Define ***ed-Up

“She’s still not talking to you.” Gerard wanted it to sound like a question but it didn’t sound like one when it came out. Frank shook his head and buried his hands deeper into his pockets.

It’s only been three days, with Angela not talking to him and all. Frank thought he might be going bipolar in a crazy way if this thing continued. It was as if he was having the time of his life when he was out with Gerard doing whatever he felt like doing, but shutting down completely when he was back at home. Home was like a shitty cave without a flashlight right now, because, let’s face it, his home is fucked up. Without a father around taking care of fatherly businesses and without a mother around taking care of motherly business, all the focus then came down on the elder son, which is just, fucking hell.

Also, now that his only starlight at home was so mad at him that she refused to even sit at the same table with him at dinner time, he’s not sure he liked the sound of home anymore. Not that he ever liked it. Frank thought when he remembered how his sister threw him looks whenever they were in the same room. Frank knew it’s probably not a good idea to leave his eight year old sister at home alone, while he was out dating, but Angela was clearly hating his presence, so maybe it’s not that bad after all. Might as well call it a win-win. Unless cops came by and saw her at home, alone, then he’d be so dead. But no, actually. It’s their mom’s fault if that ever happened. So, it’s all good then.

“Have you tried talking to her, then?”

“That’s non of your business.”

“Hey,” Gerard stopped abruptly and said, “I thought we’ve agreed not to talk to each other like that anymore?”

Frank opened his mouth to say something about that ‘agreement’ they had but nothing came out, so he settled with an apologetic smile and a small sigh. “Ok, I have not tried. But even if I had, it wouldn’t have worked out well, anyway.”

“Or maybe not.” Gerard placed a thoughtful smile on his face and started walking again.

Frank scoffed and followed. “Oh, please. You know nothing about what’s happening.”

“Oh, in case you’ve already forgotten, I was asking about it just a minute ago. You are the one who’s not telling me.”

Frank took a long drag of air, he could feel the chilly breeze drowning his lungs, then asks, not even bothering to be subtle about the change of subject, “You wanna come over tonight?”

Gerard glanced over at him, looking a little surprised. “I didn’t know Angela was having a sleep over.”

“No, she isn’t.”

“And you want me to come over?”

“Yeah,” Frank looked at Gerard and then at the sky, he could almost see some star through the neon lit sky. He said, “Who cares?”

At his side, Gerard thought about the offer and the things that had been going on with Frank and his sister. Maybe he could do some help tonight.

*

On their way to Frank’s house, Gerard was talking about one of his students at school when Frank suddenly kissed him on the corner of his mouth. Frank smiled cheesily and urged him to continue. The teacher threw the youth an odd look and shook his head disapprovingly.

“What?” Frank tried to ask innocently, despite himself.

“I thought you were listening.”

“I was.” Frank laughed and playfully punch Gerard’s arm.

“Well, from what you just did, I can’t help but think maybe you weren’t. At least not as fully concentrated as I thought you were.” Gerard tried to pull sullen face as though he was one of the discipline teachers, lecturing a student, although he never was one. Too likable, the principle had said.

“Oh, come on. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a long time but couldn’t do it because I…wasn’t dating you at that time.”

“You have?”

“Of course.” Frank gave Gerard a big hug from the side and said. “I’ve always been in love with you.”

“You have?”

Frank laughed and nearly fell off the curb. “Didn’t you get the vibe?”

“No.”

“Aw, you’re so cute.” Frank gave Gerard a kiss on the cheek and took his hand in his.

His smile dropped when his own house came into view. This was going to be the time where his current heaven and hell collide. He was going home, but with Gerard at his side. Is this okay? Bringing Gerard home, when he’s still fighting with his sister? Would Angela like it if they weren’t fighting? Is this making Gerard uncomfortable? Is he really going to do this?

“You know what?” Frank turned around and looked at Gerard with a set jaw. “I don’t really know – ”

“No.” Gerard said, walking past Frank. “I’m not going back now. My apartment is not very near where you live, in case you have forgotten.”

Gerard was frowning at him but Frank knew he was just trying to help him make up his mind. He had brought Gerard here to help him. To stay by his side when he would talk to his sister later. And Gerard knew this, too. He had been eager to come. And Frank appreciated that.

Frank fit his key into the lock and opened the door. The living room was empty, but the door to Angela’s room was closed, so she probably had locked herself in her room, again. Locked doors were banded in their house, like many other families, but there were many other rules they had already broken in this fight, so Frank wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it and start a whole new level of fight between him and his sister.

Frank stood in the middle of the living room and not thinking of anything at all. He was suddenly sure that he wasn’t going to be the one who’s going to ask for her forgiveness. He didn’t start the fight, seriously. He knew this wasn’t a mature thing to think of, but he really didn’t start that fight. Leaning on the door, Gerard was bobbing his head towards Angela’s room. Frank didn’t want to, not really, now that he had come to think of it.

“Technically, I didn’t start this fight. So it’s quite unfair to me if – ”

“No, it’s not unfair, it’s fucking unfair.” Gerard stood straight and continued. “Being the elder brother sucks so bad, I know. Sometimes, we’re just older than our brothers and sister by that much, but people still expect us to do the right thing, the ‘mature’ thing. So that’s what we have to do and I’m sure your parents tell you that all the time. Angela is an exceptionally mature and thoughtful girl, but you’re still her elder brother and you’re not expecting her to come out of that door and apologize to you, so you can get back to the life you had four days ago.”

Frank pursed his lips and his shoulders slumped. Gerard stilled, he crossed his arms and bowed his head a little, which made Frank thought about how Gerard had said that his parent must have said something about being responsible as an elder brother to him and thought how he could laugh out and say no he didn’t think so. But that evidently would be followed up by questionings, which Frank was in no mood for, so he mentally kicked himself for thinking about such meaningless things and put the thought at the back of his mind. Frank lifted his shoulders, “Whatever.” Gerard frowned again, but with a small smile this time.

Frank asked Gerard to sit on the couch while he did the talking, because even though he had brought Gerard here to give him some spiritual support, he still wanted his conversation with his sister to be private. Well, as private as possible because Frank’s house wasn’t huge that you weren’t gonna hear anything as long as you stay in the living room area. Gerard had smiled at Frank and settled himself with a cup of juice and a basic cable on mute in the living room

The elder brother sat in front of his sister’s bedroom because he had expected this conversation to be long and galling and potentially vexatious. But what the hell whatever. He had planned on doing this and now his boyfriend outside was insisting him on doing this as well. There’s no turning back.

Frank knocked on the door and waited for a response, and when he didn’t get any – which was expected – gently, he drew his sister’s name out. Frank brought his palm up and pressed it against the door. He could feel his sister listening, her breathing, her heartbeat.

“Angela.” He repeated.

“I’m – ” He exhaled with his lips pressed into a thin line. “I’m sorry, okay?” Frank paused for a while. “Like really, really sorry.”

Frank knew this wasn’t enough. He had to say something more, something deeper that reaches to his sister’s stone carved heart. Ok, maybe that wasn’t doing much help. If he was going to do this, he might as well do this right. Take one and get this over with. Say it, even though it’s so cheesy you never thought it could possibly come out of your own mouth. Say the things you have been thinking for days. Say it like you mean it from the bottom of your heart, because you know you do.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, I’m sorry I swore at you and I’m sorry I said I never wanted to take care of you. You’re mad because of this, isn’t it?” Frank crossed his arms and leaned on the wall behind him. “Well, I did some thinking after that and I think I know why you said those things about not having parents now. You were young when dad left, so you probably don’t understand how hard it was for me at that time. Seeing mom giving up on herself, giving up on taking care of the family. I mean, we could still be a family, right? Even with dad gone, there’s still the three of us. But she didn’t quite see that point, so…But I’m fine now, it’s been so long and I’ve long since gotten over it. But it still hurts, you know? When you talk about them like they are some distant relatives we don’t see much. That time, when you said that, it’s was – that was too much. How can you – ” Frank remembered the purpose of this conversation and stopped himself before he could screw it up. “I just, hope you can understand that.”

“And for the record, I don’t hate taking care of you, not really. Even though you’re whiny, crazy, occasionally bitchy and – and a lot of other things, but you’re still my kid sister and I happen to really like you. Both our parents are gone, it’s just the two of us. So can you please not leave me alone? I literally can’t live without you.” Frank listened to the movements inside the room with tense shoulders. “Please?” The door cracked open.

Angela straddled Frank on the hip with pursed lips and hugged her brother. “Asshole.” Angela whispered gently behind Frank’s ear.

“Hey.” Frank turned to give his sister a frown but Angela was facing the wall so she couldn’t see it. “Well, you swore in front of me.” Angela said but didn’t let go.

“So we’re even now, huh?” Frank pulled Angela up so she was sitting on his lap.

“I’m sorry for what I’ve said. About the mom and dad thing.” Angela said, eyes elsewhere. “I never thought in that way, like, about how it was for you. I just thought – ” She shrugged.

“Me too, angel. Me too.” Frank patted her head.

“And I have some quite good news you might wanna hear.” The brother smiled and glanced towards the living room area.

“And that is?”

“Me and Gerard, we’re together now.”

“Oh, you did not.” Angela’s eyes went wide. “What? Isn’t that what you want?” Frank asked.

“Here I was, bawling my eyes out for hours a day and you were out there dating? How could you?” Frank was skeptical. His sister really cried that much? Or was it just one of her dramatic metaphors? “I – I didn’t know…”

“Never mind. I was kidding.”

“Really? You’re ok with that?”

Angela scoffed and gave him a wicked smile. “Yeah, of course.”

“Well then, he’s in the living room watching TV right now.”

The whole of Angela’s face practically glowed. She abandoned her brother immediately and was gone in a heartbeat. “MR. WAY!” On the floor, Frank smiled to himself. Well, at least we all know where her heart will always lie.

Frank took Angela to bed after she was done telling Gerard how mean her brother was and how she hated his guts and all and all. Frank went into the kitchen and saw Gerard clutching the cup in his hands, a serious look on his face.

“What is it?”

“Your parents left you two and you never, ever said a word about it.”

He heard all of it. Frank’s mouth moved like he might say something, but the only sound was the roar of the vehicle running on the road outside blending with the pounding pulse in his ears.

“I thought I was someone you would turn to, someone you could share your problems with.”

“You are, Gerard.” Frank tried to stop Gerard before he could get to the ‘but’ part of the sentence.

“Then how come you never told me your father left you and your mother – doesn’t, doesn’t care about you?”

“They just, never came up in conversations.”

“Of course they have. I, god, I always talked about them but you never, they don’t even – Oh god.”

“Please don’t be mad at me because of this.” Frank hugged himself with his head bowed. He couldn’t look into Gerard’s eyes without feeling bad for himself. Now that he had made up with his sister, he couldn’t afford to lose Gerard again. Not because of this, this cluster fuck he called life.

“I’m not, I’m not mad at you. How can I be mad at you because of this? I just, now that I know the truth, everything made sense. Your parents never at home, Angela’s frown when she hears the word mom and dad at school, you telling me they don’t care, everything. If I had known, I would never say those things about parenting in front of you. Does – does those hurt, too?”

The tension drained out of Frank when he heard Gerard. All his features softened, he put his arms around Gerard’s waist and buried his face in his shoulder. “It’s okay, Gerard. Everything is okay now.”

***

It was late at night on the next day and the three of them were watching Brothers & Sisters on ABC when the phone call came. It was Frank who answered the phone and he knew that was one of the turning points of his life from the moment he heard the voice through the phone. “Mom was in a traffic accident, Angela.” Frank voice started to crack, and he stopped, and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Mom’s dead.”