Losing Love

Mandy stared into the dark whole his coffin was being lowered into. She kept on telling herself that maybe he would have woke up. If only she had given him a bit more time. Tears glistened on her sallow skin. She wasn't even listening to the mass, all she could hear was the sobs of the people around her. His mother sat in a chair next to Mandy. Her brother Matt had a supportive arm around her shoulder on her other side. And her close friends huddled behind her. A lot more people than she had expected turned up to his funeral. He had always been popular, she knew that but she just did not expect to see so many people. Most of their year in school turned up along with the teachers.

After the funeral she stayed to greet people but after that she drove home with tears still swimming in her eye's. Nothing had hit her completely yet and as she would find out that it wouldn't for a while. Her hands fumbled around in her bag as she searched for her key's. "Come on!" She muttered. "Gotcha." She pulled the key's from her bag and went inside. The house was silent, something she was trying to avoid. Silence made her think and that was not good. She needed distractions. She walked into the kitchen and turned on the radio. She turned up the volume to the highest that is would possibly go.

"You are listening to a day of non-stop love songs." The presenters voice radiated through the speaker.

"Ugh!!" She grunted. She turned on her heels and switched off the radio. "Not exactly what I was looking for." She whispered. She tilted her head to the side looking at her dog who had decided to throw himself down in the corner. He must have sensed the sadness in the house because he was usually running around and jumping on her. She grabbed one of his toys and teased him with it. "Come on, boy. Come on Pips, get up!" At this stage she was on her knees. "Help me out here Pips. You want me to become a total mess. Distract me." She had to smile, his sad eye's just stared up at her, he didn't budge. "Stupid King Charles." She muttered to herself as she got up from the floor.

A shower might help, she thought. She dragged her feet up the stairs and into her room. She undressed and slipped into the shower. She put the temperature up to the highest she could handle. She felt every muscle in her body relax as she massaged her cherry shampoo into her hair. She didn't know if the drops on her face was the water or her tears. Everything reminded her of him, even her shampoo. She only got that one because he loved it so much. She reminded herself to buy a new one. She knew he would always be in her life but from now on she was going to have to do everything in her power to avoid things that brought back too many memories of him. Obviously, she did not want to forget him and she never would, she just thought that if she could not have him she did not want anything that brought back the pain of losing him. It was beginning to suffocate her.

She rinsed her hair and dried it off with a towel. She wiped away the steam from the mirror and stared at herself. Wow, I look a mess, she thought. Her tired eye's were engraved with tiny dark circles. Her face looked red and blotchy from crying. She slipped into her pajamas and walked back into her bedroom. She was delighted to get those black clothes off of her, she hated them. Everything about them from now on would scream his funeral so she decided to throw them out. She walked down stairs and stuffed them in the bin. With that, she jumped as the phone buzzed to life. "Hello." She answered.

"Hey Mandy, why didn't you answer your phone, I was getting worried." It was her friend Sally. She just remembered then that she had forgotten to turn her phone back on after the funeral.

"Oh sorry, I must have forgotten to turn it back on." She apologized.

"You sound tired. You ok in the house on your own?"

"Sally, I always stay in the house on my own."

"I know that but not in these circumstances." She sighed. Mandy knew that, she obviously did not lose someone she loved everyday of her life, she bit her tongue before she had time to respond. She did not want to snap at her friend who was only concerned for her.

"I am fine, honestly. I was about to go to bed now anyway. I am worn out."

"Oh, ok. Well I will let you go then. If you need anything just call me, promise?"

"I promise." Mandy replied. "Before you go, are you still at Nick's."

"Yeah, why? Do you need something?"

"No, but will you just tell his mother I will call by tomorrow. I just want to get some stuff from his room."

"You sure you are ready for that, Mand?"

"No but it has to be done. It is better now, it will be easier once I get it out of the way-" She breathed. "Oh, I knew I had something else to say to you. Remember what we always said we would do for Nick's nineteenth birthday?" Sally stayed silent, Mandy guessed she was trying to think so she continued. "-Remember our golden treasures box." Sally gasped on the other end of the line.

"Oh my God. The golden treasures box. I had totally forgotten about that. Wow." She laughed.

"Yeah, I know. In the letter Nick left me he said it was still there. So I was thinking that maybe we could still open it. It is his birthday in two weeks."

"Definitely. I can't even remember what I put in it." Mandy could hear the excitement in her friend's voice. "I will say it to the guys."

"Ok, you do that. Look, Sal, I am exhausted I will talk to you tomorrow, ok?" She yawned.

"Ok, sweetie. See ya." Her friend would usually continue with see ya, see ya, wouldn't want to be ya, but today was the wrong day for it so she stopped herself before she went any further.

"Bye." Mandy put the phone back on the hook and went back upstairs. It was still bright out so she closed both the blinds and the curtains. She wasn't tired, she knew she probably wouldn't sleep but she wanted to at least try. She pulled back the covers and crawled into bed. She shivered as the coldness of the sheets met her skin.

The one thing she was most scared of was happening - the silence. She pulled the covers towards her head. The silence screamed in her ears louder than anything. Now, was the time she dreaded, the time where there was no distractions, just her thought's to keep her occupied. But she didn't want to welcome her thought's, she knew she would fall apart if she did. Her tears streamed down her face and seeped through the material of her purple pillow. "God, Nick, where are you when I need you most." She bawled.