Define ***ed-Up

Mikey stood in the corridor and looked at his brother through his sleepy eyes. There was a loud bang. His brother was standing in front of Frank’s bedroom, and Frank had locked himself inside the room. Mikey yawned and tried to figure out the right words for his question. But seems that the good sleep he had previously, had taken away part of his brain functions temporarily that were necessary for things like speech.

What the hell?

Was the message Mikey thought he sent to his brother through his facial expressions and overly exaggerated eyelid movements.

Gerard grunted and walked past Mikey. Angela stood there staring at her teacher curiously as he collected his things and walked out of the front door like he was in some kind of a rush. Mikey appeared from the corridor a moment later, hurrying his steps towards the door as he put on his jacket.

“What happened?” Angela stopped Mikey at the front door.

“I have no idea, man.” Mikey shrugged and glanced at the clock inside the house. “Why aren’t your parents home yet? It’s like ten thirty.” The younger Way enquired with a frown.

“Oh, they um…business trip. Yeah, it’s – it’s always like that.” The child smiled nervously and prayed Mikey would buy it.

“Oh, ok. See ‘ya.” Mikey let it go despite the uncertainty in Angela’s eyes. Angela sighed in relief as the door slammed shut.

It was obvious that what had happened. Her simple-minded teacher had apparently done something against her brother’s will. Easily offended brother. Damn it. Angela cursed in her mind. Everything went so well. And now this.

She knocked on Frank’s door softly but heard nothing from the other side. “Frankie.” She leaned closer. “Frankie? I know you’re in there.”

Angela took a deep breath, “Look, they’re gone. Everything’s gonna be fine, ok?”

Sometimes, Angela thought, who was the real eight-year-old? It was like she’s the elder sister who was trying to comfort her little brother and convince him to get out of the goddamn room and have his dinner. And most importantly, get a life, with someone who loves you. But she clearly had more brain cells to let that last part out of her mouth. Angela decided to leave Frank alone when she still heard nothing from the inside a few minutes later.

Inside the room, Frank was sitting on the floor, back facing the door. He drew his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs as the footsteps of his sister’s echoed further and further away from his direction. He sighed when he knew he was finally left alone.

Frank was trembling. He didn’t know if it was the cold or the fear. He hoped it wasn’t the latter. Why did he do that? Frank mused in misery. They were going along so well.

He thought, at last, they could finally act like good friends in each other’s presence. Why did he have to ruin it! Damn it, Gerard. Damn it all to hell.

The boy held onto himself tighter and buried his head into his knees.

I’ll never be with you anyway!

*

“Hey, hey!” Mikey cursed when his brother ignored his call again. “Are you ever gonna tell me what the hell happened that night? It’s been like two days.”

Two days. Gerard mused. It had been two days since he last saw Frank. The kid didn’t even pick Angela up from school anymore, and even Angela was ignoring him. What he did was it really that bad? He meant no harm. Or maybe he never thought of what harm it might cause before he had done it. But it was just a kiss. After all, Frank knew he liked him all along. Hell, even Angela knew it. So, why the fuss?

“So what happened?” Mikey asked again.

Gerard knew he had kind of promised Frank not to do or mention anything about their past, but he’s a human being too, for Christ sake. He has his times of emotions and his times of uncertainty. This is all far too unfair to him. Gerard thought he was going to give in to everything that Frank said, but now, all these seemed too cruel. Maybe Frank once liked him but now he could survive as good without him, that’s Frank’s problem. Gerard, as the one who was completely and insanely in love with the kid right now, wasn’t gonna survive the same, at least not as good.

“Nothing Mikey. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Your ‘right now’ has been two days. Every time I ask you, you say ‘not right now’. Tell me when is it really ‘not right now’?”

“Well then maybe that means you should piss off for the whole week and don’t ever ask that question again when you come back!” Gerard snapped.

Gerard knew he wasn’t gonna survive this game. He was going to lose, all of it. What were his options? How could he lose this game in a less painful way? Was he gonna step out of this without losing too much? Gerard wanted an answer, but he couldn’t think straight.

*

“Frank, hey um, I know this is kinda um… what the hell, have you – have you seen Gerard?” Mikey’s uncertain voice came through the message speaker.

Frank’s head snapped up and closed the front door quickly, throwing his messenger bag onto the floor.

“Cause I can’t seem find him. So…give me a call when you get this message.”

“Mikey!” Frank shouted through the mouthpiece, hoping he wasn’t too late.

“Oh hey, Frank.” the teenage sighed in relief when Mikey’s stunned voice came through.

“What happened?”

“You haven’t seen Gerard in the past twenty-four hours, have you?”

“No.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“What? What happened?”

“Seems that my brother has gone missing.”

“What?!” Frank prayed that this has nothing to do with him.

“Gerard had already left when I woke up. I first thought he might have gone to school early but the school secretary called and asked where was he, so evidently he’s somewhere else.” Mikey stopped to see if Frank was listening to him. Frank muttered a barely audible response and Mikey continued.

“So I helped him call for a sick leave and has been trying to contact him since, but no luck at all. I called you cause I think I should really try going out to find him since telecommunication sucked so bad. Are you free?”

“Duh. I’ll be there, give me fifteen minutes.” Frank slammed down the phone and ran up to his room to get himself changed.

Angela just came out of a shower when Frank hurried along the corridor. “Where’re you going?” She asked, drying her hear with a pink towel.

“I’m going out. I don’t know when I’m coming back but there’s noodles in the cupboard, you think you can take care of the dinner yourself?” Frank asked as he sipped up his hoodie.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Ok, be careful with the fire. Bye honey.”

“Bye!” Frank heard Angela’s shout through the closed door.

*

“Where the hell are you, damn it. Come on.” Frank uttered to himself as he paced along the dim streets in the cold Jersey night.

Frank looked into every shop on the streets that was still opened, but he couldn’t find Gerard. He wondered where could he possibly be. Frank looked up to the sky. Dark clouds had already stretched across his head. He needed to find Gerard, fast. But, where?

It was then Frank realized, he never really knew enough about Gerard. Gerard had always been that awesome class teacher of his sister’s, the one whom he had a crush on on the very first day they met. And he had been avoiding him since…since a very long time ago. He might have even forgotten the reason why he first stopped showing his feelings towards Gerard. He never really gave Gerard a chance. He was just pushing him away from himself, but Gerard never complained. The cell phone in Frank’s pocket buzzed, dragging him out of his thoughts.

“Hello?”

“Frank, it’s Mikey.”

“You found him?”

“No. But there’s something I think I should tell you.” Frank stopped on his track to listen.

“I think I might know where Gerard is.”

“Ok.”

“But I’m not sure if Gerard wants you to know this or not…but y’know…”

“Spill.”

“Gerard had a drinking problem.”

“What?” What?

“Gerard had a drinking problem.” Mikey repeated.

“I know. I’m not deaf.”

“I just want to make sure you heard it right. It’s had.”

“Care to further explain?” Frank asked. He entered a gift shop as it had started to rain.

“Look Frank, please promise me that this piece of information isn’t gonna make Gerard any different from what you think he is now.” Frank sensed that Mikey was serious, but he had to tell the truth.

“That really depends.”

“Please?” Mikey begged.

Frank thought for a while. “Whether I’m gonna hate Gerard from now on or not, I promise you I’ll still help you find him first.”

Mikey thought that was reasonable. “Ok, then.” He fell silence for a few seconds to gather his thoughts. “Gerard had a drinking problem, as I’ve mentioned before. But he hasn’t drink more than a bottle of bear in one day for more than three years. He’s fine.”

Mikey hesitated. Was he really gonna disclose Gerard’s past to the one he knew his brother loved so dearly? Frank urged him to continue impatiently. Mikey sighed. He hoped what he was doing was right.

“He used to get really wasted at night and sometimes I had to pick him up on the streets. He got involved in a lot of pub fights, light ones I suppose, and I even filled him out of jail a couple of times, but it’s not like he has a record or anything. He was just…in there, not a big deal. And he’s good now, he’s the nicest person you’ve ever seen, right?” Mikey bit his lips. Damn it, now he regret saying it.

Frank did not answer, but Mikey decided to continue. “Gerard met a few ‘bad friends’ back then, you know? The ones who give bad influences? Like those your teachers tell you? Yeah, those were exactly what they are. Gerard ganged up with them a lot back then. Gerard’s been really depressed these couple of days. I don’t really know why since he tells me to piss off every time I ask, but I swear to god I haven’t seen him this down since he stopped drinking. So I was just thinking, he might have started drinking again. Or even worse, going back to his ‘bad friends’.”

There was a long pause. That was too many information for Frank to absorb in one go. Gerard was an alcoholic? Mikey filled him out of jail a couple of times? Street gangs? He couldn’t even relate those things to the Gerard he knew. Was it a good thing to even see Gerard ever again?

“Frank?” Mikey feared what he said had ruined everything. “Are you still there?”

Frank took a deep breath.

“Do you know the name of the bar he usually goes to?”

*

“Don’t be so worried, man. He’s a grown man, he should know how to handle things himself. I wanna find him is just because I wanna make sure he’s alright.” Mikey tried to convince Frank that this wasn’t such a big deal.

If he really was a grown man and knew how to handle things like one, he wouldn’t have ran away without leaving a note and something to tell his family and friends that he’s ok. That moron. Frank kept that thought to himself. He didn’t want to ruin Mikey’s light mood.

Mikey sighed to himself when he didn’t get any response from Frank. Mikey was having a light mood. Bullshit. Mikey was scared out of his fucking mind. He didn’t want to get through what he thought was finally over all over again. He couldn’t afford losing his brother once more, he didn’t have the strength and faith to fix him up either. He couldn’t, he didn’t.

Mikey didn’t want to face the papers anymore. He didn’t want to cry while his brother slept beside him, drunk, anymore. He didn’t want to go through all those anymore, on his own. But he had to comfort Frank. As a brother of Gerard’s, he had the responsibility to comfort Frank, who shouldn’t have been involved in this in the first place.

Oh god, please. Don’t make that happen again. Not to me, and not to Gerard.

*

Frank stood across the street from a bar with blue lights shining from the inside. He gulped as a few large men stumbled out of the bar, drunk. He could not imagine the Gerard he knew was once like that as well. No, he couldn’t.

Frank spotted Gerard in a dark alley beside the bar. There were a few dark figures around him. It didn’t look like a pre-fight, though. They must be the ‘bad friends’ Mikey was talking about. Frank crossed the streets hesitantly. Should he call Mikey first? But it’s not like having Mikey there can help him scare away those people anyway. Those guys may even recognize him. Frank shook his head and put back his cell phone.

As Frank approach the gang, he saw Gerard’s pale face under the yellow streetlights. He gasped. Now he could imagine how Gerard’s was once like in Mikey’s memory. Gerard looked like a worn out demon. His eyes were blood shoot. His friendly smile turned into devilish grin and cold smirks. Gerard was obviously drunk, he couldn’t even stand without leaning on the brick wall.

Frank panicked. What if Gerard really started drinking again? What’s gonna happen to Mikey? He wasn’t going to pretend that this had nothing to do with him. Frank knew very well if Gerard started drinking, it’s gonna be because of him. Then he wasn’t gonna be great either. This is a lose-lose situation. Frank didn’t want that to happen.

Frank took a deep breath and walked up to Gerard. He hoped this was gonna be over soon.

“Hey, Gerard. Hey.”