Sacrifices

The sky was a dark, ominous grey all through November, our third month of grade 10.

I flicked my cigarette away onto the snow-dusted ground and exhaled quickly, waving the smoke away as I saw her coming around the corner, headed for the school. She could handle everything I did, except the smoking. She was a little Nazi when it came to that. Said if she ever found me with one, she’d put it out in my neck.

Rather than drive her to an act of violence that would ultimately hurt her more than me, I avoided smoking around her.

God, she looked perfect today... her hair was just the way I liked it. She’d brushed it so vigorously that her usual tight bouncy curls were now loose waves in her shiny black hair. She always kept her makeup simple, another thing I liked about her. No fuss and feathers. Clear lip gloss and smoky dark eyeshadow were all that covered her beautiful face. Her gorgeous emerald eyes were always accentuated perfectly.

She caught sight of me and I saw some semblance of a smile cross her lips. Those beautiful, lush pink lips...

“Hello, Bella!” I said with a smile.

As she came closer, though, I saw that her eyes bore the look of one that’s just been struck suddenly, still holding that deer-in-the-headlights look, not knowing what to do, what had just happened or why. It confused and worried me.

“Hey, did you study?” she said, with a look that said she knew for a fact that I hadn’t.

I slapped my hand to my forehead with a sigh, “No... no I did not... and Vamer is going to have my ass. I was going to, I swear I had every intention to, but you see, the TV wouldn’t let me.”

She laughed her tinkly little laugh. She reminded me a lot of Tinkerbell when she did that.

“You’re hopeless, darling. Utterly hopeless,” she said as she gave me a sad-eyed smile.

My face became solemn.

“Is something bothering you, Bonnie? You don’t seem as mirthful today as usual,” I said, putting an arm around her shoulder.

“Hm? Oh, no. I was just up too late studying, I didn’t get much sleep,” she said, throwing me an impish grin.

I chucked her under the chin, and we headed into the school.

“Hey guys,” said our friend Ray as he walked towards us from the other side of the hallway.

“What’s up? Hey, you had Vamer last year. Did you ever study for her tests?” I said, seeing if I was alone in my procrastination. Ray never studied. He never had to.

“Of course I did. Vamer’s a real bitch with first tests of the year. And every other test after that,” said Ray with wide eyes.

I groaned, and Bonnie laughed as she linked her arm through mine. I was only 5'9, and she came up just past my elbow.

“Don’t worry. You’ll do just fine. You’re brilliant,” she said, her eyes shining her faith in me. I smiled down at her and kissed her temple.

The bell was due to ring any minute, and Ray had to go see the counsellor about switching his schedule around so that he didn’t have a class during lunch.

“I’ll see you guys later. Good luck, Gee. I know you’ll do well, Bonnie!” said Ray as he ducked away from my feeble attempt at swatting him.

Now that we were alone again, I decided to give another shot at finding out what was bothering her.

“Bonnie, are you absolutely sure you’re okay? You know you can tell me anything at all...” I told her.

“No, I’m fine, Gerard. Really. I don’t know why you’d think anything was wrong,” she said, beginning to get slightly defensive.

“You just seem... different today, that’s all. Just know, that if there is something bothering you, I want you to tell me,” I said softly, trying to keep her calm.

“I will, Gerard,” she said in a dismissive tone.

The bell rang, interrupting our conversation, so we headed to the dreaded room where I would meet my doom– Mrs. Vamer’s history class.

“Good luck,” she whispered to me as the tests were handed out. I gave her a grateful look, took a deep breath, and began the already losing battle.

An hour, 2 erasers, and a whole lotta sweat later, we were in the hallway heading for our locker. We shared a locker, because some senior highjacked hers.

“German?” I asked.

“Yup,” she answered shortly.

“See you at lunch, then,” I said, resigned.

“See you,” she said softly.

I couldn’t get my head around it. She’d spent six weeks living at my house when her parents were divorcing in seventh grade. I’d seen her dressed and undressed, happy and sad, crying and angry.

There was obviously something big bothering her, and her lips were sealed. We’ve never kept anything from each other in our lives. I didn’t want her to drift from me.

I needed her; needed her to be with me, to be my friend, to be my life. She was every bit a part of me as the heart with which I loved her so, the lips I longed to kiss her with...

By lunch, I was downright mad with curiosity and hurt.

I went and sad under the gigantic tree on the edge of campus, waiting for her. I decided I’d let her come to me instead of me pressing for an answer. You don’t get an answer from Bonnie like that.

I saw her coming from the fine arts hall doorway. She looked so cute today, just like every other day. She was wearing her favourite black Felix the Cat tank top and black cargo pants with many chain link belts. Her style was so unique, changing from day to day, depending on her mood.

“Hey,” she said with an exasperated air, handing over her sketchpad so I could see what was causing her such grief.

I opened the book and flipped through to her work from last week, and saw why she was irked. Her art teacher had just marked her assignment, and was obviously not happy. Corrections and snide comments were everywhere in red ink, along with the words ‘I assumed you were capable of much better work than this’ scrawled across the bottom.

“What a bitch!” I exclaimed.

“I know. She’s right though. I don’t know what I was on that day,” she said sullenly.

That went right to my heart. She was an incredible artist, every bit as good as I hoped to be some day, and she did not deserve criticism like this.

I pulled her close and said, “Don’t ever talk like that. This was an amazing portrait, and I know she just feels threatened. I believe that you have the power to become a great artist, bella, don’t ever let anyone tell you differently. Okay?” I finished gently.

She smiled her thanks and cuddled into my side.

“Okay.”
We sat in comfortable silence for a while, until my curiosity got the better of me.

“So... so you’re feeling better?” I asked timidly.

“Of course. You always make me feel better. Ms. Malanovich is just a frigid old bitch who can’t shade to save her life anyways,” she said with a small giggle.

“No, I mean... about whatever was bothering you earlier,” I bit my lip and waited for the answer.

She slowly sat up and faced me, irritation in her eyes.

“Gerard, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. I am fine. Don’t you think I would tell you if I was otherwise? Haven’t I always? You’d think you could just go against your instinct for once and trust me!” she finished, her voice rising well above its normal pitch.

“I’m sorry, I was just curious. You seemed so down this morning, and I didn’t know what to think. Yes, you do usually tell me everything, but I just thought maybe you weren’t ready to tell me. Okay, I get it, there’s nothing wrong with you, I’ll drop it,” I said hastily, trying to get her back to neutral.

“Okay.”

A few minutes silence.

“I just can’t help but think that maybe”– I didn’t get any farther.

“Jesus! Gerard, drop it! Rest assured, the god damn second I am ready to tell you, I will, alright? For now, leave it the fuck alone!” she nearly screamed.

“Oh, so you admit there’s something wrong now? Sending out some pretty mixed message, there, bella,” I said, just as cruelly. We got like this sometimes.

She let out a frustrated growl.

“So what if I am? Must I tell you everything the minute it happens? I’ll bring it up when I’m god damn good and ready!”

“Okay!” I yelled, “Settle down! I’m just curious about what’s going on inside that little head of yours, Bonnie! Do you think I like seeing you that way? Its just a natural instinct to protect you from shit, but I swear to holy hell I’ll ignore it from here on out!”

With that, I got up and walked away.

To this day it’s hard to forget the deeply wounded look in her large, brimming eyes.