It's Not As Easy As It Looks

It's been five months exactly since I moved. Five months. That's 18 weeks, 127 days, 3048 hours or 182,880 minutes.

It didn't feel that long. Infact it felt like I had moved here yesterday. I remember leaving town, running with all my might, boarding that plane so nervously, and landing in almost an alien world compared to what I just left.

I wouldn't take back a single second, and that's 10,972,800 seconds.

In five days time, I was turning 25, half way to 50, thinking about it that way made me quite happy; it meant I had to live all these years again just to get to 50, and I think that's gone pretty slow.

A month had passed since Billie's birthday, I was deep into my work, having completed one set of photos for an exhibition, I was working on the next.

Tiff and I try to talk like we really are friends. I know there will always be an awkward tension between us; especially when Billie Joe is around.

Billie has made sure to make an extra effort to stay in touch with his friends, and Green Day are back in the studio, mucking about as usual.

I was sat in Japan Town, in San Francisco, waiting for Morgan to come back with drinks, when I decided to shoot a few shoots of people passing by. I loved this place, I loved this city, it had so many distinct and different areas; China Town, Japan Town, Fisherman's Wharf.

The best part is that all I had to do was get a ride across the Oakland Bay Bridge, and it didn't take long at all. Though, I did want to move here.

"Here we go, two frapachinos, yours with soya," she said happily, handing me my drink, I took it by the card so I didn't burn my fingers and smiled up at her.

"Thank you," I sipped the drink but wrinkled up my face and put it down next to me. "Wow, that is hot."

Morgan laughed at me and sat next to me, "well what did you expect it was only just made!"

"Where?! The centre of the Earth?!" I joked, picking up the drink and staring at it. "That's lava in there, isn't it?"

"Lavachino... that'd make a great name for a drink!" Morgan giggled, getting out a notepad, she actually wrote down lavachino in her college diary. "I am a genius."

"Hey, give me a little credit for that one," I grinned, looking to her diary. "You have a lecture... now... why aren't you there?" I asked, frowning at her.

"I don't have to go to it," she said, closing the book. "What do you want to do next?"

"Why are you changing the subject?" I questioned, clearly something was up. "Come on, spit it out."

Morgan sighed heavily and sipped her drink which had cooled down slightly, "I'm flunking that class, there's no point."

I raised my brow at the lack of motivation. "Surely it'd improve the grade if you actually turned up and learnt?"

"Well, they record it now, so I can always catch up on the internet," She put down her drink and crossed a line through her lecturing time and just added a sad face in it's place. "Oh well," She sighed, putting her notebook into her satchel. "I'm passing the rest which give me enough credit for my second year," She smiled, almost as if to reassure herself.

I nodded, "that's good then," and smiled. I was worried about her, not so much for education, because I believe you don't necassary have to have university knowledge, just experience and motivation, but because sometimes she seemed so lost with what she wanted to do in life.

Morgan was the kind of girl that changed her life dream every day, a different job each time, I think she wanted a high paying job and didn't really care what was to follow, but that's still not right. You need motivation and passion, and if not, it doesn't matter how much you earn, as long as you are happy.

We spent the rest of the day shopping for clothes for my birthday and supplies for the party I was hosting. It was only for a few people; Morgan, Billie, Tiffany, Mike, Brittany, Tré, his new girlfriend Anna... everyone bar myself and Morgan had a partner. That was rather depressing. For a split second I considered Morgan, but it went out my mind as fast as the thought came in.

She wasn't exactly my type.

***

Pushing the door open we later arrived home with a billion bags of shopping; food, clothes, party essentials. We had everything. We could have set up our shop with the amount of items we had bought.

"I think we went overboard," Morgan puffed, carrying heavy bags and dropping them on the floor as soon as she entered the house. "Look at my fingers! Red raw!" She whined, walking into the living room and slumping onto the sofa.

"Oi!" I tapped my foot down on the floor and pointed to the bags. "You have to help me put this stuff away, you know, come on," I ordered, starting to empty the bags into their designated areas. "After all this I think we should just get a take away."

"A take-out? Chinese? Oh yes please that sounds like heaven right now, I think I have a blister on every toe," Morgan pouted, and sparsly helped me out, picking up an item every now and again, making herself look busy compared to how much I was actually putting away. "Right I'm done," She announced, giving up and taking her shoes off, "I'll call the Chinese, what do you want?"

I paused putting away the milk into the refrigerator. "Uh, just get me beef curry and egg fried rice, please, thanks," I went back to putting the rest of the items away and joined her on the sofa whilst we awaited our food.

A moment of silence loomed over us as both of our stomachs growled in harmony. We ended up in a fit of tired giggles, and eventually we were sat down to eat with our dinner.

Half way through the glorious Chinese meal our phone rang, I groaned and stood up to answer it, "Hello?"

"Hey Jen, It's Bill, what are you up to right now?" He asked.

I looked to Morgan and pulled a face. "Uh, eating, why?"

There was a pause, and then, "Oh, I wondered if you wanted to hang out?"

A wry smile formed on my face. "Actually we're pretty beat from being in the city, and now we're eating dinner. Think we're gonna watch a movie then go to sleep early," I said, for some reason it felt so good to deny him, when he had been denying me recently.

"Ah... let me know when you want to hang out, I miss you," He sweetly said, "bye," and with that he hung up the phone.

I immediately felt so guilty. "Aw," I sighed, putting the phone down in it's holder.

"Billie?" Morgan asked, finishing off her dinner.

I nodded and sat back down, unsure whether or not I wanted to continue my food. I sighed yet again, "He made me feel so guilty," I laughed quietly, "I don't even know why, he did that to me last week 'cause he was over at Tiff's house."

"This isn't battleship you know."

I raised my brow at her, "I know! I'm knackered! He can see me tomorrow if he really wants to!" I exclaimed, determined to finished the meal I paid for. "Plus he's coming to my birthday, so I'll see him in four days time," I shrugged.

Morgan just nodded in reply, keeping quiet which was unusual. "I'll go set up the DVD... and get the chocolate."

"Sounds like a plan."

***

It was sunset on the beach, a day before my birthday. The sky was lit with hues of pink and orange. It cast an eerie yet beautiful glow over Rodeo Beach, it looked like the cover of a romantic novel, or a painting, it was amazing.

I was sat close with Billie, whilst we watched the sun set on the horizon. We were sat in silence for awhile just taking the scenery in.

"Isn't this amazing?" I said softly, looking to Billie.

He joined my gaze with a smile, "yeah, it is."

Our eyes locked together and we both felt the same spark, leaning in, we shared it with a soft kiss.

That's when I bolted awake and stared at my wall in shock. Oh God no, anything but that kind of dream. You know after you have a dream you feel all the emotions you experience during it in the day?

Well I was due to meet Billie on the beach. That's going to go down well when that pang in my heart is back, even more so intensified. How am I going to control my emotions that are connected to my dreams?!

Fuck you brain.

***

Later that day I plucked up the courage and I strolled onto Rodeo beach, which was pretty much empty bar one person; Billie. I could tell it was him because he was the only man I knew in California that would wear a beanie when the sun was out, and shades when the sun went down.

I walked up next to him wearing a simple tank top, jean shorts, and flip-flops. "Hope you haven't waited too long," I smiled and sat next to him.

His face lit up when he saw me sit next to him, "Hey," He grinned. "It's been waaaay too long since Billie-Jenni day."

"I agree," I smirked, not wanting to sit too close, but I was still having a case of deja vu. "So what have you been upto?"

Billie took off his sunglasses and fiddled with them in his hands. "Studio work, y'know..."

I tilted my head and read his body language; something was definitely up. "What's wrong?"

Billie looked to me with sad eyes. "Tiff and I broke up... three days ago..."

My eyes widened. "Shit... when you called me? I'm so sorry I didn't realise," Instant guilt washed all over me. I can't believe I shrugged him off when he needed me the most.

"It's okay, don't worry," He smiled sadly.

I bit my lip and tilted my head again. "May I ask why?"

Billie looked up towards the sea, and sighed. "Just wasn't working, great girl, but none the one for me."

"Oh," was I managed to say, really wanting to run along the beach screaming. "I'm sorry... maybe you'll find her someday?" I spewed out the usual post-breakup pep talk.

Billie looked to me, bit his lip and smiled. "Maybe," He simply said, the smile not fading off of his face. "Hey... you're birthday is in a few hours!"

I looked to my watch and back to Billie. "So it is," I smiled. "I can't wait for the party... oh... Tiff was invited to that... do you think... she'll still come?" I asked, hoping that mentioning her name didn't upset him.

He scrunched up his face and shrugged. "No idea, I guess we'll find out tomorrow."

I brought my knee up to rest my chin on and looked out at the sunset; it looked just like my dream. The memories all came back and hit me at once. I closed my eyes because I wanted it to go away, yet I wanted it to happen.

"Isn't this amazing?" I said, purposely repeating my dream.

Billie looked at me then back out at the sky, "Uh, I guess so."

I started to laugh, of course my dream was more romantic than real life. This is Billie we are talking about. Billie gave me a look at the fact I was laughing, from his point of view, at nothing.

"What's so funny?" He questioned, confusion still reading all over his face.

I looked at him and giggled, "oh you have no idea."