I’m Only Me When I’m With You

The crisp morning air caught my lungs. It clawed savagely, like a wildcat through me. I kept moving though. All I wanted was a pretzel. A huge one. Preferably one that was around the size of my head. I was so over the drama at home that all I could think about was drowning my sorrow in my favourite pastry.

I got the strangest feeling as I walked down the street however. It was like I was being watched…or followed.
I pulled my jacket tighter around me as if to block out the cold and the feeling that was making my blood pressure rise.
Suddenly as if by some tip from the above I was seized by the impulse to turn around to look at who was following me on this cold morning. My instinct prevailed and I was now facing my best friend Caleb.

“What have I told you about doing that!” I said a little more forcefully than intended, “I said no more playing super-sleuth! That is reserved only for when we are totally trashed that’s what!”
The look on Caleb’s face was heartbreaking.
“I’m sorry Holly, I forgot.” He looked like a puppy who someone had scorned and was reeling with shock.
I walked up to him and looped my arm through his.

“Its okay, really. I’m just kinda on edge today is all. I’m sorry” I said quietly.
“Things with your Dad again huh?” he guessed knowingly.
“Well there’s no point lying to you is there super-sleuth? Yea it’s my Dad again. He just doesn’t understand me sometimes you know? Like we are on different planets or wavelengths or something. I don’t even know why he bothers. We only ever end up fighting.”

Caleb nodded his head and remained silent as we walked. It’s always easy being with Caleb.
He always knows exactly when to try and cheer me up, and when not to. Not many people can define my needs like that.
I was just about to start humming to the song that had been stuck in my head when Caleb broke the silence by saying,

“At least you have your Dad.” I stoped walking and looked him directly in the eye. That was the first time that he had spoken about his father, even indirectly, in well…ever.
“I’m sorry Caleb I-” I started to apologise and then he cut me off with, “It doesn’t matter. Trust me.” This time it was my turn to be silent.

We started walking again, this time at a slower pace. I could practically hear the cogs ticking over in his brain. I imagine he could hear the same thing for me as well. I decided it would be better to steer the conversation out of dangerous waters and I said, “So how’s college treating you?” Caleb looked at me with his signature grin, “Oh you know, just dandy. I raided a girls dorm room the other night. Good times!” he finished with a roguish grin.
I smiled and even though I knew he was kidding, an unfamiliar pang of jealousy shot through me. I shook of the feeling as quickly as I could, I didn’t even want to contemplate the awkwardness that would rise from thinking on it.

Caleb was observing me through the corner of his eye so I hurried to put a smile on my face. “Come on Holly, cheer up. You know I’m only up when you’re not down!” I silenced the gasp that was threatening to burst out.
Just as he said that, those very lyrics were playing through my head. I couldn’t think for the life of me what the song was called, but it had been playing in my head all day.

“Hey! I’ll buy the pretzels!” he chirped, obviously pleased at what he had just said. Caleb is amazing. He even recognised exactly why I was braving the winter cold in the first place. Pretzels.

“Okay, you buy this time. That’s fine with me!” This time I had a genuine grin on my face. “So how come you are hanging out in this neck of the woods and not at your college? I asked playfully, “And how did you come to find me Sherlock Holmes?”
He punched me lightly on the arm and replied in his most pompous manner,
“Elementary my dear Watson.” he said donning the nickname he had reserved for me ever since we used to play spies when we were little. “And my proper term is Sherlock Homeless now.” I looked at him in confusion but he answered before I could ask him to elaborate.

“I’m on a two-week suspension for my night-time antics. I was about to drop in on you to beg the spare room out of your parentals for the next fortnight, when I saw you walking down here.” I nodded and said,

“I would ask why you didn’t just ask me if you could stay, but my opinion is worth nada to the oldies. Its one of the many vices of still living at home. At any rate, my worthless permission giving skills are working over-time so I say you can stay.” I laughed as he deciphered what I had just said and donning his pompous mannerism he replied with,
“Your permission is what I sought dearest my lady.” and finished with a silly bow. I giggled and took his arm again.

In reality I should have been upset that he got a suspension, but I was so glad he was here with me I forgot to be upset. And I really liked the way that he called me his lady…

“Um, Holly, there is something I need to ask you-” he cut himself off before finishing his sentence. “What is it?” I asked, curiosity mounting.
“Oh, um, nothing.” he lied quickly, “I uh- lost my train of thought. Haha choo choo!” he added lamely.
“No seriously what?” I asked again, my heart rate was going up, and my stomach started to-
“Nothing, never mind.” he said sullenly. He looked down and seemed to be suddenly fascinated by his shoes. My stomach returned to its original place in my torso. My heart seemed to deflate every breath I took.
Why had I gotten so excited…so hopeful…over nothing. Caleb is my best friend. Nothing more. Right? My mood seemed to be hitting an all-time low.

Caleb looked at me sneakily, hoping that I wouldn’t catch his eye. It didn’t work. I looked into his eyes and looked away almost as quickly as I had made eye contact.
It was weird, even though we were linking arms, it felt like there was a dirty great chasm between us.

We got to the outside of the little bakery and stopped. “Caleb, uh I’m kinda not hungry anymore. Do you mind just walking me home? We can talk to my parents if you want?”

*

Later that night I was lying in my bed, just thinking about my best friend…who was lying right across the hall from me. Was he thinking about me? Does he ever think about me the way I do him? Will he ever realise the fact that I think I love him more than anyone else in the entire world? I rolled over so as to look at my door. I watched the glow of the yellow light that was seeping through the crack between my door and the floor. Just as I was about to loll into sleep I saw two shadows blocking the light.
They were about the size of feet.
I saw a white slip of paper wedge itself between the crack and then the sound of soft footfalls and the closing of a door greeted my ears.

Slowly, as if I was scared to disturb the paper that lay on my floor, I slid out of my bed and crawled across my bedroom, belly down, butt up. I picked up the paper and with slightly trembling hands I unfolded it. I couldn’t read the writing, it was too small and my room was too dark. Excitement rising I scrambled to get up off the floor and get back in to bed. I switched on my side lamp ad slowly read the note,

Dear Holly,
This is what I tried to tell you this morning. I’m sorry it has taken so long, but it took a few tries.
To me, you are perfect. You are my everything. Always have been, always will be.
You are beautiful and kind and caring and funny and smart and annoying, and stubborn and sometimes not very lady like but that is you and I wouldn’t want you any other way.
We’ve known each other for forever and I figured that its only right to let you know how I feel.
You drive me crazy half the time, the other half I’m only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.

I’m only me when I’m with you.

I love you.

I held the letter in my hands for a moment. It was only after my neck started to get cramp did I realise that I hadn’t moved since I finished reading it. I couldn’t believe it, This right here in my hands was real, solid, material proof that I would no longer be the victim of unrequited love. Caleb, my Caleb- loves me. I slowly smoothed the letter out on my side table. I stole out of my bed quickly and tip-toed across my room. By now the hallway light was off. My parents in bed, fast asleep. (it was ten o clock of course they would be).

I slowly turned the handle on the spare room door and stole quietly into Caleb’s bedroom. The heavy breathing told me that he was fast asleep, but I didn’t care. He could wake the hell up for all I cared right now.
I tip-toed once again across to his bed and pulled back the covers.
I slid myself in next to him making as little noise as I could. Once I was lying as close as I could to his side, I breathed into his ear,

“Caleb, Caleb, wake up!” he stirred quickly and rolled over to look at my face. Through the darkness I could see that he was startled. “Holly-” he started to say but I held a finger to his lips. Without moving my finger I asked, “Did you mean what you wrote?” He nodded silently, I could almost tell he wasn’t breathing for fear of me blowing away.
I removed my finger and sat up slowly, Caleb mirroring my every move. “Then I guess you wont mind me saying this, I love you Caleb. With all my heart.”
I then leaned in to his face, nervous, excited, in love and kissed him. He put his hands around me and held me close. It was as if the kiss would last forever.
When he finally broke apart he said with his special grin, “I was hoping you would say something like that.”
I rested my head against his chest and replied, “Elementary my dear Watson.”