Bathrobes on Sundays

If you were even half the man you pretend to be, you’d come up and talk to me. Not because I’m so amazing that everyone would want to talk to me but I know for a fact that you do. I’ve heard my friends talking about it.

I’ve heard your friends talking about it. They’ve told me how much you wish you knew whether or not I was into the sort of thing. The young one even told me about you moaning out my name in the shower but that’s unfair evidence. I won’t hold that against you since it was taken unfairly. He was spying on you. He’s like a little brother. Mine would do the sort of thing so I’m willing to discard it.

You’re looking at me now and I look down at my phone deliberately because I’m not doing the work on this one. If you want me, you’re going to have to come and get me. I’ve chased too many guys to make my knees weak over someone who isn’t willing to come to me.

James has sent me a text message, Facebook and MySpace messages and tweeted at me. He’s a bit impatient; thinks he should be in immediate conversation with anyone regardless of all other things. If he wants to talk to me when it’s 5am my time, he wants me to wake up and be happy about it. If someone else said something like that about someone else, I’d wonder why they were still friends but James and I will always be friends. He puts up with enough bullshit from me that I put up with his.

I call him back because it’d take five text messages to explain how to alternate one layer of his picture on Photoshop without the others and he still wouldn’t get it.

James ends up getting frustrated and telling me that he will just send it in an email.

I hang up with him and look up when you are standing over me with your arms folded over each other. If I had to give you only one thing, it’d be that your hard work has paid off. You look amazing. Your arms are huge and your chest square. “Hello there,” I smile up at him because it probably drives him insane.

“Hello. Can I buy you a drink?” You ask nervously. You, an image of perfection, are nervous about talking to me? That’s ridiculous. I also know that you’ve asked around and studied me enough that I know you know that I’m straight edge, you’re offering to buy me a drink and you realize it because I can see a flash of green in your eyes opening up the dark hazel into a light honey as you sigh. “Coke or something, maybe? Hey, you don’t drink. Do you want to just go across the street and get something to eat?”

Your eyes tell me that you don’t even think you handled that well so I have no obligation to pretend you covered it up. “I’m here for the band,” I tilt my head to the stage that Ken is setting up. “Maybe afterwards,” I smile at the relief I see flood your eyes. “So John told me you had said a few words about me,” I smirk because I did agree, to myself, that I wouldn’t bring up the masturbation evidence but you don’t have to know that I agreed to that and John did say a couple other things with it and I like the look you give me, knowing I’m keeping you hanging with the evidence I do know.

“Oh yeah, like what?” You fall for the bait and sit down beside me. Your eyes remain lighter because you’re curious. It’s nice, I like the color. You’re so attractive, I am not entirely sure why you’re into me, and there are more attractive guys to dig. You have Brandan wrapped around your finger; James eating out of the palm of you hand and you are crushing over me? Makes no sense but it does make me feel good.

“Well what was there to tell? Have you talked about me on more than one occasion?” I smile when your eyes cloud over again and you are worried. You don’t like the corner you’ve backed yourself into because you don’t think you can trust me. I know you’ve had some trust issues in the past; Brandan has told me that you have trust issues on several occasions. You don’t trust him not to hurt you, not to emasculate the image you have worked so hard to protect.

Maybe you don’t look at me as being as strong as Brandan or James, maybe you think that you can protect me instead of having to kneel down and be protected because they are manlier than me. “Well you’re in bands that are competition to mine; I’ve talked about you several times indirectly. I don’t like what you’re doing. We’ve toured several times together and you’re always really chill so if I admit that I like you, will you act like normal?”

“I probably won’t stop until we’re dating and you’re not chasing anyone else.” I shrug. I guess if we are being honest, I should do my part. I don’t usually like playing games with people; I just don’t know what to do about him. If Brandan and James can’t leash you in, I’m pretty sure I can’t and I don’t like my time wasted.

You smile widely, your otherwise serious face giving way to childish dimples and a toothy grin. “At least you’re honest. I like that you’re straight forward. I go into relationships for the long haul, though, I don’t like these weak two-week relationships everyone else seems to be into. I have baggage, you know? I’m jealous and controlling. I don’t mean to be, it just happens. I guess I have a strong personality so my suggestions are often seen as orders.”

You say this as though to admit fault or weakness, which I can see why someone would see it as such. Brandan wouldn’t like someone bossing him around because he’s the boss of everyone he is in contact with and is not used to following orders. James would tell him to fuck off immediately because James doesn’t take commands from anyone. Maybe that’s why they can’t reel you in, they don’t understand how you communicate and maybe you haven’t been as honest with them about it because they didn’t ask.

“Why would anyone stray when they had you, Matt?” I run the pad of my index finger across your wide jaw. I know it’s probably flattery but I want to know what your problem is. If you have issues with your boyfriend talking to other guys in general, I don’t have enough patience to get involved. At least you are honest about it, though.

Your smile fades and you frown as you think about my question. “I think maybe the people I choose to be in relationships with before used sex as more of an ice breaker so maybe didn’t see stepping out as an offense bad enough for me to freak out about. If you’re in a relationship and step out, if it’s an accident… I guess it can’t ever be an accident but if it just happens, you know? If it just happens, fine. It could probably be worked out but it just pisses me off when someone I’m in a relationship with like has sex with someone else to prove a point like I don’t call them enough and they’re pissed.”

“Oh sure, no one likes that, Matt. I have never cheated on a boyfriend or anything; I’m straight forward enough to talk it through. Just a second,” I answer my phone and try to explain to James how to make the letters spread out more.”I told you I’d do this if you sent it to me, James. You’re Photoshop handicapped so why are you torturing yourself?”

“I just get so tired of depending on you for everything, Keith. You have other shit to do. Can I just borrow one of your books or something? Could you fly it out to me? I’d like to see you anyways. Hey, I’ll be in New York tomorrow, why don’t you fly out? I’ll pay.” He offers, he gets lonely on tour. He likes his new band but he doesn’t feel like they’re friends. They’re more like co-workers and he misses us.

“I have class tomorrow, James. I can’t fly to New York until at least early after noon then I probably won’t make it to the show if I don’t leave until late. Can I call you back in a few hours to schedule it? I’m kind of busy right now. Ken is about to perform.” I’m not lying; Ken is waving at me and making a goofy face because that’s just what he does when he’s nervous. It’s their first show.

I stick my tongue out at him and hold the phone with my shoulder so I can wave my arms a bit and pretend to dance and make Ken laugh. You laugh and the toothy grin returns, apparently you take well to being ignored so that’s good.

With friends like James, you’ll be ignored a lot. He’s a bit of a high-maintenance friend but I love him too much to abandon him over it. Or any reason, you don’t like him and James is over you so it’s okay to proceed.

“Just let me buy the plane ticket, Keith. I found a good one. You can leave at 3pm. I’ll get you hooked up with my brother so you don’t have to go through security. Please? I miss you, Keith.” He sighs. “Are you hanging out with Matt? You told me you were going to the bar to see Ken because Matt was there, he could come!”

You look over sharply and you’re blushing a bit. Thanks, James. You look so attractive when you blush, I hope that sometime down the road I can kiss your cheek when they’re bright red. I have a feeling that it doesn’t take much to make them go scarlet.

“Go ahead. I’ll call you back later.” I hang up on him and smirk at you. “I’m sorry. He talks too loud.” I look up when Ken starts. “I’ve known that dude since I was nine years old. Twenty-one years.” I tell you because you might not know and you value long relationships, you said that yourself.

Your teeth make an appearance even though your cheeks are still a bit red and you nod. “That’s a long time. I’ll know Zack that long in a couple of years. Listen, I have this thing. I don’t really like coming out with a relationship until I know it’s going to work so I don’t want to go to New York with you but I hope you have fun. Do you want me to drive you the airport?”

“So we’re in a relationship now? You don’t even know what sucks about me.” I smile and side-glance you because you’re sitting beside me now.

“Oh, right. What baggage do you come with?” You look but I can tell you are uninterested. You probably think that there isn’t anything that could turn you away if I’m willing to not cheat on you and that’s a horrible thing to think! You’re so attractive and so calm with your friends that you deserve to have higher expectations.

“I work constantly and will pick fights with you if you come home drunk or high. I’m laid back to the point of fault and if you ever say that gays shouldn’t be able to marry or adopt kids around me, even as a joke, I’ll probably not touch you for a very long time.”

“I only said it in a magazine once. I don’t feel that way, obviously. I’d like kids someday.” You shrug it off and smile again, “I don’t really like coming home fucked up either. I hardly ever get drunk anymore. I work a lot too; when I’m not doing the band shit, I’m producing for Warner Brothers.”

“So how long does it take you to be confident in a relationship because I have a hard time going to the grocery store without calling James immediately afterwards and telling him what I got, I’m kind a girl when it comes to this sort of thing.”

“I don’t care if he knows, he’s your friend. My friends will know but I don’t like hanging out as a couple. I know it’s weird. I’ve moved in with boyfriends before I have taken them to meet my friends.” Do you care that I’ve been with three of your best friends?”

“Three? I only know of two.” I look over now because I don’t even know who else you would be with.

“Efrem, it was a one-time thing. He is why I don’t drink as much anymore. I have had casual sex before but he was my first one night stand and I’ll never do it again.” You look ashamed, which is fun since you publically pride yourself on being a rebel rock star. I like that.

“Oh, I don’t care about him anymore.” I shrug and flinch when I hear Ken mess up, because it’s habit. I know how hard he is on himself and now I can’t leave at all because he’ll need to yell and scream about the fuck up and his new band mate won’t be able to handle it because Ken looks like the nicest guy in the world but he’s a fucking asshole when he’s pissed.

“Because he broke edge or what?” You ask lightly, you’re obviously thinking you already know the answer but you probably don’t want to offend me.

“Yeah, it’s a commitment to his friends and his family that he broke and now insults. If you made a promise and said you were going to never touch alcohol again because you knew the risks it presented to everyone around you and you broke it, I wouldn’t think that was very justifiable either. I don’t judge you for not being straight edge but he broke a promise to us and himself and fuck him for trying to make us look like the bad guys.”

You nod. “I know what you mean. I have to go, Keith. Could you put your number in for me so that I can call you? How long will you be with James?” You hand me your BlackBerry.

I put my number in for you. “Couple of days. I like calls in the morning or late evening before I go to sleep. I wake up around 7am. See you,” I kiss his jaw lightly and smile at the fact that I just scored that jaw to kiss whenever I want.

“Well, I’ll call you tomorrow morning then. See you,” You smile too, seemingly happy with the same thing I discovered.

As you get up and walk away, I watch in wonder because I thought maybe I’d talk to you tonight and you’re walking away as my boyfriend. I never thought I was good with words before but I’m luckily that something went right.