And When I Lose Myself I Think of You

Walking around the city was fun. The lights of the city were pretty. Although I would have loved to have seen the stars. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers. It’s what I get for living and being used to the city. Never getting to see the stars.

Anyways, Bill would not stop taking pictures. I think at one point, he ran out of room on his memory card. Wanna know what he did? Pulled out another one. Yup. I swear he loves his camera more than music sometimes. I’ll never say that out loud, though. I dunno why.

So, we’re at the park, kay? The Gs are…well, I’m not sure what they’re doing. I don’t wanna know. Tom’s flirting with whoever he can and Bill and I are just walking around. We haven’t gone public with our relationship yet, so we’re not holding hands. We are linked at the arms though. It can be interpreted as a couple move, but it’s more pf a friend move than a couple move. I think.

“It’s nice out tonight,” Bill said.

“Yup,” I replied, looking around.

We walked around silently when Bill asked, “Do you feel ready for the fans to know about us?”

I looked at him. “If you’re ready, tell them,” I replied.

“I’m ready. Question is, are you?” he asked.

I shrugged. “In a way, yeah. But at the same time, I’m worried about how your fan girls will react. I mean, I’m worried the fans won’t take it good. Plus our privacy goes buh-bye the minute people know we’re together,” I replied.

He nodded. “I know. Let me know when you feel comfortable with everyone knowing, okay?”

I nodded. “Will do.”

He smiled and we continued walking when his phone rang. He answered it and started speaking German to whoever he was speaking to. After he closed the phone, he looked at me and said, “That was Tom. We’re staying at a hotel tonight.”

“Ah. Wanna go on ahead and head over there?”

He nodded and we headed off in the direction of the bus.

(Hotel)

I swear Jost can read minds. The hotel is outside of the city a bunch. Know what that means? Stars. Plus my room has a balcony, so I can stand outside and look at the stars as they twinkle in the night sky.

I was standing outside in my pajamas and stuffed penguin. Hey, don’t judge. I love my stuffed penguin. My mommy gave it to me. Anyway, I was looking at the stars. They looked bright out here. Beautiful.

I heard the door to my hotel room open. I knew Bill had my other key, so it was probably him. Unless some creepy stalker fan decided to steal my other room key from Bill and come attack me. Not good.

I giggled to myself at the thought when I heard, “What’s so funny?”

Okay. That’s definitely not Bill. Unless Bill is trapped in Tom’s body. I turned around and saw him in loose pants and a wife beater. His dreads were still up in their pony tail. “Just thinking. And star-gazing,” I replied, “What are you doing?”

“Bored. Bill’s sleeping and the Gs are being boring. So I thought I’d come and see what you were up to,” he replied as he walked over to me.

I nodded. “Just star-gazing,” I said.

“I can see that,” he said reaching me.

We stood there silently, me looking at the stars. I looked out of the corner of my eye to see Tom doing the same thing to me. “Interesting outfit,” he said.

I looked at my PJs and smiled. “Aren’t they amazing?” I asked.

He nodded. “Even the slippers,” he said.

I giggled. “Yup. The slippers top the outfit.”

We stood there for a moment longer when I asked, “Why did you kiss me earlier today?”

I looked over at Tom to see him hanging his head. “I shouldn’t have. I know this. You’re with my baby brother. I don’t know what came over me,” he replied.

I sighed. I looked over at him to see him looking at me. I looked at him for a while to see that he was looking at me. Not at my chest or in another direction. He was looking at my in the eyes. He walked up to me, his gaze not breaking mine, until there was less than a foot of space between us. He reaches his hand out and cupped my face with it, inclining my head slightly upward. His gaze never broke. Not even when his other hand cupped the other side of my face or when he leaned in. The only time it broke was when our lips connected.

As if they were working on their own, my arms wrapped around Tom’s neck, pulling him closer to me. His left hand left my face and went to my waist. I went to tangle my fingers in his dreads when Bill popped in my mind, causing me to quickly break the kiss. Oh my God. Oh. My. God. OhmyGod!

“Brianna?” I heard Tom ask, “What’s wrong?”

I looked up at him. “What’s wrong?! This! I’m dating your brother and I just…” I trailed off, shaking my head, “You need to go now.”

It was silent between us when I heard Tom walk off. As soon as the hotel room door quietly closed, I dropped to the ground. I leaned against the railing of the balcony, my knees pulled up to my chest, before I broke. I wrapped my arms around myself and just sobbed. How could I do this? How can I be so awful?

My body trembled from the amount of sobbing I was doing. I stayed on that balcony, looking up at the stars until I cried myself to sleep.