It's Not As Easy As It Looks

I woke up expecting one of three things: my old bedroom ceiling, a hotel ceiling, or my house in California's ceiling.

But it wasn't any.

All I could see was darkness, but it was warm, and it smelt so nice. I sat up in confusion, realising that my face had been glued to Billie's chest all night. I wiped my mouth slowly, my eyes as wide as a planet. I had fallen asleep on him, how embarrassing. I slowly moved my body backwards, so I didn't wake him up, although as I looked around I realised Billie was taking up the whole sofa, and I was lying right on top of him.

No one was looking but I went bright red.

I now had to attempt getting off of my sofa without Billie waking up and realising how we were sleeping. I had to do something similar to this when I was younger; a boy I didn't know had to share a bed with me, he ended up with his arms wrapped around me, spooning me. I had to somehow roll out of bed and escape from his grip without him waking up, realising what he was doing to me. I was trying to spare the embarrassment, even if it wasn't my own fault.

I decided if I applied even pressure and slid off the sofa, I could probably crawl silently away. Until I realised I was trying to be some sort of sofa ninja and tapped Billie lightly on the face.

When all I got was a snore in reply, I decided to slap him a little harder, and then again a third time. This time he roused from his sleep and looked slowly to me, who was sat up on his crotch.

Billie furrowed his brow in confusion at me. "Huh...," is all he managed to think of before sitting up, causing me to slide onto my own seat.

"We fell asleep on the sofa, plus it's 8am, so it's wakey wakey time," I smiled and stood up off the sofa. "I'm going to go for a shower."

"Can I join you?" He grinned, I turned to look at him, raising a brow. "I guess not," He giggled, I rolled my eyes and hopped in the shower to freshen up.

I spent the next fifteen minutes wondering why on Earth Billie joked or said what he did, only to realise that I seemed to be analysing every detail in my life. I didn't even realise the water was running cold... I kept doing this, zoning out to worry about what someone thinks or says, instead of just living in the real world. I slapped my hand against the shower dial and turned it off, shivering, I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around myself. I could do with a hot shower after my cold shower.

I sat down on my bed and put my head into my hands, worried I'd end up back in my dream world I decided to get dressed in something simple; skinny jeans and a gaming shirt. I slugged some converse on and put my glasses on. I don't think Billie had seen me so casual, I did try and vamp it up for work and also America. I decided to do my hair and make up as usual and walked out of my room. My mother, like I had presumed, had gone to work before we had even woke up, which means she probably saw us in the living room... great.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Billie, my new chef asked me. "You got bacon, sausages, bread... cereal... take your pick," He lined up a few items for me to chose from but I simply shook my head. "What's the matter?" He asked, a worried tone running through his voice.

I simply shrugged, "not hungry," I said stickily, "have whatever you want."

Billie stared at me for awhile, either trying to suss out what was wrong, or to change my mind. Either way it didn't work as he started to prepare his own breakfast.

"You look good by the way," I jumped a mile, Billie turned and looked at me and smiled. Everything felt really awkward today, and I expected this.

"Thanks," I muttered, "I'm gonna go watch the TV in the living room," I announced and slowly walked to the living room, leaving Billie to cook whatever. I lay down on the sofa and mindlessly changed the channel on the television for awhile, not settling on a channel in particular, just anything for me to pay attention to.

I ended up watching 'Nothing to Declare', y'know that Aussie show about customs in Australia. I was so into it I didn't realise Billie had come in and sat down on the chair next to the sofa. By the time I realised the commercial break had started and I slowly sat up and looked at him.

"You can sit here if you want," I patted the chair next to me. "Didn't realise you were there, you were quiet for once."

Billie moved over to the sofa and looked to me. "Just thought you didn't want to be disturbed... are you okay?"

I nodded in reply and remained quiet, wrapped inside my own mind. I sighed and looked to him, "we're visiting my father today," It almost came out as a whisper, truth be told I had only just thought of the idea, but I knew Billie would buy that that was the reason why I was being so quiet.

"Ah... do you want to go alone or?"

"No," I looked to him. "You can come, I'd like you there," Billie smiled at me and nodded.

"Alright, I'll be there for you... I'm always here for you, you know that right?" He asked me.

I smiled and closed my eyes. Of course I did. That was my problem. He was the reason for my quietness because my head was so confused. Was I falling in love? I hoped not. I didn't want to ruin a friendship, and my job. I guess I had to control my feelings and shake them off. It's not like Billie felt the same about me, anyway.

We eventually made it out the house a few hours later, deciding to pop by my father's house before heading off to the city of Birmingham. All I wanted to do was get in, say hello and sorry, and then leave as soon as I could.

I felt sick to the stomach realising what I was getting myself into. Didn't this man say if you leave now don't come back?

Then why am I bothering to even come back? I didn't love the man. He was a terrible father and a horrible husband. I just felt compelled to go back and say sorry, maybe it was so I wasn't in the wrong, and he was.

Either way, when I saw that white plastic door I grabbed Billie's hand, and the closer we got the more I gripped into it. Thankfully he didn't seem to mind, even if I was breaking all of his fingers in an attempt to build up the courage to knock on the door.

"What if he's not even in? If he's not, we go and we don't come back later," I said, to myself rather than Billie. I took a deep breath in and finally knocked on the door, after instantly regretting my decision, before I could even think about taking a step back the door swung open as I finally faced my dad after all this time. "...hi."

My father looked between myself and Billie and then slammed the door in our faces. I widened my eyes in complete shock. I thought he'd be upset or angry, but I didn't expect instant rejection from my father.

Plucking up enough courage I knocked on the door again, and again, before my persistence finally paid off and he finally answered the door. "Listen, I came here to apologise. I know I was wrong to just leave and say those things, but well, this is my life, I'm old enough to know what I want to do in life and where I want to go, and I'm old enough to not let you control me, so I am sorry I just took off but you left me no option."

"That wasn't an apology, was it?" My father said, his voice was deep and hoarse. "Now get the fuck out of here before I break your neck," He threatened me, it was an empty threat, I knew it was just him trying to get me away from the house so he didn't have to face up to certain emotions.

But Billie didn't realise.

"What?! I'll guarantee if you try that I'll kick your fat ass so far you'll be eating your shit," Billie growled at my father. Both of them stood there, testosterone flying everywhere.

"Stop it, both of you, I came here to say sorry and make amends, but you must realise you have to also, you have to know what you did, and you have to accept I am living my own life," I calmly spoke, trying to stop the two from ripping each others heads off.

"You can live your life however you want, like I give a fuck, you've ruined my life."

"No, no I didn't, YOU ruined it with your megalomaniac ways. It's not my fault, it's yours, and you have to own up to it. I'm sorry I left, I'm sorry I didn't make contact, but here I am trying, and if you don't accept that then it's okay, but don't think you'll be seeing me again, because you won't, I'll go now and I promise you, I will never come back," I rattled out firmly.

My father took a step back, "fine, then I apologise, too. Go live your life how you want, just don't involve me in it," and with that he closed the door yet again on us. It wasn't how I had planned it, but it went much better than I had expected.

I cocked my head to look at Billie. "Want lunch?" I asked like nothing happened.

Billie smiled softly, "sure," he said in reply, taking my hand and leading me off to grab something to eat.

***

We sat in a local restaurant eating lunch in quiet, I glanced up at Billie still eating his meal. "Thank you for defending me."

Billie looked slowly up at me, chewing into his bite, he swallowed and smiled. "No problem."

I smiled back and looked down at my food. I knew I had someone who would protect me, I felt before I never truly had someone that would always have my back. It felt nice. It felt secure. "I have a few friends to visit this week, just to say hello and catch up, I know most aren't mad, most were just concerned, we shouldn't expect many more door slams... hopefully," I grinned and bit my lip.

Billie looked slowly up to me. "Hopefully?"

"Well, I don't know how some will react, hopefully they will just be happy to see me, but I don't know, they've all moved on I guess," I sighed, picking at the rest of my food. I didn't feel that hungry any more. The idea of food sounded nice, but I think everything was getting to me. I felt like what happened with my father was... rather positive, but deep down I know I wanted it to go better, I'm just not sure why. I was held back and tormented by the guy all my life, yet when it came down to it, for some reason, I wanted him to accept my life, and maybe, just maybe, be proud of it.

"We should buy some face guards then, or we'll have the flattest faces in all of Cannock," he laughed, rubbing his eye. He placed his elbow on the table and his chin on the palm of his hand and just stared at me smiling.

"What?" I said, I couldn't help smiling back. "What's that face for?

"Nothing, just happy," He said, not taking the smile of his face. "Is that a crime?"

"Yes, you'll be locked away for a thousand years if you don't stop," I joked, causing Billie to laugh.

"Alright," he said, suddenly turning his face into a sulking face.

I giggled at him. "Much better," I teased, biting my lip. "That's the Cannock face."

I was sat opposite a child. He joked, he laughed, he was immature. But he was also caring and defending, and I think... just maybe... I was falling in love.