Losing Love

Mandy went on to pass her end of school exams with flying colours. She also had received a letter from Liberty University a week before, stating that she had a place in the course she applied for – History and archaeology. She always was a bit of a History nerd and she wanted to continue that as her career.

“Oh my God. I never thought I would see the day.” Ruth came rushing down the stairs towards her. She was dressed up in her beige suit and high heels. Her rouge lipstick was placed perfectly on her small lips. “My little girl is graduating. I am so proud of you.” Mandy watched as the tears began to well up in her mother’s eyes as she hugged her close.

“Stop blubbering Mom.” Mandy brushed her away. “If you are like this when I am graduating from school, I’d hate to see you when I am leaving for college next month.” She laughed, just imaging her mother in floods of tears at the door. That woman was always too soft for her own good.

“Well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I am not thinking about you leaving until it is necessary.” Ruth sniffed, wiping away the tears that were falling.

“Lighten up Mom. Don’t take things so seriously.”

“You all set little sis?” Matt came strolling out of the kitchen, a donut placed firmly back his throat.

“Will you ever chew with your mouth closed?” Ruth grunted in distaste as she stormed back up the stairs.

Matt just rolled his eyes’ and took another big bite of the sugary donut. As if his mouth wasn’t full enough.

“Chew that before you swallow. I don’t want you choking on me.” Mandy laughed, taking a seat on the stairs. She was ready to go, dressed neatly in her graduation gown. She hated those things. They were too damn hot.

They were waiting for her father, James. It always baffled Mandy, that as a man, how it took him so long to get dressed He said it was because Ruth took over the bathroom for so long that he has to wait until the last minute to get dressed.

Mandy wasn’t buying any of it. He spent longer in the bathroom than she did. And it was her graduation day.

“So you ready to graduate?” Matt questioned, hitting his shoulder off of her playfully, trying his best to calm her down. But it was no use, she was too tense and nervous.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” She smiled.

Mandy’s sparkle was gone again. Ever since the baby left, it was like it took that famous sparkle with her.

Mandy didn’t feel like she did before. She still felt numb. But it was a painful numb, one you get from holding show in your hand for too long. Nobody ever told her it would be this hard. She couldn’t cry and she couldn’t laugh. When she did laugh, it was empty. There was no true meaning behind it. She laughed along with everyone else so they wouldn’t know ho bad she was hurting.

It was no use.

Mandy knew how bad it was. How painful it was not to feel anything at all.

“You’re going to be just fine.” Matt took her hand encouragingly and gripped it tightly. “You’re strong. You can do it.”

She tried her best to stretch a smile across her lips. “Thanks Matt.”

“You know, you don’t have to pretend that you are ok. You are allowed to show that you are hurting. No one expects you to be happy and cheery. You have been through a lot, so stop trying to spare everyone else’s feelings.”

Mandy should have known he would have noticed how she was really feeling. She could never hide anything from him, no matter how hard she tried. Her parents seemed to believe her charade. They were happy once she was smiling and acting as normal as she knew how. She played on that as best she could.

But could they really not see it? Could they not see the pain she was carrying? Could they not see that she wasn’t Mandy anymore? The old Mandy was definitely gone this time and no matter how hard she fought to get her back, she always lost the battle.

She gave her little girl away. Nothing could make her forgive herself for that, even if she did do the right thing.

Every night she thought of Ellie’s face. She dreamed about every time she went to sleep. Ellie’s big blue eyes replayed over and over again in her mind, not considering for one minute that those images were killing her.

“It gets easier.” The doctor told her.

The doctor lied.

It wasn’t getting easier. It just continued to build up inside her until there was no way out. Mandy wouldn’t talk about it to anyone. Not even to Matt. She preferred to keep it to herself.

If she was really being honest with herself, she was scared of people saying I told you so. And she wouldn’t blame them.

“Ready Flower?” Her father tipped her on the shoulder, making her jump out of her self rant.

“I’m ready when you are.” She smiled once again, standing up to let him pass.

“Men.” Her mother grunted, soon following close behind. Mandy just looked at Matt and laughed.

As they all climbed into the car, the feeling that Mandy should of been having, the nerves, the thumping heart, and the excitement, was replaced by something much harder to deal with. Nick was meant to be graduating with her and he wasn’t.

Nick not getting a chance to see his graduation day was always something they had prepared for. But now that it was here, it was a lot harder to digest.

Ten minutes later, they arrived at the school. Her parents were annoyingly enthusiastic and the damn robe was getting too hot again. It was the middle of summer and they were expected to wear heavy black robes. She would have preferred to take it off. Underneath, she wore a very simple, knee length, loose royal blue dress. The thick lace straps covered her shoulders and fell into a round neckline.

“Mandy.” She heard her name being called as she approached the school building, were Congratulations Graduates was pinned over the door. Balloons and banners decorated the outside and she was sure the inside was going to ten times worse.

“Hey guys.” Mandy smiled seeing her friends waiting at the door. They were also dressed in the black robes and she could tell that they were also melting from the heat.

“I am going to die.” Sally complained, lifting her blonde hair from her robe. “Seriously, they are trying to kill us. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Stop over exaggerating, Sal.” Ben sighed, nodding his head.

“Come on! Lets get inside.” Garry walked away into the cool hallway.

Mandy was right. The place was like a circus. Banners, balloons and posters smothered the brick walls. An area on the wall was dedicated to photographs of the students and other events that the class had been involved in throughout their years at the school.

Hundreds of chairs were lined up in front of the stage with names assigned to each one.

Mandy looked over to where her parents were standing. It seemed that all of their parents were in deep conversation. She blushed and waved weakly as they turned to look at her, a flash of sympathy in their eyes’.

Matt was talking to Garry’s older sister. Surprisingly, he wasn’t flirting with her. Well, not by what Mandy could see. He was still going steady with Barbie Suzie, as she liked to call her, and he seemed to be staying pretty loyal so far.

“You ok man?” Ben addressed Garry who was gone as pale as a ghost.

“Just a bit nervous.” Garry answered

“Why are you nervous?” Mandy turned to him, her eyes' narrowing, making her nose wrinkle.

“The speech.” He reminded her.

Crap! She had totally forgotten.

“Oh I’m sorry. My brain is still in bed. Don't worry about it. You are going to be great. It’s not like you have a problem with talking.” She teased him.

“Very funny. Are you sure you are going to be ok with this?”

“Of course I will.” Garry was making a speech on behalf of Nick. In truth, she wasn’t so sure if she would survive through it. But she was going to try her hardest. “I’m glad you are doing this. You’re very brave. I wouldn’t be able to stand up there and make a speech.” She smiled at him admiringly.

“It’s nice to remember him like this. He would have been so full of himself in that robe.” Ben laughed.

Her friends continued to speak about him and while they did, she closed her eyes’, took a deep breath and imagined he was there. Standing beside, holding her hand, telling her that it was the beginning of their forever. And for the first time in awhile she actually smiled, with a true meaning behind it. Her friends were right, he would have been flaunting himself around in his robe and asking her to tell him how hot he was. He only did it to annoy her, he never meant it but it got on her nerves.

Then, she opened her eyes’ and the realization that everything was in her head, hit her. He wasn’t there. He never would be.

Mandy thought she had dealt with that already.

Obviously not.

“Could everyone take their seats.” The principle Mr. Meyers spoke over the microphone and the speakers came to life. “The ceremony will be commencing in five minutes.”

The four of them took their seats, waving to their families as the passed. Matt mouthed “Good luck” to her on the way.

She was going to need it.

The ceremony finally started with the usual school choir singing. The different teachers made their speeches. Some of them lied and said the class year was a pleasure to teach.

It seemed to go on and on forever until finally, Garry was called to say his speech. Mandy sat up, ignoring the sudden sea of eyes’ that were directed her way. She had made herself immune to those horrible gazes.

Mandy watched as Garry made his trembling legs take each step to the stairs and behind the microphone. He took the slip of paper from his pocket and infolded it, leaving the dented crease marks in its place.

For a long moment he looked down at Mandy and she almost felt as nervous as he did. His gaze was so strong she wanted to look away but she knew what he wanted. He wanted her approval one last time before he made that speech.

Mandy smiled softly and nodded her head once, giving him all the approval he needed.

She could hear him take a deep breath, obviously mustering up whatever courage he had in him.

“Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.” He began, clearing his throat. “Today, I graduate with three of my best friends and a class I have been with for years. Today, I regard myself as lucky to be even standing here because today, we are missing one very special person from our class.

“Nick Collins was the funniest guy you could ever meet. Even the teachers couldn’t resist his charm. He was an ordinary guy that wanted an ordinary life. He had dreams just like everyone else. He had hope like everyone else. He laughed and cried like everybody else. He was the same as anybody here.”

Mandy could feel her mouth become like sandpaper and her eyes’ began to sting.

“So I am guessing that you are asking yourself what was different about him. Most of you probably already know the answer to that.

“Nick Collins was born October 3rd 1989. He was born with an illness know as Cystic Fibroses. The doctors said he wouldn’t live past sixteen so we made a pact. Mandy, Sally, Ben, Nick and I are friends since we are babies and we refused to let him go. On his seventh birthday we put all our dearest treasures into a box and said we would open it together on his nineteenth birthday.”

Mandy took a look around to see people she didn’t even know with tears in their eyes’. But then again, Nick’s story would make anyone shed a tear..... Or two.

“Sadly, Nick didn’t get to see his nineteenth birthday.”

Mandy could hear the sobs of people around her and she wiped away her own moisture from her cheeks.

“He died three weeks before he got to reopen that box. And at the time, it was so devastating that he didn’t get to do that but looking back now I feel so proud of him. He fought three years longer that anyone expected. He proved everyone wrong, including the doctors.

“And yes, we,” he nodded towards Mandy, Sally and Ben, “we probably did play a big part in keeping him alive and keeping him laughing. But I think there is one person in particular that I would like to thank. Like I said, Nick was like everyone else. So he loved like everyone else.”

Mandy could feel her heart beat fast against her chest.

“Mandy Parker has been one of my best friends for years but her and Nick had a bond no one could ever break. So once they got passed the stupid giggling and pretending they didn’t like each other,”

The whole hall laughed along with him.

“They fell in love. And I have never seen so much dedication in one person as I have in Mandy. He loved her so much it was almost impossible to shut him up about her.”

Mandy looked up at him stuck out her tongue.

“But Nick would have wanted us to be happy today. He wouldn’t have wanted us to be sad because he wasn’t here and think about all the things he could have done if he was alive. He would have wanted us to celebrate everything he did when he was alive.

“So I am going to dedicate this to something Nick always looked forward to but only saw a fraction of. I want to dedicate today to the future. And make a promise that I will live life to the fullest, because I know not everyone gets to do that. To the future.” Garry smiled, ending his heart felt speech.

Mandy couldn’t the endless tears from falling as everyone stood up and clapped repeating Garry’s words. “To the future.”

Garry was right, now as she thought about it, she was very proud of Nick. He had beaten the odds.

When everyone dried their eyes’ the ceremony continued with each of their names being called. Mandy saw it as unnecessary and embarrassing. Her mother made a disgrace of her by standing up and screaming at the top of her lungs like a mad person when her name was called.

Everyone just laughed; they were probably used to Ruth acting like that at school events Mandy was involved in.

The ceremony soon came to a close with everyone throwing their caps in the air. For a moment Mandy felt like her mother in the sense that she never thought this day would come. But here it was and she was moving away in a month. She was moving away from her friends and family. At least she would have Matt with her and Garry was also going to Liberty University. But Sally and Ben were going in opposite directions and she couldn’t bare to think about it.

After their parents had taken hundreds and hundreds of photos and Mandy almost had lock jaw, she decided it was time to congratulate Garry.

“The speech was beautiful.” She whispered as she hugged him tightly. “He would have been so proud of it and pretty pleased with himself. He loved people talking about him.” They both laughed.

“Oh definitely. You are coming to the graduation party tonight, right?”

“I might. But for now, I am taking off this stupid robe.” Mandy said, pulling at the garment, revealing the royal blue dress that hugged her curves underneath.

She blushed as Ben and Garry whistled like wolves.

“Shut up!” She barked.

“Someone looks hot.” Ben hollered.

“Seriously Ben, shut up!”

“Come on, Sweetie, lets get something to eat.” Sally threw her arm around Mandy’s shoulder and darted a look towards the boys.

The four of them just laughed and left the hall.

Starting what Garry called their future.

Still, it broke Mandy’s heart because she was missing two people in her future.