Mysophobia

I am sleep deprived. The most hours of sleep I have had this week must have been on Tuesday, when I had gotten seven hours of sleep. The total amount of hours for the whole seven day week must be about twenty-eight hours of sleep. That is not enough for an average teenage boy.

Tayden has gotten more sleep than I have, but only by maybe three or four hours. He refuses to let me stay up by myself, so he camps out with me. I feel bad for not telling him to go to sleep. His lack of sleep was my fault.

I was beyond furious at Julian. I had trusted him with a huge secret, and he told the whole school. And to make everything worse, this whole past week has been hard on me. I tried going to school, but everyone glared at me and pushed me into lockers. I had my head pushed in toilets after almost every class. I had people hitting me, kicking me. Taye held me, as I was sobbing, after I would come home from school. I couldn't handle it, so I just stopped showing up. My mom thought I was going to school, but only because I snuck back into the house after I "left for school," and I caught all the phone calls from the school.

I wanted to spend time with Averi, but he hasn't called. He hasn't come over, either, and it was starting to worry me. If he was still going to school, I'm sure he would be getting it worse than I was. More than anything, I wanted to hold and kiss him. I miss him.

"We can watch movies. That always takes up time."

Taye and I sat on the couch. I was cuddled up against him. The television was on, but neither of us were watching it. We were trying to find something else to do, and his suggestion of watching movies wasn't making me jump for joy.

"Sky," He was upset because I was becoming more and more depressed. He knows it, and he also knows his attempts aren't helping like he was hoping. "I'm not staying here for much longer. I don't want you to be depressed. Cheer up, for me."

I put a smile on my face, just so he'd be happy, and I even let him choose the movie. But once that movie started playing, I could feel my smile slipping, and I couldn't pull it back up. My heart is hurting too much for me to be happy.

I wrapped my arms around Taye, and I dug my face into his chest, as the tears couldn't be held back any longer. I miss my boyfriend and there isn't any sign that he's planning on stopping by. I haven't seen him in a week. I sobbed into Taye's clothed chest, ignoring the fact that my tears were soaking his shirt. Tayden never asked why I was crying, he just tried as best as he could to comfort me.

When my tears slowed, I didn't move away from Tayden. The sound of his heartbeat seemed to calm me down, and I needed to be with the person I trust most: my half brother.

I've known him all my life. He was born just a few months before me, and his mother had made my mom take care of him for the first five years of his life. I can honestly say that I've known him since we were in diapers.

Listening to his heartbeat was always something I did. I don't know why, but it just was. Tayden and I used to lay around and I would have my head on his chest, just to hear his heart beating. My mother used to always pull us apart, thinking that we were too friendly with each other. I guess we were, but I can honestly say we have never done anything sexual with each other: He's my brother, and I know (as well as feel) it is wrong.

His mother didn't live far from us: About ten, maybe twenty, minutes away. So he went to school with me, even after his mother made him live with her. I didn't know what was beginning at that time, but I know now. They--our mothers-- didn't want us to grow close. They didn't want us to know about how much of a screwed up family we were born into. They wanted us to grow up thinking our lives were normal.

"You should try to sleep," Tayden was falling asleep. I could tell just by the sound of his voice. I didn't have to lift my head to check, I just knew.

I slowly answered, not moving to look in his blue eyes.
"I'll try."

I only hoped two things wouldn't slip into my mind as I fall asleep.

One: I didn't want to think about Averi. I wanted him far in the back of my mind, as I try to sleep only because I wouldn't be able to have a well-enough sleep if I was worrying about him. I didn't want to worry about things that people might have done to him. I didn't want to think about why he wasn't coming to see me. I just wanted him to stay in the back of my mind for as long as I sleep, just so I can wake up and feel as much refreshment as I can get for falling asleep at six in the morning.

Two: I didn't want to think of Tayden leaving. I knew he wasn't going to stay long: His mother wouldn't be able to let him stay for two weeks, and one has already passed. I know I'm going to miss him, and I don't want that to ruin any chance of 'sweet dreams' I might have.

The bruises from the car accident were gone, but the bruising on my heart that these two things I try to avoid thinking about would never heal the way I want them to.