Remind Me That We'll Always Have Each Other

Two weeks. It had been exactly two weeks since I started to binge again. It was like all of my months of therapy and help, went out the window. I couldn't stop myself, even if I wanted too. And believe me, I wanted too - desperately. I hated shoving my finger down my throat ; I hated the burning of my throat from the acid ; I hated knowing that I was back to being weak, and feeble ; I hated knowing that I was disappointing my whole family, my friends, and even worse, John. I just couldn't find the strength to stop.

Yet, here I sat in a room, full of girls' just like me, trying to counsel them, and preach to them that what they were doing to their bodies was wrong ; that there was no need for them to be starving themselves, or making themselves throw up - when I was in the same exact boat as them. I fiddled around with my bracelets, listening to the head leader of the group, Martha, speak. It wasn't until I heard her say to split up, that I looked ahead.

The second day of being here, Martha had paired each counseler up with a specific person. This would allow for a better chance for the patient to talk about their problems. This way it was more personal, one on one. I had been assigned to a sixteen-year-old girl, Kirstin. It took a few days for her to open up to me, but eventually, it happened. She came from a very wealthy family, and her parents were basically in control of her whole life. She's never been able to make a single decision by herself. When she realized food was the one thing she could control, she took advantage of it.

"Hey, Kaydence." Her small, high-pitched voice greeted me.

I smiled, "Hey, Kirstin. How are you?"

She shrugged, "Okay. It's been a long day." She took a seat in the empty chair next to me.

"What's made it so long?"

"My parents. It's like they don't even trust me being here by myself. But it's not like I'm ever truely alone. I have nurses checking on me every five minutes, and my room mate has basically confined herself to our room. I think she's getting worse."

I frowned, "That's horrible. I'm really sorry Kirstin. Have you tried talking to your parents about how the center works?"

"I've only tried a dozen times, but they won't listen. So starting tomorrow, my mom is going to come and visit for five hours each day. I mean, it's not that I don't love her, I do. I just wish she could trust me a bit more, you know?"

I nodded my head, "I think your mom is just scared for you, Kirsty. I know that when I was in here, my mother was terrified to death. She wanted to be by my side so badly, just to know that I was still alive. That I wasn't cheating."

She sighed, "Yeah, but my mom's not like that. She just wants to be here so it looks like she's actually worried about me."

I looked at her pale face, and it broke my heart. There was so much saddness in her eyes and voice, that I almost couldn't stand to look at her. I had to remember to speak to Martha later on, about talking to Kirstin's parents. What they are doing to their daughter isn't fair.

"Can we talk about something else?" She asked.

"Sure. How've you been doing on your food intake?"

"Pretty good, I think. I've been eating stuff with a lot of protein, and vitamins. So hopefully it starts to show soon."

I smiled, "It will. I'm proud of you, Kirstin. You've come a long way."

A smile danced across her tiny face, "Thank you Kaydence. Really, it's nice to hear that someone is proud of me."

"You're welcome. You should be proud of yourself, girl. You're doing this for yourself, to get better, to live longer. And you're doing it the right way."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"Knowing that you, and the other counselor's here beat this, motivates me. When I feel like making myself throw up, I think of how you overcame this obstacle. It let's me know that hope is possible - that maybe one day, I can help somebody like you're helping me."

I couldn't help but to feel like the shittiest person in the world. Tears collected in my eyes, and Kirstin reached to give me a hug. My arms wrapped around her petite body, and I had never felt so guilty in all of my life.

"You're like the big sister I never had."

I smiled, and wiped away my tears, "You're just like a little sister to me. I care about you, kid. I want you to make it."

"I want to make it too." She smiled.

Soon, the session ended and Kirstin, along with the other patients, were escorted to their rooms. I grabbed my purse, and walked outside. The air hit my face, and I had to take a seat on the sidewalk. I wrapped my arms around my belly, and bowed my head. I was starving, and I could feel the hunger pains in my stomach. It was almost like a stabbing pain, and I had to ignore it.

Neither my mother, nor the rest of my family, had noticed any change. I was hiding my relapse very well. If there was one thing I was good at, it was hiding things from people. I knew what I could get away with, and I took advantage of that. Most of the time after dinner, I would excuse myself up to my room, and wait until it was clear, and go to the bathroom. I'd run the faucet, or the shower, and empty the contents of my stomach. I was becoming this monster, once again. I was falling back into invisibility.

"Kaydence?"

I looked up and saw John standing over me. "John? What are you doing here?"

He smiled, "I thought I'd surprise you, and come to pick you up."

"Did you tell Jeremiah?"

He nodded his head, "Yep. You're mines for the afternoon."

I smiled, and stood up. He pulled me into a hug, and I buried my face in his neck. I loved the way his arms felt around me. It made me feel safe from everyone, and everything - even myself.

"Hey, you okay babe?" He whispered in my ear.

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"I'm positive." I gave him a peck on the lips, and he grabbed my hand.

"Great. Then let's go grab a bite to eat. I'm starving."

I put on my best smile, "Let's go."

I hated when John wanted to go out to eat. I hated it because there was no escape in a restaurant. There were always people around, and that left me no option to purge my stomach. But I could never say no to him. Partly because I would feel horrible, and partly due to the fact that John, along with the rest of his band, would be hitting the road soon - in a week, exactly. I wanted to spend every available moment with him.

"Kayde?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You seem . . . distant?" He grabbed my hand, "You sure there's not something on your mind?"

I nodded my head, "I'm sure, Johnny boy."

He laughed, and we pulled up to a red light. "So, I've been thinking a lot about you lately."

I smiled widely, "Really?"

"Of course." He laughed, "And I've been thinking about me having to leave . . ."

"Don't remind me."

This time he smiled, "It hurts me too, to think of being away from you for so long. So, I've managed to come up with a proposal."

"A proposal?"

He nodded his head, "Yeah, but the choice is up to you."

"Well let me hear it."

"I want you to come with me."