It's Not As Easy As It Looks

There was a thick line of tension hanging over our heads in my small living room. A deadly silence had crept upon us, looming over me.

I couldn't even look at them, but when I turned my head to face them I channelled so much hate and sadness. Their faces were etched with a mixture of sorrow and hate, I couldn't quite make out what everyone was feeling, but I knew it wasn't positive.

I felt like I was reliving yesterday.

Where were the hugs, the support and happiness for me? Had they been left at the door?

I sighed, placing my hands into my cardigan; I bit my lip and looked down to the ground. It was sort of a thumb twiddling moment, I was waiting for someone just to speak up and say something, in fear it would be like Billie suddenly leaving me yesterday.

“…you’re… leaving?” Mike said, in a tone I hadn’t heard Mike use before. I slowly rose my head up to look at him—he looked… sad. “…for real?”

I nodded slowly, still chewing on my lip. “Yeah… in just under two weeks," I admitted, quietly.

“Why?” Tré asked, I turned my head to look at him, sadness in his eyes also. “Don’t you like it here?”

I shook my head, taking my hands out of my cardigan and waving them around. “No, no, no, it’s not like that at all, it’s just… this job I've been offered... it's amazing, it's going to do so much for my career. I need to do this. But I know as amazing New York is, I will miss living here with you guys,” I looked to them all, smiling warm-heartedly, “I really will and we can stay in touch, but I need to go and do this for me.”

I had a pain in my gut that made me think I had made the wrong decision, though I knew deep down it was right and I had to stick to it. I couldn't be weak; not now I had gone through with it.

Billie had taken the liberty to not show up, but after he quickly made his exit yesterday I figured he wouldn't. It only made it worse when I wondered just what he was doing with his time. Was he too busy sulking? Or maybe he was so angry at me he couldn't bring himself to look at me ever again.

I tilted my head at the guys, realising they were still yet to reply to me.

Tré looked at me and sighed, he forced a soft smile. "You will do great, just make sure to keep in touch," he said, and without a hug or a handshake he left just like Billie Joe did.

I looked to the last Green Day member standing--Mike. I tilted my head, "are you going to leave, too?"

Mike just smiled at me and pulled me into a hug. "Of course not; I'm not a three year old," He grinned and pulled out the hug. "You're going to do great... I'm going to open up a world renowned magazine and see your beautiful photography, and I get to say... that's my friends work."

I blushed, feeling my eyes sting. "Mike..." My eyes watered further. "Thank you," I sniffed, as my eyes started to run. He pulled me into an embrace again and I cried into him.

"Don't regret this--this is the best decision you could have made," he truthfully told me, just hearing that made everything feel better, it was clear I needed a lot of support but lacked it. "Now you go, and you don't look back, but like Tré said; it wouldn't hurt to call, alright?" He said, sounding very fatherly.

I nodded and smiled through tears. "Alright."

Once he had left it left Morgan and I alone. She had known something was up when she'd come home to my red eyes, and when she saw new suitcases being dragged up the stairs into my bedroom. I just don't think she imagined this.

She was silent, too silent.

"Morg," I said, taking a step close to her.

She put her hands up as if to tell me not to get any closer. "Don't... I don't want to hear it," She said, sounding pained. Without looking at me she walked past me and up the stairs to her bedroom.

I had literally torn her away from this house, forcing her to move somewhere else. I felt like a horrible friend and I could understand the bitterness. It would have still been nice if she could understand my situation, and had supported me. I guess I had day dreamed too much before telling everyone...

***

Morgan had stuck around, bitterness lay in her words as I knew she would have to move into student accommodation. I tried to reassure myself that she was a grown woman that could take care of herself, and she would cope living somewhere else with other friends. It didn't work though--every time I saw her, whether in the kitchen or just passing her by in the hallway, I felt so guilty I couldn't even look her in the eye.

I loaded the last cardboard box into the back of the rent-a-truck, I couldn't believe how little I owned compared to how much I had back in England. I guess I still hadn't really moved in to my life over here in California. Apart from a few things I had bought, like the ones at the arts and crafts fair Billie had taken me to, I really didn't own anything "personal".

"That was the last of them," Morgan quietly said, tucking her hands into her jeans back pockets. "I guess I should be going now."

I nodded slowly, looking to Morgan's bags she was taking to her new accommodation. She had moved most the of her stuff with my help yesterday, and now the house was completely empty, almost as if we were never there.

Almost as if nothing had happened in the past seven months.

Oh how I would like to pretend it didn't... it would hurt far less than the truth.

"Yeah, I guess so," I quietly said back. The air around us was awkward as we both tried to say goodbye, but I know that goodbye is the hardest word to say. It made me a coward on more than one occasion. "Be safe," I simply said, pulling her into a hug, unsure whether or not she would accept it.

"You too," She said, pulling out of the hug. She gave me one last sad smile and picked up her bags. "Have fun in New York," She simply said, walking off out of my view.

I sighed; my whole body slumping.

It was all too real now.

I stayed there for awhile, staring into nothing in particular as Morgan had already disappeared out of my view.

After awhile standing alone in complete silence I walked back into my empty house to be greeted by Miles; he bunted around my legs madly. I giggled softly and lifted him up—I sniffed into him and then we bunted noses. “You’re so cute, Miles,” I smiled, he replied with a soft purr, which made me smile somewhat.

I was taking Miles with me, he'd be flying over in his cage and would join me in my new apartment over there. I needed someone to keep me company, after all. I felt like he was all I truly had left.

Both of our ears perked up when a low rumble of a car could be heard outside. I checked through my living room window and raised my eye when I saw Billie stepping out of his car. “What does he want?” I whispered softly to Miles, who just stared outside.

I put him gently down on the sofa and then waited for Billie to approach the door—which was making me very nervous. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster out of my rib cage the closer he got, and when he rang my door bell I swear I could have almost had a heart attack.

I managed to calm myself down enough to open the door with a soft smile. “Hey,” I said, looking up at Billie.

He smiled weakly down at me. “Can I come in?” He asked, I nodded and opened the door more for him. Billie walked inside my house and took his jacket off—hooking it up on the coat rack. “We need to talk…” He said smoothly, sitting down on my sofa in my living room.

I looked down at him, joining him on the sofa but at a safe distance. I wasn't sure what to think of Billie any more. He left in a flash when I told him the truth... but then again I had hurt him.

“I'm sorry about leaving yesterday, but it got me thinking…” He trailed off.

“…ah,” was all I managed to get out of my mouth… then there was an awkward silence between us. "Go on," I quietly said, breaking the silence.

Billie looked sadly towards at me. This had played out so many times in my head--I expected a look of disdain again not sadness. "...it doesn't just have to end here, does it?" He asked me.

My eyes widened in surprise and I sat back into the sofa. "What do you mean?"

After a few moments Billie exhaled loudly. "Do you want to... try?"

I tilted my head and furrowed my brow with confusion. "Try what?"

Billie bit his lip and looked at me nervously--I had never seen him like this before. "A long distance relationship..." He anxiously said. "I think it could work, technology is so advanced these days, and we could fly to see each other," He was rambling, but he managed to smile at his own idea.

It felt like he was pleading with me to say yes to the idea, which made it so much harder. I thought for awhile, I thought of all the positive and negatives to a long distance relationship but the positives always came up short. I looked at Billie looking sullen--I felt like I couldn't let him down yet again, but I knew I had to.

I shook my head slowly, my eyes glazing over with tears. "I... don't think we can... I-I... I think it's best... if we just leave it."

Billie's look turned from sadness to disdain, the face I had imagined in my mind. "It?" He stood up off the sofa and glared at me, a complete turn around from his sullen look. "Is that all we were? Just an 'it'?!" He said with so much anger, my eyes widened in complete shock. I had never seen Billie so angry in my life.

It only made me cry more. "I didn't mean it like that," I tried to explain, but saw Billie backing away from me slowly. "Billie please don't let us part on bad terms... I thought we could still be friends after it all."

Billie raised a brow cockily at me. "I think it's best if we just leave it," He simply said, repeating my previous statement that I wish I could just take back. Instead of upsetting me though, it angered me.

I was starting to see past Billie's sadness and my guilt, and started to see how childish Billie was acting. It reminded me of the time I wanted to go to Portugal and he completely let me down just because he didn't want me to leave.

"Fine," I snapped, standing up so we were stood at similar levels. "You leave now, you act like a child, you're only damaging us yourself! We could have stayed in contact and worked it through, but no, you're an idiot," I growled. "I'm most likely coming back at the end of this contract, but I guess you don't want to be my friend just because I broke up with you for the best."

"Oh bullshit," He spat back. "You know all the shit I've fucking been through with Adie, and you expect me to just be friends with you in case you want a hook up when you get back?! Fuck off."

I was at boiling point, I clenched my fists tight and shot daggers through my eyes towards him. "Grow up or get out," I simply said, holding back my anger towards him.

"Fine," He said snidely and left in a huff, slamming my front door behind him.

Instead of knocking a vase over in my anger, or punching a wall to let off steam, I felt my legs slump under me as I met the sofa, and I just let everything out emotionally.

I cried long, I cried hard.

I knew I had to lock my door for the last time tomorrow and get on a plane with all of my belongings and Miles. I had to start my life afresh in the opposite end of the country with no friends, boyfriend or family.

It just didn't feel right. I hated change. I knew I couldn't replace my friends that I was leaving behind this time. I could be-friend co-workers, or meet new people, but nothing could replace Morgan, Tré, Mike and especially Billie Joe.

This time moving away was very different, and very difficult. Leaving friends, family, home, life, and love on movies, and in books always seemed so easy for the main character. They seemed happy to have a new lease of life, like they were starting afresh and everything would be just dandy. They had no regrets or worries, they were just happy.

How could they feel this way? This life I was leading moving from one place to another and leaving everyone behind... it was hard, and certainly wasn't as easy as it looks, but I knew I couldn't look back now.

I had to be strong.

I had to go.