Losing Love

Thankfully, the dinner seemed to go smoothly. Luckily for Suzie she was studying for a degree in science. Ruth seemed happy enough with that.

After dinner Mandy convinced Matt to take Suzie for a stroll in Saint Peter's park. Not that he took much persuading, the look of relief to get away from his mother made Mandy feel sorry for him.

Besides, she needed some time alone before he sat her down for their one to one chats. She had to begin filling out adoption papers which she had picked up from the social welfare office during the week. It was more like a book of questions. It took up the whole space on her desk. She wasn't allowed to sign anything legally until six weeks after the baby was born, just in case she changed her mind.

She was told that she would have to sit down with a councilor and other people from the social welfare after the birth to make sure she was positive about the adoption.

But she thought it was best to get a start on the questions that needed to be filled out now. The basics like her name and address. The other questions would have to wait, they were more like mini essays and she was not in the mood for it. Her head ached with the thought of it.

With that, she heard a light tap on the door.

"Come in!" She said, putting all the sheets together.

"Hey flower." It was her father. He always called her that. She couldn't remember but he told her she had an obsession with flowers when she was little and the name stuck with him.

"Hey Dad." She smiled, turning around.

"What you up to?" He asked, sitting at the edge of her bed.

She sighed deeply. She hated bringing up this subject because she knew no matter how supportive he was of her, he did not agree with what she was doing. He never said it to her, but she just knew.

"Adoption papers." She whispered, turning to look at him.

"Oh." He nodded. "Do you have to fill out all of that?" He asked, pointing to the pile of sheets in front of her.

"Yeah." She breathed. "Looks like fun doesn't it?" She joked. "I am not going to fill it all out now. I'm too tired. But basically they just ask are you sure about what you are doing in a hundred different ways." She smiled.

"Are you sure about what you are doing?" He questioned.

"I am now. I wasn't so sure at the beginning. I wasn't sure if I just made up my mind because I was mad or upset. But I have had time to think about it and it is the best way."

"You do know that you will not be able to see that baby again after the adoption, right?" She already knew this, but every time she thought of it she couldn't stop the lump forming in her throat. She swallowed hard before it began to choke her.

"I never said any of this was going to be easy, Dad, I understand that. But I want to give this baby the best life possible and that is what I am doing. I am going back to school on Monday because I want to go to college next year. I want to do something with myself, Dad and I can't if I have to move away to go to college with a baby. It doesn't work like that." She nodded, feeling the tears brim in her eye's. She wiped them away before they could fall.

"I know, flower. I just want to know that you know how big this decision is. I never doubted you because you are a very independent girl, so I trust your judgment." He smiled.

"Thanks Dad." She said, leaning over to hug him.

"Dinner went well." She commented doing her best to change the subject, turning around to put the papers back into the large brown envelope.

"It did." He agreed sounding as surprised as Mandy. "Your mother didn't throw any hissy fits so that is a good sign." He chuckled.

"Yeah, and it looks like Matt really likes Suzie." She smiled, remembering the way her brother looked at Suzie. It was like nothing else mattered to him and all too familiar to Mandy.

"Maybe that boy might calm down a little bit now." James' eyes narrowed.

Matt had always been the wildest between Mandy and he. Her father's stress levels would often hit the roof with him. Mandy's parents always worried about him, even now at twenty-one, they would get worked up over him. Mandy never understood it, he was well capable of taking care of himself, he always was but only Mandy could see that part. Their parents, well her mother, still treated him like a little boy and Mandy could see he hated it.

"He's not that bad, Dad. He is just being Matt. That is just the way he is. He wouldn't be Matt if he wasn't. Besides, he is loved for who he is. Nobody wants him to change." She pointed out.

"I suppose that is true. You always see the good in everyone, Mandy. It's a good trait but it might ruin you someday." Her father chuckled. "Too forgiving." He breathed. "Well one thing is for sure, you don't get that from your mother."

He was right, she didn't. Her mother was the best for holding grudges. She kept things in her head until you did something wrong to her and then she would explode and throw everything up in your face.

Mandy was more like her father when it came to things like that. She was a lot more laid back.

"I better go down stairs, let you alone." James smiled.

"Oh Dad." Mandy called before he left. "Sorry about leaving you down the other night."

"What?" He questioned. He didn't understand her.

"Work." She answered. "If you need me any other time just let me know."

"Don't be stupid. You couldn't help it. It's not like you planned to faint. Besides, I got someone else to fill in. You just take it handy. Your mother was right, the last thing you need right now it to be working in a hot sticky place like the restaurant."

"Thanks Dad." She said before he left.

She sat at her table, looking straight at her reflection in the mirror. A reflection that sometimes frightened her. Her forehead wrinkled into lines due to the worry. She took a deep breath to relax herself and they seemed to disappear, leaving only a faint red marks in its place. Her face had gotten thinner in the past couple of months. Her high cheekbones were more prominent, making her dark green eye's stand out even more than before, with her dark eyelashes feathering the skin just under her eyebrows. Her hair looked messed, swept over to the side vain due to her constant habit of running her fingers through her hair to get it out of her face.

In that reflection she could see only fragments of the way she used to be. It was like the old her was still there but was being burned out. And she hated it. She wanted her back but she was long gone.

Maybe it was time for her to move on, to embrace the new person she was, to survive through her given fate and not fight against it. She needed to get to know the new her, she needed to get on with it because she would never be able to move on if she dwelt on the bad things. And she knew that too. She didn't want to get stuck in the past until it became too late for her to get out of the dark hole she had dug herself while waiting to be rescued.

The only person who could rescue her was herself. And slowly, she was beginning to believe she could really do it.

She looked down towards her belly, her red t-shirt hiding the tiny bump. It was so small only she was recognizing it. Her mother told her that some people were like that and that she would practically explode coming towards the end of her pregnancy.

There was something in there. A real person was living inside of her. And it depended its whole life on her.

It was then she realized that she was going to be able to do this. She had no other choice but to get on with it. She wanted to give a couple a healthy baby. And recently she had not been feeling healthy herself, not that she really tried but if she didn't feel healthy it would be impossible for the baby to become healthy.

She stood up and walked to the other side of the room where a calender was hanging on the wall. It was a calender she had bought in aid of Cystic Fibrosis. It contained three of the following years with a separate theme for each year. The calender was still in September of that year.

The month Nick had died.

He died September twenty-ninth. It was now November the second.

She had missed a month of school, but Her friends had promised to help her out and she was a quick learner.

She removed the calender for the wall and flipped it to Saturday, May fifth of the following year.

The day the baby was born.

She took her pen in her hand and marked the date.

"Baby arrives." She breathed, scribbling it down on the paper. Something to live for, she thought to herself.

She had five months to go.

Five months to move on.

Five months to accept who has become.

And five months to make sure she enjoyed every moment of it.