Losing Love

"Hey you," Mandy squealed as two hands gripped tightly around her ribcage, poking deeply into the flesh as she made her way into the museum after parking her car at the rear of the building.

"Hey," she moaned, nudging Josh with her elbow. "You are going to have to stop doing that. I am starting to bruise.... Badly." She added glancing at him.

But that one glance made her whole head turn as her eyes roamed over his body. Boy, was she glad she had large dark shades covering her eyes from the belting sun right then because they had widened so much she was surprised her eyeballs had not popped out. Josh was kitted out from head to toe in a grey suit. Very business-like, she thought to herself.

"Are you going somewhere important?" Mandy could tell he was waiting for her to ask. She removed her glasses from her eyes and placed them on top of her head before stepping inside to the cool museum. The cold air felt refreshing on her gradually tanning skin.

"The past six weeks working with you has been absolutely amazing but it is time for me to move on from the historic monuments."

"Oh no, but you can't. Casanova what will I do without you? You can't just leave me on my own. Don't get me wrong, Nancy the skeleton is a great listener but sometimes she is just short of words, you know?" She played along with him. This was something that always happened between them both, the constant joking about. And she liked it, even if she was falling into something she shouldn't have been.

"Well, I promise I won't be gone for long baby. And when I return, we will travel through Ancient Egypt and Rome, even Greece if you would like."

"Isn't that just something to look forward to but I don't think Albert would appreciate that." Yes Albert. He was rubbing off on her a little too much. Now she had gotten into the habit of naming the skeletons. Albert was fro the Middle Ages. Very handsome. If only he had flesh on those bones.

"Sneaking around can be fun," Josh chuckled making her already flushed cheeks blush a pale pink. She lowered her head to hide the embarrassment. The thought of sneaking around with Josh sent unwanted chills through her.

"Okay, people," Caroline's high pitched voice interrupted, her two long legs carried her swiftly towards them both. "I apologize but I will have to break up that little thing that you two have going, which somehow, I doubt I will ever get. But Josh, Mr. Arlington is here for the meeting. I don't know how I suddenly fell into the role of messenger girl but you better get your ass moving. Thank you for listening." She mocked.

"Meeting?" Mandy questioned, eyeing him. Not that she minded looking at him in that suit.

God what was wrong with her? She didn't need to be seeing Josh like that. He was her brother's best friend and she didn't want him to be any more to her than just a colleague. Somehow, something told her that she had already crossed that line the first day they began working together.

"Oh my dad is away for a few days so I am taking over here with his meetings. I am studying business for a reason." He laughed. "But don't worry, I will be back to you tomorrow and you won't even know I have left."

"Somehow, I find that hard to believe. I might have some peace and quiet for a day. Just in case you have not noticed, you don't shut up." She smiled up at him.

"Hello. Josh," Caroline waved her hand in his face. "I am still standing here waiting for your ass to get a move on."

"Yes ma'am," he saluted her before giving Mandy a brief smile and heading off to his meeting.

"Oh man, he is fine in a suit," Caroline shook her head slowly as she stared after him.

"I hadn't really noticed," Mandy lied, and that was exactly what it sounded like... A lie.

"Don't give me that crap. I saw the way you were looking at him."

"You saw nothing." Mandy corrected her. "You need to go and get stronger lenses in those glasses of yours."

"My glasses are perfectly fine. It is you that needs the glasses. What is the deal between you two anyway?"

"There is no deal," Mandy answered honestly.

"But there could be if you let it. He likes you. Anybody can see that, Mandy."

"I don't want a deal made out of anything. I'm not ready for anything like that."

"Mandy, I don't mean to be blunt here but it has been almost two years since Nick's death and although I never met him, from what Garry told me, he would have wanted you to move on. He wouldn't have wanted you to be holding onto him like this. I know it must be hard to let go and you will obviously always have him with you but maybe it is time you met someone nice. Someone, who will take care of you." Caroline shrugged casually as she waited for Mandy's reaction.

"I appreciate that you are concerned Caroline but I really should be getting to work. I have a class coming in at 9:30 this morning." Mandy bit down on her bottom lip and swayed awkwardly from one foot to another. "I will talk to you later okay?"

"Okay," Caroline agreed with a satisfactory sigh.

As Mandy walked away, she could feel the lump that had formed burn her throat. Her body ached right down to her finger tips.
It was guilt.

Yes, maybe Nick would have loved for her to move on, he made that pretty clear in the notes he left her after his death but that did not stop her feeling as if she was betraying him in some way. In her heart, he was still very much alive and to think of her moving on with anybody but him sent her mind into turmoil. Besides, who would want her? Sooner or later, she would have to tell them everything and she carried a whole lot of baggage.

So it didn't make any sense to her that Josh was the first man, in so long, that made her feel like her whole body was tingling. And she was laughing again. Actually laughing.
It wasn't just those things, he made her feel again. To feel anything was so foreign to her since Nick's death. And then, she gave the only thing she had left of him away. The nightmares were the only thing that kept the memories alive. And they were nightmares because the only thing she dreamed of was the loud screams of the tiny beautiful baby she gave away as she put her arms out and willing let somebody take her. The picture of Ellie in the hospital, was one she kept with her always, but that picture was a lie, because the smile on Mandy's face was fake and nothing like what she was feeling.

She had been totally numb to any kind of emotion since that day.

And then Josh came along, and he made her laugh so hard her cheeks ached and her sides screamed out in pain. But that, "almost" conversation that popped up with Caroline made her body freeze with fear. It suddenly became real to her that other people could see that it was time for her to move on.

Of course, Mandy was never one to do as people told her but yet, it told her something she could not admit to herself.

Maybe deep inside she knew it was time to take a deep breath and make her life move forward. The only thing she had to do was face her darkest fears, and she hadn't done that yet. And as much as he made her laugh until her cheeks ached and her sides screamed out in pain, she was smart enough to know that Josh was the biggest fear she ever had.

Her classes that day dragged on. She missed him being there with her. They both bounced off of each other but today she felt lonely and bored, even if she was doing something she loved.
Ironically, her mother's words buzzed in her ear, "why do something you love if you don't have anybody to share it with?"

What if she was right? What if Mandy needed someone to share things with?

Ugh, why was she thinking this way? What made her think that Josh would want to share anything with her? She was totally insane, or so she continued to remind herself.

With that, a light tap on the door echoed around the large hall, making Mandy jump, inhaling a sharp breath. She was on edge ever since this morning and she needed to get a grip on herself.

But that wasn't going to happen any time soon. Her heart raced erratically as Josh's head poked around the door and a crocked smile formed on his soft lips. Well they looked soft to her.

Lord she needed to stop this.

Taking a deep breath, she placed the artifacts she was putting away down and turned her body around to greet him as he strolled towards her.

"Did you survive without me today?" He grinned.

"I tried," she shrugged casually. "I am still alive. That is a good sign. How did your day as the boss man go?" She joked.

"Piece of cake," he narrowed his eyes.

"Cocky much?"

He didn't answer that, he just rolled his dark chocolate orbs.

"I just came to tell you that you can head home. There are no more bookings for today."

"I'm not finished until five, I don't mind staying around."

"Seriously Mandy, take the offer before I change my mind. Take the extra hour and go do something girly. Go shopping or something. I am finishing myself now anyway."

"Okay," she trailed off hesitantly, her eyes tightening. "Have you been here the last six weeks to notice I am not exactly the most girly person you could meet? Shopping wouldn't exactly be my idea of fun. Mild torture maybe but not fun."

"Yeah I kind of guessed that about you. Meeting a girl that knows more about sports than I do can be a bit intimidating for some men."

"Do I scare you, Josh?" She asked, furrowing her eyebrows so that her long eyelashes feathered her skin. She took pleasure looking at his reaction which was more serious than she thought it would be. Maybe she hit a nerve by saying that. Surely a question like that would not have annoyed him, would it?

But the longer he stared at her the more the lingering smile on her face faded and her heart pounded.

"You have no idea how much," he finally answered.

After a long moment's silence, Mandy shook her head breaking their gaze before she got totally lost in his eyes.

"I better be off then before you change your mind."

"Okay." He simply answered, nodding his head in agreement.

Quickly, she grabbed her bag and placed it gently over her shoulder.

"See you later Josh."

"See you later Mandy," he waved before she walked out of the hall.

She thought she would never reach the car and a few yards felt like miles. She couldn't breathe in there and she needed some well deserved air. As she pulled out onto the road away from the building she pulled down the window and let the cool breeze refresh her flushed skin. Her hair was blowing everywhere but she didn't care if it blew onto her face and tangled around her back, she just needed some air because if she didn't have something to distract her the look in Josh's eyes would replay over and over again in her head until she went totally crazy.

As she drove passed the beach, the sun sitting high in the cloudless sky, she suddenly found comfort in the sound of the ocean and how the waves splashed violently, turning the water into pearl white foam. She could smell the salty water and unbeknownst to herself she began to slow down until she was parked into an empty space.

Getting out, she placed her dark glasses over her emerald green eyes and brushed her fingers through her knotted hair before locking her car. She slipped off her flat sandals and rolled her blue faded jeans up to her knee before stepping unto the golden sand. It felt good under her feet.

She sat at the back of the beach and watched how random people screamed and laughed as the ran from the waves. Others dived into the cold ocean water. Looking around, she noticed the hundreds of children playing. Some with each other, others on their own making sandcastles. They all seemed so content and alive.

For a long while she just sat there and observed everything around her but then it automatically jumped into her head, she wondered if Ellie was like the children she could see around her? Was she happy? Was she living the life that Mandy hoped she would? She was one now and every question imaginable floated around in Mandy's head. Was she walking yet? What colour hair did she have? She didn't even know what the other family had called her.

It scared Mandy that she was sitting on the beach with hundreds of children, and there was a possibility, even if it was small, there was still a possibility that her daughter could be there too.

She was being stupid again and making herself even more depressed than she was before. But the one thing that did sooth her was looking at how the sun reflected against the ocean like a foggy cloud. She knew that where ever her baby was that the sun connected her to Ellie in some way. It was almost like both of their eyes reflected against the sun like the water and she could see could see her. In some weird way, that brought her comfort.

When she finally broke her distant glare on the ocean, she glanced around to notice that people were packing up their belongings and getting ready to leave. How long had she been sitting there? By the way the sun was turning a deep orange and lowering in the sky she could only imagine it was a long time.

"Mandy?" A distant voice called but when she looked around she couldn't see anybody. Maybe it was another Mandy. But then she heard again, this time it was closer. When she looked around again, Josh was standing lower down on the beach with his hand over his eyes, staring up at her, huddled by a group of guys that were obviously with him. By the time she could react he was already making his way towards her and before she knew it he was hovering over her with a bemused look on his face.

"Have you been here since you finished work?" He questioned.

She noted that he had changed out of his heavy suit and into a cool blue t-shirt and black cropped pants. Wow, maybe she was sitting here longer than she thought.

"What time is it?" She asked, looking up at him, ignoring his previous question.

"It's 6:30," he told her, still looking at her with that god damn look on his face. If he didn't stop doing that she was going to hyperventilate. "You've been sitting here since you finished work, haven't you?"

"Yes," she breathed, lowering her head to hide the embarrassment.

"Mandy, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You have been sitting here for the past two hours, there must be something wrong?"

She looked up at him then and only for her glasses were covering her eyes he would have seen that she didn't like been pressed on a subject.

"There is nothing wrong, Josh. I am perfectly fine. Your friends are waiting for you," she nodded towards them.

"Guys," he shouted down to them. "I will catch up with you later."

"Josh, what are you doing?" She panicked. She didn't need him to be her shrink for the night.

She heard the group shout back their approval and move on before Josh sat comfortably along side her.

"There was no need for you to do that you know?"

"Yes there was. Nobody sits on the beach for two hours on their own if there if nothing bothering them."

"I do," she stated.

"What were doing for the last couple of hours?" He went on, refusing to acknowledge her previous statement.

"Thinking," she simply replied. It was easier to keep her answers short. Maybe that way he might get the hint and leave her the hell alone and realize she didn't want to talk about it.

But Josh could tell, even if there was dark glasses hiding her beautiful eyes, that she seemed like a girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders. There was a whole lot of mystery to her. She was like a puzzle that he wanted to put together but she had a guard up and he could tell that not even a bulldozer would knock it down.

He was quiet surprised to see her sitting on the beach, but not surprised to see her alone. He meant that in a good way. She seemed the type of girl who wanted space and liked time alone.

Honestly, he didn't care if she didn't want to talk, being with her was good enough for him.

"So," he finally broke the silence. "Matt tells me that your birthday is next weekend."

"Ugh don't remind me." She begged.

"Have you anything special planned?"

"No but I am sure my friends do and my brother will drag me out somewhere if I don't." She grunted loudly in disgust. She never got the whole obsession with her birthday. She was going to be twenty, so what?

"You should celebrate your birthday, Mandy and I have officially invited myself so now you have to be there because you cannot disappoint Casanova."

She could feel the edge of her mouth turn up into a soft smile as she turned her face to look at him. They both looked out onto the water then and stayed silent for a long while before Josh took a deep breath to say something again. But what flowed from his mouth was not something she expected.

"Do you miss him?"

Her head shot to him then.

"What?" She questioned, absolutely baffled.

"The guy you loved. I didn't know him but for some strange reason I see him every time I look in your eyes."

"Nick," she answered, feeling her chest ache. "Yeah, I miss him all of the time."

"Is that who you were thinking about?"

"Him and other things. He just seems to be in my head a lot lately. Not that he ever leaves it anyway."

"I can't imagine what it must be like to lose someone you love like that. How did you cope with it?"

"I didn't," she answered honestly, removing her glasses from her eyes. "Nick and I were best friends since we were children and his illness was never an issue. To me, he was my best friend and nothing else mattered. But as he got sicker, I realized that all the while when I thought the illness was never an issue, that it was me. I never dealt with it. I preferred to not think about it. So I didn't really cope, and I can't remember much from when after he died. It seemed to move along in a blur."

"I'm sorry," he murmured quietly. "It's just when I look at you, I can't imagine it being okay for such beautiful eyes to hold so much pain in them."

There it was, the leap in her chest and tingling all over her body.

"Josh..."

"Don't worry, it wasn't some cheesy chat-up line to take advantage of the vulnerable. I am just telling you the truth." He smiled.

"Good," she nodded. "Because he would haunt your ass," she joked making him chuckle loudly.

Before she could say anymore she wiped away the tears that had spilled from her eyes while she was talking about Nick.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I am an emotion train wreck. Josh you have better things to be doing than sitting here with me, and your friends are waiting for you."

"Don't be sorry for anything. My friends will forgive me because I found something better to do so I am just going to sit here with you. I can't think of anything better to do. That is, if you want me to sit here?"

She felt like screaming at the top of her lungs but instead she smiled gratefully and shook her head in agreement.

And that is exactly what they did, they sat there and he made her laugh until her cheeks ached and her sides screamed out in pain.