Remind Me That We'll Always Have Each Other

Before I could even make sense of what was happening, I saw Kaydence run in front of me, pushing Mia out of the way, just as a car was about to hit her. My heart stopped beating, and the oxygen was no longer flowing to my lungs. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t even speak, although I wanted to scream and curse. The car had missed Mia by a hair, but had fully hit Kaydence, knocking her three feet into the air, before she landed back on the ground.

“Kaydence!” her parents shouted behind me, before running over her to limp body.

Mia looked at me with tears in her eyes, and I wanted to offer her words of comfort, but I couldn’t. Instead, Jeremiah and Lainey ran to her; Jeremiah scooping her into his arms, before they ran over to Kaydence and their parents. Traffic stopped flowing, and people were leaving their cars, going to check on my fiancée, phones clutched to their ears and speaking frantically. I could see Tim performing CPR, and yelling at her to open her eyes, but I still couldn’t move. It was as if I were having an out of body experience, and all I could do was watch as this scene unfolded in front of me.

“John! John!” Lainey called my name over and over, but I still couldn’t move; I was paralyzed with shock and fear. “John!” she yelled, this time running over to me. “There’s an ambulance on its way! She … she’s not breathing! Tim can’t get her to breathe!” she cried.

I looked at her and shook my head, refusing to believe what she was telling me. “She’s okay … she’s going to be fine!”

Her bottom lip began trembling and she pulled me into her arms. “Of course she is,” she whispered.

It took the ambulance another five minutes to arrive. I watched as they placed an oxygen mask over her face, and laid her onto a gurney. I still couldn’t bring myself to look at Kaydence, because I could see how pale her skin was becoming, and I didn’t want it to be real; I wanted her to open her beautiful eyes and give me that smile of hers that I loved.

“John, do you want to ride in the back?” her mother asked me.

I nodded my head, jumping into the back of the ambulance. I listened as the paramedics yelled at each other and worked on bringing Kaydence back to life. I grabbed her left hand and squeezed it, clamping my eyes shut and praying to God; begging him to bring Kaydence back, because I loved her. And, most of all, I needed her. You can have eternity with her, God, but I just need her for this lifetime. As I opened my eyes, tears began rolling down my cheeks and I quickly brushed them away, because there was no reason to be crying yet. The paramedics were still working on her.

When we got to the hospital, I was the first to jump out, the paramedics coming out behind me. They rushed her inside, and I ran after them, but was quickly pushed back by a doctor. “We’ll let you know when you can see her, sir,” he told me, before disappearing down the hallway.

I turned around and saw Kaydence’s family staring behind me, each of them crying. I couldn’t handle it. I ran back outside, taking a seat near the curb of the sidewalk. My whole body was numb; my mind was numb. I didn't know what to feel, or how to even feel it. I wanted to yell and lash out. But, in the end, I knew that would get me nowhere; Kaydence would still be lying in the hospital bed, and I'd still have this pain in my heart. I didn't want to think of the image of her face laying there in the street, or on the gurney; I wanted to remember her smiles and laughter, because I'd see them again - I had to see them again. I scraped my shoes against the concrete and looked around the parking lot. Patients were leaving as new ones arrived, and I wondered what their story was; what life tale they had to tell.

"John!"

I turned as Jeremiah's frantic voice filled my eardrums. "What is it!?" I asked nervously, as I rose to my feet.

As he came closer, the look on his face told me everything: the paleness of his skin, his wide, red eyes filled with tears. I shook my head furiously and balled my hands into fists. "John, Kaydence ... She …” his voice cracked and began to trail off.

"Don’t say it! Don't you fucking say it, Jeremiah! She's alive! I know she is!" I pushed him out of my way and ran back into the hospital, running up stairs and hallways to get to the room my fiancée was in.

I heard loud sobs coming from her room and I wasted no time before running inside. Her mother was clutching onto Mia, as Tim had his arms wrapped around the both of them. I swallowed the large lump in my throat as I felt a cold sweat coming on. I looked at Kaydence's body lying on the bed and I felt sick; my blood went ice cold and I blinked a few times, before walking over to her. I grabbed her left hand and squeezed it. I leaned over the side, placing my mouth by her ear. "Kaydence, open your eyes, baby," I whispered. She didn't react. I closed my eyes, feeling the tears coming. "Kaydence, please, open your eyes!" I said, a little louder this time.

"John, come on, son, you-" Tim began.

I shook my head, opening my eyes and looking at Kaydence through my tears. "Open your fucking eyes, Kaydence! Please, baby, you have to!" I cried, placing my hand on her cheek; it was still slightly warm and I ran my thumb underneath her eye. "You can't leave me, Kaydence, you just can't." I sucked in a breath of air as tears began to roll down my cheeks. "I love you and you have to come back; you have to." I leaned over her, staring at her face. "We're supposed to get married. You're supposed to be the mother of my children, Kaydence. You're not supposed to leave me! Not like this, baby!"

I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and I turned around, seeing Lainey. "John, she's gone, hon. She’s gone," she cried into my shoulder.

I couldn't hold it in anymore; I felt my body begin to shut down and I couldn't hold back my tears. I couldn't play the role of being strong. I felt another pair of arms wrap around Lainey and myself and I knew it was Jeremiah.

"I loved her," I whispered. "I loved her more than I've ever loved or will ever love anyone else."

Jeremiah nodded his head. "I know, John, I know." He looked at Kaydence. "And she knew, too."

“But that’s not enough!” I shouted, pulling myself away from them. “It’s not enough and it’s not fucking fair!”

“John, come here,” Kaydence’s mother told me. I walked over to her, and she enveloped me into her arms. She had a mother’s embrace and for that moment, it helped to soothe me. “We’re going to get through this as a family, you hear me?” she whispered.

I nodded my head as I continued to cry.

Kaydence was my life, and now that she’s gone, I may as well be dead, too. I’m no good without her.

__________________________________________________________

It’s been nearly four months since Kaydence’s death, and although the saying goes ‘time heals all wounds’, I’ve found that time has healed nothing. Sure, each day life gets a little easier, but I don’t feel better. I still don’t want to get out of bed. I still don’t want to talk to anyone. I still don’t want to go out. I still don’t want to visit her grave. Seeing her lowered into the ground on the day of her funeral was hard enough. I’m not sure I can see her tombstone without revisiting that awful pain.

Jeremiah stops by every once in awhile to visit, along with Mia and Lainey. Most of the time I wish he would just stay home and forget about me; but, then I remember he’s one of my best friends, and I’m grateful that he cares so much.

A knock came on my door and I sighed, running a hand through my hair which had become greasy over the days. “What?”

“John, Jeremiah’s here,” my mother told me.

This is exactly what I meant. I just want to lie in bed and not be disturbed. I don’t want to talk about her death and I don’t want anyone’s pity. I just want to be alone. “Tell him I’m asleep!”

My door creaked open and I looked to see Jeremiah standing in the doorway. “Do you sleep talk now?”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my white tee shirt from the floor, slipping it over my head. “I wouldn’t be surprised if I did,” I said.

He sighed and took a seat next to me. “John, you have to get out of this room … out of this house! You’ve been locked up in here since Kay-“

“I happen to like it in my room, okay? There’s nothing out there in the world for me anymore,” I told him.

“What about your band? What about the commitment you have to Jared, Kennedy, Pat and Garrett?”

I shrugged. “They can find a new singer. Bands do it all the time.”

He growled and stood up, crossing his arms over his chest. “Look! I know things fucking suck right now! Kaydence was my sister and I’m hurting just as bad as you are, John! We all are! Mom, dad, Mia, Lainey, all of us! But if we just sat around all day, crying and moping, nothing would ever get better! We have to try! We try so hard to remember the good times, because that’s what she would have wanted, John.” He sat back down and put his head in his hands. “I have to walk by her bedroom every day, and sometimes … sometimes I forget she’s gone.” He sniffled and shook his head. “I go to open her door to talk to her, and then it hits me – she’s not there. Do you have any idea how hard that is? And Mia … God, she cries all the time for Kaydence and it’s so hard to see the pain in her eyes. She’s too young to have to feel that pain …”

I licked my chapped lips and looked down at the carpet. “I’m sorry, Jeremiah … I’m really, really sorry,” I admitted.

He looked at me. “Don’t be sorry, John. Sorry doesn’t get anything done. Do something. Just … do something, okay? Get off your ass and go do something! And, most importantly, don’t quit the band, John. You love music and singing too much to do that. That pain that you feel,” he paused to place his index finger against my chest, “that pain will still be there for days to come, but it will get easier … one day, it’ll get easier to get up and face the world. But, for right now, we have to make do with what we can.” I nodded my head and he pulled me into a hug. “And if you tell anyone about this-“

I laughed; I’d almost forgotten how good that felt. “I won’t tell anyone, Miah.”

He pulled away and stood up. “I’ve got to go pick up Mia, but remember what I said, JohnO.”

“I will.”

“And come by sometime, okay?”

I nodded my head. “I might just do that.”

He grabbed his keys from his pocket. “I’ll see you later then, O’.”

Once he was gone, I stared at myself in the mirror. I was a complete mess. I hadn’t shaven in forever, and I’d forgotten the last time I bathed. Thankfully, I hadn’t begun to stink yet, but I was on the brink of it. My eyes had dark circles underneath them and I was ghostly pale, having been absent from the outside world.

But I was determined to change that – starting today. I’d grant Jeremiah his wish and try to remember how to feel alive. I’d felt dead for so long, and all I wanted was for the pain to be gone. The only thing that kept me going, was knowing that one day, this would all get easier.

Maybe, one day, I’ll even get the strength to go and visit Kaydence … to have that closure with her. But, for right now, I’ll take things one day at a time. I don’t want to have life pass by me anymore. Kaydence’s death was enough to open my eyes and make me realize that life really is too short, and if you don’t seize the day – if you don’t try to break away from your routine and do something out of the ordinary – you could be missing out on a whole lot of good.

I took a chance on talking to her and asking her out, despite my fear of girls and rejection, and it brought me the greatest joy in life: love. It brought me the greatest person: her. For that, I’m eternally grateful.