Losing Love

She stepped out of her car and took a deep breath before she approached the house. "I can do this," she whispered to herself before seeing her friends standing at the door waiting for her. "Hey guys." She waved as she hugged them.

"Hey stranger." Garry nudged her playfully and winked.

"Are you sure you are ready for this, Mand?" Ben asked. He sounded concerned, as if he thought she was going to crumble to pieces at any given minute.

"I am fine. Stop worrying." She smiled. She looked like she was mending slowly but she didn't sound it.

Nick's parents were sitting in the kitchen when she walked in. She smiled and hugged them. She had to swallow painfully to get rid of the lump in her throat then she saw Kate's face. She had lost a lot of weight. Today was obviously just as hard for her as it was for Mandy. Nick had beat the odds of surviving years past what was expected, she had braced herself every year for getting through this day without him but now that it was here she realized nothing could have prepared her. The house felt empty without him, without his laugh and his funny remarks. Life had taken a part of her away when it took her son.

"Would you like something to drink?" Mike asked as he stood up.

"No thank you, I am fine. I just want to get this over and done with." She breathed, opening the door out to the back garden. Kate had blankets lined up under the tree. She smiled seeing Naomi jump from the swing and run to her.

"Hey sweetie." She chimed, kissing the top of her head.

"Come on Naomi, you have to come inside now." Kate ordered, holding out her hand.

"But mom I need to be there when she opens the box. Did you bring the key?" She asked, the excitement shining in her eye's. Mandy had a feeling that this little girl knew a lot more than she let on.

Mandy eye's narrowed searching Naomi's face for any evidence that she knew something. She turned to face Kate who was leaning against the door giving her daughter a warning gaze. "It is ok Kate, she can stay with me." She agreed, as she took the child's hand and lead her to the back of the garden where a shovel was leaning against the tree. Ben took it and dug it into the ground until they could all she the worn gold foil. She gasped knowing she couldn't put it off any longer, that she had to face whatever that key was for. They all sat on the blankets and stared at each other before Sally reached her hand in the hole and removed the metal box. She brushed away the dirt trying not to rip the already worn foil. Mandy closed her eye's and inhaled deeply waiting for one of them to open it. She could smell freshly cut grass and home made soup. She tried her best to imagine he was there beside her, like he should have been, holding her hand and laughing because this was his birthday. She kept her eye's closed as she heard them gasp, she could see him when her eye's were closed. She could see his smiling face as he stared at her with so much love she was sure her heart would stop. She couldn't feel him though and she wanted to, she wanted to take him in her arms and wish him happy birthday and that they were going to live forever together. She felt a tear run down her cheek as she forced her eye's to open and felt her heart sink to the lowest part of her chest when he was not there, to laugh with her or to hug her.

She felt Garry's supportive hand around her waist as she wiped away her tears and forced a smile. She laughed looking at her friend's wide eye's. Mandy took numerous sheets of paper rolled up from the box and removed the elastic band. She burst into a fit of laughter when she saw that each sheet of paper was an individual picture of them the day of Nick's sixth birthday with a drawing of themselves next to it. She held her head in her hands looking at the picture of herself, her face was covered in chocolate and cream. Sally grabbed the pages and she too accelerated into a fit of laughter. "That was the day I stuck your face to the cake." She managed to say through her laughter.

"Oh my God, is that dress up Cindy?" Sally exclaimed dropping the sheets as she took the plastic doll from the box. She was more like a girl that had seen the handbag of her dreams. "My mom got me this for Christmas one year. I forgot I had put it in there until now. I searched the whole house for her."

Mandy stared into the box and saw Action Man laid across it, all she could do was smile remembering how Nick thought he had muscles like his favorite toy. Everything else was small things that made no sense to them now. "We really were weird children." Ben laughed. They all nodded their head in agreement and smiled as they watched the random toys laid out in the box.

Mandy turned her head to look at Naomi who was sitting there in awe looking at the things they had buried. "You really were weird." She breathed her eyebrows raised as she examined everything. "Wait there a sec." Naomi got up and ran inside. She was back within two minute and out of breath from running. "This..... is...... for you." She managed to escape from her lungs. She handed her a dark wooden box. Mandy stared at her in confusion. "The key." She prompted. Everyone looked at the little girl in shock standing there with the wooden box in her hand. She had it all the time without telling anybody. "Nick told me not to tell you." She smiled proud of herself for keeping his secret.

"You little rascal." Mandy laughed nervously taking the box from the little girl.

"Before you open it-" She began, "-he told me to give you this if he was gone on holidays with the angels for his birthday." She smiled innocently. Mandy felt the tears sting her eye's as she took the white sheet from Naomi, she gasped realizing that he had written her a letter knowing in his heart he would not make it for his nineteenth birthday. She unfolded the white page slowly.

To Mandy.

Yes I know what you are thinking, what is with all the letters but I wrote this and gave it to Naomi encase I had gone on a permanent 'holiday', so to speak. There is no more after this - I promise. The key I left behind is for this box, the one I am guessing you are holding. I would have loved to have been there to give it to myself but I can't be. Don't be mad at what I left at the end. I had everything planned out in my head, how things were going to be. I want to show you just how much I love you and what way I would have loved to have seen you in my life. I wanted to be there, to see your face, to see you smile in shock. I don't want to upset you but this was something I needed to do even if I wasn't there. I will rest peacefully knowing that you finally realize what I had planned for you tonight. I have the reasons why I love you written on each object in the box and what reminds me of you most.

I love you,

Nick.

She could see her tears soak through the page. Then, she took the key from her pocket with shaking hands and placed it into the lock. It clicked at it opened. She lifted the lid of the wooden box to her favorite blue scarf with a small note attached to it:

Reason number one - your smell whcih you left branded on this and the way your favorite colour it not just any blue, it is Maya Blue. The only reason you bought this was because of the colour. Believe me I remember, we spent most of the day in the shop looking for a specific shade of blue when to me they all looked the same and just as beautiful on you.

She laughed and placed her scarf beside her. A bunch of photos of her were placed underneath it. Each one had a different note.

Reason number two - have you noticed that you have six different smiles?

She went through each photo of herself, they all had writing at the back:

One when something really makes you laugh.
One when you are making plans.
One when you are laughing out of politeness.
One when you are uncomfortable.
One when you are making fun of yourself.
And one when you are talking about your friends.

She bit down on her lip to stop it from trembling as she stared at the photos. He was right, she did have different smiles. She thought someone was gripping at her heart knowing he took notice to every little detail about her. She pulled out the next object. It was a tube of lip gloss. Her eye's narrowed in confusion as she opened the note that was stuck to it.

Reason number three - that your favorite scent and flavor is cherry. I know that because every time you are near me I can smell your cherry shampoo and every time I kiss you a can taste you cherry lip gloss.

The next object was a CD belonging to her. It was one she had made herself with a mixture of music. "That's where that CD was." She sniffed.

Reason number four - your insane taste in music. I have never seen such a messed up collection in my life. But I love you for it.

Next, was another photo, but not just any photo, it was the one she was looking for the day she was at the house. She took it out and closed her eye's before she read the what he had written. She remembered that day, it was day he went into the hospital. The day he realized he would never walk back out of there. He did not need a doctor to tell him he would not celebrate his nineteenth birthday, he just knew himself. He was ok with it once she was by his side the whole way. The picture was of him in the hospital bed, her fingers were locked with his and he was laughing uncontrollably.

Reason number five - even when I was sick you could make me laugh. When I felt like giving everything up, you would flash me one of you six smiles and suddenly nothing else mattered.

She inhaled sharply as she stared at the last object in the box. "Oh my God." She heard Sally breath beside her. She stared at her friends as she placed the smaller black velvet box in her palm.

"You are going to love it." Naomi exclaimed.

"I hope to God there is earrings in this box." She said, her voice drenched in shock. She swallowed hard before she found the strength she needed to open it. Her hand shot to her mouth. "Oh God." She screamed. A white gold band with three lined diamonds sparkled in her eye's.

"The note." Sally reminded her anxiously.

Reason number six - because I want to tell everyone that the girl whose favorite colour is a weird shade of blue, the girl who has six different unbelievably beautiful smiles, the girl who smells of cherries, the girl who has a very odd collection of music, the girl who can make me laugh with a click of her fingers and the girl that I have given my whole heart was with me every single day of my fantastic life. I know we can't get married but I wanted to give you this ring to show people that you were my every thing. The ring is a sign that someday, if I was alive, we would have got there. I could give you a million different reasons why I love you Mandy, but only so much can fit in this box. Thank you for being who you are because it was you who kept me alive as long I did. I don't think I have ever seen so much strength and courage in one person, ever. Not even in my Action Man. Bet I made you laugh with that one.

He was right he did make her laugh, even in a note that brought so much sadness but also love, he found a way to lighten the mood. He finished with something very simple, the phrase he told her everynight on the phone. Simple but still made her heart skip a beat.

I love you forever.
Nick.