Define ***ed-Up

“Oh, hey. Who’ve we got here?”

Frank turned his head around and saw a guy with black tank top standing in front of them. He had matching evil grin with Gerard.

“Is this your ‘this friend’ you were about?”

Gerard slowly tilted his head backwards, narrowing his eyes when he found Frank standing next to him. “What the…Frank? Wha – ”

Gerard clamped a sweaty palm over his face and tried to keep himself on focus. “Shit,” He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping his brain could function normally for one second. “Wha ar you doin’ ‘ere?”

The words swirled out of Gerard’s tongue like he never used them before. Frank noticed Gerard’s eyes were fighting to keep on focus, and it hurt him more than Gerard would ever know. What had he done?

“What are you doing here? You scared the shit out of Mikey!”

Frank squeezed Gerard’s shoulder subconsciously. The relief of finding Gerard blinded his alertness to the surroundings. Gerard was drunk, and they were surrounded by a few mob looking drunk men, there’s a good chance he’ll end up in a near by hospital within ten minutes.

Frank’s half reproaching concerns fell on deaf ears. Gerard’s current state was too drunk to pick up on a particular voice to focus on to.

“Hey Gerard! Tell you faggot friend to fuck off. I need more beer.” The man whined, the others agreed with faint groans.

“Fuck you, Rex! Don’t – don’t fucking say that or – I’ll – kill you…” Gerard barked.

“What? Have you turned faggy too? Huh?” Rex teased. The other guys around them started laughing wickedly, showing support to what their friend had said.

“Oh, I know. This kid’s your new boyfriend, and little good boy here doesn’t like you drinking, does he?”

Crude laughs surrounded them, increasing Gerard’s frustration. “Fucking – leaving us alone. Ok?” Gerard pushed Rex backwards, showing his building anger.

“What? So you can make out with your boyfriend?” Rex pushed Gerard back.

Frank panicked. This does looks like a pre-fight or something. What if they really started fighting? What should he do? Should he run away? Leaving Gerard alone? Or should he stay with Gerard? And what was he gonna do? Fight? You don’t even have to know Frank to know he’s not good in fights. Maybe verbal fights, but definitely not physical fights.

“Frank – ” Gerard tried to turn around and talk to Frank but was pushed further towards the wall, to Frank.

“You might as well fuck him in front of us.” Rex scoffed.

Frank felt Gerard’s heated breath on his neck. They both were sucking in air desperately, Gerard might be out of anger, but Frank’s panting was definitely out of fear.

“Run, okay?” Frank’s eyes went wide.

“What? No! I – ”

“Run. I’ll be fine, okay?” Gerard pleaded. “I know these assholes, it’s – it’s fine.” He tried his best to ensure Frank. He was just, glad to see Frank here.

“Okay.” Frank nodded franticly.

“Go.” Gerard pushed him out into the street a little and Frank ran like mad.

“Hey! What the f – , come back here, you fag!” Rex yelled and tried to chase after Frank but Gerard stopped him by standing in front of him and pushing him backwards.

“Look, he’s just – a kid, okay?” Gerard panted. “If you wanna talk, I’m – right here.” Gerard’s mind was a lot clearer than it was before. He was gonna kill these son of a bitch.

*

Frank ran till he couldn’t feel his legs anymore. He thought he might have ran for at least 10 miles or something, he didn’t know. He ended up back at his house. Frank turned the doorknob quietly so he wouldn’t wake Angela, but Angela was wide awake and was sitting on the couch when Frank got in. Angela looked up and run to Frank. Frank knelt down so that he could hug his sister as well. Angela clenched her little hands so tight that they shivered a little.

“Angela, why didn’t you sleep? It’s very late, hum?” Frank pulled back and tried to smile. He brushed Angela’s long brown hair back a bit and put a hand on her cheek, caressing it with his thumb.

Angela took Frank’s hand in hers and buried herself in Frank’s chest again. Frank held her close with both his arms but was worried by Angela’s silence. “What happened, Angela?” Frank pulled back and asked seriously.

Angela cupped Frank’s face with both her hands and kissed his right cheek gently. She smiled. Happy, relieved. She pointed at her wrist and at the door and then she dived right back into Frank’s arms again.

Frank frowned but soon realized what his sister was trying to tell him. He had been gone for more than four hours, leaving Angela alone at home. Angela wasn’t scared, but she was worried. It had already been dark when he got out, and now it was almost midnight. Angela didn’t know where Frank was heading, even neither did Frank, he still should have said something more specific than going ‘out’. Frank had never left Angela alone for more than an hour. He’d always brought Angela, no matter where they were going or whom they were meeting. This must had been too sudden for Angela. He should have said something, really.

“I’m sorry.”

Angela shook her head and held Frank even closer, maybe till she could feel that Frank was never gonna leave her without saying anything again.

*

That night, Frank stayed up late on his bed, just looking up at the ceiling.

He had left Angela because of Gerard. Not literally ‘left’ but in Frank and Angela’s standard, he had left Angela because of Gerard. That didn’t usually happen. Whatever Frank was going to do, he would always make sure Angela was being taken care of, even most of the times were Angela taking care of herself, but they both knew their limits, and they both like working with what they had. But he had left Angela, seconds after he had received the phone call from Mikey.

And the worst part was that, he didn’t even once thought about Angela in those four hours. All he had thought of was Gerard. About what kind of person Gerard was before he had met him. About what might have happened to Gerard. About what would happen to the two of them, and Mikey. All of these had taken over his mind. He didn’t realize how frightened, how worried and lonely Angela might be feeling at home. What was wrong with him? What was he thinking?

Frank whimpered a bit and sat up. He hugged the pillow and rested his chin on it. How could he had done this?

Just as Frank was about to doze off, Angela knocked on the door and slipped into Frank’s room. She mumbled something that Frank couldn’t hear and crawled onto bed.

“Everything’s fine?” Angela looked up to her brother and asked.

“Yeah,” Frank pulled the blanket up so it covered Angela’s shoulders. “Everything’s fine.” His hands were shaking.

Angela kissed him goodnight.

*

Frank stared at his advanced maths test paper in disbelieve.

34/60

What is wrong with him? Test week was over and his results were ridiculously low. Not that it was really that unexpected cause he knew he wasn’t paying attention in class and he wasn’t concentrating when he did his revision, but this was still unbelievable and unacceptable.

The worst part was that he had actually thought of Gerard while having his A-maths test. He couldn’t concentrate to that kind of level. Frank wondered what could be done to solve this problem. He thought he was absolutely over Gerard a few weeks ago and now he’s thinking of him while having an A-maths test? What the hell.

Was it because of the night in the alley? Gerard had put his safety in first place even he was drunk. Frank had noticed that fact. Gerard was willing to let himself get beaten just so Frank could escape. Frank was fairly grateful for what Gerard had done for him, but he just thought maybe it would have been better for the both of them if that never happened. Frank didn’t want Gerard to know he cared, that much. If only Gerard had known he had left Angela for him.

Frank didn’t want himself to know he actually cared.

“I mean, don’t worry, nerd. I bet only 20 percent of your classmates passed.”

Angela snatched the test paper from Frank and took a look at it. Her brother had been whining about how bad he had done in the test week for at least half an hour and she’s starting to get bored. Even though the questions seemed easy for her, this didn’t seem like a good time to make fun of him.

“How’d you know?”

“Because, from what I recall, that’s what you always say after you got the results for A-maths.”

Frank fell silence for a moment. That was what he would normally say, but this was different. “But this time I’m at the bottom of the 20 percent.” Frank said seriously.

“Agh!” Angela placed a hand over her forehead. “Quit being so harsh on yourself already. No one’s pushing you to study that hard. Who the hell would care even if you failed? It’s not like we have parents to bitch about our grades anyway. Not like the others.” Angela smirked.

“What did you just say?” Frank frowned and said grimly.

“Nothing, I just – ”

“You think not having parents is an advantage? So that no one’s pushing you to study?”

“No! I – I don’t know…” Angela looked up at her brother and flinched when he yelled.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you even know why I’m studying that hard? If our dad hadn’t walked away from us and made mom a crazy drunken bitch, I wouldn’t have to study that hard! I wouldn’t even have to take care of you!” Frank barked. His face and ears were all red with anger.

He couldn’t believe what his sister had just said. How dare she even thought of it. And just then he was thinking he might not get the chance to go to the private college he was planning to study in. Who knows his sister didn’t actually give a shit? Who knows why did he actually give a shit.

Frank sighed angrily and stormed out of the room, leaving Angela dumbfounded and at the edge of crying.

*

Frank went into the kitchen and poured himself some ice water. He tried taking deep breaths, see if it would help calm himself down. And by the time he did, he couldn’t quite remember what he had said to Angela. Frank knew it must have been something really bad because he heard Angela closing her own bedroom door with a loud bang. He swore he never thought of yelling at Angela and all, but it all came out like he had been thinking of it for the whole day, which he wasn’t going to admit.

Needless to say, it was wrong for Angela to think that it’s a good thing that they didn’t have parents who actually care about them. But again, Angela was very young when their father left. As a child who never had a parent who actually gives a shit about their kids, Angela’s idea of ‘parents’ didn’t seem that absurd after all. She only knew what would it be like from her friends mouth. Kids always whine about how annoying and strict their parents are at Angela’s age, so maybe all Angela knew was that parents are annoying but didn’t know what great changes it might cause if it had been the otherwise. Maybe from what she had heard, not having parents were better off.

Frank regretted what he said. He remembered telling Angela that he never wanted to take care of her, which was absolutely wrong for him to say. And he didn’t mean it, he never would. Taking care of his sister was like the best thing he could ever hope for, and he was good at it. He just, never should have said that.

Frank went up to Angela’s room and knocked on the door. Angela didn’t open the door, which was expected.

“Angela!” Frank knocked again. He leaned closer to the door and heard faint sobs coming from the inside, which was unexpected. Frank hadn’t seen Angela cry since he last yelled at her four years ago.

Maybe he was really too harsh just then. Angela never had the chance to know her parents. “Angela! I’m here to apologize! Don’t you want to hear me beg?” Frank shouted through the door. Trying to make the conversation a little less tense than it already was.

Just when Frank was about to give his third try, Angela yelled from the other side of the door. “Go away!” her voice was hoarse from the crying.

“No, but Angela – ”

“Go away!” Angela threw a pillow at her door, making a loud thud.

“Fine! Whatever!” Frank wasn’t gonna tolerate his sister this time. She was the one who said the wrong things anyway.

Inside the room, Angela heard Frank grab his keys and a bang from the front door.

The little girl cried even harder.