Dear Jane Doe

Today I scuffed my feet slightly as I walked and kept my head lowered as if scared someone would recognize me. Gone was my confident strut and glowering smile that captivated girls in one single sighting. They were still there but I hadn’t the heart to use them. Just knowing that my Jane Doe really hated me was enough to steal all happiness. Even the bright sunshine up above bringing out the army of mini-skirts couldn’t bring a smile to my face.

Why bother even writing those stupid little notes to her anymore? That’s all they were: stupid and little. She was too beautiful for me. She was too untameable. She was like a tantalising visage of what I would always have to see from a distance.

College was so bland it left absolutely no taste in my mouth. All the hollers and calls felt hollow against my ears. No amount of flirting, even from Esmeralda, could shock me from this overcast state.

It was like a gnawing pain had buried itself within me and would not budge. Every thought, every movement, every word just twisted it deeper until it became too painful to do any of these things. My physical needs had pitched to an unbearable level where I craved a girl’s body under mine so badly that I seemed to watch every movement with an aggrieved lust. But only one girl could satisfy my body today or ever after.

I knew what it was now. I understood that no other girl could or would ever make me feel so horrific. I loved her. I fucking loved her.

I loved her and I’d lost her before I’d even had her. Nobody even compared to her in anything, she was so perfect that it physically hurt to think about her. I needed her so bad and I still didn’t fucking know her name!

“Dude are you alright?” Jo asked over his drum set. We were practising for the upcoming talent show but I just couldn’t get into it. My guitar felt heavier than usual and the words kept forming into “she’s nothing more than a lost star floating past my lonely world.” It had never been truer or hurt so badly.

“What do you think?” I retorted. The other members of our band exchanged glances but I was too depressed to see.

“If this is about a girl” Tom sighed while strumming absentmindedly at bass “just do what you always do.”

“I can’t Tom, this girl is different. I can’t woo her with my smile and I can’t shag her in the Janitor’s closet.”

They all made stupid ‘ooooh’ sounds which got a laugh out of me. Even at the most awful times the band would always cheer me up. “She’s special guys” John spoke into his mike with a mischievous smile “Alec Bradshaw has finally found the one.” I threw my pick at him even though he was spot-on accurate.

Jo shushed them all before giving me a deep meaningful stare “let me give her your weird note and in the meanwhile wait for her Alec. She’s never been like this about a boy from what I know so feel slightly privileged.”

“Well that’s probably because no boy has been such a jerk to her.” Tom and John exchanged bewildered looks and pouted at being left out.

“Just do it Alec” Jo snapped, grinning like an idiot as always “and you can show us that melody you were playing just now, it’s really good…”

I thought about what my best friend had just said while showing the guys my cords. Wait for her… how could I wait for someone who hated me? What about if I just gave up? That would be fairer on everyone especially her. With those thoughts my heart gave a loud protesting thump and I knew that was pointless. I couldn’t let her go now. I still wanted her with everything in me.

I would fucking wait for her. After college today instead of a letter waiting for her she’d find Alec Bradshaw. That would certainly be a shock within itself but I had to tell her that I loved her before I simply withered away into a love-sick dreamer.