We All Fall Down

My head hurt from the banging music coming from my car radio. Even though I was finished with having to follow Forever The Sickest Kids on their damned tour, Jonathon had decided to slip a copy of their Underdog Alma Mater album.

Even for their synthetic sounding beats, I still have to give them their props. It was a pretty good album all in all. Especially the song ‘Hey Brittany’. I actually really liked it.

I was on my way home, to the apartment. I had picked up some Chinese and thought that Aidan and I could just stay in tonight and watch whatever was on television. By the time I finally reached the apartments, I noticed that Aidan’s sleek, black car wasn’t in the parking garage.

And when I reached our place, he wasn’t home.

I turned on the answering machine as I set my keys and things on the kitchen counter.

“You have 4 new messages.”

Beep!

“Hey Mia! It’s Jack monkey. Your cell’s turned off and you won’t return my calls. So I decided to hit you up at…yours and Aidan’s. Well, anyhow, we’re having a party tonight at Alex’s. Come if you can. Oh, and Aidan, you can come too. The more the merrier.”

Beep!“Mia, it’s Jack again. Just wondering if you got my messages and seeing if you’re gonna swing by tonight for the party. It’s just a bunch of people we randomly invited so…gonna be a blast. You remember where Alex lives, right? Yeah…of course, alright. Hit me up if you’re coming. Later.”

Beep!

“Hey, it’s Jonathon. Um…well, Jack called me to call you to see if you would pick up if it was someone else besides him because he thinks you’re being all prejudiced against him or something…and he wants to know if you’re coming to Alex’s party tonight. The band and I are actually in the area so we decided we’d come by for a while. Anyways, call Jack back because he’s freaking out. Okay, bye.”

Beep!

“Hey babe. It’s Aidan. I’ve got a shoot tonight so I won’t be coming home. Your cell’s turned off so I decided to call our home phone. Anyways, don’t wait up. I won’t be home till late. Love you. Bye.”

Beep!

I stood there for a long time before turning towards the food.

And then I threw it all into the trash can.

----------

Now, don’t get me wrong. I was glad that Aidan had a career and all. Especially as a model. He was good at his job. He did well and kept on climbing higher and higher in the fashion industry. He had made a name for himself by just using his good looks. And though some people would think it’s a shallow job, I couldn’t help but be proud of him. Aidan was smart and he knew how to use his looks to his advantage. He was actually a very smart person. He knew what he was doing.

But even then, I still hated that I rarely got to see him. I thought by moving in with him we would see much more of each other. That wasn’t the case. Because I had moved in with him, Aidan wouldn’t make half as much the effort to go out and see me. He always thought, “Well, she’s at home. I don’t have to do anything because I can always see her at the apartment.”

And that kind of thinking pissed me off.

Because of this, he never really tried to come see me. He always thought, “Well I see enough of her at home.” And instead of doing those cute, romantic things he used to do, he would just show up at home late at night and crawl into bed. As long as I was there, in his presence, he didn’t care.

But I did. Of course I cared. I wanted time with my boyfriend. Was that so wrong? Sure, Aidan was good to me. He was great to me. He treated me well and all….but the only downside of our relationship was the fact that I never got to see him. He’d always be off location shooting for the new hot designer that wanted him as the model. And of course I was always really proud or happy for him. But even then, it just got to me. As a designer, I should know how hectic a model’s career is. Though that still didn’t convince me. It just bothered me that I couldn’t see my boyfriend as frequently as I did before we moved in. So sometimes--sometimes--I got the feeling that maybe I shouldn’t have moved in with him. We had only been dating for three months before I did.

Sometimes I felt like I just rushed into things. Normally, I never rush into things without thinking first. I just stood there, with Aidan, and was like, “Let’s move in together.”

And he’s like, “Sure. Why not?”

Maybe I was just trying to pick things with Aidan. Maybe I was just making up a load of crap to make it seem like our relationship was failing so I could back out of it easily. Maybe I was just afraid to get too close to him because the last person that I let in nearly trampled all over my heart.

But that wasn’t it. I was really beginning to get tired of whatever was going on between Aidan and I.

He just wasn’t ever there. And if he was, he wasn’t there long enough.

It may seem selfish of me, but I wanted more. I needed more of Aidan. I needed all of him, or I just would have none of him.

But I knew I could never force that sort of ultimatum on him.

So, with ease, I would slowly back out.

Without a word.

And I would fall back into the old Mia.

Because the truth is, I was still in love with Alex. And no matter how much I spent time with Aidan, I would never be able to forget Alex.

As much as I wanted to, I would never be able to let go of Alex.

Because I loved him. With all of my heart.