It's Not As Easy As It Looks

The morning sunlight stretched across California like a mother putting a blanket over a child for warmth. It was the start of a brand new day, and I was determined to have a positive attitude.

I drew back my curtains and peered out of my window to take in what the world had to offer; but it all it gave me were sun spots.

I turned around vigariously blinking my eyes in an attempt to subdue the flashes blinding my vision when Billie walked in half dressed--in a shirt and boxers. He was chomping happily on an apple in a way a horse would. It made me giggle.

He shot me a glance as I turned around to open the curtains fully. I squinted my eyes, they still weren't used to the heavy amount of light.

"It's 9am," Billie stated, walking into his walk-in wardrobe to find a pair of trousers.

I turned around to an empty room, but still replied in hopes he was still nearby. "I know."

It was June, Billie and I had been dating for a little under three months, but it had helped how close we were beforehand. I didn't live with Billie and he didn't live with me, but we spent an awful lot of time around each other, and would often spend the night at each other's houses.

Morgan didn't approve.

I always had friends who would put their boyfriend before their friends, and I always aimed to be the total opposite, and whilst I had strived to make Morgan happy I found myself with a lack of time to spend with her. She was in university whilst I was at home, I was with Billie whilst she was at home. It was a vicious cycle, and sometimes we'd go days without seeing each other.

"No offence, but you're kinda lazy," Billie joked, walking about zipping up his trousers. He clasped his hands together, looking eager to do something.

I had finished my job with Click It, unfortunatly as any art based career, I had to wait on a new project. I was told it could be a matter of hours, days, weeks or even months, but I was clawing and itching to do something.

I had become lazy, Billie was right. I'd turn into bed late, and wake up even later. I'd spend the day moping around, doing little exercise, but luckily still eating heathily.

I needed a job to keep me occupied.

Billie seemed to be pushing me a lot more than normal to do something, and I had hoped he wasn't getting angry at the lack of work I was doing, or my lack of motivation to force work.

I tilted my head at him, he was up clean and ready for 9am and it made me wonder. "Are you going somewhere?"

Billie smiled at me and nodded. "Yes, with you, so get yourself ready!"

My eyes widened, and the pit of my stomach told me to stay home in my pyjamas and watch television all day. I knew Billie wouldn't allow that though and followed his orders.

By 10am we were in Billie Joe's car, I hadn't a clue as to where we were heading till we turned on to the Bay Bridge. I figured we were heading into San Francisco, but to do what? I was still in the dark. Everytime I would ask Billie he would answer with the same thing, 'be patient.'

I was starting to lose my patience.

I was like a little child on Christmas Eve, teetering on the brink of destruction, ripping the corners of a Christmas present carefully just to catch a glimpse as to what was to come.

I couldn't rip at Billie's mind, though. I just had to wait and see.

As we turned off the at the central freeway, we made our way north up past the downtown and past Chinatown, I was going through my mind guessing where we were going, wondering when we were going to stop. My mind was racing excitdely about the prospect of where we were going.

Eventually Billie found somewhere to park and we got out--it looked like a fairly normal street, named 'Green Street'. I could hear quite a bit of noise, and decided that something was obviously going on close by.

Billie walked onto the street and took my hand, swinging it lightly. He led me to Union Street where marquees were up as far as my eyes could see--thousands of people swarming around the tents, laughing happily, and enjoying their day.

"Surprise! I know it's not like a romantic picnic in the park, or a trip to the aquariam, but hey this looks better than pjs and television," Billie grinned, leading me off into the crowd. I had wondered how Billie knew just what I had planned for the day.

But I figured it was because I had spent the last three weeks doing just that.

The festival simply named 'Union Street' festival was an arts and crafts festival like I had never seen before. Cannock had had them before, but it consisted of two stalls; one many selling photo frames and the other selling knicknacks. I hadn't seen anything like it before, and at one point I wondered to myself whether or not this festival carried on till the end of the Earth.

We stopped to browse and almost every stall, taking in the sights of paintings, photography, vases and shirts. There were things I had never seen before, others I had. I splurged some of my savings to buy a few craft items for my house, and a painting to hang on my wall.

I hadn't really added a lot to my current home. It was I guess more of a house than a home. There was nothing really to make it personal, to make it mine. It was more like a showroom than someone's home.

We found time for lunch and a drink, as well as Billie saying hello to old friends, or meeting new fans. I admired the patience he had with fans, he was always stopping to take a picture or sign something, he never turned a single fan down.

One girl had even asked if she could take a photo with me in it also, I declined for that fact I wouldn't want to ruin the picture, but she dragged me in to it. It was nice to feel wanted, but I'm not sure in what way I was.

I knew a lot of people hated me, hated me just for dating him. I had even saw fanfiction killing me off to replace me with themselves. On the flipside people had been writing about me, saying positive things, I guess there is a double edged sword when it comes to being in the media, something I was still coming to terms with.

I think at times Billie liked it. I didn't like him for his fame or band, and at most times I would forget he was famous. I was a huge fan of his, though, dating or not I loved the band.

We made our way tiredly back to the car, Billie had also bought some art and crafts, but was carrying not only his shopping but my own, much to my dismay. I could have easily carried my stuff back, but I guess he was trying to act all macho and gentleman like. I didn't want to squash his dreams.

"That was really fun," I smiled, watching Billie load the boot with shopping bags. "Thank you for bringing me here."

Billie closed the lid of his boot and looked to me happily. "No problem, I enjoyed it too," He said with an honest tone. He walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me, planting a kiss firmly on my lips. "I couldn't be any happier," He beamed, looking down at me.

I blushed, not thinking I could possibly make anyone that happy. "Ditto," I said, smiling cheesily back at Billie.

There was one thing though, one that I wasn't sure was a good or a bad sign, but I knew it was problematic.

We both hadn't said I love you.

Maybe we didn't have to, or maybe we were taking it slow. Maybe we were both scared of the outcome, or just too shy to admit it.

I was kind of waiting for Billie to say it first, my confidence shrinking every time I thought about it. I didn't want to say it first, in case of rejection. It seemed stupid but Billie was still processing his divorce with Adrienne. I didn't want to spoil this relationship with something so serious if he was still bruised from that.

Caught up in our thoughts, neither of us realised we were being watched until it was too late. Billie turned his head slowly only to lock eyes with a member of the paparazzi. There was one man in a hoody and baseball cap, in his late 40s, and had clearly let himself go, was pointing an old Nikon camera in our direction. When he saw us both looking at him he annoyingly didn't stop, and continued to take his photos, even though we both looked like we were going to murder him.

It was like it was fueling him to take more.

And that only fueled Billie's anger.

You could almost see the steam coming out of Billie's ears as he approached the man, careful not to touch him as there had been so many cases of a photographer suing the famous person for harrassment, when it was clearly them harrassing the star.

"Please," He said in a mild mannered tone. "Leave us alone."

The photographer put down his camera and stared at Billie for almost five seconds before nodding his head. "As you wish," He said, picking up his bag and slinking it over his shoulder. He put the lens cap back on his camera and pulled his baseball cap down lower. "Nice meeting you," He simply said, before walking off down the street.

Billie sighed and turned back on his heel towards me. "Let's get out of here before more show up--normally they spread like wild fire."

I turned to him once we were seated back in the car, tilting my head at him. "Does it annoy you? I mean... of course it does, that's a stupid question," I paused. "But it must be horrible, I've seen them a few times but like to think you keep me sheltered from it all. A total loss of privacy... it worries me," I sighed.

Billie raised a brow. "Worries? Why?" He asked.

"Because I'm a photographer, and I often take candids, which is like harassing members of the public I guess," I admitted, looking away from Billie out towards the street, where people were walking off back home from the festival.

Billie just cackled in reply. "Honey you don't harrass the public, you create art! Just like the festival here!"

I half looked back at Billie. "I guess you're right."

We started our journey back home, joking about some of the things we had seen, often changing the topic to something more serious. I noticed that we talked about everything other than our relationship, but it was an odd thing to notice. I over analysed everything in my life almost like an OCD. Sometimes I'd worringly search on the internet to see if I'm normal, or to see if the relationship was normal.

There was something clearly wrong with my brain.

Billie and I departed with a kiss as he dropped me back at my house, he needed to pick his children up from his ex wife and I needed to search for some means of a job.

As I walked in I noticed that Morgan was either out or still not back from university--which was unfortunate. I had the rest of the day to goof around with her and she wasn't even in.

When I saw a blinking red light on my answering machine I figured Morgan hadn't returned back from university, and was probably pulling an all-nighter at her friends.

Morgan had failed one part of her course--causing her to have to work through most of her summer. Between that and her café job she had a hectic life, but she managed to keep her head on her shoulders most of the time.

I pressed the speaker button and listened to the message left on my answering machine.

Funnily enough--it was Click It.

'Hey Jennifer, it's Daryl here from human resources. Dean told me to call you and ask if you could call him back. Yes, he could have just done that himself. Well, hope we hear from you soon, bye!' The answering machine played that 'click' sound to tell me it was the end of my messages and I deleted it.

I looked to the clock--a bit late to call Dean now but I was eager to find out what he wanted or had for me.

I decided to call him up regardless, knowing he often worked late anyway, and after a long ring he finally answered with a simple hello.

"Hey Dean, it's Jennifer Walker," I greeted him with. "I was told to call you back about something?"

There was a pause for a short moment. "Ah," He said, breaking the silence. "Yes I have a job for you, but I think we need to meet in person to discuss it."

I fought with myself over the best answer; I was frustrated with myself that I missed the call since I was in San Francisco just over an hour previous, and I would have to go back to talk to him, which without Billie's driving, would take me awhile.

I sighed. "No, it's fine to talk over the phone."

"Oh," Dean sounded surprised. "Okay, that's fine," He paused again. "I have a client looking for a mixed variety of photography, the contract spans over a year with a possibility for it to be extended if they like your work, plus it's really good pay."

My whole face lit up, I wanted to run and dance around my house merrily. I finally had a job that sounded somewhat permanent, or would tie me over for atleast another year!

But there had to be a catch, there always is.

"That sounds really amazing, but I have a question... where is it based?" I asked, half wishing I didn't so I could just pretend it was local.

I heard Dean sigh amidst another silent moment. "I was afraid you'd ask," He sounded dismayed, obviously thinking back to my Portugal job that Billie forced me to turn down. "It's in Manhattan."

One half of me wanted to burst out of my house on a unicorn and parade around happily, the other wanted me to be sick everywhere and find a nice hole to crawl into and die.

Dean had obviously noticed the silence, most likely knowing it was because I was fighting with myself over my answer.

"I'll give you three days, then it will be passed to the next person in line," He said, very business like. "I hope to hear from you, this is a great opportunity for you," and with that he hung up, leaving me holding my phone to my ear in disbelief.

I stood there for quite awhile, wondering what the hell I just heard.

An amazing... not even just amazing; an incredible and rewarding experience, one I had always dreamt of when I had imagined myself as a prestigious photographer. I had always dreamed I would be working in New York and had missed it since moving over to California. The time I spent there I spent in awe, from the sky scrapers to the culture, and to the opportunities the city presents itself.

But there were far more reasons why I couldn't go then why I should.

I would have to leave my first real serious relationship, my best friend, and all my other close friends behind.

It felt like I was running again, like I was back in Cannock being told about New York. Except then I was so fed up with life that I knew I had to go, I had to do what was best for me, only now I didn't know.

I called up my mother for support and she offered little of what I wanted. I heard the same old 'it's your life, you have to make your own decision', she was right but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. So I hung up, I called a few more friends. I was almost keeping tally, to see which side would win.

All of my friends told me the same thing.

My job... my career... it was a lot more important than a relationship that could end any day, and then I'm left with what? Not a lot.

By then, I had made the decision, and I felt awful about it.

I was finally so happy in life, and so was Billie, and now we were being ripped apart.

I felt my stomach churn as I remembered I had to tell him, and not only him but everyone else--what about Morgan? She wouldn't be able to pay the bills to live here, and most likely wouldn't want to live here alone.

I found myself crying heavily into my pillow in bed. I had finally built up a perfect life for myself--one I could have never imagined. I had never imagined such supportive friends, a loving boyfriend or a such a good quality of life, simply because I had never had it in England. I had turned my life around and I knew I was going to be turning it around again all for some job.

Maybe another one would come along?

No. No I couldn't think like that.

I couldn't back down from something like this, something so incredible.

This was the 21st Century--I could still keep my friends in contact, I could still visit them. It'd be much harder all the way across the country, but I could manage.

But yet again, I would be managing it by myself with no support network over there I wasn't sure how I'd cope, or what the quality of my life would be like. I knew that I didn't care what job I had aslong as I was happy, and I was... here.

I got another call from a friend in England who had heard about my decision. She told me to man up and to not let this opportunity get away; she had done beforehand and she had spent every waking minute regretting it.

She spurred me to stop moping and wake myself up. I had to do this.

Just maybe not today.

I thought of how happy Billie was earlier on in the day and chickened out--at least for today. I decided instead to put on a cheesy love film and eat lots of ice cream instead of telling him about my job offer.

A few days past, and then some more. I had accepted the job with Dean but I couldn't find the right time to tell Billie, and I knew with each passing day he was becoming more happier and secure in our relationship, and I was digging a deep hole for me to jump into.

At last I mustered up some form of courage to tell Billie, I sat him down on the sofa, I had probably made it seem like I was dying from how serious I was.

I took his hands and looked him in the eye. "I got a job," I simply said, nervously gulping.

Billie smiled happily, not realising what I was going to say. "That's great!"

I bit my lip and decided the only way I was going to do this was to not tippy-toe around the situation. "It's in New York... I accepted it."

Billie went through an array of emotions before settling on disdain. "You accepted it? Without speaking to me? When did you do that?!"

I looked down, scolded and ashamed. "Last week."

Billie's eyes widened with a mixture of surprise, anger and sadness. "What?"

I could feel him boring his eyes into my skull. I breathed in deep but I could feel my chest weighing me down heavily. I felt like I was suffocating. "I... I... didn't know how to tell you... after Portugal... I knew how you'd react... and this is a big opportunity for me."

Billie just stared, he stared until I thought I had frozen in time. "Were you going to just leave?"

I looked up at him, my face as red as a lobster. "No... hence why I'm telling you now."

Billie shook his head in disbelief. "When do you go?"

I sighed and looked away again. "Two weeks time," I chewed on my lip. I knew I had ruined everything by now. "I'm sorry."

Everything after then moved so fast I was conviced someone must have been messing with time. All I saw was Billie's blur as he raced out of my house and left me all alone.

"Bye," I quietly said to myself, letting the tears finally roll down my cheeks.

If it was that hard to tell Billie... how could I tell everyone else tomorrow? I had arranged to see everyone to come over including Billie, so I could tell them all at once without having to face so many people one to one like the disaster that was today.

But after today... how could I?

I felt so weak and limp, like all the life had been drained out of me.

What have I done?