Words I Might Have Ate

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“Come on,” I mumble under my breath as I coast down Ramona Street in Mike’s car. The clock on the dash says 3:38 which would indicate that I was eight minutes late in meeting David. I shift down into second despite the engine’s whining protest and pull into the parking lot.

As school dismisses at 2:45 each afternoon, the lot is virtually empty. There are a few cars parked here and there from students and faculty alike that have work to be done and I quickly spot David’s silver two-door car parked in one of the reserved spots by the front door.

I kill the engine and the car sputters to a grateful stop before going eerily quiet. “I hope you can take me home,” I murmur to the steering wheel before pocketing the keys and sliding out of the driver’s seat. The sun is blinding as I glance around at the buildings I swore I would never step foot in four years ago.

Pinole Valley High School has not changed whatsoever. It’s still the low, tan-bricked building with the red roof that it was when I was a student. It still looks –and feels-- like a prison to me and I can barely suppress the shudder that ripples through my body at the idea of walking through those doors again.

My stomach twists uncomfortably as I shove my hands into my pockets and begin to approach the entrance. I shouldn’t be here, I dropped out four years ago for a reason. It was because I hated school. I hated the teachers, I hated the smelly, over-crowded hallways and I hated the rules, the general feeling of despair that seemed to lurk in the corner and over-take students when they least expect it.

As I pass the flag-pole that proudly waves both the American flag and the PVHS school flag, the entrance doors fling open and a pair of girls wander out, books in hand and talking animatedly. They pause upon seeing me on the front steps and take everything from the electric blue hair to the small silver hoop in my nose in before resuming their conversation, heads bent close together as they whisper.

I sigh quietly before reaching out and tugging open the red doors. The foyer of the school is cool and dark. The smell of paper and freshly waxed floors is nauseatingly overwhelming to me and I take one last gulp of fresh air before stepping onto the gray tiled floor. As my eyes take a moment to adjust, I find myself staring up at the school crest emblazoned above the trophy case. I had never been one for school spirit--opting instead to smoke outside the groundskeeper’s shed instead of attending any pep rallies or school assemblies.

“Billie,” David comes from around the corner suddenly, a manila folder under one arm and a cup of coffee in his hand. He glances down at his wrist-watch and smiles widely. “Fashionably late as always.”

“Well what can I say?” I joke weakly as he guides me through the set of doors that lead into the main offices. “I try my best.”

David laughs as he waves me through a wooden door with the small plaque that reads ‘Assistant Principal’. I slowly sink down into one of the gray chairs with the wooden armrests before looking around me curiously.

David had been teaching high school science for years at a different school before he accepted the job of assistant principal here at PVHS. He had taken the job the year following my drop-out, meaning that this was currently his fourth year here. And in all that time, I had not once been struck with the sudden urge to come see how my oldest brother works.

The room itself was decorated fairly generically enough. There was the school flag hanging in the corner and a cork board full of memos and lists to the right of his desk on the wall. Filing cabinets took up the entire left side of the room and two bookshelves flanked the door that were filled to bursting with books. On his desk was his computer and stacks of papers alongside a cup of pens and pencils. Next to the computer was a family photo of David, his wife, Heather, and their daughter, Lizzie. And next to that photo was a family portrait of all of us together. It had been taken last Christmas and it included Mom, all six of her children, their four respective significant others and the three grandchildren.

The door clicking shut broke me of my reverie and I turn to see David strolling towards his desk casually.

He takes a deep drink from his coffee before placing it down and sitting down in the leather chair. “Sorry about that. I had to sign off on some student files,” He moves about quickly around his desk, sorting through the papers and finally laying the folder he had in his hands down. It falls open and he scans through it quickly, making a few noncommittal noises in the back of his throat as he reads.

With a jolt in my stomach I realize that it’s my student file. It was fairly thick and I note with a smirk that it was probably so because of the numerous times I had been caught skiving class and back talking to my teachers.

David finally looks up with a somber expression on his face but then laughs when he sees my amused grin. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” I shake my head, rubbing at the back of my neck. “I was just thinking about how Mike and I used to skip class and smoke behind the sheds. That’s why my file’s so fat, because I got so baked the majority of the time that I didn’t care if I got caught or not.” My laughter dies on my lips at the unamused look on my brother’s face so I quickly stifle myself by coughing into my fist.

“Ahh yes, behind the sheds.” David runs a hand over his bearded chin thoughtfully. “You know I still catch kids lighting up back there to this day and every time I do, I think of you.” His green eyes are vacant of any sign of amusement and for the first time, I can see why David has the reputation of being one of the strictest faculty members and why some students are terrified of him. “That broke Mom’s heart every time you got in trouble for getting high. She wanted so badly for you to finish high school so that she could say she got all of her kids through.”

I wince at the look on his face before pulling at the skin on the back of my neck anxiously. “Come on Dave, that’s not fair. You know I wasn’t the best in school. But I’m trying now, aren’t I? I made the effort to come back to try to get my degree.”

David swivels around in his chair and picks up a huge binder. “You had ten weeks left of high school to complete before you graduated when you dropped out. Now according to your file, you had enough credits to graduate provided you can pass the final exams for the four credit courses you were taking before you dropped out.”

A particularly heavy sigh escapes my lips as I run a hand through my hair distractedly. “This is going to be impossible; I was stupid to think I could do this. I don’t even remember what classes I was taking, Dave.”

“Don’t say that,” David looks up from my file and instead of seeing the scary superintendent, I saw my brother again for the first time since I entered the room. “I know you can do this, Billie. It’s a matter of you settling down and focusing. It’s four exams.”

I throw my hands up in the air, “That’s easy for you to say, Mister I-Graduated-From-College-Already. This is me we’re talking about—Billie. I’m an idiot. How the fuck am I supposed to pass those exams? I never even went to class half of the time and when I did show up, I was high as fuck and-and how can you expect me to remember what I learned four years ago?!”

David folds his hands over his desk and solemnly studies me. “I’ll tutor you, Billie. We’ll go through a few weeks of crash-course studying and I’ll have you prepped for the exams. And you’ll pass with flying colors, I promise. It’s just four little tests—“

“—that’ll singlehandedly determine my academic future.” I finish up in a biting voice.

He arches an eyebrow up at my statement and glances back up at me. “And since when have you cared so much about your academic future?”

“Since it determines my future!” I cry out in an exasperated tone.

“I hate to break it to you, Billie, but your schooling has always decided your future,” David laughs, pushing himself away from his desk and watching me again carefully. “You’ve just never –pardon my language—given a damn before.”

I wrap my arms around my waist and lean forward so my face is almost touching my knees. A shaky breath escapes me and I sigh again dramatically. “I’ve been sofa-diving for loose change for the past three months of my life so I can scrape up enough money to get food. I had to close the bank account Dad opened up when I was born because I withdrew the last of my money so long ago I was getting fines from the bank for not having any money. I sold my car to buy a new amp for my guitar. Hollie had to loan me money so I could buy food and pay back some of what I owe to Mike and Tré.” I shake my head and simultaneously close my eyes and bite my lip. “Things are bad, Dave. My job at the bar is only a limited thing and once that’s over, I don’t know how I’m going to afford food again. I need this diploma, I can’t live like this anymore.” To my horror, my eyes are stinging and I realize that there are tears gathering in the corners of my eyes.

David’s face is void of emotion as he carefully watches me from across the room. He finally stands up from his chair and moves so he’s standing next to me before sinking into the chair next to mine. His hand is on my shoulder and he’s squeezing tightly, letting me know that he’s there and he does understand. “Billie, look at me.”

I look up from my kneecaps to look my brother in the eye and I’m overwhelmed by the sudden ferocity that is shining on his face.

He squeezes my shoulder again for emphasis and nods his head once, like he’s stressing his decision to himself in his head. “I’m here for you and I promise you I will do everything in my power to make sure you pass these exams. Just trust me, okay? Can you do that?”

I remain silent as he stands up and walks behind his desk before beginning to pace back and forth, his arms locked behind his back as he mutters under his breath.

Finally he stops and looks up at me, his eyes blazing brilliantly. “I’ll tutor you every possible evening from now until the time you take the final examinations. Can you make it to my house? I can pick you up on my way home from work or Heather can—“

“I can walk,” I interrupt, finding my voice once more. “The bar where I work is only a few blocks from your house; I’ll come over after my shift’s done. I’ll be out by seven most nights.”

David nods, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “That’ll work, you can just stay for dinner and we’ll study after that. So you’ve four examinations,” He springs to the folder on his desk and opens it expertly. “In biology, math IV, English IV and government respectively. I’ll gather the course syllabuses from the teachers here and condense it into a few weeks. I’ll proctor your testing here in a few weeks and if all goes according to plan, you’ll have your diploma by the end of July at the latest.”

“What if I fail an exam?” I ask hesitantly, voicing the nagging thought in the back of my head.

“If it comes to that, you’ll just retake the exam after a quick refresher course,” David announces grimly. “But it won’t. You’re right, Billie. You can’t live like this anymore and I will help you get your diploma by all means necessary. I just—“ He throws himself into his chair and looks at me seriously. “I had no idea things were that rough for you. I knew money was scarce because of the no job thing but I honestly didn’t know—I’m your older brother, I should have been watching you and making sure—“

“Dave, I’m twenty-two years old. It’s not your responsibility to watch over me. I made the decision to drop out four years ago and I have to deal with the consequences.” I shrug, staring desperately down at the thin carpeted floor. “But I’m picking up after myself and taking responsibility for my actions. Better late than never, right?”

He nods, smiling weakly at my optimistic attitude. “Absolutely.” He fiddles with the pens on his desk before looking back at me. “I’m proud of you, Bill. You’re doing the right thing.”

I stand up from my seat and rub at my head sheepishly. “Thanks Dave, for-for everything.”

“No problem. What else are brothers for?” He replies, standing up as well and embracing me tightly. “I’ll meet with the heads of the departments tomorrow and gather together a schedule. It should take me a few days to get together the materials but say, Wednesday night at my house after your shift? We can start studying then.”

I nod my consent as David walks me to the doors leading out to the parking lot. “Sounds good.”

“I’ll see you then,” David grins down on me as I pull Mike’s keys from my pocket and tool them around my index finger uselessly.

“Bye,” I wave before turning on my heel and shoving open the doors, letting the brilliant Californian sun explode into the dark corridor.