It's Not As Easy As It Looks

I stumbled onto the boulevard, groaning as I looked back at loose stone in my paving. I walked slowly down the street, wrapping my charcoal cardigan closer around myself.

I closed my eyes slowly, continuing to walk half asleep, when suddenly my left foot slid ahead, I fell; almost in slow motion right onto my bum.

My eyes shot open as I looked to where I slid—dog poo. Great. I really wasn’t in the mood for smelly situations.

I slid off my shoe and tossed it into hedge next to me; I then took off the other shoe and slung it behind me. I took off my cardigan and started running. I have no idea why, but it was almost like an adrenaline rush. Perhaps like I was running off loads of steam I’ve held onto recently.

I ran for awhile, perhaps an hour, perhaps longer. I stopped upon approaching a small corner shop, and slowed down my pace as I entered it.

There was a jingle from the doorbell above my head as I walked in—causing the shop keeper’s head to shoot up to look at me. It was an old Indian man in a nicely knitted grey jumper, who looked quite tired. He gave me a weary smile and then continued to read his paper—not noticing the sweat drip off my face, and my lack of shoes.

I limped around the small shop, wiping my forehead with my arm. I opened the refrigerator cooling bottles and just stood there. Oh it was a nice feeling. I could have stood there all day.

“Excuse me?” Said a man’s deep voice.

I jumped a mile, going bright red—I looked to my side to see a man with a basket, I was obviously blocking his way. “Sorry,” I said quietly, moving to the side. I grabbed a bottle of cold water and closed the fridge door, smiling politely at the man before heading towards the counter to pay for the bottle of water.

I walked out of the shop and headed back home. I didn’t realise how far I had ran but it gave me some time on the way back to think about things.

One was Morgan, she had decided to spend some time with her family, so I needed to call her and ask how she was getting on, recently I had spoken to her and I heard she was adjusting to her new classes and settling in with the family once again, but it’d be nice to hear from her.

Another was the guys. Yeah I was still pretty pissed at Billie, so I guess I wasn’t as phased as I could be about him, but Mike keeps on nagging on about how bummed Billie seems to be lately, and how I should just let go of whatever happened.

I guess that’s my problem… I can’t let go that easily. The more I think about it the more trapped Billie makes me feel, and the more trapped he makes me feel, the more he seems like my father.

And God, I don’t want to know another person like that again.

I walked to where I had fallen over, a sly smirk spreading across my face. I laughed out loud and shook my head—the shoes were still there, and so was my cardigan. I picked them up and walked back into my house, leaving the shoes outside because they really did smell.

I rubbed my forehead and groaned; I sat down slowly on the sofa, and looked to the clock.

6AM

I bit my lip and lay down on the sofa. I wasn’t even tired. I suddenly felt my eyes sting and out of the blue tears had formed by themselves, and then next my breathing became a lot more rapid.

I was crying, and I had no idea why.

***

I blinked my eyes open and slowly looked to the clock—10AM. At least I had a bit more sleep to give me the energy I needed for the rest of the day.

I stood up, a little shakey at first, but I walked into the kitchen and gave Miles his breakfast, and then made vegemite on toast for myself.

I occupied the rest of the morning’s time with day time television and blank staring out of windows. I felt like an old woman in a care home with dementia. Like all my motivation to do anything… and well… to live, had just completely gone.

Could it be Billie? He really hurt me that much? Or perhaps I was just missing home again. Perhaps I just needed a God damn job…

A knock on the door shook me out of my thoughts, I got up from the sofa and turned off the television. I headed towards the door and just swung it open—normally I would have checked who it was, but this time, I didn’t.

Boy, I wish I did.

I narrowed my eyes. “Billie? What are you doing here?”

Billie sighed, “You’re still mad at me, I take it?” He decided to just let himself into my house, walking past me into the living room. “It’s been a week, a whole week. No one’s really heard from you, and you haven’t bothered to contact me.”

My eyes widened as I closed the door slowly. “Bothered to contact you? Maybe… JUST MAYBE… it’s because I’m a little angry at you.”

“Why?” He questioned me. “Because I care?”

“BECAUSE YOU CARE TOO MUCH,” I shouted, pointing at Billie. It took me awhile to realise I was shouting, and I moved my arm slowly back down to my side. There was a look of shock spreading across my own face to what I had said, and across Billie’s vice versa.

“….huh?” He was absolutely speechless. I don’t think I had ever been able to properly take the words out of his mouth like this.

“Y…You heard me,” I stuttered, stumbling because I was trying to keep up appearances.
Billie walked slowly up to me, looking down at me with a stern look in his eye. “Is there something wrong with… caring too much?”

I rubbed the top of my arm, stepping back and looking down—giving the domination award to Billie. “You, for a second, last week…” I looked up to Billie, eyes watering again. “You… You reminded me of my dad.”

Billie face fell as he heard the words leave my lips, and watched as I started to break down in tears. “Oh Jen… I’m sorry, I… I didn’t ever mean it like that, I never want to keep you prisoner, I just… I do care, I’m sorry,” He wrapped his arms around me, and I closed my eyes, crying into his chest, almost snuggling it.

I think Mike was right. I just needed to let go sometimes.

***

It was a perfect fit, the dress I was wearing, that is.

It was soon to be the Grammies, and having made up with Billie and pulling myself back to reality I had found myself staring at my own body in a tall mirror in a posh guest bathroom in a hotel in LA. I was sharing the bedroom with Billie, since I was sort of his plus one. I didn’t mind; he was my friend, and it was somewhere to sleep.

I tilted my head, running my right hand down the side of my body, and letting it rest on my hip. I smiled, I looked pretty damn nice.

It was a black dress; it barely covered my boobs, which looked great in a push-up bra. The dress ended quite short, perhaps to say, middle of my thighs. It tucked in at my waist, allowing my figure to be shown.

I wore a silver necklace and bracelet, along with matching earrings and black heels. I also wore black tights with a black and silver clutch purse. I finished the look with smoky eyes and red lipstick, with my hair up in a bun with a silver clip.

I walked out the bathroom and into the lounge where the guys where, I did a twirl and smiled. "How do I look?" I asked, grinning.

"Woah," They all said in unison, I narrowed my eyes and turned around. The guys stood there blinking, like they had never seen me in a dress before.

“Put your tongues back in,” I said sternly. “But thank you,” I giggled. “Shall we go?”

It was quite a ride in the limo with the guys and their girls to the Grammies, and I was extremely nervous. All the people there, all the ones watching on TV and on the internet; all the paparazzi taking pictures of me at every angle… oh God what if I sweat?

I looked and checked my armpit—the deodorant I had put on before I left was working, and I could smell the Gucci perfume Billie had given me as a gift working. I could relax a little, I guess. No, I couldn’t I was still panicking.

“Relax,” I heard Billie whisper down my ear. I looked up to him; did I really look that nervous?

“You’re fidgeting like mad, it’ll be fine,” He smiled. I pushed a smile onto my face in reply and leaned into him. I just want it to be over with.

***

Billie Joe held a glass of champagne in his hand; an arm perched around my neck, his mind becoming slightly foggy from the drinks.

"I told you, you should go to AA meetings,” I mumbled to him.

He rolled his eyes playfully, using my body to keep him balanced. I could feel Tré’s eyes on us, but he didn't understand. It wasn't my fault that Billie Joe was bringing me everywhere... it was Billie Joe.

The Green Day group had gotten finished with pictures, interviews, and all that, and it was time to go inside for the show. Billie Joe pulled me along with him, a smile on his face as we walked along the isles to our seats, him seating me on the end, and him next to me.

"It's really kickass that you came," He said with a nod of his head, "You give me company."

I smiled softly, nodding my head as the rest of the people around us filled into the seats, the room becoming hotter from their body heat. Billie Joe slunk down in his seat a little, resting his hand on my wrist, as if nervous that holding my hand would be too much.

The show started in a little while, Billie Joe becoming restless during then.

"Billie Joe. Stop,” I groaned, turning my head to look at him, a slight frown painted on my face.

Billie gave me a confused look. "What am I doing?"

"You just kicked me for the fifth time!” I whisper shouted to Billie whilst pointing to my leg where a slight bruise was forming there.

He grinned, bowing his head, "Sorry."

I sighed, shaking my head at him, yet smiling. "You're just a kid."

"I know. But I can't help it."

I laughed, shaking my head at him as we both turned back to the stage, watching the people on stage talk.

When it was time for the band to be nominated, I could feel Billie Joe tense up. After all the years of winning awards, it actually still made him slightly nervous to be nominated.

"You okay?" I asked.

He nodded his head, biting his bottom lip.

"And the winner is...“ They paused dramatically, "Green Day!"

Billie Joe let out a breath he had been holding, smiling as he turned to me. I smiled back at him, watching Mike lean over and kiss Brittney.

Billie Joe hesitated, before placing a hand on the side of my cheek, pressing his lips to mine softly. I sat there for a quick moment, before my eyes widened, the kiss registering in my mind, as his lips still lay placed against mine.

He pulled away and winked before going up to get the awards with Mike and Tré who had confused looks spread across their faces. I bit my lip... still very shocked at what had just happened... I even brought my fingers to my lips and just froze, touching them, I looked at Tré and smiled, mouthing a 'well done' to him, but he just gave me a cold look.

My phone silently vibrated, I sighed and looked at caller ID, and it was my mother. I told Brittney I would be taking the call outside, she nodded and I quietly left my chair and walked outside.

"Hey mom," I whispered until I finally got outside where it was raining, I frowned and sat underneath the canopy of the Staples Centre. “You have bad but extremely good timing.”

"Uh… thank you? But anyways, is your plane all booked?"

"Yeah," I said in reply, nodding to myself.

"So you'll be here in two days?"

"Well, England yes, but I will be staying at my house and going to my friends, I'll go to your house about the day before I leave,” I explained. “I’ll be very busy—Billie’s coming, too.”

"Okay, that sounds fine, your house you say? Are you visiting your father?” She asked, I slightly wondered why she questioned my house.

"Yeah, I guess I will," I groaned rubbing my forehead. "Why did you question my house?

"No reason, don't worry!” She said, acting a bit strange.

I decided to shrug it off, I already had enough problems over there, let alone over here, I didn't want to add any more worries.

"So," I started as I shivered, I heard many people talking and the press starting to shout, I knew the Grammies were over and soon everyone started to pile out of the building.I was going to become squishy liquid if I didn't move. "I'll see you sometime next week then, okay? Bye," I hung up and watched as tons of celebrities started to come out of the building, the press were all over them.

I needed to find the gang and try not to get squished, I decided I'd go over to where the limo was and wait for them, I got in the limo and wiped off some rain droplets on my dress I had got when I left the shelter of the building.

"Hey! Where were you?" Tré shouted running to me.

"Had to take a call, by the time I'd finished everyone was coming out, so I decided to wait over here," I smiled; Tré nodded then gave me a confused look.

"What happened with you and Billie? He's gone all shy about it."

"Honestly, I haven't got a fucking clue to what happened back there,” I said honestly, scrunching up my face and putting my seat belt on.

"Do you l-like him?"

My mind went blank and I just stared at Tré, “uh,” was all I managed to get out before I spotted the rest of the gang running over to the limo. I sat back in my seat, keeping quiet.
Once we had all packed into the limo, we head to the hotel where the guys planned to celebrate the award wins.

"Congrats guys!" Mike laughed, passing glass wines around in the limo and opening a champagne bottle, which he found in the mini fridge, he poured our drinks and we toasted to good old days.

We got into the hotel, Tré screaming the Olé song at the top of his voice; I rolled my eyes but still joined in. We headed into Billie and my apartment for the party, by the end of the night we were out of our heads, Tré, Mike and Brittney managed to stumble back to their rooms whilst Billie and I lay on the floor discussing how many stars are probably dead in the sky.

"Okay mister brainy fuck, you're giving me a headache," I groaned rolling over, feeling as though I was sobering up rather fast.

"I already have one," Slurred Billie who sat up, blinking to try and correct his blurry vision.

"Ow," He held onto his head and stumbled into the kitchen, his shaking hands opened the Aspirin bottle, and he took two pills out and drank them with some cold water straight from the tap.

"That should help, I think," One of Billie's eyes clamped shut as he lost balance, he held onto the small kitchen counter and waited till he could stand up without feeling dizzy. "I'm going to go to bed," He yawned.

“You know you really shouldn’t take aspirin with alcohol,” I stated, rolling over again.

“Now who’s the brain fuck?” He grinned, heading to bed.

I smiled to myself and sat up to get onto the sofa. I groaned as I felt my stomach churn, I laid back and closed my eyes, drifting to sleep, knowing that when I woke up I would feel like crap.

***

As dawn broke through the palm trees outside my hotel window, a crack of sunlight beamed onto my eyes, forcing them to open. I rubbed my head sitting up on the sofa, I tilted my head to see Billie still passed out in bed; I rolled my eyes as I glanced to the clock. It was only 8am. But I was up so I wouldn't get back to sleep, especially with a headache that felt like someone chain sawing my head.

My stomach did a gambol as my throat tensed up, I clamped my eyes shut as I lurched forward, putting one hand over my mouth and one over my stomach as I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom, I was sick in the toilet, knowing I probably had woken up the whole neighbourhood, I lingered over the toilet, staring at the remains of any snack I had between yesterday and today, I felt queasy once again and my stomach lurched once again, I felt a cold sensation in my back as Billie pressed his hand against it, I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Go...go away," I mumbled quietly. I hated people seeing me like this, yet the hand on my back was the best feeling I had felt in awhile.

"Why?" He croaked.

"I don't like people seeing me throw up... I don't know,” I cried shakily as I threw up again.

Billie rubbed my back, then removed his hand, a part of me wanted to just tell him to hold me, the other wanted him to leave. "Oh, well, I'll get you some cold water and I'll be in the living room if you need me,” He said, doing as I had half-wished.

"T-Thanks," I groaned, rubbing my forehead and wiping off the sweat that had formed there. "Shiiiit," I said lurching over again. Oh boy. Today was going to be so fun.