, by myself, with Riot, with BJ; by myself. You were leaving me with our son, all alone, while the girls got to go. I understand it was hard and I don’t blame you anymore….but it hurt. It hurt so bad and you just didn’t want to make it better.”
“And you think leaving was the right thing to do? God, Guin, that’s so fucking pathetic. You’d give up like that over me not letting you come on tour? Really, that’s fucking pathetic. You’re fucking immature if you left because of that, because I know damn well that treating you like shit part is bullshit. I tried so hard to be a good guy; a good father. I bought him stuff when you didn’t; I took care of him the entire night when you were sleeping after giving birth. I’m twenty fucking three; I don’t know how to take of a kid. I’m a fucking kid myself, but I did it. Don’t fucking put bullshit out there about how I didn’t care or do anything. And I had to go out, my fucking job, the one that pays the bills, is singing and playing shows. You fucking know that.” He licked his lips, glaring down at me as he snaked his arm around the back of my neck, holding my body against the bright building roughly. “You’re acting like a fucking child. You left me because you couldn’t handle it? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Everything,” I answered truthfully, trying not to let the tears slip as I bit at my bottom lip nervously. “You know that’s true, Dillon. Everything was always wrong with me. I never understood how to be normal, I never did. And then you came along and I had to work with you to be in a relationship. I had no clue what I was doing but you still made me stay. And maybe I was a coward and maybe I fucked up; royally. But you knew I was fucked up the beginning, Dillon. I have baggage, some major pieces, and I only made it worse. But you didn’t help either and you’re certainly not perfect. You have a lot of flaws; a lot.”
“We’re not fucking talking about me! We’re talking about you! Don’t fuck—“ I cut him off, pressing my hand over his mouth.
“I don’t want to do this, Dillon. I want to hold my baby; I want to take care of him. I’m sorry I left like a coward and I’m sorry I hurt you, but enough is enough. I’ve plead my case and I’m not going to get into a bitch fest because you want to fight. I don’t want to fight, Dillon. I just want to take care of Riot.”
“I want to fucking know him,” He spat, glaring down at me. “But that was stolen away from me a long time ago. “ With that he walked into the store, his body stiff with anger as he hunched forward.
Fuck.
“Maybe I should go home,” I said quickly as I followed him in, making my way to where the guys and girls were sitting, Riot’s small form on the table in front of them as he went on and one about his daddy and “Jabajajakukakaik gkgugughauka”.
Whatever the hell that meant.
“No,” He turned around, his finger directly in my face as he stared down at me. “You’re not going anywhere. Because if you leave, so does Riot. And I actually want to fucking know my kid. So sit down, shut up, and let me fucking talk to him.”
“He can’t really talk,” I mumbled quietly, staring at the floor like a docile, abused puppy.
“Then I want a hug, dammit.”
“He can do that,” I sat beside Nita, sighing heavily as Riot stared up at Dillon excitedly holding out his arms as he tried to get at him.
“Hey buddy,” Dillon picked him up carefully, grinning brightly as his hips started to sway, slowly rocking the tiny fellow. “Look at you, you got so big.”
“Dada!” Riot cried, grinning happily as he adoringly stared into Dillon’s eyes. “Wub!”
“Wub?” He asked, looking down at me, expecting an answer.
“Love,” I muttered, holding myself close as I willed the tears to go back into their sockets. “He loves you.”
“I love you too, monkey.” Dillon grinned, laying a kiss on his forehead as he smiled proudly at him. “I love ya too.”
I was really glad my son was so happy to see his father and I’m glad the girls were back in my life, at least for the time being.
But I already felt void, empty, and in pain.
It hurt so much worse than anything I had ever felt before; worse than childbirth, worse than losing your virginity, even worse than getting in a car accident.
What hurt so damn bad was hearing your heart break as you worried about how your biggest and only love was about to get ripped away from you.
Please, God, don’t let him take Riot from me.
Please.