Losing Love

She knew people were staring but she couldn't help it. She thought the shock had taken over her whole body. She couldn't feel anything else, she couldn't even think. How was she going to get through this alone? It wasn't fair. Her life wasn't suppose to happen like this. Just when she thought she was slowly picking up the pieces to her shattered heart another cruel happening occurred to knock her back down again. It seemed that life did not want her to move on or get better.

She could feel her face heat up under her tears. Her screams had turned to distant sobs and she finally found the strength she needed to pull herself up.

"Mandy, please?" Matt begged. She swallowed hard before answering.

"I am pregnant." She whispered, lowering her head letting more tears fall. He stayed silent for what seemed forever but she did not dare look at him.

"Look at me, Mandy!" She heard Matt say in a firm voice. "You are going to get through this, ok? You are not alone, you have me and the rest of the family and I am sure Nick's family will be there every step of the way." He stroked his thumb along her cheek to wipe away her tears but it was no use, fresh ones fell in their place.

"Mandy, maybe you should come back in here and sit down for a moment, honey." The doctor suggested from behind her.

"I can't go back in there Matt. I can't. I want to go home. I just want to go home." She whispered through her sobs as she sunk her head into her brother's strong chest.

"Ok. We can go home." He assured her as he stroked her hair. He wrapped his arm firmly around her shoulder to stop her from stumbling and walked her out to the car. It felt like the blood in her legs had turned to water. He pressed the button on his keys and the car beeped open. He positioned her weak body into the passenger side and secured the seat belt around her waist. She rested her head back on the seat and closed her eye's. She knew sleep would not welcome her but she had to try and concentrate to block out the pain. The endless tears streaming down her soft skin were a sign that it was crushing her. She opened her eye's when the car began to move. She felt Matt grip her hand but she didn't look at him, it was easier not to. She did not want to see him suffer along with her.

The images of the endless trees that were passing her were blurry, the tears were still swimming in her eye's but she had calmed down slightly. Her sobs had turned to soft whimpers. It was like she had placed herself in her own world. The road she was looking at was a familiar one but it seemed new to her, like nothing was the same anymore. Her life was no longer the normal life of eighteen year old girl. It was obvious that Mandy had a maturity to her beyond her own years but nothing would have prepared her for this. It was not something she was suppose to be prepared for. Someone of her age was never meant to go through the hurt and pain that she endured. She had went through several times as much hurt as someone three times her age had ever went through. It did not seem fair to her and it wasn't. She kept on telling herself that maybe sometime soon she would wake up from the horrible nightmare. She found herself pinching the skin on her arm uncontrollably just to make sure she could feel it.

She lowered her eye's from the window feeling a single tear fall from her face. The stinging pain in her arm knocked her out of her trance. The tear had fallen onto the place were she had been pinching. She hadn't noticed but tiny spots of blood were pushing out through the broken skin. She wiped them away quickly before her brother had time to notice and come up with the conclusion that she had gone totally insane. She glanced over at him for a moment and then gazed out the window. She inhaled deeply a couple of times before she made her next decision.

"Turn at the next right!" She told him quickly.

"I thought you wanted to go home, why am I turning right?" He asked both confused and
worried.

"I want to go to the graveyard." She said staring at him. He turned his head from the road to her and back again a few times contemplating if it was the right thing to do.

"Mandy, I don't think-"

"Just turn right, Matt!" She ordered, raising her voice a little becoming impatient as he came closer to the turn. He sighed but obeyed her. She was already upset he did not want to make her worse. They drove about two miles before he pulled up outside the graveyard. She fumbled with the seat belt. "Stupid thing, open!" She nearly screamed as she threw back her head annoyed with herself.

"Let me get it." He said as he reached over and pressed down on the button relieving the buckle.

"Stay there." She told him as she opened the door. "I won't be long."

"I am not about to let you in there on your own, you can hardly stand." He let out.

She rolled her eye's. "Seriously, Matt stop with the over protective thing, please. It is just there, you will be able to see me for the most of it." She hissed. "Just let me do this." She pleaded in a softer tone. Her eye's were begging him through her tears.

He bit down on his bottom lip, "Fine." He grunted.

"Thank you." She smiled weakly leaning over and kissing his cheek. His big brown eye's were full of helplessness. She got out of the car and stayed still for a moment reclaiming her balance. It was the first time she had gone to the graveyard since his funeral. She walked through the big open gates and followed the gray pathway trying her best to retrace where his grave was located. Trees trailed along beside her, smothered by autumn leaves. It was just like it was in the park but here it was full of death and sorrow. She had to fight back her tears as she looked around among the hundreds of graves and families supporting each other as they cried miserably at each others side.

She found his grave easy enough. The gray marble headstone was decorated with only few flowers around it. They had asked for no flowers at the funeral, Nick did not want it. Now, there was just the odd flower lined up in front of the headstone which had been planted by his mother. She gasped as the memories of the day of his funeral flooded into her mind. She let them, she had come to realize that it was no use blocking them out, they were going to find a way to ruin her one way or another. Her hands began to shake as she bit down on her trembling lip. She had not expected it to but being there brought to her an over-whelming feeling of anger. The tears that spilled down her warm cheeks were not tears of sadness but more of annoyance and hatred.

She folded her arms trying to block out the bitter wind. She could see her breath in front of her as she exhaled. "I hate you right now, Nick. I just thought you should know that." She said as she lowered her eye's letting the tears fall. "I mean I thought you wanted me to move on. I wasn't going to forget about you but I want to be able to move on." She spat as the tears came faster. "You are lucky you are six feet under because if you weren't I would have killed you right now." She got even more annoyed with herself knowing that that was the type of humor he loved her for. "I can't do this on my own. I can't do this anyway. I mean me, a mother. Who am I trying to fool? I can just about take care of myself these past weeks without waking up to something that reminds me of you every morning, I can't do it." She cried, running her fingers through her soft hair. "I won't do it, not without you. It's all your fault, you shouldn't have left." She looked up and stayed silent for a moment coming to a realization. "Is this your idea of our own little forever - a baby? I don't want a baby, I am eighteen for Christ sake." She shouted. She was relieved there was no one too close to her but then again she did not care in that moment who heard her. "Make it go away." She bawled as she sunk to her knees. "Wake me up because I can't go through with this. I can't have a forever without you." She stayed there for a few moments trying her best to calm herself down. She knew in her heart that she could not go through with it. She needed him there with her and he wasn't. She stood up on shaky legs wiping away the tears from her red and blotchy face. She could not do anything more, she simply just walked away regretting her decision to go there in the first place but she knew she would of had to have faced it at sometime. Although, yelling to herself made her feel like she was going insane.

She walked out of the gates and saw Matt standing against the door of his car. "Will you bring me home now?" She asked, her voice breaking as she spoke. She hardly looked at him she just opened the door and comforted her slim body into the seat. He got in after her and started the car without any questions, he did not feel the need to. Then, it suddenly hit her like a tonne of bricks - she had to go home and tell her parents. She knew they would be very close to killing her. In her mother's eyes her life would be ruined, no college, no career. And she could not blame her she felt the same. They pulled into the drive of their house and her hands started shaking uncontrollably.

"Everything is going to be fine. I am here, I am not going to leave." He said kissing her forehead before he got out of the car and helped her out of the seat. She walked to the house in a complete daze. She already knew her mother would go into a complete blaze about it. Her mother opened the door with a smiling face before Matt had a chance to get out his keys.

"So, how the park?" She asked before noticing Mandy's tired and swollen eye's. Her smile sunk into a look of sheer worry. "What happened?" She blurted as they walked inside.

"Where is dad?" Matt questioned as Mandy pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and sat down weakly.

"I am here." Her father, James answered as he strolled into the kitchen.

"I think you should sit down." Matt advised them before they both obediently pulled out chairs and sat down. Mandy inhaled deeply dreading the words that were going to follow.

"It's ok." Matt whispered from beside her as her parents stared at her in silence. She wasn't going to be able to deal with the disappointment that was going to fill their faces. She swallowed hard and opened her mouth to speak.

"I was at the park when I got a phone call from the doctors." She began, trying her best to keep their gaze. "They got my test results back and I'm.... I'm" She stuttered saying the words, her eye's filled with tears.

"You're what, Mandy?" Her father asked softly, worry written on his face.

"I'm sorry. I'm pregnant." They both inhaled sharply and stayed silent for a long moment before either of them spoke. "Say something." She cried. She felt her mother's hand grip hers from across the table.

"Everything is going to be alright, honey." Her eye's widened in shock. She was expecting a war to break loose. Her father stood up with tears in his eye's. It killed her to see the look on his face. She had expected him to not talk to her so maybe she could deal with that for a few weeks but he did the total opposite, he walked to her and hugged her so tightly she thought her breath had been taken from her. She broke down against his touch.

"You shouldn't have to go through all of this. You never did anything to deserve it but we will be right here." He whispered, cradling her against his chest. He pulled away gently after a few minute and kissed her softly on the cheek before returning to his chair. "We are here no matter what." He assured her.

"Promise?" She asked.

"We promise." They both said in agreement.

"No matter what I choose to do?" She added.

"Well, yes sweetie. That is our grand child you are carrying." Her mother said hesitantly, confused about what she meant.

"No it's not." Mandy said firmly as she watched the confused eye's of her family. She had made a choice at the graveyard and she was determined to stick to it. She knew the words that were going to flow from her mouth would probably destroy them, but she had to do it, for her and the baby. "I am giving it up for adoption."