Words I Might Have Ate

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“She’s rather misguided, don’t you think?” Abigail exhales, arching a thin eyebrow up at me before she wanders back into the apartment.

I hesitate for just a bit longer, glancing out into the hallway as if I’d be able to see another brief snatch of her red hair. Finally I close the door and look over at the girl who's lounging lazily on my sofa, one long leg crossed delicately over the other. “What did you tell her?” I ask, running a hand through my hair absentmindedly.

Abigail shrugs, knocking some of the ash off of her cigarette before she takes another drag. “She came over to see you. Poor girl thought that you read, she brought you a book. What lies have you been feeding her, Billie? She seems to be under the impression that you read in your nonexistent spare time. And she had no idea you were in school.”

For a moment, I’m thrown. How had Abigail known that I was in school? But then I have a faint memory of us on the beach in the dead of the night, smoking and talking. I’d told her then. I scratch at my cheek before I start to walk back to my bedroom, sidestepping her question neatly. “I have to get ready to go over to my brother’s house.”

“That’s my cue,” She rises up out of her seat and follows me to my room.

I don’t respond and I let her have my room to dress in private as I putter about uselessly in the kitchen. Mike’s left the last bit of a pot of coffee, so I pour it into a relatively clean mug and gulp at the cold liquid, cringing at the bitter taste.

My door opens and I turn in time to see Abigail pull her long hair out of her shirt and twist it up into a loose ponytail. She looks softer now, more fragile and less domineering with her faded makeup and wrinkled clothes. She almost looks vulnerable. It’s a side of her that I’ve never seen before and it intrigues me.

She comes up to me and pulls lightly on my shirt before she looks into my eyes and offers me a reserved smile. “See you soon,” She whispers, her breath ghosting across my lips before she kisses me.

Our mouths move together before she breaks away and pats my cheek patronizingly. I watch as she moves towards the front door, pausing only momentarily to grab a banana from the fruit bowl. Her footsteps are amplified on the threadbare carpet and I stare at the back of the front door long after it’s clicked into place and Abigail has very clearly left the apartment building.

Grimacing, I pour the rest of the coffee down the drain and leave my cup in the sink. I can’t be bothered to put it in the dishwasher just yet. I stand at the kitchen sink, both hands braced against the counter as I stare down at the pile of dirty dishes, my mind swirling.

I can’t say exactly why I’m so bothered by what happened earlier. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve ever had sex with a girl I barely knew. It’s the fact that Rilla saw us. I had been working so hard to keep Abigail and Rilla separate in my life—they have such different personalities, they’d clash together.

Abigail was seductive and sarcastic. She knows exactly what she wants and she’ll stop at nothing to get it. She’s mysterious and interesting and difficult to read. It’s not hard to see why she gets so many stares from guys—she’s gorgeous and she knows it and she uses it to her advantage.

But Rilla is everything Abigail isn’t. She isn’t hard to read and she’s quiet and thoughtful. Her emotions are right there on her face and she’s so overwhelmed in this new city, no matter how much she tries to hide it from everyone. And she works so hard to keep everyone pleased because she doesn’t want to disappoint. She sacrificed her own dreams to come to school because it’s what her parents wanted her to do. Rilla is adorable in her own sense—she gets so excited when she stumbles upon something new and she gets flustered by my teasing, so much so that the apples of her cheeks turn pink at my words.

She’s basically everything I’m not. She’s smart and actually going somewhere in her life. The girl is surrounded by friends who are successful and smart, just like her. And she has parents that care about her. I don’t understand why she’s so interested in me. I’m just East Bay scum. Nothing more than a cynical, smartass punk who’s too willing to raise a middle finger to anyone who disagrees.

“Glaring at the dishes isn’t going to get them done any faster.” Mike sets his grocery bags onto the counter and tosses his car keys onto the kitchen table.

I turn and relax once I see his face. “Yeah,” I clatter the china together as I start the water. “I-I know, I was just getting to it.”

“Abigail gone?” Mike asks as he begins to unpack his purchases.

I nod, squeezing some liquid soap into the warm water. The scent of lemon hits my nose and I start to unwind a bit. This smell always reminds me of my mother. “She left a few minutes ago.”

Mike makes a thoughtful noise in the back of his throat and I hear the refrigerator door open and close as he puts away some things. “So how did that happen?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly, using the sponge to scrub at a plate. “One minute we were out on the porch talking and the next, I’m leading her upstairs.”

“I know,” Mike laughs, deflating his bags a bit before he throws them under the sink. “I had to play the stereo all night to drown out your noise.”

“Sorry,” I mutter, the words not even really registering as I rinse off the plate and set it on the counter, narrowly missing a splotch of spaghetti sauce from dinner three nights ago. “Rilla showed up at our door this morning.”

The kitchen behind me is quiet and just as I begin to think that Mike’s left the room, he speaks. “Oh?”

I drop the sponge into the water and turn around so I can properly see my best friend. “She brought me something and Abigail answered the door. I didn’t even get a chance to talk to her, I have no idea what she said to Rilla because Rilla ran away like I’d slapped her or something.”

“Well,” Mike makes a vague motion with his hand. “It’s not hard to connect the dots to figure out what you two were doing. She probably thought she was intruding. She was probably embarrassed, dude.”

“I know,” I exhale heavily and lean back against the counter, crossing my arms over my chest loosely. “I wish she hadn’t seen us.”

Mike studies me closely as he takes a seat at the kitchen table, pushing away a pile of Tré’s candy wrappers. “Why?”

I shrug, chewing on my lower lip. “It’s like they’re two different parts of my life and I wanted to keep them separate. They wouldn’t get along.” A tiny voice inside announces that I was a bit ashamed of Rilla seeing me with Abigail and I hated the fact that I was the reason that disappointment had clouded over her face. “I mean, I like both girls and truthfully, I didn’t mean for last night to happen with Abigail. I mean yeah, she’s gorgeous and I have needs. But I don’t want a relationship with her.”

“Do you want a relationship with Rilla?”

I shake my head immediately. “No. Rilla is amazing to hang out with—she doesn’t treat me like I’m worthless or like I’m some musical prodigy. She doesn't judge me. I’m normal in her eyes and I like the way that makes me feel.” I scratch at my elbow before I run my hand down my face tiredly. “I just wish she hadn’t seen us.”

“Well she did,” Mike says matter-of-factly. “So now what’re you going to do about it?”

I suck on my lip, staring down at the warped tile on our kitchen floor. I can faintly hear the hum of the refrigerator and the steady dripping of our leaky faucet behind me. “I have to explain things to her.”

“Then go do it,” He retorts, standing up and stretching. “You won’t get anything accomplished bitching about it here in our apartment.”

“Thanks man, you’re always so understanding,” I shoot him a look as he heads towards his bedroom.

Whether he doesn’t pick up on my sarcasm or he chooses to ignore it, Mike just laughs at my words, waving behind him as he opens his door. “Just doing my duties as friend and room-mate.”

He closes the door behind him and the apartment is silent before Operation Ivy starts from the stereo in his room. I smile as I shake my head and push away from the counter, rubbing at my head. I’d stop by and see Rilla before I went over to David’s house tonight for school.

For the time being, I had a calculus package I had to work on. I had several pages left that I hadn’t even started and I was due at David’s house in a few hours.

-X-

Going to Berkeley University’s campus was always a bittersweet feeling for me. As I walk down the main boulevard, it's almost like I was pretending and everyone could see I didn’t really belong here. I hadn’t even graduated from high school; I am the last person anyone would expect to find on a college campus.

But as I fall into step with the throng of students making their way to classes, I can't help but think of how it would feel going to school here. It's an awe-inspiring feeling to walk among all of these massive buildings and know that all around me, people are learning and training for a higher living. I feel a little insignificant as Rilla’s dorm comes into view.

It’s a little past four in the afternoon and the sun is sinking ever lower in the sky. I shove my hands deep in my pockets as I step off the curb and cut across the street. I get a few stares from a couple of girls sitting on a bench outside of the building, enjoying their free afternoon.

Resisting the urge to smile as widely as I can at them, I pull open the door and step into the lobby before I give my eyes a few moments to adjust to the artificial lighting. Once I can see again, I look all around me at my surroundings interestedly.

The last time I had been in there, I must have looked lost because a completely random girl had come up and asked to help me. I halfheartedly look around me again for her, as if she’d magically materialize and help me again. But nothing happens and so I take a few hesitant steps further into the room.

Just as I’m about to turn and ask the receptionist for some help, I hear my name being called from across the lobby and my heart leaps into my throat, hoping against hope that it’s Rilla.

“Billie,” A familiar head of blonde hair is bobbing towards me, a bottle of water in one hand and a few books resting in the crook of her arm. “What are you doing here?”

My mind scrambles for her name and it finally clicks at the last minute, saving me from embarrassing myself horridly. “Hi Louisa.”

She stops next to me and smiles again. “So you were just in the neighborhood and decided to stop by and visit?”

“Something like that,” I begin in what I hope comes off as a jokey tone. I pull at the skin on the back of my neck before I look back up at the girl. “I’m actually looking for Rilla.”

“Rilla?” Louisa’s face smoothes out into understanding. “She’s gone.”

“Gone?” I echo bewilderedly, my brow creasing.

She nods, switching her books to the other arm. “She went back home to San Diego.”

“What?” I almost choke on my saliva when I hear her explanation. I sent her all the way back to San Diego just because she found out that Abigail and I slept together? That was a bit drastic. “Why?”

“She went home for the weekend to visit her family,” Louisa replies, smoothing some of her hair back behind her ear. “She hasn’t been home in over two months and I know she’s been missing them so she and Faye decided to take advantage of the long weekend.”

Oh thank god. I didn’t scare her off. I nod, like I already knew that and I pause before I continue with my questions. “When is she going to be back?”

“Sunday afternoon,” She answers, pulling a face. “Or night, I’m not sure yet which. She’s going to call and let us know what time her flight comes in.”

“Alright,” I nod and then look back up at the girl in front of me. “Well then I guess I don’t have any reason to be here. Thanks for your help,” I offer her a weak smile. “If Rilla calls, could you just…tell her I need to talk to her?”

“Sure,” Louisa nods, her eyes glittering. It makes me wonder what exactly Rilla told her and if she knew what had unfolded in my apartment’s hallway. “I’ll tell her tonight. See you later, Billie.” She waves before she turns and walks towards the stairs.

I stay stationary for the shortest of moments before I turn on my heel and leave the building. There wasn’t any point in me hanging around if she wasn’t even here anymore. I walk back past the staring girls and up the boulevard towards the bus stop, where I knew a bus would be shortly to take me to Concord, to David’s house.

It’s just too bad that my mind was completely infiltrated by a certain green-eyed girl. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that by the time the bus stops in Concord, it only felt like a few seconds had slipped by instead of an hour on public transit.

By the time David answers the door, I realize too late that I had forgotten my calculus work back at home on the floor of my bedroom. It didn’t matter anyway. I hadn’t finished the work regardless.