Fractured Greyhound Routes
hush, just sleep.
It was like the air was sucked straight from my lungs, stolen in exchange for thick, putrid gas that left me gasping for something cleansed. My toes were curled as my mouth hung open, splintered fingers groping in the dark and attempting to crawl or swim if I could. That sound! Like some terrorized animal, my head swung back to look at whatever was behind me breathing on my neck. Two piercing hazel-green eyes narrowed down at me from the haze of darkness I was flailing in so desperately and sent a sickening jolt through my spine that rattled my brain. Our gazes met and I couldn’t help but suppress a strangled gasp. I was cringing into the unknown dark that surrounded me, my own eyes, the same eyes that were glaring down at me, scanned across the dark abyss but there was no one to help me and it was now that I felt the sting of Mikey’s absence. Every short little breath that was being wheezed against my neck woke me up like someone was throwing scalding cold water over me, suffocating every little last whim from me and the pressure that pinned me in the dark was increasing. And it was all so familiar.
“Shh. It’s just me.”
I woke up with my arms flailing and my mouth parted with incoherent screams. I wondered if this was what it felt like on the electric chair when you survived; and now I knew why they let you go if your brain doesn’t fry, you were still dead no matter how many breaths you took. My throat became raw and I could feel my fists were slamming into something that grabbed a hold of me tightly. There was no longer a long darkness but blurs of a scenery I didn’t identify which still wasn’t quite as soothing.
“What in the hell!!”
“Frankie! FRANKIE!”
My wrists were restrained and automatically my legs began to kick in panic. Hands were clamped on both sides of my face to keep me still and I whimpered, remembering this same position.
“Frankie! Frankie, look at me! Fucking look at me!”
I blinked my eyes rapidly and my vision cleared and focused. Mikey was knelt eye level with me as he tried to shake me awake, his eyes wide while he tried to figure out what to do with me. My choking sobs were quickly muffled into Mikey’s shoulder as he pressed me into his embrace, practically squeezing the little air I had left out of me. I twisted in his firm hold and pushed at his chest before there was a screech and both of us lurched forward. It took me a split second to realize I had fallen asleep in Hank’s car and I felt my face drain of any blood it still contained when I looked out the window to see we weren’t on the freeway anymore.
“Get out!” Mikey was looking from me, to Hank, to the cold outside, then back at me with perturbed unease.
“Please, h-he just gets nightmares! It won’t happen again!” Still dazed from my dream, my heart was beating rapidly and breathing wasn’t that much better either.
“I’m not crashing because of this kid!”
While Mikey tried to negotiate with Hank, I grabbed for the handle and stumbled out. A car sped by only a few feet away and sent a refreshing slap of wind. It was late now, the sky already a deep blue and the stars barely beginning to peek out while clouds blended into the night. A long stretch of road lay ahead but I could see city lights glittering in the distance like small eyes just waiting for two more little boys to welcome. For once, I greeted the cold appreciatively and closed my eyes to let the wind sooth me back into my old tranquility.
A car door slamming woke me back up and I turned to see Mikey slinging his backpack over his shoulder and looking crestfallen as Hank’s car pulled away from the sliver of spare road and back into the stream of cars. Neither of us spoke but we didn’t look away from each other either. I wasn’t sure whether to be prepared for an upset or raging Mikey; I preferred his yelling rather then his exasperated tears.
There wasn’t much to say at this point except: it’s your fault we lost our only ride. Now, of course Mikey wasn’t going to say this and even as I studied him I knew that wasn’t his first thought either, which was worse to me. He was more concerned about what had just happened while I was boiling over about falling asleep.
Mikey had never understood why exactly I refused to sleep, especially at night. No matter how much he poked and tried to pry or pout I would never give him straight answers. It wasn’t until our later times, when things were already beginning to fuck up between us, did he learn why. I think he understood after the last incident concerning my night terrors because he had left me alone about my sleeping habits for a few days.
Somewhere while we were trying to decide just what we should do, we silently sat ourselves down on the side of the road farthest away from the highway. I looked down when I felt Mikey’s fingers catch mine, gently playing with my petite fingertips as he wiggled around my hand. Still he didn’t speak; I think he knew better not. That was the thing with Mikey that made my heart quiver before plummeting even further down my stomach, he always knew what to do with me and he was the only person to ever handle me. No matter how many times I pushed him away he always came back, like your abused puppy who didn’t understand what no meant. I just wondered how many more times would he come back before I was just too much for him to keep coming back for. There was bound to be a breaking point for Mikey that I hadn’t reached quite yet, some guarded area that was weakest and ready to snap—or maybe I was already splitting it.
“Frankie.” Eyelids fluttering closed, I sighed and squeezed his hand tighter in mine. I’m not sure I wanted to meet those forest green iris’ that always assured me everything is still ok, peachy keen, perfecto—because I knew perfectly well they weren’t. But he sure was skilled at making me a believer. For a time, I had been his believer.
“I never appreciated my home before.” I turned my attention to a star-gazing Mikey and arched my eyebrow quizzically.
“I mean, I always just kind of took my house for granted. I hated that house, but now, I just kind of miss coming home at this time.”
“You can go home if you want to Mikey,” I whispered and looked up at the stars that seemed to scar us. He turned to look at me but I only gave him the attention of my peripheral vision, eyes still focused on the glimmering specks overhead. I could see his own eyes sparkling from the corner of my eye and wondered just how much of a reflection I was in his watering eyes.
But instead of being human, walking away and never looking back, he just turned back up to the stars and blinked away whatever flood of hurt I had caused.
“Remember the lake, Frankie?”
This time he had my attention. It was his little revenge but so much more savage then any snarled remark I could make.
“’Course I do,” I whispered. Mikey smiled and turned his head to rest on my shoulder, his lips brushing my neck to send rememberable shivers up my spine.
“We were so happy.” I wish I could have gawked at him, like I would have maybe four months from now, and demanded to know why we weren’t just as happy now. That’s how I would have liked to picture it anyways. We had done so many things, had so many precious moments, so many memories… The day at the lake was maybe our last treasured time together, before reality spilled and tainted us both. It had all been giggles and underwater kisses. Just two boys swimming in the water, pressing up against the rocks and running wet fingers through one anothers’ dripping locks while exchanging salt water kisses. I remember how gorgeous he had been; florescent skin so perfect and flawless against his protruding ribcage that I loved to trace my fingers along. The thick eyelashes of his would stick together whenever wet making him all the more innocent to match his wispy little laughs that caused his nose to wrinkle. I used to love kissing his nose. Now I just watched affectionately as it wiggled in habit, always too regretful to peck him as often as I used to.
“W-we’ve just followed a bumpy road is all,” he sniffled and looked up at me with such conviction. “Things’ll be the way they used to be. Y-you’ll see.”
And for one fleeting moment I couldn’t deny him of some kind of faith coming from my end. The old memory of us seemed to light a hopeful flame to jump-start me. I brushed my lips against his lips that were cut from how dry they had become and relished how soft they felt against my own until I broke away before Mikey could get too desperate for any more of me. I leaned my forehead against him, his glasses pushed against my cheek and up over his nose while we just watched one another.
But I wish I could agree with him.
“Shh. It’s just me.”
I woke up with my arms flailing and my mouth parted with incoherent screams. I wondered if this was what it felt like on the electric chair when you survived; and now I knew why they let you go if your brain doesn’t fry, you were still dead no matter how many breaths you took. My throat became raw and I could feel my fists were slamming into something that grabbed a hold of me tightly. There was no longer a long darkness but blurs of a scenery I didn’t identify which still wasn’t quite as soothing.
“What in the hell!!”
“Frankie! FRANKIE!”
My wrists were restrained and automatically my legs began to kick in panic. Hands were clamped on both sides of my face to keep me still and I whimpered, remembering this same position.
“Frankie! Frankie, look at me! Fucking look at me!”
I blinked my eyes rapidly and my vision cleared and focused. Mikey was knelt eye level with me as he tried to shake me awake, his eyes wide while he tried to figure out what to do with me. My choking sobs were quickly muffled into Mikey’s shoulder as he pressed me into his embrace, practically squeezing the little air I had left out of me. I twisted in his firm hold and pushed at his chest before there was a screech and both of us lurched forward. It took me a split second to realize I had fallen asleep in Hank’s car and I felt my face drain of any blood it still contained when I looked out the window to see we weren’t on the freeway anymore.
“Get out!” Mikey was looking from me, to Hank, to the cold outside, then back at me with perturbed unease.
“Please, h-he just gets nightmares! It won’t happen again!” Still dazed from my dream, my heart was beating rapidly and breathing wasn’t that much better either.
“I’m not crashing because of this kid!”
While Mikey tried to negotiate with Hank, I grabbed for the handle and stumbled out. A car sped by only a few feet away and sent a refreshing slap of wind. It was late now, the sky already a deep blue and the stars barely beginning to peek out while clouds blended into the night. A long stretch of road lay ahead but I could see city lights glittering in the distance like small eyes just waiting for two more little boys to welcome. For once, I greeted the cold appreciatively and closed my eyes to let the wind sooth me back into my old tranquility.
A car door slamming woke me back up and I turned to see Mikey slinging his backpack over his shoulder and looking crestfallen as Hank’s car pulled away from the sliver of spare road and back into the stream of cars. Neither of us spoke but we didn’t look away from each other either. I wasn’t sure whether to be prepared for an upset or raging Mikey; I preferred his yelling rather then his exasperated tears.
There wasn’t much to say at this point except: it’s your fault we lost our only ride. Now, of course Mikey wasn’t going to say this and even as I studied him I knew that wasn’t his first thought either, which was worse to me. He was more concerned about what had just happened while I was boiling over about falling asleep.
Mikey had never understood why exactly I refused to sleep, especially at night. No matter how much he poked and tried to pry or pout I would never give him straight answers. It wasn’t until our later times, when things were already beginning to fuck up between us, did he learn why. I think he understood after the last incident concerning my night terrors because he had left me alone about my sleeping habits for a few days.
Somewhere while we were trying to decide just what we should do, we silently sat ourselves down on the side of the road farthest away from the highway. I looked down when I felt Mikey’s fingers catch mine, gently playing with my petite fingertips as he wiggled around my hand. Still he didn’t speak; I think he knew better not. That was the thing with Mikey that made my heart quiver before plummeting even further down my stomach, he always knew what to do with me and he was the only person to ever handle me. No matter how many times I pushed him away he always came back, like your abused puppy who didn’t understand what no meant. I just wondered how many more times would he come back before I was just too much for him to keep coming back for. There was bound to be a breaking point for Mikey that I hadn’t reached quite yet, some guarded area that was weakest and ready to snap—or maybe I was already splitting it.
“Frankie.” Eyelids fluttering closed, I sighed and squeezed his hand tighter in mine. I’m not sure I wanted to meet those forest green iris’ that always assured me everything is still ok, peachy keen, perfecto—because I knew perfectly well they weren’t. But he sure was skilled at making me a believer. For a time, I had been his believer.
“I never appreciated my home before.” I turned my attention to a star-gazing Mikey and arched my eyebrow quizzically.
“I mean, I always just kind of took my house for granted. I hated that house, but now, I just kind of miss coming home at this time.”
“You can go home if you want to Mikey,” I whispered and looked up at the stars that seemed to scar us. He turned to look at me but I only gave him the attention of my peripheral vision, eyes still focused on the glimmering specks overhead. I could see his own eyes sparkling from the corner of my eye and wondered just how much of a reflection I was in his watering eyes.
But instead of being human, walking away and never looking back, he just turned back up to the stars and blinked away whatever flood of hurt I had caused.
“Remember the lake, Frankie?”
This time he had my attention. It was his little revenge but so much more savage then any snarled remark I could make.
“’Course I do,” I whispered. Mikey smiled and turned his head to rest on my shoulder, his lips brushing my neck to send rememberable shivers up my spine.
“We were so happy.” I wish I could have gawked at him, like I would have maybe four months from now, and demanded to know why we weren’t just as happy now. That’s how I would have liked to picture it anyways. We had done so many things, had so many precious moments, so many memories… The day at the lake was maybe our last treasured time together, before reality spilled and tainted us both. It had all been giggles and underwater kisses. Just two boys swimming in the water, pressing up against the rocks and running wet fingers through one anothers’ dripping locks while exchanging salt water kisses. I remember how gorgeous he had been; florescent skin so perfect and flawless against his protruding ribcage that I loved to trace my fingers along. The thick eyelashes of his would stick together whenever wet making him all the more innocent to match his wispy little laughs that caused his nose to wrinkle. I used to love kissing his nose. Now I just watched affectionately as it wiggled in habit, always too regretful to peck him as often as I used to.
“W-we’ve just followed a bumpy road is all,” he sniffled and looked up at me with such conviction. “Things’ll be the way they used to be. Y-you’ll see.”
And for one fleeting moment I couldn’t deny him of some kind of faith coming from my end. The old memory of us seemed to light a hopeful flame to jump-start me. I brushed my lips against his lips that were cut from how dry they had become and relished how soft they felt against my own until I broke away before Mikey could get too desperate for any more of me. I leaned my forehead against him, his glasses pushed against my cheek and up over his nose while we just watched one another.
But I wish I could agree with him.