I'm Such a Mess, I Wonder How I Looked Through Your Eyes

I bit my lip slightly and looked up to check the clock, all the while trying my hardest to keep my unoptimistic side at bay. I heard the chattering of my band mates in the background, but you know how it is when you're anxious about something; everything around you seems to get tuned out and all you're able to focus on is that one particular 'something'.

Everyone as a whole has been waiting for this day to arrive for some time now. The plans for this day had been made a few months back, and ever since then, we've been looking forward to it. I know it sounds lame, but I've actually been counting down the days to this very date. And now that it's here, I can't help but been anxious, nervous, and excited all at the same time.

Today was the day that I wound finally see her again, her, the girl that held my heart in her hand and had my will wrapped around her pretty finger. It's been two years since I've seen Alyssa, and two years has been too long for me to go without her.

Like an obedient pet, I obliged to her wishes, and stayed put in Texas instead of going to California like I wanted to. I couldn't tell you how many times I was on the verge of buying a ticket to fly to San Francisco, but then stopped myself just before I hit the 'checkout' button. As much I as wanted to see her again, I was scared of how she would react once I showed up on her doorstep.

Call me a pussy; I don't care because you'd only be speaking the truth.

"Kyle!" Austin yelled, bringing my attention from my thoughts.

Slowly, I reached up and rubbed the back of my neck before I turned and gazed up at him. "Yeah?" I asked.

"Where're Alyssa and Caleb at?!" He wailed.

"I don't know," I whispered softly, "they should have been here by now." I licked my lips, "I hope she didn't change her mind about coming out this tour." I whispered, more to myself than to the rest of the guys.

Marc, however, heard my worried words. "She'll be here, Kyle." He assured me. "Its rush hour traffic right now; they're probably just stuck a few blocks away."

"But ... what if she's not coming?" I asked with a frown.

"Stop it, Kyle." My step brother sighed. "She'll be here."

Reluctantly, I nodded my head and then let my mind drift back to various memories of the past couple of years. Seeing as it was Alyssa I was most anxious to see, it was Alyssa that I thought of.

While I waited, I recalled the night she had called me on the phone, sobbing quietly because she was homesick. Naturally, I felt my heart start to ache knowing that because of the distance between us, I couldn't do much to comfort her so I did the only thing I could and sat there, whispering sweet words to her. It took some time for her sobs to disappear but I didn't mind staying up with her. It seemed, though, that with each moment that passed, allowing for her tears to dry, I felt tears of my own starting to form. That night, after Alyssa and I wished each other goodnight, I lay down in my bed and actually cried myself to sleep.

From there, my thoughts shifted, bringing me to the night of my birthday. Alyssa had called me, her speech slurred and induced by alcohol as she wished me a happy birthday. Slightly worried, I asked her if she was okay, and she said that she was perfectly fine; even though she wasn't in Texas, celebrating my birthday with me, she and Caleb went out to celebrate my birthday in downtown San Francisco. Unable to help myself, I laughed at what little words of hers I was able to understand, and then thanked her for calling me before I told her to go home and stay out of trouble. That next morning I woke up with a smile on my face, knowing that California hadn't changed my best friend.

Then, I remembered the day she called me about six months ago, and told me that she and Caleb had gone out on a date. I admit that the news hurt when I first heard it. But then, I heard the sadness and confusion in Alyssa's voice, and I realized that she wasn't exactly sure how she felt about having an intimate relationship with Caleb. Sure, there was a time when the two almost started dating, but because of me that road hit a dead end. Was it possible that because of me, Caleb's second chance with her would end up going absolutely no where as well?

A soft tap on my shoulder pulled me from my thoughts once again, and I looked up to meet Kent's gaze.

"Are you busy right now Kyle?" He questioned.

"No, I'm just ... in my own little world honestly." I replied.

"You want to go with me and get something to eat?" He asked. "I'm starving, but I don't want none of that stuff they have in room service." When he saw my hesitation he added, "Caleb just texted me; they're still about ten blocks away, and traffic is a bitch. We'll be back in time to greet Alyssa when she gets here."

"Oh, well, okay." I whispered.

I climbed to my feet and patted my pockets, making sure I had both my phone and my wallet on me, before I followed Kent to the door. As I crossed the room, I felt everyone's eyes upon me but I didn't look up to acknowledge any of them. The walk to the small diner was quiet, and we seemed to get there within a reasonable amount of time, but it took them longer to put together Kent's meal that I was planning. Nervously, I glanced at my watch seemingly every minute or so, hoping that we'd get back before Alyssa and Caleb got there.

"Kyle, relax." Kent sighed as he took in my anxious state. "We'll be back long before Alyssa and Caleb get there."

"I'm sorry," I muttered, "it's just ... I really miss her, Kent." I whispered. "It's been two years, hell, it's been more than two years since I've seen her."

"Kyle, you're not the only one who misses her," Kent reminded me. "You're not the only one she left behind in Texas; she left every one behind. Honestly, the only reason I think Caleb got to tag along is because he stowed himself away in her luggage."

"What makes you think she just didn't invite him?" I questioned curiously; honestly, to this day I still don't know if Caleb invited himself to San Francisco, or if Alyssa had asked him to go with her.

"If a girl were to move away because she was having boy problems, she would not invite another boy to move with her." Kent said in an obvious tone.

"Oh," I said, slightly taken aback because of the fact that I hadn't thought about it like that before, "that makes sense I suppose."

Kent eyed me momentarily and then laughed softly to himself as he shook his head. "This whole time you thought that she had invited Caleb along." He said.

"I didn't know for sure," I mumbled, "but, I was leaning more to the side that thought she did invite him."

"Well, rest assured Kyle," Kent smiled, "Alyssa didn't leave Texas with the intent of having Caleb replace you," he paused slightly, giving me a thoughtful look, "I honestly don't think Alyssa would ever be able to find anyone to replace you, even if she wanted to."

I felt a frown pull the corners of my lips down. "Did you know that she and Caleb went out on a date?"

"A date?" Kent repeated. "When?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "about six months ago." I said. "At least, that's the only date that I know of. If they've gone out on several other dates, Alyssa hasn't told me."

"Does that sort of make you mad?" Kent questioned. "I mean, one of your best friends, going out with your ex girlfriend?"

"I have no right to be upset," I whispered, "I'm the one who broke up with Alyssa. I broke her heart. Caleb told me that if I ever broke her heart again, he was going to put it back together and keep her for himself."

For a split second, I recalled the incident at the airport where I had gotten upset with Alyssa for telling Caleb about her pregnancy, before she told me. Disgusted with the way I had acted I shook my head and then looked down at my watch.

"Quit frettin'," Kent sighed, "here comes my order right now."

With that, Kent got up and grabbed his bag from the waiter who called his name and then quietly thanked him before he motioned for me to get up as well. Once outside, I looked up and saw that the sun was barely shining over the horizon, and twilight was settling fast upon Tampa Bay. For a moment I was caught up, knowing that back home it was still a while before they could watch the sun set.

"Kent?" I asked suddenly.

"Hmm?"

"What do you think about Alyssa and Caleb ... I don't know ... dating?"

"Oh," Kent sighed offhandedly, "I don't know. I mean," he hesitated, frowning softly, "I know that it'd be hard for you because you love her, but at the same time I know that Caleb really likes her too. If they do become an 'item' or whatever, it's cool too because they're my friends, and I want them to be happy but ... " He trailed off shrugging his shoulders as his words failed him.

About a minute worth of silence passed us before Kent spoke up once again.

"Do you think you're going to be able to handle this tour with Alyssa doing the Music Saves Lives booth?"

"I keep telling myself that I can handle it, but I don't know. I mean, I'm stoked that she's going to be with us, but at the same time, I'm scared because ... you know ... I love her but can't be with her." I admitted.

"Kyle, two years is a long time." Kent said slowly. "Maybe, you and Alyssa can work things out."

"Maybe," I whispered, "I don't want to get my hopes up though."

"Well, y - "

"Burns!" Someone yelled from behind me.

Knowing the voice, and knowing perfectly well that they shouldn't be yelling at me from the sidewalk, I stopped in my tracks and then shot Kent a half a look before I looked over my shoulder. Skating her way toward me with a bright smile on her face was Alyssa. Although a pair of big sunglasses covered seemingly half of her face, I knew it was her.

"Alyssa Jane!?" I questioned, making my way toward her. "What are you doing?"

"Traffic is fucking lame, so I hopped out and decided to skate the rest of the way." She grinned.

When she got within arms reach of me, she hopped off her skateboard and didn't bother to stop it before she flung her arms around me, hugging me tightly. I stood here in shock with the fact that she was actually here, that it took me a few seconds to come to my senses and hug her back. I'm not sure how long we stood there like that, each of us holding the other in our arms, but during that time it felt as if the world around us was tuned out, or put on hold for the moment.

"Kyle William Burns," Alyssa sighed, "I forgot how fucking skinny your ass is."

"Alyssa," I laughed, "I thought we already established a long time ago, that you couldn't make fun of my lack of body fat."

Shifting slightly, she looked up at me. I was barely able to see her eyes through her dark tinted glasses, but I was able to see enough to know that they were locked with my own stare.

"It's been two years, Burns." She whispered. "I've missed you so much."

"I know," I whispered back, "I've missed you too. After the tour ends, I don't think I'm going to let you go back to San Francisco."

"Good, because I'm not going back." She said. "The lease is up at the end of August; after that we're moving home."

"Really?" I asked. "You're really moving home?"

"Yes, I've had enough of the Bay Area for a while." She replied. "I already talked to the school back home, and we've been working on a contract for me to teach there again."

"That's great, sweetheart," I smiled. "Do your mom and pops know you're moving home?"

"Hmm, no, they don't. I figured I'd surprise them by showing up on their doorstep with my luggage in tow."

"Speaking of luggage," I said slowly, "where're yours at? And where is Caleb?"

"Still in the cab," Alyssa smiled. "I told you, Burns, I couldn't wait to see you again."

"Allie J," I sighed, though with a smile on my face nonetheless.

Slowly, I pulled away from her and she took the hint, unwrapping her arms from my waist. Glancing around, I saw that Kent was already making his way back to the hotel, via Alyssa's skateboard. I reminded myself to thank him later for letting me have a little alone time with her. Tearing my eyes from him, I looked back at Alyssa and smiled softly as I held my hand out to her.

Returning a smile, she reached over and laced her fingers with mine before allowing me to lead the way down the sidewalk in silence.

Maybe Kent was right, maybe after two long years I did have a chance to work things out with Alyssa. I swear this time that I'll be better to her, and for her. I swear this time things would be perfect.