Losing Love

It had been a week since Mandy told Nick's parents of the pregnancy and her new found need and desire to escape over powered the unbearable pain beating at every nerve in her body. But she had nowhere to go, nowhere to run. It felt like every time she tried to pick herself up something else came along to knock her straight back down again.

Again and again, the same question continued to resurface in her mind - why so many bad things should come to her? She had never done anything to deserve it, well nothing that she could think of. She refused to see the baby growing inside her as a punishment for turning off the life support on Nick. Yes, she still blamed herself for that and probably always would but that did not stop her maternal instincts. She would not let that amount of guilt be rested on an innocent child when everything that happened to Mandy was out of their power.

Just because she was giving the baby up for adoption did not mean she hated children. She loved children and they loved her but right now, what kind of mother would she make? She was sure it was going to be an unfit one. Someday she did want a family of her own but that someday usually involved Nick. He wasn't there to support her and to tell her that everything was going to work out just fine. He wasn't there when she needed him. It scared her that all she felt towards him now was bitterness. Of course she loved him, always would, but that did not stop her from feeling somehow abandoned by him. Then again, she also knew bitterness was involved in the stages of grieving, it would pass eventually and when she thought of it, did she really want Nick involved in this mess? She would not have wished it on her worst enemy.

She knew giving the baby up for adoption was the best thing for both herself and the baby. Her baby needed a life with two loving parents in it, people who could give it everything it deserved. She realized that lots of people did it on her own every single day but not every baby was brought into the world in the same circumstances as hers.

She always admired single parents, even more since she became pregnant. Everywhere she turned there was either pregnant women or small children. Life was cruel but she did not need to be a genius to figure that one out. The downhill ride of life had taken her as a passenger ever since the day Nick died. She was being selfish, she knew that but as much as she tried to convince herself that it would be over soon, she was slowly accepting that this was just the beginning. She loved her baby, that was something she could not deny. And to her the baby's life came first, that included bringing it into a normal life, one where it could grow up without any complications. She would have been happy to give up school and college and go back in a few years if that meant she could do everything for her child but the fear of knowing everyday would be a constant reminder that Nick was not there with her almost erased the love she had built. She did not want to be the type of mother that picked her moods and mistakes out on her child - it wasn't fair on anyone.

Today, she had gone shopping with Sally, Garry and Ben. Well, mostly Sally. Garry and Ben trailed behind, moaning endlessly about why women had to go into every single shop then come back and do it over again encase the missed something. Most of the time she felt like joining them, she had never been the shop all day type of girl, she would have gladly stayed at home and watched a game with the guys. The three of them would leave out a quiet groan when Sally started on one of her rants about the importance of designer fashion. A fashion she loved to pretend she could afford in a shop where the name was fancier than the outfits laid out neatly inside it. And the price tags were more than she could earn and save in a year. Still, Mandy allowed her to dream, it never hurt anyone, apart from Sally's bank account.

Her friend's had always been great to her but lately they had just been simply amazing. She even found telling them she was pregnant easier than expected and after two hours of wide eye's and questions they told her they would support her completely no matter what she chose to do, even with the adoption. They were the people she needed around her right now, people she could trust and talk to. With Matt gone back to college, her friends were the only other people she could turn to and she refused to let her head wonder to thoughts of Josh. He was good to talk to but she would never see him again. Well, unless they bumped into each other in college and that would be on a rare occasion because Liberty University is a massive campus. The only other way she would see him was through Matt, which she had learned that Matt and Josh were in fact great friends in college. Maybe she would see him again but would it really matter? It was in two years it was not worth fussing about how she was going to explain her breakdown at the side of the road. Hopefully he would have forgotten by then, not that she really cared anymore. She needed to focus on the present

Together, Mandy, Sally, Garry and Ben, had talked and agreed that she would go back to school next week. She thought it was the best thing to do. She wasn't going to get anywhere near a college if she stuck herself at home all the time and wallowed in self pity.

Unfortunately, their shopping trip had been cut short, mainly due to the fact that she had to run to the toilet in every shop she entered. Her rapid changing in body temperature left with both hot and cold flushes and the constant nausea threatening her insides was not helping on bit.

Her keys in her hand shook as cold shivers flushed through her body. All she wanted was to go to bed and sleep it off and hope it would be gone when she woke. She clung to the banister to pull her weak limbs onto every difficult step. She did not know if it was the pregnancy or the worry of everything that was going on that was making her so sick but whatever it was she felt like collapsing. Maybe it was both combined. She never complained, though, only for the light shadows under her eye's and her pale and drawn face, her parent's would have never even guessed she was sick.

"Mandy." She heard her mother call after her but she ignored her. She was too tired to reply. Her mother had not spoken to her in over a week, she was sure an extra few hours were not going to kill her. "Mandy!" She repeated pounding her feet on the steps as she followed Mandy, sounding more aggravated than before.

Mandy rolled her eye's and turned on her heals at the top of the stairs and was met by Ruth's hazel eye's. Her petite frame standing as still as a statue. Her lips were set into a hard line with tiny lines engraved around her eye's. Her brunette hair was cut short and was placed behind her ears. Now was not a good time for one of her mother's rants. "What, Mom?" She hissed. At this stage she was too tired to be polite to her. "Have you finally acknowledged that you have a daughter living under the same roof as you? Or have you just called me to tell me how stupid and selfish I am?" Her mother stared at her with wide eye's, her mouth open but she stayed silent. She had gone this far she may as well continue. "I know how selfish I am being and I know I am being cold and cruel so I really don't need you to remind me." She felt the hot tears sting her eye's. "I have told you over and over again that I am sorry and I really am. I would tell you that forever if you would believe but I'm tired, Mom. I am tired of trying to make everyone else happy when my whole life has disappeared. I try my best not to get in your way, I don't complain and I have asked you hundreds of times if you want me to leave. And if you do, I will, if that's what makes you happy. But this...." She waved her finger between them both, "This is something I just can't do. It hurts looking at you and knowing how disappointed you are with me but I can't do it anymore." She wiped away the moisture rolling down her cheeks.

She watched her mother climb the remaining steps in front of her. She was expecting another argument but when her mother wrapped her arms around her so tight, so lovingly, the tears that fell from her tired eye's were something she could not hold back. For the past two weeks that was all she wanted. Just some reassurance that her own mother was going to be there for her no matter what. Mandy's sobs caught in her throat as she gripped her hands around her mother's waist, not wanting to ever let go.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie." Ruth whispered as she stroked Mandy's hair. "I never meant for you to feel like that." Mandy could tell her mother was crying too, she could hear it in her voice.

She wanted to respond but when she opened her mouth she couldn't, the sobs were coming too fast for her to handle. "Everything is going to be just fine now. You just wait and see." She reassured her as she pulled away from her slowly but still having a hold of her shoulders. Ruth wiped away the tears from Mandy's face. "Right," she began, "first things first. You have your first ultrasound tomorrow so we will know how everything is going. Let me go with you, Mandy?"

She had almost forgotten about her ultrasound. Matt must have told their mother about it. He had made it his business to make sure she made an appointment before he left for college. She shook her head and smiled, still unable to get a coherent sentence together.

"Everything is going to be just fine." Ruth said as she took her into another embrace, rocking from side to side. Maybe things would get a little bit easier now. She knew she was going to come against a lot more, she had a feeling. She knew life wasn't going to let her get off that easy. But at least now, for the first time she had the support of everyone in her family. Maybe now, the loneliness might ease off - if only a little bit.