Smiling Politely

The relief that swept over her when the bedroom door closed with a snap was almost overwhelming. There was nothing she wanted more than to curl up and sleep for a week but her mind wouldn't stop turning everything over and over. She wriggled out of her jeans and sweatshirt and, shoving Josh's man bag out of the way, raided her drawer for some pajamas. Instinctively her hand went to the bottom of the ridiculously large pile of sleepwear where she knew that a pair of obnoxiously bright, incredibly comfortable and much too big pajama pants hid. When they were settled comfortably on her hips she turned the lamp at her bedside on, pulled back her quilt and dropped onto the middle of her bed.

Now what?

She was still in a terrible mood and her brain was going at light speed, so fast that it was just images memories that clouded her vision. There weren't many words and only really one feeling. Confusion. She didn't know what to do or what to say, didn't know if there was anything to do or say or who she should do these things with. Instead she threw herself back onto her pillows and stared up at the ceiling. Watching the glitter in her lamp create patterns across the white paint distracted her for a few minutes, it was almost like meditation. Then his face popped up again, smiling at her ability to get lost in her head. She screwed her face up and dug the heels of her hands into her eye sockets and the thought that she had neglected to take her make-up off danced across her brain.

The door opened and closed quickly, a burst of the party noise interrupting the silence.

"Wondered where you'd got to," came Kaylah's soft voice, "You alright?"

She tossed her arms away from her face so that they were stretched out either side of her body, "Not really, no."

"Want to talk about it?" Kaylah plopped down on the side of the bed.

Continuing to stare at the ceiling she bit her bottom lip, "He was playing tonight, that's why Mark needed me in the cloakroom. They were playing so it was busy. They were all there, except Curtis."

Her friend only nodded, looking at the obscure band posters tacked to the wall, "Did you speak to him."

"Yeah. He came and found me. Said it was bound to happen so he thought it was best to get it over with."

"Very sensible and mature," Kaylah nodded again, making the bed bounce slightly.

She rubbed her hand up and down her face, her brain slowing down and the fatigue setting in, "It was. We didn't actually talk about much, except he mentioned that I broke his heart."

"Fair point."

"It is but bringing it up then kissing me is not helpful."

Kaylah looked at her over her shoulder, "He kissed you?"

"On the cheek," she waved her hand to dismiss the event.

"But still, contact. Really close contact."

"Yeah," she sighed, "He still smells the same and he looks great. Not just like when you haven't seen someone for a while and you kind of forget exactly how they look, he's changed and it works so well on him," she paused, "I shouldn't be feeling like this after almost ten months, especially not when it was me that ended it all."

"And you have Josh now."

"Oh yeah, that too," she had forgotten about him briefly, "He should hate me and want to shout and ball at me. Not be lovely and mature and... lovely about it all."

Kaylah turned around the face her best friend, "You still love him, never stopped.

"What? No I -"

"Don't deny it Lex. By the sounds of it he still feels the same about you."

Lexi was silent as she thought about it. Maybe Kaylah was right but what , if anything, was she supposed to do about it?

"This is just making my head hurt."

Kaylah stood up, "You need to sleep. I'll make sure no one disturbs you."