Words I Might Have Ate

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The door to the dorm clicks shut behind me and I’m alone, enveloped in satisfying silence. I lean against the door, my eyes closed and my mouth pressed into a thin line with my two brand new books clutched to my chest.

I had no idea he worked at that bookstore. I would have avoided it had I known. But Faye and I had stumbled upon it a few days ago and at the time, I didn’t have enough money with me to buy the books I wanted. So I decided to come back today during my break to pick them up.

Slowly I open my eyes and look around my room, like I was really going to find anything out of the ordinary—I was the only living thing here. I push myself away from the door and set my keys and purse on my desk before I kick off my shoes and sink down onto my mattress.

My head is swirling and I can’t do anything to stop it. I had been fine these last few weeks not thinking about him. School kept me busy and I had even started to search for a job for something to fill up my spare time. Billie and his blue hair and crooked smile never even entered my mind—not even at night when I lay in my bed waiting for sleep to sweep over me.

And now we had collided again and I was a wreck over it. I’d have to be stupid to not know that I was attracted to Billie. I always had been; there was just something about him that drew me closer. Seeing him with that girl nearly broke my heart and walking away was one of the hardest things to do when all I wanted was to turn around and take him away with me.

And then he had showed up twice—twice! I had managed to convince myself that he really did care for me. If he didn’t, than why was he going to all of the effort to see me? But then I had seen him in my lobby and I was overwhelmed with this thick, hot angry emotion that made me want to hurt him with my words and my actions, just like he did to me.

There has to be something wrong with me. I’m acting like a jealous girlfriend and I’m just the nerdy college girl who hung out with him a few times. I recognize what I was feeling now as jealousy and I’m ashamed that I let my emotions get the best of me.

My gaze wanders towards Louisa’s record player that’s tucked under my desk. I had borrowed it to listen to the Green Day record I had bought with Billie, but I had never gotten around to it. The disc was still in its original packaging and sitting on my desk.

I rise up off of my bed and cross the room before I can think twice. It takes me only a minute or two to plug in the player and rip off the annoying plastic wrap. I load the record and turn the volume down as I sit cross-legged on the floor.

The first thing I hear is a cymbal crash, which is quickly joined by a guitar and faintly in the background, bass. And then I hear Billie singing for the first time. I bite down on my lower lip and stare down at the beige carpet as I let the music wash over me and I absorb everything.

His voice sounds rather nasally and I can see how his singing might become annoying. Overall the music is fast and loud—I can hear the Ramones influence that Billie told me about and it excites me to no end that I’m able to recognize it on my own.

A soft knock on the door brings me out of my reverie and I look around, startled at the sudden intrusion. “Come in,” I call out quietly.

The door opens and Louisa strolls into the room. “What’re you listening to?” She asks, making herself comfortable on my bed, crossing her legs easily.

I flush and subconsciously move the paper sleeve that held the Green Day album under my thigh. But Louisa notices my movement and in a lightning fast reaction, she’s ripped it out from under me. “Kerplunk? Who’s Green Day?”

“No one,” I reply, reaching for the holder. “It’s just a CD that I picked up at the store a few weeks ago.”

Louisa makes a noncommittal noise in the back of her throat as she flips it over and starts to read the track listing. “I never really pegged you for the punk genre, Rils. Is there something that you’re not telling me? They’re actually not that bad.” She grins wickedly over the top of the case.

I give up trying to snatch the little square back and shrug, trying to remain aloof about the entire situation. “I’m not normally, but this just… sounded good.”

“Are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that this is Billie Joe Armstrong singing?” Louisa hands me back the case and watches me closely.

I do a double-take, clearly not expecting her to know exactly who was singing. “How?” I ask finally, feeling foolish as I set the case back down on the floor and wrap my arms around my legs. I look up at her from under my eyelashes and plead silently with my eyes for her to not be angry with me.

She shrugs. “It says his name on the back of the case. So why’re you listening to his record? Isn’t that the opposite of what you’re supposed to be doing?” She doesn’t look angry or annoyed, like I knew Faye would be had she been the one to find me listening to Billie’s band.

I reach back and turn off the player before I look back at her. “I don’t know. I just felt like it, I guess.” There’s a bit of silence following my words and I know that she’s waiting for me to continue. “I ran into him today. He works in a bookstore and I went in to buy something.”

Louisa crawls down from my bed and sits on the floor next to me, mimicking my position perfectly. “So how did that go for you?”

I pull a face and let my head fall back against the mattress. “Terribly. It was so awkward and miserable. He looked so shocked to see me and all I wanted to do was run away. But I couldn’t. I mean, I was buying stuff from him.” I pause and then utter the words that have been in my mind since I saw him this afternoon. “He looks good.”

“What do you mean?”

I shake my head and fill my cheeks with air before I exhale slowly, drawing out the breath. “You know I secretly harbored this stupid, childish,” My fingers find a loose thread hanging from the hem of my skirt and I twist it about my fingernail repeatedly. “Immature wish that he would look terrible. That he’d be completely tortured by the fact that I was disappointed and hurt and angry with him. I wanted him to have sleepless nights and to stop eating. I wanted him to be miserable.”

“But he’s not,” Louisa finishes up simply and all I can do is nod.

“He looks like he’s been carrying on like normal. I’m just that stupid girl who thought that maybe it was possible that he’d like me back,” My voice drops down to a whisper and I have to blink harshly to keep the tears at bay. I’m beyond mortified that I’m getting myself so worked up over this that I’m crying. I’m acting like we broke up. We only hung out a few times. “Obviously I was completely wrong.”

“Don’t say that,” Louisa begins comfortingly, touching my arm lightly. “You don’t know that he doesn’t like you back. He could be so upset over you not speaking to him that he’s slowly starving himself.”

I catch the humor in her voice and the smile that I offer her is weak and pathetic. I inhale, shuddering a bit and exhale, trying to calm myself. “Somehow I doubt that.”

“You don’t need him, Rilla. He’s just some kid who got under your skin and in a few weeks, he’ll just be that boy in your mind. You should find someone here on campus who’ll treat you like you deserve to be treated.” Louisa makes a vague rolling motion with her hand. “Maybe try looking in the library?”

Much to my surprise, a bubble of laughter does slip out at her joke and I elbow her gently, sniffing a bit to clear my nose. “Hush up. I don’t spend all of my time in the library.”

“You’re right,” Louisa nods thoughtfully. “Try a bookstore.”

I roll my eyes and scramble up to my feet. My mood takes another plummet down as I realize that Billie was working in a bookstore and Louisa had unintentionally reminded me of that fact with her joke. “Thanks,” I smile down at her as I move into the bathroom where I turn the tap and splash water on my flushed cheeks.

“What time is your next class?” Louisa calls out from the room.

I stop the water and look at my reflection in the mirror. “1:45.”

“Get a move on! It’s already 1:30,” Louisa laughs and I can hear her climbing to her feet. “Well I guess lunch is out of the question—I was coming over to see if you wanted to go grab something from the cafeteria with me, but I guess you have to go learn and be educated and all that fun stuff.”

I laugh and dry my face before I walk back into my room. “I’ll meet you there for dinner. My class gets out at three.”

“I think Ali said something about going shopping after her lecture gets out. She needs some new jeans, but we can definitely do dinner. I think I’ll be back around five or so.”

“Sounds good. I’ll meet you in your room,” I begin to rifle around my desk for my math binder.

Louisa nods and disappears from the room, calling out to one of her friends in the hallway. I pick up my binder and textbook and slip them both in my bag before I push my keys and wallet in as well. All of the lights are turned off and I push my feet back into my sandals before I close and lock my door behind me.

My walk to class is short and I spend it with my eyes trained on the ground, playing with the strap of my bag idly. The lecture hall doors are propped open and I walk through them and sink into an available seat in the back of the room where I can daydream comfortably without getting called on by the professor.

The class slowly fills up and once the professor walks through the doors, closing them behind him, I pull out my text and binder and root through my bag for a pencil. It takes me a moment to get settled in my seat and as he begins on today’s topic, I bounce my pencil up and down idly on its eraser.

The only thing that I can think of is Billie and our disastrous meeting this afternoon. Everything happens for a reason and this afternoon, that meeting, was no exception. It was useless to try to deny the fact that I had a massive crush on Billie. I would have thought that after a few weeks of no contact that it would have subsided a bit, but it hadn’t.

In fact, if anything, it only made things worse for me. I still got nervous around him. I was still terrified of embarrassing myself. My hands still got sweaty and shaky and my stomach still exploded into a thousand butterflies once I saw his gorgeous green eyes beneath his scruffy hair.

I wanted nothing more than to leap across the counter and apologize a million times for turning him away, for making him angry. And I want to kiss him. I want to be with him. I want to walk down the streets of Berkeley hand in hand and tell everyone that looks twice at us that this amazing, talented, beautiful boy beside me likes me and wants to be around me.

My mind is telling me to slow down, that I’m moving much too quickly for this to end well. But my heart is saying yes, this feels right. That I should give Billie a chance because he may still surprise me even after everything that's happened between us.

I stand up suddenly and begin to gather together my things quickly. My arms are full of papers and my books as I pick up my bag and rush for the door. My things are shoved haphazardly into my bag and I hesitate briefly once I reach the outskirts of the building.

The clock at the center of campus chimes two in the afternoon and I turn left, away from my classroom and away from the direction of my dorms. Instead I hurry down University Avenue and hook a left towards the road that I know will lead me to Billie Joe’s apartment.