I'm Such a Mess, I Wonder How I Looked Through Your Eyes

My younger brother stared at me with small smile clinging to his lips, and a happy sparkle in his eyes. He took his time before responding to my news, taking the liberty to take a long drink from the glass of raspberry iced tea in front of him. The ice chunks clinked together as he set the glass back on the table and he sighed softly.

“So that Burns won you over once again, huh?” He questioned.

“Yes.” I admitted. “He has.”

“He didn’t have to work that had to do so.” Lucas pointed out.

I blushed softly and took a sip of my own drink.

“I mean, it’s only been what … two or three weeks since you two have ‘reunited’, yeah?” He continued.

“I missed him,” I replied, “when I was in San Francisco I knew I missed him but when I saw him again for the first time in two years, it finally hit me just how much I missed him.”

“You’re in love with him again.”

“I never stopped loving that damn boy,” I said quietly, “even after all the shit we’ve put each other through, I never stopped loving him, not for a second.”

“He never stopped loving you either, in case you were wondering.” Lucas said. “He’s had plenty of offers and chances of starting a new relationship but he turned them all down.” My brother paused, licking his lips, “I guess in a way he always knew that you two would get back together.”

At my brother’s words, I frowned slightly; Kyle had never told me about any potential girlfriends.

“How many constitutes as ‘plenty’?” I wondered aloud.

Instead of answering me immediately, Lucas smirked and then eyed a couple of pretty brunettes dressed in daisy dukes as they walked by. When they were out of his peripheral vision he glanced back to me.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I picked up a hint of jealousy in both your words and expression.”

“Shut up,” I grumbled.

Lucas rolled his eyes and then shook his head slightly. “Plenty, as in a different girl every other month.”

“Sounds like he’s been pretty popular while I was gone.” I huffed.

“Oh fuck, would you just chill, Alyssa?” Lucas snapped, suddenly running out of patience with me. “Like I said, he didn’t go for any of them so no need to sound like you’ve been betrayed. Besides, you’re the one that left Texas, not Kyle.”

I frowned at my brother, not quite knowing what to say. I know that my decision to move away from Texas had left a lot of people unhappy; Lucas was one of the advocators of this group. Either of us sat in silence for a couple of seconds until I finally grew tired of the lack of conversation between my visiting brother and I. Studying him with my green stare, I gave him a half smile and decided to change the topic.

“Marc told me that you guys got dad’s grill banged up a bit a few days before the tour started.” I grinned. “Care to elaborate?”

“Oh Lord,” Lucas groaned, “dad hasn’t found out about it yet. He hasn’t gotten the urge to throw some steaks on it yet, but I have a feeling that within the week he’s going to see that dent.”

“I’m sure if you two had just explain what happened, he wouldn’t be that upset.”

“Alyssa Jane, it flew out of the back of my truck and tumbled down a small embankment for crying out loud,” he wailed, “dad will never let us hear the end of it.”

“He’d eventually get tired of giving you shit about it.” I laughed.

Lucas waved his hand as if to wave off my words. “Anyway, back to you and Burns.” He said seriously. “I’m happy for you two. Really, I am. Things haven’t been the same since you two broke up; you guys haven’t been the same. You and Kyle getting back together is good.” He nodded his head as if finalizing his statement.

“Thanks,” I whispered softly, “I appreciate your approval; it means a lot.”

Lucas cocked his head to the side, giving me a questioning look. “Why do I get the feeling that there are some not happy to hear you guys are dating again?”

“I told dad about it this morning when I called home.” I said. “He was, well … you know dad.” I said, forcing a small smile in my brother’s direction.

“Dad will always be protective over you, no matter how old you are.” Lucas grinned. “Especially when it comes to Kyle. Hell, I think dad figured it out our first day in Texas.”

“Figured what out?”

“That Kyle was in love with you.”

“You know what dad asked me this morning?”

“Hmm?”

I hesitated momentarily before I said, “he asked if I was going to marry Kyle this time around.”

“ … And?”

“And I told him that there was no way I could predict the future, but if it were solely up to me, then yes, I would marry him this time.”

“You’re sure that Kyle is the boy you want to marry?” Lucas questioned slowly. “I mean, I know you guys love each other and all but … marriage is big.”

“Honestly Lucas, I think that if we hadn’t lost Jayden,” I paused, feeling the sadness pull at my heart as I thought about my son whom I never had the chance to even hold, “Kyle and I would be married right now.”

My brother’s eyes grew wider just a tad, indicating that he was surprised by my answer.

I licked my lips, unsure as to what to say next. “You don’t see me marrying Kyle?” I asked slowly.

“I just … I don’t know, Alyssa.” He sighed. “I mean, all I want is for you to be happy and if Kyle is that boy that’s going to make you happy, then that’s fine with me. I just don’t want him messing up like last time.”

“He won’t,” I assured him.

Lucas didn’t say anything in response, but rather finished the rest of his drink. When the waitress came back to our table, Lucas handed her a ten dollar bill to cover our drinks and then waited patiently for me to finish my tea. After I was done, my brother stood up and held his hand out to me, helping me to my feet.

The walk back to the venue was short and silent, with each of us wrapped up in our own thoughts. I saw that a few kids were already lined up in the front, waiting for the show. As Lucas and I walked past them, some looks of recognition crosses the faces of those standing in line.

A few of them called out a greeting and I responded with the appropriate words and gave them a friendly smile before disappearing around the corner.

“Fan club?” Lucas asked once we were out of earshot from the group.

“Of sorts.”

“Hmm,” was his only response.

Walking around to the back of the venue, we passed an open door and I heard the sounds of one of the support bands playing inside.

“Hey, I’m gonna go watch their sound check, sister. I’ll catch you back at the bus or something in a few minutes.”

I nodded my head and then parted ways with him, making my way back to my bus by myself. I had a half mind to stop Kyle’s bus but changed my mind halfway there, walking past it to my own bus instead. I quickly punched in the code to the door and went inside, only to find my boyfriend stretched out on the couch while he played video games with Jeffrey.

“Hey babe,” he greeted me, “where’s your brother?”

I made my way to him and then leaned over, kissing his cheek gently before making him scoot over to make room for me. “He’s watching the sound check.” I replied.

“I think he has a thing for their keyboardist.” Kyle said. “I saw him checking her out when we were standing outside earlier.”

“She’s sweet,” I said, nodding my head in approval. “I wonder if I’m going to have to spend a few minutes tonight putting in a good word for him.”

“For Lucas?” Kyle wondered aloud. “Most likely.”

“Goodness, my brother, the ladies man.” I smiled.

With that, Kyle pressed a combination of buttons on his controller, and a few seconds later Jeffrey let out a yell of success. Kyle huffed loudly and then tossed his controller aside before taking my hand.

“Rematch in one hour.” He told Jeffrey. “Right now I need to spend some time with my lady.”

Carefully helping me to my feet, Kyle gripped my hand tightly and then led me down the hallway to the small lounge at the back of the bus. Once inside the small room, he shut the door behind us and then wrapped his arms around me tightly, holding me as close to him as he could.

“Babe,” I said softly, “what’s on your mind?”

“Your dad gave me a call earlier today.” Kyle confessed. “This is the first time he’s talked to me since you moved away.” My boyfriend paused, causing me to look up. I frowned softly when I saw the sadness in his blue gaze. “In a way it feels like I’ve completely blown my chance with your dad, you know? I’ve done too many things in the past for me and him to that sort of father-son relationship.”

“Did he say something to you?” I asked.

“He … I don’t know, Alyssa.” Kyle mumbled.

“Babe, tell me what he said.” I insisted.

Kyle let out a small sigh and then looked away from me. “He told me that I didn’t deserve you.”

“Oh, Kyle.” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Sometimes, though, I agree with him.” Kyle muttered with a hint of mock humor in his voice.

“Kyle Burns,” I sighed, “none of that this time around, okay? I just had a talk with my brother about you being the boy I’m going to marry. How the hell am I supposed to marry a boy who thinks I’m too good for him?”

The sadness in Kyle’s eyes lifted slightly and a small smile pulled across his lips as he looked back to me.

“We’re going to get married one day?” He questioned. “For real?”

“For real, damn it.” I insisted.

Kyle let out a sudden laugh and then nodded his head in agreement. “Alright.” He said. “One day, maybe someday soon.”

“The sooner the better I suggested.”

“Sweetheart, I gotta save up some money to buy you a pretty ring though. I’m not sure how fast I’ll be able to do that.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard, you’re such a tight wad with money.” I teased.

“Ally J, I am not a tight wad.” Kyle grinned.

Running his fingers through my hair, Kyle smiled down at me for a few seconds before he leaned over and kissed my lips gently. Still not use to the fact that he was actually right here, standing before me, I felt myself get a little dizzy from the mixture of intense emotions taking over my body. So, unsure what to do, I simply let my boyfriend take care of things from there on in.