It's Not As Easy As It Looks

As the moon set and the sun rose in its place, it shone through my bedroom window, the curtains not fully closed. I woke up with my body clock, up and ready at 7am, I just wanted to sleep, I was incredibly jet lagged coming from a different time zone.

I closed my eyes as if I'd fall back asleep but nothing happened, my body and mind were fully awake.

I dragged myself out of bed and got myself ready for the day, surprinsingly, when I walked out into the kitchen for breakfast, Billie and my mother were already awake, having prepared breakfast for themselves and for me.

"I set your bowl out, but didn't make it, 'cause it'd get all soggy, and no one likes soggy cereal," Billie said, chomping into his Special K.

I grinned, "that is true," I poured my cereal and milk and sat down to join them. "So what time did you two get up? I didn't even notice... in fact mom I kind of forgot you were sleeping next to me."

"I got up half an hour before you, walked into the living room but this one was fast asleep," she said, pointing to Billie. "Came to make some breakfast, think I woke him up, 'cause he came in here shortly after me."

"No no, you didn't, I just woke up, though I was confused I'll tell you... wondered where the hell I was!" He exclaimed, both my mother and I laughed.

"How do you think I feel? All these places in a short amount of time, my brain hates me," I said, finishing off the last of my cereal. "Sometimes I'll think I'm somewhere else and I'm not, it freaks me the fuck out!"

Billie laughed and nodded his head. "Yeah, I almost fell off the couch!"

"Well you are an idiot," I teased, settling my spoon down in my dish. "Also, I was wondering what everyone wants to do today?"

Billie stood up, and started clearing away all the plates. "Don't mind."

"Neither do I," My mother agreed, making my decision even harder. I hate it when people say 'don't mind' though I will admit, I myself will say the same thing in that decision.

Billie walked off to clean up the dishes, he was just out of earshot when my mother gave me that look. I rolled my eyes and shook my head in reply.

Everyone could read it on my face, everyone knew it was so obvious, so why couldn't I see it? What was I missing--or perhaps, denying?

"There's nothing wrong with him, he's a gentleman!" My mother said, giving her approval which I just pushed away.

"Just because he cleans the dishes does not make him a gentleman," I stated, standing up from the table. "It's just... complicated."

"Like you just push people away before they get too close?" She sat back and stared at me with those eyes.

I sighed and looked away. "Mom, drop it for now, okay?" She nodded and bit her lip, she knew she struck a nerve... she'd press at it later, I know her. "It's just not as easy as it looks right now."

"What's not?" Billie said, rejoining us at the table, I jumped a mile--how long had he been there and how much had he heard? "Hmmm?" Maybe nothing judging by his questions.

"Nothing," I smiled, lying from teeth to my toes. "How about a zoo?"

"Sounds great! Do you not want to see you friends first?" He asked me, tilting his head.

"No, not yet, I'm not ready to face them yet," It was true. I knew what I did was wrong... I knew I had left without telling or saying goodbye, and I had broke a line of trust. I knew it but I couldn't face up to it. Not yet. "We're here for a week, so we will go later."

"Ahuh," Billie said, nodding his head. "Sure... zoo it is then!" He grinned like a 5 year old... he really was a big kid.

I giggled, "do you want to hire a car? We could go to the safari, where you get to drive around!"

His eyes widened in excitement, I literally hadn't seen him so excited before. The idea of actually driving with the animals was heaven, apparently. "Yes! Oh wow, so like we get to feed them? I've done that before in California, it's amazing!"

"Well it probably won't be as good here as it was there, so don't get your hopes up, but it's still pretty cool," I smiled, looking up car hires on my laptop. "I think we should totally get a convertable, how cool would that be? Open top with the lions!"

My mother looked between Billie and I and laughed. "You're both children."

"...and totally proud of it, thank you," Billie grinned, "and maybe we should get a hard top, probably not allowed in with a convertible."

"That's true," I noted, renting a normal car for us to drive in. "All done, it will arrive soon; we should get ourselves ready. I'm excited! Just the three of us... couldn't ask for better company," I smiled. Billie wrapped an arm around my waist and kissed the side of my head, which earnt a blush from me.

"I couldn't agree more," he softly spoke, taking his hand away, "come on then!"

I smiled softly, still blushing. We awaited our rental car, before venturing off to the safari park for a "family" day out.

***

The safari park was amazing, we drove around feeding animals, taking various pictures, enjoying seal shows and the amusement park.

We later settled into a Chinese restaurant in the area, taking a four person booth, Billie sat by himself opposite my mother and I.

Obviously, we teased him for being a loner, in which he played the pity party and acted offended, but he was a pretty bad actor.

When the dinner was over we stood up to get out coats, in which the lovely Chinese waitor helped us with.

"Is this your wife's?" I heard him say to Billie, my eyes widened in reply. Hold on now did he really just say wife?

Billie just grinned, knowing I was listening. "Yes. Yes it is," He said, but only I could hear the playfulness in his voice. I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me, he was getting a bat around the ears once we were outside.

"So when did we get married?" I asked as we walked outside. Billie laughed and held up my coat for me, I sighed and with his help I put it on. "What are you playing at?!" I said in an almost hushed tone, so my mother couldn't hear.

"What do you mean?" The cheeky face had faded from his face, only to be replaced by concern. "Playing at? It was a joke, relax."

I narrowed my brow at the taller man, I didn't know why I was so annoyed, maybe perhaps because we're just friends. "Nevermind," I said, walking off, leaving Billie totally stumped.

On the way home I kept thinking back to earlier in the morning, the kiss and the touch, the jokes like we're a couple, or more than just close friends. Maybe I was looking at things with a different perspective since the Grammies, but it certainly felt different around Billie.

That kiss... I still couldn't wrap my head around it. I hadn't forgotten, but I wasn't sure about Billie. It was almost like it never happened--we were both ignoring it. It was getting to me, worrying me, why hadn't he mentioned it?

Was he ashamed? Was it a mistake? Had he realised he didn't want to take us further, so he stepped back? But even so, why would he have kissed my head earlier if he was 'stepping back'.

"Jen?" I stirred out of my thoughts, locking eyes with the one pair of green eyes I didn't want to look at. "Whatcha thinking about?" Billie asked.

I smiled innocently. "Nothing, don't worry about it, what are you up to?" I asked, glancing to the phone in his hands. "Work?"

Billie laughed. "Far from it... Tré has lost his daughter's hamster, and has roped Mike into helping him find it."

I raised my brow in confusion. "Lost?"

"Don't ask because even I don't know, this is Tré we're talking about here," he grinned, amused by his own statement. "Also... don't worry about Tré... he'll come around, his pride is just a little wounded right now."

I nodded, my face falling as soon as he bought up the fact Tré was obviously a bit distant around me since I went with Billie to the Grammies instead of him. I felt so guilty, so unbelievably guilty, but I was reassured that Stevie would still go in my place--I didn't want to think of all the photos being taken of Tré and I together, and them assuming I was his girlfriend instead of her.

"You're doing it again," Billie clicked his fingers in front of my face. I stuck my tongue out in reply. "Mature."

"I know, I know, sorry, in my own world again," I laughed it off, if only he knew what I was thinking about. Maybe he could reassure all of my thoughts. How did I come half way across the world, only to be worrying about such trivial problems? "I'm back, I was... just thinking, y'know... about stuff."

"Stuff?"

I nodded and started to laugh. "Stuff, trivial stuff, don't worry," I smiled, hovering a bowl of fruit near Billie. "Do you want some?" He shook his head in reply. "Suit yourself, how about a movie?"

Billie stretched out his arms and his legs, his shirt rolling up just enough for me to catch a glimpse of his lower stomach, he yawned and settled back to how he was. "What you got?" He asked me, in which I pointed my finger in reply to a DVD shelf. I had no clue if it had been updated by my mother, it wasn't the most exciting of movie collections.

Mom had gone to bed an hour ago, it was 11pm, I was beat but not tired enough for sleep. It felt like limbo, my mind was in a completely different place due to it. Jet lag was definitely my new nemesis.

"Ouh, Pulp Fiction," He said, not giving me choice and popping it into the DVD. I found myself sliding closer to Billie on the sofa. I don't know whether it was my mind or my body, but he let me. He didn't seem to mind as our bodies met, my head resting against his arm.

I felt so secure and warm, I hadn't felt like this at all in my life, it was new and foreign, yet so right. Yet at the same time in the pit of my stomach lied uncertainty. I felt sick from not knowing what I was doing, and what would be to come. I chickened out and sat back up.

But ofcourse, he had noticed, he looked back at me, "what's up?"

"Nothing...," I slowly looked to him, he smiled and pulled me back in to lean on him. He didn't mind and it reassured me, for now at least, it felt good. But I didn't want to ruin the feeling nor the friendship. I was in limbo not only with my mind, but my heart, too.

I smiled up at Billie sleepily, and he looked back down with the same look. We both went back to watching the movie, whilst Billie slowly made "the move" and put his arm around me. He started rubbing my arm gently with his thumb in his subconscious.

Unfortunately for John Travolta, this sent me straight to sleep in Billie's arms...