I See You So Please Stay Strong

“Baby?” I heard grumbled out against my ear, the low tone vibrating through my skull as I tried to slip back into a void, cumbersome sleep.
Someone was trying to wake me up, and I didn’t like it. Not one bit.
I fucking tell you, the people in my life are crazy. Not only do I have a kid, and that comes with an immense amount of responsibilities already, but I work and have a life too. I love my friends and how their always there for me, but I loved sleep just a tad bit more right now.
And I wasn’t trying to complain or make it seem like I was the only one with things to do, but I really needed it; I really needed sleep.
“Guuuuuuin,” the same voice echoed out, a deep, whiny tone wafting through my ears as a large, rough hand cascaded down the side of my torso. “Time to wake up.”
“Fuck you cock sucker, go bite a tit and leave me alone.” Flipping onto my side, I grabbed my small, multi colored splatter painted pillow and pulled it under my head, cuddling into the soft comfort of the Queen sized mattress.
I felt his palm graze across the swell of my chest, his fingers playing over the hem of the blue and black fabric of my tank top. He pulled downward, my bosoms popping out from the small shirt as he groped the exposed, tender mounds of flesh.
“JESUS CHRIST, DILLON!” I screamed, shoving my hand against his forehead as I felt his teeth sink into the curve of my right breast. “GET THE FUCK OFF YOU ASSHOLE!”
“But you told me to bite ya breasts baby,” I could practically hear the smirk radiating through his voice, a sly little grin stretched across his face as he leaned back, resting on his knees on the dark maroon blanket.
“That’s not fucking funny,” dragging my leg out from under the confines of the heavy duvet I drove my heel into the center of his gut, watching as he fell backwards off the bed, his eyes wide with pain. Sliding off the bed I grabbed my bag of clothes from off the floor and ran into the conjoining bathroom, making sure to lock the door tight behind myself. Setting the bag on the floor I pulled my tank top off slowly, wincing as I stared at the large bite sized wound in the mirror. “Dillon, you fucking asshole,” biting my bottom lip I cupped my breast, examining the spot closely.
Oh my God, the fucker had broken skin!
Spreading a glob of Neosporin over the open bite mark I pulled on clean clothes, dressed in another tank top, this time a plain dark teal, and a pair of plaid, knee length shorts. Fixing the bright pink bra straps under the shoulders of the summer shirt, I sighed heavily, going through the morning routine of washing my face, brushing my teeth, and primping my hair.
I couldn’t believe he had bit me, actually fucking bit me. But I couldn’t believe I had kicked him either. It was childish and mean, but I had done it easily; like it was an often used reflex. Which, it wasn’t. I hardly ever hit people; ever. The only time I’ve actually hit someone on purpose was the last time Dillon had been a jerk; a good six months or so ago. You know, I’m starting to see a pattern. It always seemed to be Dillon.
Guess there was something about him that made me want to deck him one every time he opened his big, fat, obnoxious mouth.
But there was something about him, a lot of something’s, that made me love him too; fall head over heels time and time again for that tall, bald Mexiblend man.
Ha, bald.
And even though he was probably downstairs telling everyone how I had kicked him for no reason, making me look like the bad guy, I’d still be absolutely and irrevocably in love with the stupid fag.
And, if need be, I would pull down my shirt and show them all the inflamed, sickly yellow and blue bruise that was already starting to form on the side of my breast so I could win that argument in the making.
Ha, take that!
Following the ten individual stairs down a flight I made my way into the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle from out of the fridge as I turned around and leant up against the counter, three sets of eyes meeting my very own, light brown ones.
“He bit my boob!” I declared before they could even get on me, the right index finger on my left hand jabbing into the spot above the wound. “Don’t look at me like that,” covering my face with my hand in embarrassment, I spread my fingers and looked out at the four girls.
Nita was standing still, her back against the long, oak dining room table, a frown creasing her lips as she raised her thin, dark eyebrow in question. She flipped her black hair over her shoulder, her slender fingers running down the length of her plump thigh as she took a sip from a hard plastic, pink cup. Mari was sitting on the table, her legs criss crossed Indian style as she munched from a plate of raw vegetables. Her fingers played with a carrot top as she winked at me, her devilish, sarcastic side shinning through as she rocked back and forth on her haunches slowly. And last but not least, SJ was propped up against the counter, the dip in her back pressed into the edge of the granite top. Her legs were crossed at her ankles, a soft, sly smirk spreading across her supple lips as she wiggled her eyebrows in a charismatic, nonchalant way.
“I’m not doing anything,” Mari declared, plopping a slice of cucumber in her mouth, her teeth grinding into each other as she mashed up the small amount of slick food and swallowed, her eyes widening in excitement. “Damn, that suckers good!”
“You never cease to amaze me,” giggling to myself I took another sip from the water bottle, smiling at the girls I had missed for so long. “What’s my ladies doing today? And where are the other two?”
“Raychel and Aron haven’t come down yet.” SJ grinned, shaking her head in a knowing way. “And George and Taylor are out back in the pool. I’d advise you to stay away.” She continued, smiling to herself. “And nothing as of yet, just getting ready or the day.” Shrugging her shoulders, she pushed her index finger nail into her thumb, watching as flecks of bright blue, chipping finger nail polish fell to the floor and stuck to the tan tile.
“And filling our bellies with food!” Nita finished, grinning brightly as she stole a roll from Mari’s hand and took off into the living room.
I heard Jay grumble out something along the lines of “Hey baby…what are you doing?” as she no doubt fell into his arms and hid. She did this often; it was a thing of hers. She’s say, do, or steal something from one of us and run to Jay or one of the guys, though primarily Jay, to hide as they protected her. Half the time they were shielding her so when someone went to attack, they got the butt of the smacks, even though they had no idea why they were being abused in the first place.
It was a well needed laugh half the time.
“I want Jack In The Box,” SJ said suddenly, waltzing out of the room and into the den, her loud voice echoing across the house as she dragged Johnny out of it. “BE BACK LATER BITCHES!”
“Fucking ho,” Mari spat playfully, whistling to the tune of Dead In Ditches as she stretched herself across the table top, her head arching at the back of the neck over the edge of it. “Damn.”
“All the blood in your body is going to come rushing to your head and it’s going to fuck what little brain cells you have left up.” Chuckling, I watched her roll her eyes in annoyance, a low scoff leaving her lips as she threw her legs up into the air, her deep, brown eyes concentrating on her bright pink nail polish.
“I need to change that. Matt says it looks stupid.” She shook her head, reaching up to run her fingers over her toes as she flipped her body upward, her eyes widening from the loss of blood to the head as her butt rested against the table top. “Jesus Christ.”
“I told you,” sliding up onto the counter I pulled my right leg up to my chest, resting my chin on the crook of my knee as I gazed out the window at the trees. Brightly colored leaves were flying around, zipping across the green, grass covered ground rapidly. It was like watching feathers waft through a room after a massive pillow fight, the small, dandelion like fuzzies getting caught in colored strands of every girl’s hair as they tried to clean up the mess before their enraged, screaming parents walked in.
It was funny how nature could relate so well to life. A lot of the times it was something we just looked past so easily; something we used every day, but never actually stopped to admire. It made you realize there was beauty in everything; it was just how you looked at it to find it.
And in that moment I realized that no matter what I did, or where I went, Dillon would still be in my heart. I had run away from him, hoping to get a better…something. I’m not so sure what I was searching for anymore, but it was something better.
Something that I had never found.
And all of that time, all of that worrying, hard work, and self abuse, only bought me right back to him. It was pointless to deny that I didn’t love him, or that I didn’t want to be with him. It was pointless to try and hide my feelings, or how well we fit; especially with Riot in the picture.
I don’t think we were meant to be, like all those cheesy movies wanted you to believe, but I think we made it turn out that way. Countless ‘mistakes’ and ‘situations’ had lead us to this particular place and I didn’t believe any of it was destiny. If I had been smarter, actually used my backbone for once in my life, and left him the first few times he neglected to be there, or act like he cared, we wouldn’t be. And I don’t think it would have mattered much. I would have eventually gotten over it, and I know he would have; probably sooner than I ever could.
But things never worked that easily and I had decided to put up with his bullshit, to stay and be his girlfriend like a submissive bitch. I wasn’t aggressive and I wasn’t domineering, but sometimes I wish I had been; just with him.
Things might have been different then.
And it’s not like I’m perfect, or trying to say I’m anywhere near that, but he did a lot of things and I just dealt with it. Well, let’s rephrase that, I lived with it. I didn’t deal with it half the time because all I’d do is sit there and scream, or cry, or leave for a day or two. Dealing with it would have been sitting down and talking it out, discussing what the fuck was wrong in the first place, from both sides of the party.
But I never did that. I was a coward and I sat back and watched as my life slowly slipped away from me. I was happy, God, was I happy, but I wasn’t where I’d put myself at that point of time in my life when I looked ahead.
At twenty, I didn’t see myself in a steady, yet tiring relationship; let alone as a mother. But here I was, tangled in a hot mess of webs and complications, one hand wrapped around my baby tightly, and one loosely around my life. And then, at the bottom of everything was my feet, which were pressing into the ground beneath me, steadily trying to cling to the only lover I had ever known, and some of the best, and truest friends I had ever, and would ever, come to find.
And I didn’t know where to go from there.
No matter how many scenarios or ideas I ran through my head, none ended with me being happy; truthfully. I could pretend that I’d be alright by myself, or with someone else, but the honesty of the matter is that I don’t think I’d make it.
And right now, I was having a real hard time trying to push my conflicting thoughts into dealing with living the life I had made for myself instead of just giving up taking the easy road out.