Losing Love

"Hey guys," Mandy's father, James greeted both her and Matt as they got out of the car.

It was good to be home again, and she had not seen her parents in so long. It was wrong of her to leave Josh the way she had. But she felt embarrassed and ashamed leaving the house that morning. What kind of girl wakes in the night screaming the name of the daughter she gave away in a strange house? He must have thought she was truly insane, especially that he did not know what she was kicking and shouting about.

She cried in his arms for a full half hour after she woke. He wouldn't let her go, and she didn't want him to. She wanted him to hold her until the pain subsided and her heart stopped aching. But Mandy had learned something in the past few years – the pain she felt in her heart, the longing for her daughter would never go away. That would always be planted in every inch of her body, mind and soul as a constant reminder of the massive mistake she had made.

She should have listened to those around her but she was too stubborn and hard-headed.

Josh had soothed her – if only for a little while, rocking her back and forth in his arms, until finally, she fell into the darkness of her sleep.

When she woke, her face was sticky for the tears had dried to her skin, her head pounded, and her mouth felt like sand paper. She didn't even look in the mirror for fear of her appearance. She guessed it wasn't a pretty sight. But that was only half the problem, when she turned her head, Josh was there, panned out across the bed in what looked like a heavenly sleep. She gave herself a moment to look at him and in her mind thank him for what he had done. Her heart was opening to him, but after the way she acted she would not have been surprised if he never wanted to see her again.

Cursing the one too many Vodka's she drank the night before, she slipped her legs from under the bed sheets and onto the cold wooden floor. She stumbled a few times as she tip-toed around. She didn't want to wake him, he looked so peaceful.

No, truthfully, she was a coward and preferred to sneak out of there unnoticed. She would leave a short note for him, thanking him for what she had done, and telling him that she was leaving for a week to visit her parents.

She wasn't lying, she really was going to visit her parents.

But had she forgotten that she was Mandy Parker? Nothing ever went according to plan for her.

"Mandy?" a tired voice crackled from behind her. She made it a priority to curse herself in several different ways. She inhaled deeply, and hoped to whomever was out there that she didn't look like she just got caught in a hurricane.

She turned, painting a half smile on her face. "I didn't want to wake you."

"Bull, you were sneaking out."

Well there it was, she was caught. She doubted he was used to girls sneaking out on him. Most, probably would have stayed just to look at him.

"Got me!" Her guilty smile gave her away. "I told Matt I would meet him for breakfast."

Slowly, he rose his head from the pillow; and oh what a beautiful head it was, and fumbled around for his phone, where there, he would check the time.

"Mandy its 8:00am. Matt is snoring to the world."

Was it really only that time? That is why she was wobbling around the place, she was probably still drunk.

Shame on you Mandy!

"Come back here and lie your ass down," he demanded, a sexy morning grin plastered on his face.

She really wasn't in the mood to argue so she did as she was told.

"Sorry about last night," she apologized, turning her body to face him. "I don't know what came over me."

"Please don't apologize, Mandy. Everyone has horrible dreams."

More like a nightmare, she thought to herself. Mandy could not get the image of the little girl out of her head. She was just so perfect. Mandy didn't know what to do any more, everything was so confusing.

They laid there together for the rest of the morning, snuggling, talking and kissing. They even had breakfast together because Josh was right, Matt wasn't even answering his phone. She was relieved that he didn't think she was a total psychopath, and he actually wanted to take her out on a date when she got back.

Was he mad? Had he any idea what he was getting himself into? She was an emotional wreck and wanted a daughter she couldn't have. She really did like him but she knew if they ever did get anywhere near serious – which was unlikely – that she would have to tell him things that she truly wanted to keep to herself. After she told him he would probably run miles anyway, and not hesitate in looking back.

But now, it was too early to think of that. Right now, she was home again, and she intended to saviour every moment.

"Hey Dad," she grinned, placing her arms around her fathers round shape. "Mom is feeding you enough, I see."

"You know what they say, buttercup, a way to a man's heart is through his belly."

"Here, here," she agreed, "I have never heard a truer word. Where is Mom?"

He sighed, almost disappointed, "Mandy, I thought you already got this into your head. She is where a woman should always be – in the kitchen."

She felt like slapping him, and she did but only across the arm. "That is disgusting Dad, you should be ashamed. I'll have to disown you if you keep it up."

He only chuckled, as did Matt, amused at her reaction.

Ugh, men!

She threw her eyes and proceeded towards the house, hauling her bag over her shoulder.

"Mom," she called, stepping inside, but when her mother poked her head around from the kitchen she merely smiled at Mandy and practically ran into Matt's arms.

"Golden balls," Mandy joked. "I am an unwanted child."

"Mandy darling," her mother quickly embraced her. "Do I really have to tell you again?"

Mandy knew what was coming; the most loving thing any mother could ever tell a child.

"You were also a mistake," Ruth laughed.

"This is such a lovely welcome home."

"Oh you know I am joking with you." Ruth kissed her cheek and led them all into the kitchen.

"Yeah?" Mandy eyed her, "Sometimes I wonder."

"So how is everything going on down in Lakeside?" James prompted them for information.

Mandy inhaled deeply. "Let golden balls tell you, he is more interesting than I am."

"I am? I don't think so. I'm not the one falling in love."

There was dead silence. Did he really just say that? She was going to rip his head off.

Slowly, she turned her head towards her mother; she was shocked, but a small smile graced her thin slips.

"Falling in love?"she asked, her voice deceiving her. She only whispered in fear that if she asked too loud it would not be true.

"I am not falling in love," Mandy demanded, shooting a sharp glare towards her giggling brother. Look at him laughing, she thought, I'll wipe that smile straight off his face with my fist if he keeps in up. Stupid jock.

"Before any of you open your mouth to ask questions – don't!" That was specifically aimed at her mother who she could see starting to shake with excitement, and she would have no problem in rambling out a million questions once she started. "Nothing is going on. I am not falling in love, I am merely tripping."

Her mother actually squealed. "Oh for the love of God woman, grow up!"

"Can't a mother get excited for her daughter?"

"No, not if she was unwanted," Mandy fought back, suppressing the giggle bubbling in her throat.

Ruth threw her hazel eyes up obviously disappointed by her daughter's lack of information on the subject. Her mother was always a gossip, and Mandy's reluctance to share her news would pick at her brain.

Ruth was glaring at her now. She felt uncomfortable with her mothers eyes penetrating so deep into her soul. Those eyes could see through brick walls.

"Mom," Mandy removed her gaze from her mother's. "Dinner is burning." It was all she had, and she thanked the lord that it worked. Her mother flew into a busy frenzy, lifting pot covers and opening ovens.

There wasn't anything burning, of course. Mandy just wanted her to stop staring. It was making her itch with nerves.

During the time her mother was rattling due to burning food, she managed to escape the kitchen and get herself up stairs into the silence of her unchanged bedroom. Everything was the same as she had left it when she last came to visit, and that was the way she wanted it. It brought some normality into her insane life.

As she lay, resting on her bed, her mind began to wander. She didn't really ponder on anything specific, but Josh wouldn't leave her eyes. He was there when she shut them and he was there when she opened them. He had hit a place she thought she had forever closed off. It was a foreign feeling to her; it was almost like she could physically feel herself opening up to him, and of course she worried about getting hurt and everything going wrong. But how could she ruin the amazing feeling her heart was bursting with?.

Before she knew it her eyes were closing, tiredness was dragging them down, but when she dozed all she saw was her reoccurring nightmare of her daughter's face running towards her. She shook with fear, excitement and anger that no matter what she did she could not get close to her.

She woke with a start to the sound of her name being called. She could feel the cold sweet slide down her body, her face was flushed with heat, and her hands trembled uncontrollably.

Taking a deep breath to calm her racing heartbeat, she stood up and the blood that rushed through her veins felt like acid.

"Mandy, love, are you OK? You look a bit flushed," her mother worried.

"I seemed to have dozed off is all, Mom."

Her mother nodded, content with her answer. "Sit down! It's time for your dinner."

For the next half hour, Mandy sat with her family, eating a beautiful meal that was prepared by her mother. It was good to be back with them, to laugh with them, to bicker with them, and all round just to be there and feel their love.

"I heard Sally is doing well in college," Ruth started. "Apparently she received her work placement in the local social care office."

"Yeah, she is going well for herself," Mandy agreed, proudly smiling. "She has always loved working with children."

Mandy watched her mother swallow hard as if she were hesitant whether or not to talk. "She told me-" Ruth stuttered, "-that she is in the adoption department. That is where she would like to specialize."

Mandy took a deep breath. That, her friend did not tell her, she merely mentioned the success of her job placement for college.

On the outside, Mandy quickly composed herself, planting a grin on her face as if she did not care, but on the inside her mind was going wild – not with anger, but with a sudden hope that had burst through her. She wanted to jump up and scream. But this idea was impossible wasn't it? She had no right to even think of it.

But the dream? She was having that dream for a reason.

"Thanks for dinner, Mom."

Before any of them could say anything she had left. Outside, she paced back and forth, her stomach churning with each footstep. She was beginning to sweat now and her clammy hand trembled at her sides.

“Mandy?” Matt stepped out from the house. “What's going on? Are you OK?”

“Oh Matt, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.”

His worried eyes spoke a thousand words he never would.

“I can't stop thinking about her. Every second of everyday.”

She didn't need to tell him who

“She's your daughter, Mand. You're bound to think about her all of the time. I think about her all of the time. I think about what's she is doing. How many words she can say.”

She smiled up at him, salty tears stinging her eyes. “It's different though, Matt. I've always missed her. I've always wondered about her. But now it's like I have this urge inside me that needs to know these things. I want to stop wondering.”

His eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I have regret my decision every day. I should have never given her up, Matt.” That was the first time she had said that out loud. Now, it seemed real and confirmed the choice in her mind. “I want to find her. I know I will never get her back. If she is happy then I don't want that for her but I want to know her. I need to know her. I'm her mother.”

He didn't say anything. Instead, he took steps closer and hugged her. He embraced her tears and rocked her back and forth until she found her voice again.

“I can help you. You don't have to do this on your own.”

“Thank you. I think this time around I'm going to need your help. Just don't tell anyone.”

“My lips are sealed,” he promised. “So where do you go from here?”

She felt extremely guilty now. She had a thought in the kitchen that had put her hopes on over-drive, but right now it seem down-right stupid.

“What is it?” Matt queried, sensing her uneasiness.

“When I heard about Sally's new job, I couldn't help but get my hopes up but it's ridiculous. I couldn't ask her do that.”

“Mandy, I love Sally as a sister and if I know her as well as I think I do than I'm sure finding Ellie would be just as important to her as it is to you. She loves you. You two have been friends all your life and she loved Nick. Trust her. The worst she could say is no.”

He was right. She needed to take a chance. If she had taken a chance in the first place she wouldn't have been in this position.

With trembling hands, she dialled her friends number into her phone.

"Mandy, how the hell are you?" Sally beamed, obviously reading the caller ID on the other end.

"I'm good, Sal, how are you?"

"Sameo sameo," she breathed.

There was silence for a long moment until Mandy worked up the courage to finally ask her. "Sally, I hate asking you this." She could feel the tears brim her eyes. "But I heard about your work placement."

"I was going to tell you-"

"No, I am really happy for you," Mandy quickly cut in. Now her breath was coming fast and hard.

"Mandy was it?"

"I know I am going to be extremely selfish in asking you this, but it has been driving me crazy. And say no if you can't, or if it will put your work at jeopardy."

"Mandy spit it out, you're scaring me," Sally begged.

She didn't know if this was going to be the best of worst mistake of her life, but she needed to know. And then the words just rolled from her tongue.

"I need you to find Ellie."