I Know I'm Going To Hell For This...

He was the only man I have ever loved. I still love him, but now he is not with me. He is not with any of us. He's gone.

He's lying there in front of me in a casket. He looks like he might wake up, but he doesn't. He's still as people start to crowd into the small room.

The Preacher says a few words, a few prayers. Then others stand up to talk. They all expect me to stand up and give a few words about the man I have loved since I was fifteen, for ten years. Though I cannot do it. I can't bring myself to my feet. I can't even open my mouth to speak.

Silent tears have taken over my body. My body shakes as I reach for another tissue. Everyone looks at me like they pity me. I must look pale and weak. I haven't eaten for five days, since I last saw him alive.

He wasn't supposed to leave me this soon. It was not supposed to happen this way!

He was on his way home from work. He was late getting home, and there was ice on the road. His car spun out of control. Black ice took his life, because he was rushing. He wanted to get home because I had left him a message. I said that I had incredible news and wanted to celebrate with him as soon as possible. I should have just waited until he was home to even bring it up, so maybe he wouldn't be rushing, but I was just too excited and couldn't hold it in any longer.

The funeral home starts to empty. People give me silent hugs and sad, painful looks. My own parents can't even look at me without pity.

This is horrible. Being without him is too much for me to handle. I love him! Bring him back to me! I want to shout, but my mouth will not open.

I grab another handful of tissues and make my way out of the funeral home.

I know I shouldn't, but I drive home. To the home I had shared with him, to the home I wanted to grow old in with him.

"Annie, it's Mom. I saw you leave the funeral home. I really don't want you driving by yourself sweetie, especially when you leave your cell phone turned off. Will you call me when you get this? So I know that you're safe. Bye, Honey. I love you."

I hit the delete button on the answering machine. Yes, I got her message, but I do not call her back.

I move my body up the stairs and into the bedroom that I once shared with him. I grab his gun from the safe under our, or my, bed.

"I know I'm going to hell for this. However, Hell is better than living my life without Tim. I can not stay in this world and raise our unborn baby without him. I'm the reason he's gone. It wasnt supposed to happen this way."

I put the gun to my head, and pulled the trigger.