I'm Such a Mess, I Wonder How I Looked Through Your Eyes

I found that I have never been of any use when it comes to wearisome situations. The most I can contribute in times like these are my awkward attempts at jokes, and my subconscious finger thrumming. At the moment, I was providing the latter as I sat on the edge of Alyssa's camping chair, with Jeffrey watching me at a distance.

In front of me, my iPhone was sitting on the table, resting between a pile of pamphlets and a handful of buttons. Its screen was black, and had been for the past hour and a half. I knew that if I attempted to switch my thoughts to something else, they would only just drift back to my phone so I simply sat there, staring at it as if that would be enough for someone to call me with word of Alyssa.

With tired muscles, I reached up and ran a hand warily across my face. Across the hallway, resting behind our own merch table, Caleb sat quietly, his head and eyes inclined in such a position that I couldn't be sure if he was watching me, or watching something else in my general direction. I felt a frown pulling at my lips when I recalled the little dominance game Caleb and I had gotten into earlier, and then mentally scolded myself for acting like that in front of Alyssa.

She had just had a brutal collision with a complete stranger who was blaming her to no end, and could have possibly suffered a minor concussion. Yet, here we were, two immature boys bickering amongst themselves as if that would win over the heart of the girl we loved. With that public display, the only thing that we proved was that neither of us was capable of handling a relationship with her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing in my chair, Burns?"

Startled, I jumped to my feet and turned around almost simultaneously. I could only imagine that my movements looked ridiculous to anyone who had seen it, and the girl standing before me did indeed look very amused as her hazel eyes examined me. As my heartbeat continued to race out of control, I placed my hand over it in a ludicrous attempted to get it to return to normal.

"Allie J," I muttered, "you're back." I said, stating the obvious.

"Yup, only to find you stinkin' up my shit. Now move so I can get ready for when they open the doors." She demanded.

Feeling her nudge me with her knee, I stepped aside and she slipped past me, settling into her chair. While I watched, she went through her things making sure that everything was neat and orderly. When she was satisfied that everything was still in its rightful place, she clasped her hands together, letting them rest peacefully on top of the table. Without a single word to me - and not to mention even a sidelong glance - Alyssa stared blankly at the wall opposite of us.

"Alyssa, are you okay?" I asked hesitantly. "How do you feel?"

"Fine." She said simply.

"Fine?" I repeated. "But, what did the doctor say? Did they do tests? An MRI or a CT scan?"

"The doctor waved around a light in front of my eyes to check for any nerve damage." She informed me. "Then he gave me the okay to leave."

"So, no concussion?" I asked.

"Nope. I'm fine Kyle, now go and get ready for the show; they're getting ready to open the doors."

"But," I tried to protest, but Alyssa turned her eyes to me and I was caught off guard by the fierce intensity that burned within them.

"I said I'm fucking fine, Kyle." She snapped. "Now get the hell away from me."

"Alyssa, don't talk to me like that," I whispered, "I've been worried sick about you."

Alyssa stared back at me, looking as if she was torn between punching me and kicking me. She apparently decided against neither, though, and she turned her gaze back to the place she had been staring at just seconds before.

"Allie J," I whispered, hurt by the way she was shutting me out all of a sudden, "please."

"Leave me alone, Burns." She muttered. "I'm serious, don't come back until after the show."

"But - "

"Kyle, come on man." Jonathan's voice cut quietly through my future protests. "Give Alyssa some space like she's asked."

"I ... " My thoughts and words trailed off when I saw the sad look on Alyssa's face.

Seeing her like this, there was no way that I wanted to leave her now. Feeling Jonathan's strong hand on my shoulder, though, I knew that I wasn't going to have any other choice. Quickly, I reached over and squeezed Alyssa's hand tightly before I released it and let my band mate steer me away from the hallway and toward the back where we would wait until our set. As we disappeared down the hall, I heard the noise of the excited fans, indicating that they had opened the doors.

As we approached the lounge room where guys from the other bands had gathered to hang out, I spotted Caleb just ahead of us, exchanging a few words with his guitar tech. He looked up at us when he heard our footsteps and then quickly finished his current conversation.

"How's Alyssa?" He asked Jonathan.

"She's fine." Jonathan replied. "The doc gave her a couple of pain pills that's made her pretty irritable and moody," he said, glancing at me briefly before turning back to Caleb, "but she should be back to normal in a few hours."

Caleb nodded his head. "That's good." He said simply, and then turned to go into the lounge, but Jonathan spoke up, stopping him.

"I told Alyssa that I would talk to the two of you for her." He informed us.

"About?" Caleb asked, though he knew perfectly well what it was to be about.

"Nothing that should be discussed in the middle of the hallway." Jonathan sighed. "Come on, let's go talk outside or something."

With neither of us disagreeing, we set off to the back parking lot that was empty, save for our busses. We found ourselves an abandoned picnic table and took a seat. Jonathan didn't give us a second to sit back and think to ourselves before he told us what he wanted to say.

"Y'all need to lighten up." He said. "Alyssa didn't come along on this tour looking to hook up with either one of you. She just wants to have fun and visit with her friends. It's hard for her to do that, though, with your guys' testosterone production going into overdrive whenever the both of you come within five feet of her."

"It's hard to promise to behave ourselves when we're both in love with the same girl." I muttered.

"Well, y'all need to chill." Jonathan ordered. "It's not a fucking game or competition."

"Actually, in a way it sort of is." Caleb said softly. "We're both trying to win her over."

"When it comes to a girl's heart, it should never be a competition." Jonathan snapped. "When you chose to say or do something, it should be for her own good and happiness, not to one up each other."

Knowing that he was right, I bit my lip and frowned to myself, upset with myself once again. Across the table from me, the expression on Caleb's face revealed that he was going through the exact revelations as I was.

"Alyssa cares about the both of you," Jonathan mumbled softly, "but if you keep going around, making fools of yourselves, I honestly don't think she'll want to take either of your guys' relationship past the 'just friends' stage. Trust me, lighten up."

Not waiting for us to reply, Jonathan stood up and made his way back to the building, leaving Caleb and me to sit and dwell upon his words of advice. I hadn't realized until he had pointed it out, how selfish we were both being. My nature, I am not a jealous person, but when it comes to Alyssa ... everything about me gets twisted, and turned about. Let's face it, the girl simply does things to me that I simply can't explain.

"Well," Caleb muttered, "how was that for a scoldin'?"

My eyes set upon a rough engraving of the letters J.W. surrounded by a crude heart, and then sighed quietly as I traced my fingers over the rigid carving. "You know that he's right, Caleb." I replied. "The things we've been doing ever since Alyssa's arrived ... we've been stupid. A bunch of immature fucks that aren't even mature enough for a girlfriend."

"I've never acted stupid about a girl before, until Alyssa." Caleb confessed. "But that girl," he hesitated, searching his mind for the right word, but then shook his head when nothing came to mine, "fuck, I don't even know anymore, Kyle."

"What are we gonna do?" I asked. "We can't keep getting into these ... fucking dominance games and shit, we're not a pack of wolves."

Caleb was silent for a long time, and when I looked up at him I found that he was simply staring at our bus on the other side of the parking lot, as if it had the answers written on the side of it in a media that only he could see.

"How about ... neither of us make a move for her?" He asked. "Let her be the one to come after us."

"It sounds like the petty high school games girls used to play with us back in the day," I replied.

"I know it sounds stupid, but, I don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep butting heads with you, and fighting with you. I don't want our friendship to suffer because of this. I don't want to lose you as a friend." He admitted.

Although I agreed with him, I found that I couldn't quite bring myself to tell him that, so I simply nodded my head.

Without any more words to be exchanged between us at the moment, either of us sat in silence, thinking to ourselves about and trying to make sense of the mess that this touring situation was starting to become.