Losing Love

"Hello Mandy. How are you?" Nick's father greeted her at the door. His smile was full of sorrow.

"I'm doing ok. Are you sure it is ok for me to be here?" She asked. She felt guilty for intruding on the family so soon after Nick's death.

"Don't be silly, you are always welcome here. Kate has just gone for a walk." Mandy knew what that meant. Kate always went for a walk when she was upset and needed to clear her mind. "She said to wait for her until she comes back. She shouldn't be too long more." He said as he guided Mandy into the hall.

"Yeah, that's fine." She smiled.

"Mandy!" She heard her name being called from behind her. She would recognize that voice anywhere. She turned and was greeted by the smiling face of Nick's little sister, Naomi.

"Hey," Mandy chimed trying to sound as cheerful as she possibly could. She stumbled back a few steps as Naomi ran into her arms. After hugging her for a moment she set her back down on her feet. For six years old she was pretty big. "How have you been?" Mandy asked removing the strand of hair from the child's face and kneeling down so that she was at the same level as Naomi.

"Better that you are here. Will you come play with me?" Mandy had to fight back the tears as she looked at her. She looked so much like Nick, she had the same blue eye's that he did, their hair was the small shade of brown. The only thing different about both of them was that Nick was a lot paler than his sister but that was due to his illness. Her small face was engraved with so much sadness. Her smile was not as big as it usually was. Mandy knew that Naomi missed her big brother, they were so close.

"Maybe some other day, sweetie. I have to go get some stuff from Nick's room. You can help me if you like?" Her face lit up with delight.

"Yes please." She smiled, clapping her hand's.

"Do you mind if I go up?" Mandy turned her head to Mike who was still standing beside her in the hall.

"Of course not, you know where to go. Oh and Kate said to tell you that she put some of your stuff into your bag you left here. She hoped you wouldn't mind. She only put away the stuff she could see, she didn't want to root. She thought you might want to look for the more personal things yourself."

"Oh yeah that is fine." She grabbed Naomi's hand and walked up the stairs.

For a reason she didn't understand her heart started beating like it was about to explode from her chest before she opened the door to his room. Maybe she expected him to be on the other side. She wanted to wake up from the reality of her nightmare and just walk in with him there. Her hand pressed against the door handle but she couldn't open it. She closed her eye's and inhaled deeply. "Mandy, why are you shaking?" Naomi's concerned voice made her open them again. She hadn't realized it but she actually was shaking. She just nodded her head in response to the question. She finally found the strength she needed to lean down on the door handle and open it. He sighed and stood still for a moment drinking in the sights around her. His room was dark. The blinds were open but the room still seemed dark to her. The heavy rain that was falling outside didn't help either. It felt different going into his room knowing he would never be there. She stepped onto the dark wooden floorboards. His wardrobe and bedside locker where the same type of wood. His bed covers and curtains were dark blue and the walls were painted a lighter shade. She closed her eye's and felt the tears stream down her face, she could still smell him. When she closed her eye's it was like he was there again, it was like he never got sick and she never had to turn off the machine. Open your eye's Mandy, you are only building yourself up for disappointment, he isn't there, he never will be, a voice in the back of her head advised her. She knew it was right but she couldn't stop the killing pain in her chest, the one that brought tears upon tears to her eye's. She feathered her finger over her lashes, she could feel the moisture from her tears. She open her eye's and wiped them away. Naomi was staring at her as she sat on her knee's on the bed. "Don't cry Mandy. Mommy says he is only gone on holidays to visit the angels." Mandy had to laugh at the child's innocence. She longed to be like her, to not have the full realization that he was never coming back. She bit down on her lip to stop it from trembling. She crossed her arms and walked towards the bed. She sat across from Naomi and crossed her legs beneath her.

"Lucky thing. I wonder what he is doing on holiday's." Mandy put her finger to her chin. She wanted Naomi to continue and she did.

"Well,-" she began "-he can't have a girlfriend on his holidays because you are his girlfriend. I bet he is at the beach with all the angels and swimming in the ocean and building sand castles and dancing and doing lots of fun stuff. Wish I could go on holidays to see the angels." She pouted. "He always gets to do the fun stuff. He always gets to go on holidays." She folded her arms in protest. Mandy smiled knowing that every time Nick went into the hospital, Naomi was told he was gone on holidays. She could not help but laugh at her. Thinking of Nick in that way eased her pain a little bit. It was nice to think of him like that. It was easier for her digest. They were all things he could never do when he was alive, she hoped that was exactly what he doing.

Naomi's face turned into a state of confusion for a moment. "Mandy," She asked, "How come you didn't go on holidays with Nick?" She had not been expecting a question like that. Mandy stayed silent for a moment thinking of what she could say in a way that wouldn't scare the child.

"I missed my flight." It was the first thing that came to her head. She waited for her to ask why, but she didn't.

"That's a pity." She simply said. "Now he gets all the fun. Greedy guts."

"Yeah he is real lucky." Mandy smiled standing up from the bed. She laid down on her stomach on the floor and angled her body so that she could reach the box underneath his bed.

"What are you doing?" Naomi eye's narrowed. Mandy turned and saw her hanging upside-down over the side of the bed. Her long dark hair was sweeping off of the floor. She laughed at the child's expression, she looked like a woman ten times her age.

"Getting Nick's photo's. Well I am looking for one in specific."

"Which one?" She asked, her head still dangling over the bed.

"You will see." Mandy answered. She felt her muscles strain as she stretched out towards the box.

"What does it look like?" She asked again. Six year olds and their questions, Mandy thought to herself.

"A photo." Mandy replied grabbing the box.

"I am not stupid, you already said that. But who is in it?"

"Since when did you become so nosy?" Mandy laughed.

"And cheeky?" She heard Kate say from the door. Naomi's head shot back up. Mandy wriggled her body back out from underneath the bed taking the box with her.

"Hi Kate." She greeted her with a hug. She looked tired, but that was only to be expected. The woman had kept up a brave front for so long she was entitled to break down.

"Hi love. Did you find what you needed?"

"No not yet, but it is in this box, he showed it to me just last month."

"Well take your time, nobody is throwing you out." She smiled. "Come on you, cheeky," She nodded towards Naomi and held out her hand, "I have your dinner ready downstairs. Would you like something to eat, Mandy?"

"No thanks, I am ok."

"Ok, honey, if you need anything just let me know." She said as she walked out the door with Naomi's hand in hers.

"Mommy," She heard Naomi begin, "-remember, Lucky our gold fish?"

"Yes." Kate answered sounding sceptical.

"Will Nick meet him on his holiday with the angels too?" She heard Kate laugh as they went down stairs. Mandy just nodded her head and smiled as she opened the black box full of photos. They were actually hers but she brought them to Nick's house once and never took them home, from then on any photos either of them took went into the box.

She spent an hour laughing and crying at the photos she came across. Half of the time she did not know if she was crying because of the memories or because of the way her mother used to dress her. She went through hundreds of photos and couldn't find the one she was looking for. After awhile she gave up and put the lid back on the box. "I am too tired for this." She muttered rubbing her eye's. It was beginning to get dark outside and the rain was only getting heavier and she needed to get home before it did. She smiled knowing that if he was there with her he wouldn't let her drive in the rain, he would take her home in his car.

She checked everything in the bag Kate had put her things into. She didn't think there was anything missing. She picked it up and went downstairs. She peeked her head in the kitchen door. "Guys, I am going to get going." She told them as they all sat around the table.

"You want me to drive you?" Mike asked.

"No I will be fine."

"Oh, Mandy before you go, you left this at the hospital." Kate stood up and opened the drawer. It was the brown envelope from the letter Nick had given her.

"I don't need that, I have the letter." She said confused.

"I know that but you left the locket and the key in it." She was even in a deeper state of confusion now.

"What locket and key?" She asked. Kate looked just as puzzled as she was. She realized then that she had never looked at anything else but the letter. She could remember putting the letter in her pocket and leaving the envelope on the chair.

"That's why it was so heavy." She whispered to herself. Kate removed the silver chain from the envelope and secured it around Mandy's neck. When she opened it there was a picture of them both when they first started going out. He looked amazing, he didn't even look sick. His arm was placed firmly around her shoulder. She fought with herself to keep back the tears. She held it in her hand for a moment then turned it over: Engraved in your heart, was printed on it. She closed it again and let go of it so that it was dangling down her neck. "What is the key for?"

"I am not allowed tell you. I just know that he was suppose to give it to you the night of his nineteenth birthday. So it happened, he has not got the chance to give it to you on that day so he told me to give it to you instead and he told me to tell you that you were going to find out anyway so he had no other choice but to give it to you." She ranted.

"Is that suppose to make any sense to me?" Mandy asked.

"No, I don't think so." Kate smiled, "but trust me. That was all he really told me."

"Ok, that is going to annoy the hell out of me." She laughed awkwardly.

After saying her goodbye's and trying with her best efforts to squeeze as much information as she could out of his mother, in which she did not succeed, she left. To her surprise the rain had eased off. She gripped the locket in her hand tightly, the wanting to know what that key was for was agonizing. She tilted her head to that she was looking out of her windscreen and up to the sky. "Seriously Nick, you know I hate surprises. I hope it rains on whatever beach you are spending your holiday on."