Torment

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was awake and I could feel someone stroking my hair. I then realized that I had fallen asleep on the couch. When I opened my eyes, I saw Brendon was kneeling next to the couch, watching me as he continued to stroke my hair.

“Brendon,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry I left like that,” Brendon said quietly. “It was…just a lot to take in.”

“That’s ok,” I said. “I’m just glad you came back. I was afraid that I’d lost you.”

“I’d never leave you,” Brendon said. “I promised that I’d be here for you.”

I smiled at him. And before I could even stop myself, I said something without thinking.

“I love you Brendon,” I said. Brendon froze. And then I realized what I had said, and I sat up quickly. I scrambled off of the couch. “Sorry.”

I hurried to my bedroom, closing the door quietly so that I wouldn’t wake Ryan. I lay down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn’t believe that I had just said that. I mean, I meant it. I still loved Brendon. But I hadn’t planned on telling him. At least not now. Or anytime soon. It had just slipped out.

I don’t know what time it was (I knew I had been in my room for a while), but I heard my bedroom door open slowly. I felt the bed sink in slightly, and I sat up, seeing the outline of Brendon sitting on my bed.

“Brendon?” I whispered. I felt his hand touch the side of my face softly. After a moment, he removed his hand. Lifting up my blankets slightly, he laid down next to me. I laid back down as well, facing Brendon. I felt his arm snake around my waist, pulling me closer to him. He sighed softly.

“We’ll talk in the morning,” he finally said.

“Ok,” I replied quietly. We lay like that for a while. Soon I couldn’t stay awake anymore, and quickly fell asleep.

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When I woke up the next morning, Brendon was no longer lying next to me. I took advantage of his absence and fed Ryan. I definitely felt better about breast feeding when there was no one around.

When Ryan was full, I burped him and placed him back in his crib, wrapping his blanket around him loosely.

When I left my room, I found Brendon in the kitchen—cooking.

“What are you making?” I asked. Brendon jumped slightly before turning to look at me.

“Pancakes,” he said, smiling at me. I smiled back.

“That sounds good,” I said. I sat down at the small kitchen table, and a minute later, a plate of pancakes was set in front of me. I put maple syrup on them before eating. A few minutes later, Brendon was sitting next to me with his own plate.

“Did you sleep okay?” he asked, after taking a bite of his pancakes.

“Yeah,” I said. “You?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I slept pretty good.”

We ate the rest of our breakfast in silence. When I was finished, I pushed my plate away from me before stretching.

“That was really good,” I said. “Brendon, you are now the official cook.”

“Thank you,” Brendon said. “But don’t make me the official cook. There’s very little that I can cook well.”

“And here I was thinking you were some amazing chef,” I said, smiling at me.

“Shut up,” he said. He stood up and picked up both of our plates, placing them in the sink. He turned around to face me, leaning against the counter. “So. I think we need to talk about last night. Well, this morning.”

I nodded my head.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked.

“All of it,” Brendon said. “I have some questions.”

“Okay,” I said.

“First,” Brendon said. “You said that you tried not to kill Ryan…so does that mean, once someone’s assigned to die, they have to die and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it?”

“That’s right,” I said. I looked away from Brendon. I didn’t like talking about this. It hurt too much to think of that night…even though I still couldn’t remember what had happened. “I tried to see if there was something that could be done to change it…but I couldn’t.”

I was aware of the fact that I was crying now. I wiped my eyes quickly, but it was pointless.

“I’m sorry,” Brendon said. His voice was closer now, and I was startled to see that he was standing next to me. He kneeled down so that he could see my face. “I’m sure that this is tough for you to talk about. But that’s all I wanted to ask about…that.”

I wiped my eyes and face again, but this time it remained dry. My tears had stopped. I looked at Brendon who looked sad now.

“What else did you want to talk about?” I asked. Brendon looked away this time.

“I wanted to ask about what you said last night,” Brendon said. “Do you really love me?”

I hesitated for a moment before nodding my head.

“How?” he asked. A look of confusion crossed my face.

“What?” I asked.

“How do you love me?” Brendon asked. “Did you mean you love me in a friend or family kind of way, or in a more than friends kind of way?”

I looked down at my hands that were sitting in my lap. I was silent for a moment before I looked back at Brendon to speak again.

“Can we just forget that I said that?” I asked. A look of hurt flashed in Brendon’s eyes. Why did he look hurt? He looked down.

“If that’s what you want,” Brendon said, as he stood up. He walked over to the counter again, and turned on the faucet in the sink to wash the dishes. As I watched him, I realized that I didn’t want to forget about it. God, why was I such an idiot? I should just let him know how I really feel.

And you know what, I was going to. As I opened my mouth to speak, I was interrupted by Ryan. He was crying. Without a word, I stood up and went to check on Ryan.

I’d tell Brendon some other time.