Losing Love

The realization that had hit Mandy back at the hospital had her feeling more confused than she could handle.

She didn't speak on the way home in the car, all she did was stare at the tiny, square picture that was shaking in her hand. Her mother didn't say much either, she must have sensed her uneasiness.

She knew two things for sure. One - she suddenly felt a lot more love for the baby growing inside her than she had wanted to feel. She did not want the attachment. She knew it would make it harder on everyone if she got attached to it. And two - as much as she loved it, she couldn't keep it. It just wasn't going to happen. She had her mind set on something. And when she had her mind set on something, she stuck it out until the very end.

She knew she had to over look what happened at the hospital, when she had seen the picture on the ultrasound machine. To her it was nothing but a moment of weakness - or so she was telling herself. She knew she was blocking out everything that should have come naturally to her, but she had to if she was going to go through with everything. She continued to tell herself that it was the best thing for the baby, and she believed it. She had to. It was the only way she would give it up. Otherwise, if she stopped believing, her natural instincts would come crashing down on her like a tonne of bricks and she would give in.

She folded the picture, placed it in her black bag that was swinging over her shoulder and swallowed hard to get rid of the lump that was threatening to choke her. For now, she was going to forget about it and concentrate on everything else. Getting back to school would be a start. She was due four weeks before her end of school exams begun. She would have plenty of time to be back on her feet physically. Emotionally, she was not so sure of. But those exams determined her future. If she wanted to attend any college next year she needed to get back to school and study hard.

Before she knew it her mother was pulling into the drive of their red bricked house. It was almost winter but her mother was determined to keep her flowers in her garden. She decorated it with flower baskets on either side of the door, filled with with yellow, blue and red delicate petals. She had flower boxes on the window sills, again filled with the same type of flowers.

For once, sickness had not taken over Mandy's whole day. It seemed to be staying at bay. But for how long?

"You hungry?" Her mother asked, as she walked into the bright kitchen. The cupboards, units and tiles were all cream with black counter tops.

"No, I am fine." She responded tiredly. Her mother had woken her early and she was not a morning person. They never agreed with her. She always thought school should start after noon sometime.

She watched as her mother stacked away the few bits she had bought at the supermarket, including her bag of herbal remedies or whatever they were. It didn't really make a difference, they looked revolting. Why would a person be so cruel to make something like that and then expect other people to drink them? It did not make sense.

The ring of the door bell knocked her out of day dream. She jumped feeling her pulse race as the sound of the loud bell resonated throughout the house.

"I'll get it." She hopped from her seat. The sudden racing of her heart woke her up a little bit.

She guessed it was going to be a sales person doing their down right best to sell her a scam. Or a group of people talking about how her life would be so much better if she crossed over to their religion.

But she was very, very wrong. She didn't open the door to a salesman or a religion converter but two very familiar faces.

"Kate. Mike." She gasped, opening the door. Her eye's widened, they were the last people she had expected to see. She swallowed loudly, trying to put a coherent sentence together. She was afraid if she spoke now, they would only hear jumbled words.

"We are here to talk, Mandy." Mike said gently. His worried eye's narrowing.

"Of course. Come in!" She prompted, feeling like and idiot standing there in front of them. She bit down on her full bottom lip, feeling the blood pulse under her skin.

She guided them into the kitchen, feeling her hands tremble with both shock and nerves.

"Mom." Her mother turned to look at her and her face mirrored what Mandy's was just moments before.

"We came to talk to, Mandy." Mike repeated.

"Well sit down." Ruth smiled. "Would you like something to drink?" She asked, fumbling with with the tea-towel in her hands.

"No thank you." They both replied in unison.

"We would like you here, too, Ruth, if you don't mind?" Kate nodded, taking a seat at the kitchen table.

"Of course." Ruth agreed taking a seat across from them.

Mandy's eyes were still wide in her head and she was sure she was wrong about the nausea staying away. Her mouth tingled and watered. She sat down before the dizziness took control of her.

"Mandy," Kate began, "I wasn't the least bit fair to you the day you came to our house. You know Mike and I see you as family no matter what and we love you." Mandy could see the tears begin to fill in Kate's eyes.

"What Kate is trying to say," Mike cut in, "is that we never got a chance to thank you for everything."

Mandy could feel the sharp intake of breath catch in her throat. She wasn't expecting a thank you. The only thing she was expecting was another battle.

"You don't need to thank me for anything." She breathed.

"Yes, we do." Mike continued. "You kept Nick so alive, so happy. He never would have survived as long as he did if it wasn't for you. You kept him alive. You kept strength in his bones and love in his heart."

Mike stopped letting his wife take over. Mandy knew that Kate had a lot to say to her, she could see it in her eye's. Her blue orb's looked sunken into the dark shadows that surrounded them. She could tell that Kate wasn't sleeping.

"He loved you, Mandy." Kate started. "It was obvious to everyone surrounding you both and you loved him. The thing is, it wasn't some teenage romance or puppy love. It was the real thing. I think he had loved you since he was five, when he met you on the first day of school." Kate laughed.

Mandy could feel the lump rise to her throat and her eye's watered.

"You stuck by him every step of the way. Not once did you even think of giving up and walking away. You laid by his side during the night just in case he needed you. You kept him laughing when he felt so ill he was sure it was his last chance. Sometimes I would just watch him and I would know in his heart he wanted to give up and then you would walk into the room and his face lit up and it was like all of his pain disappeared. And there was so many times when I heard him asking you to leave. But you wouldn't. You never gave up on him which is why we stood by him in his decision to let you switch off the life support machine because he wanted you to be his last goodbye. You were his first and his last." Mandy let the tears stream freely down his face. "So I just want to say thank you for being there for my son. You were his everything."

"You don't need to thank me." Her voice broke twice. "I didn't do it because I had to. I did it because I wanted to. I would have done anything if it meant having him a moment longer."

And she meant it. Nick was her life. He was everything she knew. Now even thinking about him gave her butterflies. But that was all she could do, was think about. Nick was the memory engraved so deep in her heart it would never be taken out.

"We know, sweetie. But I am thankful for you because we weren't always as honest as we should have been to Nick. He deserved better."

Mandy gasped in shock. How could they be saying that? She had always seen them helping him in someway. He couldn't have wished for better.

"That is ridiculous." She blazed. "You two were amazing. He loved you. Don't ever think that. You did everything for him." She stuttered over her words.

"Yes, we did everything for him but we weren't always honest." Kate confessed, her whole face flushed with regret. "When you told us you were giving that baby up for adoption, we were horrified. You are carrying our grandchild, you have to see that. I could never understand how someone could do that to their baby."

"Hold on a minute." Ruth interrupted, obviously trying to defend her daughter but she was cut off.

"Let me finish." Kate almost begged. Ruth nodded in agreement, locking her fingers together on the table.

"I love both of my children which is why I never understood why someone could give a child up for adoption." Mandy watched her inhale deeply and swallow loudly. "But if it wasn't for adoption, we wouldn't have achieved the happiness we have."

Mandy's eye's narrowed as she stared at the parents of the man she loved. They were staring straight back at her as if they were expecting some sort of reaction.

"What are you talking about?" Slowly grasping the words floating in the air.

"Nick was adopted, Mandy." Mike's words flowed quickly from his mouth.

"Oh my God." She cried out, feeling the air hit her dry mouth. "He didn't know did he?"

"No." They both answered.

"But what about Naomi, they look so alike?"

"Coincidence, maybe I don't know."

"Why didn't you tell him?" Mandy felt like she was auto mode. Her questions were not even registering in her mind as they escaped her lips.

"We couldn't. To us he was our child. We didn't treat him any different and he was already occupied with getting better." Kate spoke.

Mandy couldn't even open her mouth to say something.

"Which is a reason why we are here." Kate continued, feeling the impact of the awkward silence in the kitchen. "We have been through all of this before. We know what to expect."

"And?" Mandy prompted, sounding out of breath. She felt like her eye's were swirling in her head. Her weak limbs slumped slightly in the wooden chair. She could feel the beads of sweat rolling over her collar bone.

"We want to adopt our grandchild."

Then suddenly everything went black.