Needing

“Mikey hand me a beer.”

“Gerard no! You said you are going sober and you have been doing great for the last few weeks! Just because we have a show doesn’t mean you start drinking!”

“I can’t do it. I have never done a show sober. What if the fans don’t like the new Gerard? What if they want the old MCR?”

“We aren’t the old MCR anymore. We have a new drummer, we have a new singer! Bro, everything is gonna change after tonight, but for the better.”

“You really are the spiritual advisor of the band aren’t you?”

“Gerard please…you can do this, I don’t want to see you go down the path of suicide again. I don’t want to see you this depressed again.” Mikey stopped from his passing and plopped down in the chair next to me. He sighed, placing his head in his hands, “I love you so much Gee, don’t ruin all of this for a drink.”

“I’m gonna step outside for a minute.” I couldn’t stay in that room any longer.

Stepping out of the venue we were to play at tonight I looked around trying to find a place to hide. Just to be alone for a while. I needed to think.

Spotting a ladder that went to the roof I quickly made my way up it. Being on top of that roof I felt freedom, a needing.

Breathe in the fresh air, calm down, I can do this. I think I might be sick.

I sat at the edge of the building looking over, seeing Frank jump on top of Bob, Bob yelling for him to get off.

Needing the addiction is strong. Maybe nicotine can fill in the need.

Lighting up, nicotine filled in my mind. The taste, the calming, but the stronger need wouldn’t leave.

“I can’t do it.” I wanted alcohol. I wanted drugs. I wanted to die.

I heard steps coming up the ladder.

“Go away.”

“Wow there is actually someone up here? Damn it.”

“Go away Frank.”

“Gee? What’s wrong?”

“I want alcohol.”

Frank sat next to me at the edge of the building and wrapped his arms around my waist, “And I want to fuck you on top of this building but that’s not gonna happen is it?”

Frank and I have been secretly dating for awhile now, he was helping me so much with trying to over come this, he even stuck by my side when I made that call to Brian about wanting suicide, he laid with me in our little bunks till I fell asleep. He even dumped all the drugs and alcohol away from the bus so I wouldn’t have to look at it. It’s just so hard though.

“I need it Frank, I need the drugs, I need the alcohol.”

“You don’t need it Gerard, you want it.”

“I want to die.”

By this time tears were streaming down my cheeks.

“Come on lets move over to somewhere else to talk about this.” Frank tried to lift me up but I wouldn’t let him.

“Why? Do you think I’m gonna fling myself over the building!?”

“Actually I do! Excuse me for worrying about my boyfriend! Gerard please move away from the edge.”

“No.”

“Please Gerard.”

“Would you jump with me?”

“What!?”

“Would you jump with me.”

I felt arms tightening around my waist from behind as well as a wetness on my neck, Frank was crying.

“Gerard, please don’t do this, I would jump with you but I would hate to leave everything that is waiting for me in the future, for you, for us. Don’t leave us yet. Don’t leave this world yet. Stay with me.”

“It’s so hard though.”

“It’s not as hard as you think.”

“You don’t know.”

“Do you really think I don’t know what wanting to die feels like!? I’ve told you everything about my depression, I’ve showed you my scars.”

“Frank I-“

“No. Just please move away from the edge, your scaring me love.”

Blank stare was all I could give. But, I’m not sure how I did it, I was away from the edge.

“You can do this Gerard, it is going to be tough for awhile but I will be with you through everything to come. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“You think your ready to come down now? We go on stage in a few minutes.”

“No, I’m not ready yet.” I grasped Frank’s hand and walked over to the other side of the building was, which was next to a river.

“Gerard?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

I smiled digging through my jacket retrieving a flask filled with vodka and a bottle of pills, “Getting rid of these.”

I threw both the flask and bottle as hard as I could, making a splash in the river.

“I’m proud of you Gee.” Frank’s arms hugged me tight.

“I feel a sudden pow of despair, is that normal?”

“Well you got rid of your addiction, I would think that’s normal.”

“Ok, I guess we better head down now.”

Making it down the ladder felt like I could conquer anything. I felt light, I felt freedom, I felt loved, I felt everything.

“Hey there you guys are!” Mikey ran over to us and gave me a hug, “You ready for this Gee?”

“Yeah, I feel like I can do anything now, so I think you better get me on that stage before this adrenalin rush wears off and I go flying in the river.”

“Haha, of course Bro! Were on in two minutes!”

We ran over to the stage entrance just in time.

The lights went down and the crowd cheered. You can feel the energy striking at you. That’s when I knew which need is the stronger one in my body now, the need to sing, the need to dance, the need to yell, the need to live.

“You can do this Gee.” Frank said as we stepped on stage the first chords of I’m Not Okay began to play.

I can do this.