Losing Love

She parked her silver car in the nearest parking space she could find. As she walked to the doctors office she noticed a group of girls from her school standing at the corner. "Great." She muttered. She pulled her hood over her head in her best attempts to keep whatever dignity she had left. They were about two years younger than her which meant they had not yet reached the age of knowing when to stop with pointless gossip. The last thing she needed was rumors flying around the school that she was seeing someone for her depression. Despite her best efforts she knew they recognized her. If staring at her the whole way into the doctor's surgery did not tell her that, then nothing would. She kept her eye's locked on the door as she sped up. She could almost feel their stares penetrate through her like daggers. A sigh of relief escaped her lungs as she reached the inside of the doctors office but her new found hope was soon shattered as she stepped inside. She shuddered, it was really the last place she wanted to be, it reminded her too much off the hospital, that hospital that reminded her of Nick and the memories of him just brought too much pain. She felt like turning around and running as fast as her legs could take her to escaping the hell she was standing in.

"Mandy, how are you?" She recognized that voice, it was the voice of the woman she had been speaking to just a half an hour ago. The woman sounded like she was singing when she spoke, as if all of her words were connected. For the life of her she couldn't remember the woman's name.

"Hi, I'm good thanks." Mandy stated, hadn't the small thin gray haired woman just asked her that not so long ago? What would have changed in a half an hour? Mandy bit down on the inside of her jaw. Be polite, she told herself. She was always a well mannered person but when it came to people's sympathy towards her she never had the patience for it.

"Come this way, pet." What am I a dog? Mandy shouted in her head. The small frail woman guided her down the tiny hallway. She had to swallow hard to stop her gag reflexes from getting the better of her, the smell of the place almost made her eye's water. She never understood how she stayed in the hospital for so long. The smell of plastic gloves, disinfectant and other chemicals made her want to run to the toilet. "Sit down there, the doctor will be with you in a little bit. Will you fill this out for me? Just answer the questions I have marked." She handed her a clipboard. Mandy smiled politely and accepted the sheet. "If you need anything just ask."

"Thanks." Then the woman disappeared behind her desk. She looked suffocated with paper work. Mandy sighed and fiddled with the pen as she looked at the paper.

Name: Mandy Parker.

Age: 18

Symptoms: -----

She grunted at the last one. "What am I suppose to say to that? That I don't have a clue why I am here and that my mad, over protective, annoying, bickering mother sent me here because she thought I was going insane in my state of grief because my boyfriend and best friend just died." She found herself whispering louder than she wanted, she hadn't even realized she was talking until the secretaries voice snapped her out of her rant.

"Everything ok, dear?" She felt her cheeks get hot.

"Oh, yes, everything is fine." She said through gritted teeth. She took three deep breaths to stop the angry tears from escaping her eye's. She was getting mad at her mother and she knew she was only trying to look out for her.

Mandy stood up to approach the elderly woman: "Sorry," She murmured. "I know this may sound stupid, but I have no idea what my symptom's are." The woman's eye's narrowed for a moment. It made Mandy feel like she truly was going mad.

"Oh that doesn't matter, dear." She shook her head and took the clipboard from Mandy. "Just go back and have a seat the doctor should be just about done with her previous patient." She dragged her legs back to the uncomfortable green coloured chair. She closed her eye's and tried her best to block out the images of the small neutral coloured room. She could hear the rustle of the blue carpet under her feet. It was like she was back in the room again, the small cramped room. Her hand's tightened into fists as she fought with herself to hold back her tears. The pain was threatening to crush her, it was so strong she could feel the sensation run all the way down to her finger tips. The slow beep of the monitor replayed again and again in her head until it flashed to the moment that she made it stop. The moment he stopped breathing. They moment she had convinced herself she had killed the person she loved with her whole heart. She bit down on her full bottom lip to stop it from trembling.

"Mandy Parker." She heard a tender voice call her name. She opened her eye's quickly and wiped away the moisture that was about to fall. She prayed her eye's had not started to turn red. Doctor Roberts smiled at her as she motioned towards her. "Hi Mandy, how are you today?" She chimed. Mandy was grateful that the doctor was just asking her a general question, she did not ask it in a way that made her feel she had to go on and on about what Nick's death was doing to her.

"I am doing ok." She forced a smile to form on her lips. The doctor's office was small but very bright. She squinted her eye's as the light beemed at her as she entered the room. The doctor sat across from her at the other side of her desk. She moved a few papers around until she finally found the one she was looking for.

"Ok, Mandy, so I understand you have been getting sick, finding it hard to keep down food, not sleeping and according to your mother extremely depressed." Her eye's narrowed, she obviously knew it was an over-exaggeration on her mother's part.

"When were talking to my mother?" She asked.

"She called just before you arrived." Mandy groaned but decided now was not the right time to go off on one about her mother. She inhaled deeply trying to calm herself down.

"Well, I suppose you could say that. She seems to know about me than I do." She said quietly.

"You can talk to me Mandy. Not because I am your doctor but because I know what it is like to lose somebody you have given your whole heart to." Mandy's eyebrow raised at her words. "My husband died two years ago." She continued.

Mandy gasped, she did not know if it was out of shock or the fact that she could finally speak to somebody who went through the same excruciating pain as she was going through. "I'm sorry." She stuttered, and for the first time Mandy found herself in the position of feeling sympathy instead of receiving it.

"Don't be. I just want you to know that you are not alone in your suffering. Countless numbers of people are going through what you are goign through. I know what it feels like to wake up every morning and wish you hadn't and that is on the lucky nights you actually get sleep. I know what it is like to walk into a room and feel like you are not even there without his touch or even his smile to let people know you are with him. It suddenly feels like half of you has disappeared." Mandy felt the tears flow endlessly down her face. This woman had sparked something right at the center of her pain. Doctor Roberts took her hand from across the desk. "I am not going to lie to you and say it gets easier and that the pain eases off, it doesn't, it will always be there but in time you will be able to find ways of blocking it out for awhile. I know it sounds like it will never happen but soon you will get your life back, a brand new one. You are young you still have the time." She pulled her hand away slowly to wipe the tears away from her eye's.

"How did he die?" She asked quietly through her sobs while she took a tissue from the box on the desk.

"Car accident." She answered quickly. It was obvious she had been asked that question so many times that she did not seem awkward or uncomfortable saying the words. It was like time had let her come to terms with it and let her heal. Mandy stayed silent as the doctor continued. "I suppose I was lucky in a way. I didn't have to watch him in pain and suffering. You did, I can't imagine what that must have felt like."

"It was hard but I got to say goodbye knowing that he knew I loved him." She smiled through her tears.

"It breaks my heart to watch a girl so young, so beautiful to have to endure so much hurt." They both stayed silent for a moment. It wasn't an awkward silence, just a silence that allowed them to get an insight and understanding of each others pain.