Losing Love

"Hey Kate, are you and Mike home?" Mandy asked Kate over the phone. She had decided after two days of deliberating, a mother that decided not to speak to her, a father who thought she was dying with every pain she got and a brother who made jokes about how much fun the labour ward would be that she needed to tell them. She knew it wasn't going to be easy telling them that she was giving their dead son's child up for adoption. She had prepared herself for the worst.

"Yes, sweetie, are you calling?"

"Yeah, I need to speak to you about something?" The nerves were breaking through her voice.

"Ok," Kate said hesitantly. "We are here now if you would like to call. Naomi is at school." She told her. Mandy sighed with relief. She was hoping they were on their own. They were obviously still taking time off of work.

"I'll be over in ten minutes." Mandy told her and they both said goodbye.

"So you have finally decided to ruin their lives have you?" Her mother questioned bitterly as she walked into the kitchen. Mandy grunted. She was not in the mood for another rant from her mother. Today of all days she did not need it.

"Do you ever give up, mom?" Ruth just rolled her eye's and walked back out again. Mandy felt the tears creep up on her but she wiped them away before they had a chance to fall. She had never wanted her mother's support so much in her life. She just wanted her to tell her everything was ok and she could get through it but instead she was set on making all of their lives a living hell the best way she could. Mandy said she would leave numerous times if she thought it would make things better for her mother but her father would not have it. He would not allow his little girl to think she did not have anyone. She hoped her mother would come around. The silence was killing her but all she could do for now was give her space and time.

She slipped her hands into her coat and took her keys from the table. She could hear her mother cleaning upstairs. The house was silent only for that. Her father and Matt had gone to watch a soccer match between two local teams. When she was about to pull down the handle to the front door her mouth began to water. She stood still for a few moments and closed her eye's making the choice if she needed the bathroom or not. She did not know if it was the pregnancy or the fact that she had to speak to Kate and Mike. She opened the door to let the breeze refresh her. It seemed to work. She walked slowly to the car just encase her breakfast decided it wasn't happy staying in her stomach. She had not suffered morning sickness exactly, it was more every hour of the day sickness. It wasn't that bad before she found out. She presumed it was nerves combined with stress. She never handled stress very well, it usually got the better of her.

As she pulled out of her drive she suddenly realized she had no idea what she was going to say to his parents. How do you start a conversation with you dead boyfriend's parents and begin telling them you are pregnant and that you are giving it up for adoption. "Hey Mike. Hey Kate." She was trying to practice her speech in the car. "I am really sorry but I am having a baby." She stopped and shook her head, feeling stupid. She thought the best thing to do was to just go with the flow. Anything she ever planned never turned out the way she wanted it. She was expecting a few objects to be thrown at her or something onto that effect. She swallowed hard as her mouth began to water again. She pulled over onto the side of the road and opened the door. "If you are going to do, do it!" She muttered staring at her stomach. She sighed when her nausea disappeared. She wanted to stick her fingers back her throat but that would make her feel worse. She exhaled loudly and pulled out back onto the road.

She could feel her knees kncoking together as she approached the house. She stopped for a moment in the middle of the garden to gather her thought's. She had thought about running as far away as she could but she knew she had to face it. She had to be brave. She had no idea where she was going to find the courage from but she knew she would have to muster it from somewhere. She raised her eye's towards the sky and cursed Nick under her breath, blaming him for the reason she was there in the first place. He should have been the one taking the abuse from his parents but now she had to take the hit from both her family and his. She swallowed hard and pressed her finger on the doorbell. She stood there tapping her foot with both fear and nerves.

"Mandy, how are you, love?" Kate swung the door open enthusiastically and pulled Mandy into a tight embrace. Mandy thought a knife had been dug so deep into her heart that it would shred to pieces and fall apart. How was she going to cause this family another heart break? She did not think she had the guts for it. Her knew found bravery was dragging behind her, disappearing with second of being in that house. She pulled away slowly and followed Kate into the living room. She rubbed her clammy hands against her skinny legged blue faded jeans. Mike gazed at her through sad eye's and grinned as she entered the living room and sat down on the cream leather sofa. She smiled weakly in response. She just prayed that the nausea would stay away for a full ten minutes so she could tell them.

"Did you need to tell us something?" Kate asked softly, tilting her head to the side. Mandy swallowed hard and bit down on her full bottom lip. She felt completely lost sitting there in front of them. It was worse than telling her own parents. They looked so helpless and now she was about to shatter whatever life they had left. They were going to hate her after this but she knew it was something she had to do. She wanted to do it. She would have to deal with their hate and get on with life for both herself and the baby growing inside of her.

"Yes I do. Before I tell you this, I just want you to know that I am so sorry." Mandy felt a lump in her throat. They glared at her for a minute both holding each other's hand in support. Just do it, Mandy, a voice told me in the back of my head. She exhaled loudly trying to seep her nerves out through her breath but it did not work. "I went to the doctor last week because my mother thought I was sick. At the time she could not find anything wrong with me but she did bloods and things like that. Then, I got a phone call two days ago to say my results were back." She closed her eye's for a moment letting a single tear run down her cheek. Telling them she was pregnant was the easy part, it was telling her what she was going to do was the hard part. "Well, I'm pregnant." She blurted. She thought it was better to just say it out. She stayed silent for a long moment letting them digest her words. She removed her gaze from the floor to glance at them both. They were both staring at her as if she had just said something to them in a language they never heard before. Mandy shifted in her sheet feeling uncomfortable under their gaze. She could feel the leather from the seat stick to her as she moved. "Now would be a good time to say something." She prompted. She heard Mike clear his throat viciously but they still did not say anything. She decided that she needed to tell them the rest, to let them know what she had planned. It was for the best, they needed to know. She inhaled deeply smelling the vanilla air freshener from the room. "There is something else." She continued.

"We will be here for you. One hundred percent." Kate informed her just before she said anything else. It was like she knew that Mandy was going to say something bad and she did not want to hear it.

"Kate, please listen to me." Mandy whispered as a single tear fell down her cheek. "I can't do this on my own. And I know you think that I won't be on my own because I have you and my family but when I mean I can't do this on my own I mean I can't do this without Nick. It just doesn't feel right. And I have so much I want to do with my life, it wouldn't be fair on the baby. I would be bringing it into one big complication and it wouldn't even of had time to get know life by itself yet. It wouldn't be fair." She told them. She looked at them straight in the eye this time. She wanted to feel the pain of telling them. She deserved everything she got after this.

"You can't have an abortion." Mike spoke for the first time. His voice sounded strained as if it was almost choking him to speak.

Mandy's eyes widened with shock. "No, I am not doing that." She assured them both. She felt her hands tremble in her lap. She closed her eye's briefly and swallowed hard. "I want to give it up for adoption." She said, a quiet sob breaking through her breath. Both of their faces were blank and it scared her half to death. The room was just silent but it was a deafening silence. She felt like screaming.

"Have you thought about this, Mandy?" Mike asked calmly.

"Yes, I have. I am so sorry." She apologized as the tears streamed down her soft skin and lulled at her chin, making small stains on her jeans. She looked over at Kate who was sitting there in silence, still with the blank look upon her face.

"That is our grand-child in there, Mandy. Please think about it. It would be the only thing we would have left of Nick." He begged wiping away the tears that had formed in his eye's.

Mandy shook her head from side to side, trying her best not to let his plea's sink in to her. She knew if they did she would give in. "I can't do this. I'm not ready. I don't think I could handle something that would remind me of him everyday. I need to move on from him first and I can't even do that." She said, placing her side fringe behind her ear.

Again she looked at Kate. She was starting to worry her. She heart almost stopped when she saw the woman's trembling hand make its way weakly to her mouth. This was a woman who had become like a second mother to Mandy and there she was killing her slowly with every word that fell from her mouth.

"Kate-" She began but was cut off.

"Get out of my house!" She said softly looking away from Mandy.

"Kate, I am so sorry."

"Mandy, get out of my house!" Her voice was beginning to get louder and louder. Mandy bit down on her lip to stop it from trembling. "Now!" She shouted, staring into her eye's. Mandy obeyed and stood up slowly.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, before she disappeared from the house, knowing she had left her heart and all her memories inside.

She walked swiftly to her car and got inside. The pain that was tugging at her chest was beginning to become unbearable. She hated herself. She hated everything about her. She started the car with shaky hands trying her best to hold the steering wheel as steady as she could manage. She was driving for five minutes when the full impact of everything she was doing hit her. She was ruining everyone's life. She was being selfish. How was she acting like this? This wasn't her, she despised herself and everything she was doing. She deserved everything she got.

The road became blurry as her eye's began to fill with more tears. Her heart began to race at an unnatural rate as her breathing became frantic. She had to pull over before she passed out. She swerved the car onto the side of the road earning an angry beep from the driver behind her. She felt like every ounce of blood in her body had turned to water. Even opening the car door was an emense effort. She got out and leaned her body weight against the car, looking out on thousands of trees. The day was dull and she could feel the mist whip at her face. Her lip became to tremble and her hands shook until the sobs finally came. She was glad she wasn't facing the road, even though the road was not busy she still did not want to be seen the way she was. Instead, she was gazing into the forest on the other side. Her hand shot over her mouth to stop her screams. It felt like she couldn't breath, like the air had been stolen from her lungs. She ran her free hand through her hair to stop it from sticking to her tears. Her tears covered her face until she finally couldn't stand anymore. Her body slid against the car and on to the ground. She could not take it anymore, life was turning out to be too much for her to handle.