I'm Such a Mess, I Wonder How I Looked Through Your Eyes

Quietly, I watched as Alyssa went around the room, visiting with the rest of the guys. It seems that as soon as we got back, she had been whisked away by someone else, and I haven't gotten the chance to talk to her since. Call me jealous, it's okay; I truly am jealous.

I had imagined our reunion to be a bit more, well, personal, as it was when she and I had walked back from the diner. Those five minutes that we shared were perfect. It felt like I didn't have a single worry on my mind, and for once I wasn't fretting about something. It seemed as if Alyssa had stripped all the negative emotions from my mind and instead bestowed her soothing composure upon me. Seeing her again, I didn't realize how tight strung I was without her.

Now that she was gone from my side though, and was instead exchanging words with someone else, I started feeling anxious again. I needed her to be sitting right here beside me, holding tightly to my hand with her smile shining brightly up at me.

As if feeling my eyes upon her Alyssa looked up and stared across the room, locking her gaze with mine. Happy that her attention was finally back on me, I smiled shyly and then waved to her. Returning a smile, she waved back and then leaned over, saying something to Marc before she stood up and made her toward me.

She paused just in front of me and then held her hand out to me. Slowly, I slid my hand into hers and then stood up as well. Without another word, she led me from the living room and outside to our private patio. There were a handful of lounge chairs here and there, and along the far side was our own pool. Alyssa led me straight to the pool and then stopped at the very edge, simply staring that the mostly transparent water. The sunglasses had left her face since our walk from the diner, so I could see that her eyes were filled with millions of unfinished thoughts. I knew that she must have had so many questions she wanted to ask me, but judging by the look on her face, she couldn't decide which question to ask first.

Instead, she released my hand and then surprised me by tugging her shirt up and over her head. I blushed softly when I realized how hard I was staring at her as she adjusted her bikini top, so I nervously cast my eyes aside before she shimmied out of her pants. I didn't have the courage to look back to her until she had gotten into the pool.

"Aren't you cold in there?" I asked, inclining my head toward the pool.

"Its summer time in Florida, Burns." she pointed out. "Summer time is summertime, regardless of whether its day or night; its not freezing."

"Oh...yeah." I muttered, adverting my eyes from her once more.

"Come join me." She insisted.

Nervous, it was all I could do I shrug my shoulders and mutter a few incoherent words under my breath.

"Kyle," she sighed, "you were staring at me the entire time we were in the living room, but now you're too shy to even look at me when I'm talking to you?"

"It's just," I paused slightly, trying to think of a reasonable excuse that didn't sound stupid, "well, I'm really shy right now because you had stripped yourself down to your bikini set right beside me, and now you're inviting me to join you."

"You're being shy because I'm wearing a bikini?" she asked slowly.

Not daring to say anything else, I merely nodded my head.

"You're not just feeling shy, Burns, you're feeling slightly awkward because you want to ask me something else, but you're scared of hearing the answer." she sighed. "It's been on the back of your mind all day, I know it has."

Though I knew exactly what she was talking about, I couldn't say that she was one hundred percent correct.

"Caleb." I said simply.

"Caleb." Alyssa confirmed.

"What else is there to say about him?" I asked.

"I don't know." she replied. "That depends on if there's something specific you're wondering about him."

Frowning, I looked back to Alyssa and found that she had come up to the edge of the pool, her folded arms resting on the concrete while they simultaneously supported her head as she looked up at me.

"Allie J, you're going to make me ask it out loud aren't you?"

"Of course I am, Kyle."

"Fine," I sighed, "are you and Caleb going out? Or have you two just gone out on a date or two?"

"Hmm, depends on what you mean by 'going out'." Alyssa replied.

"Alyssa Jane," I growled slightly.

"Kyle William." She mocked.

"If someone were to ask you if you had a boyfriend, what would you say?" I asked, controlling my voice because I honestly felt my temper starting to run short; I know that Alyssa could be a smart ass from time to time, but this honestly wasn't the time for her to start giving me a hard time.

"In that case, my response would be no."

Studying her, I saw the playful smirk on her face, but beneath the surface I saw something that let me know the truth. "There is something going on between you and Caleb though, isn't there?" I mumbled.

"I'll be honest, Kyle," she said quietly as the playful smirk faded away, "I've slept with Caleb a couple of times, and he has asked me to be his girlfriend, but I told him that I'm not ready to start dating yet."

"Why not?" I whispered. "He's taken care of you these past couple of years; you don't trust him with your heart?"

"I do trust him," she replied, "it's just that I'm not quite over you yet."

"Oh," I said offhandedly, having not expected that to be her reasoning.

As the silence ensued, Alyssa continued to study me with her intense green stare. The picture that my memory had made of her gaze didn't do their color any justice; I didn't remember them being this vibrant. Not knowing what else to say, I simply stood there and waited for her to break the silence. Alyssa tilted her head to the side slightly and then sighed quietly before lowering her eyes to concrete slab that made up the patio floor.

"I take it you're not going to join me then?" She asked.

"I ... " I trailed off, hearing the sliding door open behind me.

Tearing my eyes from Alyssa, I looked over my shoulder and saw Caleb standing there, a towel draped over one arm while the other grasped Alyssa's cell phone.

"Your mom is on the phone," he told Alyssa quietly.

Before I had a chance to turn my head back to the pool, Alyssa had climbed out and strolled across the patio, letting Caleb wrap her in the towel before taking the phone from him. After thanking him softly, Alyssa disappeared back into the hotel suite, leaving Caleb and I alone outside.

"Hey Kyle," he greeted me, "how's it going?"

"Honestly?" I asked.

Caleb nodded his head, but didn't say anything else.

"I'm doing great, yet shitty at the same time."

"Why shitty?" Caleb questioned with a raised eyebrow. "After two long years, you've finally gotten to see your best friend again. You should be feeling great, and nothing else."

"I know," I whispered, "and it's amazing seeing her again, but," I paused slightly, licking my lips, "she had just confirmed that there is in fact something going on between you two."

"She's not my girlfriend, Kyle," Caleb sighed, "she turned me down."

I rolled my eyes, and then shook my head. "You've taken her out on nice dates and had sex with her. She might say that she doesn't have a boyfriend, and you might say that there's nothing going on between you two, but ... you're winning her over, Caleb."

"I'm not going to lie and say that I'm sorry, Kyle." Caleb mumbled. "I told you before that if you ever hurt her again, I wasn't going to piece her back together and just hand her back to you."

"I know." I replied. "It's just ... you'd think after two years I wouldn't be as hung up over her anymore, but ... I still am. And I know that I have no right to be jealous of you, but I'm seriously jealous as fuck."

"You're in love with her," he pointed out, "you should be jealous."

Silence fell between us momentarily, and during that moment Caleb and I exchanged a sort of unspoken agreement. Adverting his eyes from mine, Caleb shoved his hands into his pockets and kicked randomly at an unseen speck on the patio floor.

"Would it make you feel any better if I admitted that I'm jealous of you too?" He asked.

I let out a snort of disbelief before I replied, "why in the world would you be jealous of me, Caleb? You're winning her over, bit by bit, whereas I have no more chances with her."

"If she didn't still have all those feelings for you, Kyle, it wouldn't be taking me so long to win her over." He muttered. "I honestly don't know if I can ever truly win her heart; even if I've pieced it back together for her, I don't think she can ever fully hand it over to me ... a part of it will always be with you."

Not knowing what to say, I simply stood there and stared back at him dumbly.

"I'll have you know one thing, Kyle," Caleb said quietly, "if you try and make a move for Alyssa while we're on tour, I'm not gonna give her up without a fight. I love her too, and I'd be damned if I sit back and make the same mistake you done by just watching her walk away."

Not waiting for my response, Caleb turned around without another word and then disappeared into the suite, leaving me alone to contemplate all the words I had exchanged with both Alyssa and Caleb.

I had hoped that this tour would be fun, and in a way relaxing seeing as how Alyssa would be with us. But after talking with them, I knew that this tour would be anything but. Sure, we'll probably be able to throw in some fun parts here and there, but all in all, the tension between Caleb and I was already mounting and the three of us had barely been stuck together for five minutes.

If I did decide to take a chance and win Alyssa back, I'd hate to think of what it would do to me and Caleb's friendship.