Losing Love
Let Go!
"Please Mandy, love, sit down." Kate pleaded. Mandy had been pacing back and forth outside the operating theater for the past two hours.
"What the hell is taking them so long?" She cried as she positioned herself into the hard metal chair. She was still trembling from the fright she had got from watching Nick seize. It was something she prayed she would never have to watch again with anyone. The images of his shaking body flooded through her mind causing a violent headache to bang at her temples. Just then she saw Doctor Richardson approach them. She was hoping she was imagining the sorrowful look on his face. She stood up along side his parents.
"Miss, Parker, Mr and Mrs Collins, please sit down." Mandy's face drained of whatever colour she had. They all sat down and stared at the doctor. "We operated and closed bleed." He said, but Mandy knew their was more to come. She could see it in his eye's that whatever he was about to say next was going to shatter her to pieces without a care.
"But...." She added, pleading with him to continue. In a way she did not want him to say anything, but it was better for her if it was over and done with.
"Nick's heart failed during the proceeder. We got his heart beating but by the time we did it was too late, they lack of oxygen to his brain caused him-" Mandy didn't give him a chance to continue, she knew what that meant, she was the best in her biology class.
"Are you trying to tell me that my boyfriend is brain dead?" She demanded biting down on her lip.
"I'm sorry, we did everything we could." He apologized, lowering his head to ground. She had expected the words but that did not mean she was prepared for them.
"Everything you could?" Kate began to shout in her state of hysteria. "If you had done everything you could my boy would be alive. He would be with us." Her sobs caught in her breath and her husband took her in his embrace and cradled her. Mandy just sat in silence with her head to the floor. She couldn't even cry, the state of shock was too over powering for her.
"Mandy," The doctor started, "you should know that just last week we had Nick sign some papers." He inhaled deeply before continueing, as if he was in fear of talking. "And he signed that if this should happen, which it has, that it be your choice to turn off the life support machine." Mandy stared at him with wide eye's, tears of shock trailed down her face.
"My choice?" She was still in a state of disbelief. She rubbed her forehead, "What is he trying to do to me? Why my choice? I can't, I just-" She held her head in her hands and felt the tears fall on to her lap.
"It is ok sweetheart," Kate took her hand, "you can do it." Mandy turned her head to stare at his mother. How was she suppose to turn off everything that was keeping him alive?
"Did you know about this?" She asked. She couldn't believe his mother would allow him to do something like this.
"Yes, we knew but it was his decision and we had to respect that." She saw the doctor search inside his pocket's.
"He knew this was going to be hard for you, so he wrote you a letter and gave it to me. He made me promise not to give it to you until something like this happened." Mandy gasped with the pain she felt tugging at her from just above her ribcage. "He knew the chances of him being on a life support machine were big." He handed her the brown envelope and she accepted it with shaky hands. She watched as her tears soaked into it.
"I'll open it later." She whispered. She couldn't handle reading it.
"Ok, honey, take your time." Nick's father, Mike, patted her on the back.
"Can we see him?" Kate asked.
"Yes, he is on the second floor. Come with me." His parents stood up and followed the doctor but Mandy remained seated, she wanted to give them time alone with him. They stopped, noticing she was not following. His mother turned on her heals.
"Mandy? Darling, are you coming?"
"You go ahead, I will be there in a bit." She said as her voice broke. Endless tears streaming down her face. Kate just smiled at her gratefully as she disappeared around the corner of the white corridor.
She knew she had a big decision to make, a decision that had only one option. She walked outside and was greeted by a bitter cold breeze. The light mist of rain felt refreshing on her face. She inhaled deeply as she held the envelope. She decided she wanted to see him before she opened it.
********
It was harder than she had thought. She expected him to look normal, but he didn't. Instead he was extremely pale, dark blue circles hovered over his eye's. There was tubes hanging from him. She sat there watching as his chest moved slowly up and down. Every now and again she could hear the huskiness of his throat scrape through the air like a chisel to ice. Sitting there for the past four hours she had come to terms that it was not him breathing, it was the machine. Tears stung her eye's and threatened to spill over but she wiped them away before they had a chance. She could hear Nick's parents talk to hers outside. Her parent's had arrived as soon as they found out. She was guessing Matt had called them.
She hadn't let go of her grip of Nick's hand since she came in to see him. The decision she had to make kept on swaying her to the side of keeping him there with her, but she knew he wasn't there any more. The person she was looking at wasn't him. It looked him but he wasn't there. He was just an empty shell of who he used to be.
She slipped her hand into her pocket and took out the brown envelope. "Time to face it, Mandy." She muttered to herself. The nurse was fixing his tubes but when she saw Mandy open the letter she left the room. Mandy slipped her finger under the seal and slid her finger across it. Her hands were trembling as she unfolded the letter, the tears that threatened to spill over crept down her face as she saw his hand-writing.
To Mandy,
If you are reading this, it means one thing - a machine is keeping me alive. I am sorry I did this to you, but I wanted you to know that it is ok to let me go. I want you to move on and find a life without me. Mandy Parker I have never loved anyone the way I have loved you. I survived this long because of you.
You are beautiful and you are going to find someone who is going to make you really happy and when he does he will be the luckiest guy in the world. You are going to have lots of kids and when they make a friendship like we did tell them keep it. You are the one I love with all my heart, you are my best friend. I am sorry I never got to stand at the top of the aisle and watch you walk towards me. There would have been nothing in comparison. But just remember I will be there when you do. I will be watching with the biggest smile on my face seeing the biggest most beautiful green eye's ever, shine with happiness. The happiness that you so rightfully deserve.
Don't hesitate in turning off the machine Mand. I'm not there any more, it isn't me. We knew this day was going to come.
Let me go, sweetheart. Let me go!
I love you Mandy, always have always will.
Nick.
P.S. Our golden treasures box is still buried underneath the tree in my back garden.
Her sobs were coming faster and faster. She gasped at the last part of his letter. They had wrapped a box in gold foil and put all their favorite things into it with the rest of their friends when they were seven and they had promised to open it on the night of Nick's nineteenth birthday. They had picked nineteen because the doctor told his family that he would be lucky to live past sixteen and when he had overheard it he told Mandy and his friends and they refused to accept it. They had made a bet that he would live until he was nineteen, which to them at the time felt like hundreds of years away. She had totally forgot about it and fresh tears spilled over as she remembered, Nick was nineteen in three weeks time.
Mandy raised her head to look at him and swallowed hard to get rid of the lump that was threatening to choke her. He wanted her to do this, he needed her to. She knew she had to be brave. She saw both her family and his family from the corner of her eye. She could hear them crying as they watched her through the window. She stared at them for a moment, her eye's swimming with tears, then she just simply nodded, that told them enough. She heard them walk into the room but she refused to look at them.
Then, she stood up and leaned over to kiss his forehead. He was warm. "Love you." She whispered. Then she crawled into his arms and rested her head on his chest. She could hear his heart beat. She stayed like that for about five minutes until she finally built up enough courage to reach her hand over his head to the machine beside him. Her finger hovered over the button as her vision became blurred with tears. She closed her eye's letting them fall and inhaled deeply. Then, she pressed it. His chest stopped moving up and down and the machine went silent. Everything that told her he was alive - was gone.
"What the hell is taking them so long?" She cried as she positioned herself into the hard metal chair. She was still trembling from the fright she had got from watching Nick seize. It was something she prayed she would never have to watch again with anyone. The images of his shaking body flooded through her mind causing a violent headache to bang at her temples. Just then she saw Doctor Richardson approach them. She was hoping she was imagining the sorrowful look on his face. She stood up along side his parents.
"Miss, Parker, Mr and Mrs Collins, please sit down." Mandy's face drained of whatever colour she had. They all sat down and stared at the doctor. "We operated and closed bleed." He said, but Mandy knew their was more to come. She could see it in his eye's that whatever he was about to say next was going to shatter her to pieces without a care.
"But...." She added, pleading with him to continue. In a way she did not want him to say anything, but it was better for her if it was over and done with.
"Nick's heart failed during the proceeder. We got his heart beating but by the time we did it was too late, they lack of oxygen to his brain caused him-" Mandy didn't give him a chance to continue, she knew what that meant, she was the best in her biology class.
"Are you trying to tell me that my boyfriend is brain dead?" She demanded biting down on her lip.
"I'm sorry, we did everything we could." He apologized, lowering his head to ground. She had expected the words but that did not mean she was prepared for them.
"Everything you could?" Kate began to shout in her state of hysteria. "If you had done everything you could my boy would be alive. He would be with us." Her sobs caught in her breath and her husband took her in his embrace and cradled her. Mandy just sat in silence with her head to the floor. She couldn't even cry, the state of shock was too over powering for her.
"Mandy," The doctor started, "you should know that just last week we had Nick sign some papers." He inhaled deeply before continueing, as if he was in fear of talking. "And he signed that if this should happen, which it has, that it be your choice to turn off the life support machine." Mandy stared at him with wide eye's, tears of shock trailed down her face.
"My choice?" She was still in a state of disbelief. She rubbed her forehead, "What is he trying to do to me? Why my choice? I can't, I just-" She held her head in her hands and felt the tears fall on to her lap.
"It is ok sweetheart," Kate took her hand, "you can do it." Mandy turned her head to stare at his mother. How was she suppose to turn off everything that was keeping him alive?
"Did you know about this?" She asked. She couldn't believe his mother would allow him to do something like this.
"Yes, we knew but it was his decision and we had to respect that." She saw the doctor search inside his pocket's.
"He knew this was going to be hard for you, so he wrote you a letter and gave it to me. He made me promise not to give it to you until something like this happened." Mandy gasped with the pain she felt tugging at her from just above her ribcage. "He knew the chances of him being on a life support machine were big." He handed her the brown envelope and she accepted it with shaky hands. She watched as her tears soaked into it.
"I'll open it later." She whispered. She couldn't handle reading it.
"Ok, honey, take your time." Nick's father, Mike, patted her on the back.
"Can we see him?" Kate asked.
"Yes, he is on the second floor. Come with me." His parents stood up and followed the doctor but Mandy remained seated, she wanted to give them time alone with him. They stopped, noticing she was not following. His mother turned on her heals.
"Mandy? Darling, are you coming?"
"You go ahead, I will be there in a bit." She said as her voice broke. Endless tears streaming down her face. Kate just smiled at her gratefully as she disappeared around the corner of the white corridor.
She knew she had a big decision to make, a decision that had only one option. She walked outside and was greeted by a bitter cold breeze. The light mist of rain felt refreshing on her face. She inhaled deeply as she held the envelope. She decided she wanted to see him before she opened it.
********
It was harder than she had thought. She expected him to look normal, but he didn't. Instead he was extremely pale, dark blue circles hovered over his eye's. There was tubes hanging from him. She sat there watching as his chest moved slowly up and down. Every now and again she could hear the huskiness of his throat scrape through the air like a chisel to ice. Sitting there for the past four hours she had come to terms that it was not him breathing, it was the machine. Tears stung her eye's and threatened to spill over but she wiped them away before they had a chance. She could hear Nick's parents talk to hers outside. Her parent's had arrived as soon as they found out. She was guessing Matt had called them.
She hadn't let go of her grip of Nick's hand since she came in to see him. The decision she had to make kept on swaying her to the side of keeping him there with her, but she knew he wasn't there any more. The person she was looking at wasn't him. It looked him but he wasn't there. He was just an empty shell of who he used to be.
She slipped her hand into her pocket and took out the brown envelope. "Time to face it, Mandy." She muttered to herself. The nurse was fixing his tubes but when she saw Mandy open the letter she left the room. Mandy slipped her finger under the seal and slid her finger across it. Her hands were trembling as she unfolded the letter, the tears that threatened to spill over crept down her face as she saw his hand-writing.
To Mandy,
If you are reading this, it means one thing - a machine is keeping me alive. I am sorry I did this to you, but I wanted you to know that it is ok to let me go. I want you to move on and find a life without me. Mandy Parker I have never loved anyone the way I have loved you. I survived this long because of you.
You are beautiful and you are going to find someone who is going to make you really happy and when he does he will be the luckiest guy in the world. You are going to have lots of kids and when they make a friendship like we did tell them keep it. You are the one I love with all my heart, you are my best friend. I am sorry I never got to stand at the top of the aisle and watch you walk towards me. There would have been nothing in comparison. But just remember I will be there when you do. I will be watching with the biggest smile on my face seeing the biggest most beautiful green eye's ever, shine with happiness. The happiness that you so rightfully deserve.
Don't hesitate in turning off the machine Mand. I'm not there any more, it isn't me. We knew this day was going to come.
Let me go, sweetheart. Let me go!
I love you Mandy, always have always will.
Nick.
P.S. Our golden treasures box is still buried underneath the tree in my back garden.
Her sobs were coming faster and faster. She gasped at the last part of his letter. They had wrapped a box in gold foil and put all their favorite things into it with the rest of their friends when they were seven and they had promised to open it on the night of Nick's nineteenth birthday. They had picked nineteen because the doctor told his family that he would be lucky to live past sixteen and when he had overheard it he told Mandy and his friends and they refused to accept it. They had made a bet that he would live until he was nineteen, which to them at the time felt like hundreds of years away. She had totally forgot about it and fresh tears spilled over as she remembered, Nick was nineteen in three weeks time.
Mandy raised her head to look at him and swallowed hard to get rid of the lump that was threatening to choke her. He wanted her to do this, he needed her to. She knew she had to be brave. She saw both her family and his family from the corner of her eye. She could hear them crying as they watched her through the window. She stared at them for a moment, her eye's swimming with tears, then she just simply nodded, that told them enough. She heard them walk into the room but she refused to look at them.
Then, she stood up and leaned over to kiss his forehead. He was warm. "Love you." She whispered. Then she crawled into his arms and rested her head on his chest. She could hear his heart beat. She stayed like that for about five minutes until she finally built up enough courage to reach her hand over his head to the machine beside him. Her finger hovered over the button as her vision became blurred with tears. She closed her eye's letting them fall and inhaled deeply. Then, she pressed it. His chest stopped moving up and down and the machine went silent. Everything that told her he was alive - was gone.