Before It's Over

I let out a breath as I hopped off the bus into the early morning air. The sun was just peaking over the horizon and it lit the sky in shades of yellow and orange. It was a peaceful sight, a calming sight, which I needed at the moment. Kyle appeared behind me and stared out over my shoulder at the sea of buses and the numerous, sleepy musicians and crew milling around.

"So, I'll come watch your set today, then?" I asked turned to face Kyle.

His hand was hooked around the corner of the wall inside the bus and his upper body leaned out of the doorway. Since I was on the ground outside, Kyle had another foot on me and had to look down to make eye contact. He smiled his usual smile and nodded before leaning down to kiss me goodbye. I had to stand up on my toes to reach. Kyle smiled once more and then turned back into the bus.

It only took me a few minutes to find my van. It was easy because of two reasons. The first, and most ridiculous, was that Ross was standing on top of the van. The second, and most predictable, was that I could hear Aiden shouting about me.

"She's in so much shit right now, she doesn't even know. Avery, why won't you answer your phone god dammit?"

"Wait! Hot, female drummer at two o'clock!" Ross shouted, pointing in my direction when he noticed me.

Aiden appeared from behind the rows of vans and buses out into the open lane. He flipped his phone shut and stormed towards me. I stopped in my tracks a braced myself for his oncoming rant.

"Where the hell were you?" He shouted when reached me. "We were worried sick!"

"Actually," Ross said as he appeared beside Aiden. "Your brother was worried sick. We were making bets on how long it took you and Kyle to get into bed."

My best friends wiggled his eyebrows mischievously and I punched him in the stomach.

"Not funny." Aiden and I chorused.

"Hey, I thought we did the twin thing!" Ross said with a pout. I rolled my eyes and began my long line of apologies to my brother.

;;

After that morning, everything seemed to carry on normally. Aiden eventually forgave me. I started getting batter at splitting my time between hanging out with my boys, playing sets, and spending time with Kyle. Also, I found myself spending time in the merch tent again. It seemed, for a time, that everything in my life was going right.

Then, there was the downfall. After that morning in the bus with Kyle, my thoughts were constantly plagued by his confession. Every minuet I spent with him was another I spent worrying about his feelings. It seemed completely unfair that Kyle loved me and I couldn't love him back. He was such a wonderful person, and I felt horrible for not giving him the relationship he deserved. I was constantly flitting back and forth between the idea of leaving and the idea of telling him a lie to make him feel better. Either way I would hurt him. Leaving him would obviously hurt right away, but lying to him was a betrayal. And lying about loving him was possible the worst way I could betray him. I was so unsure of our relationship. Everything was happening so fast. I needed guidance. I needed my big brother.

"Hey, you busy?" I asked Aiden one morning.

We were in Fresno. The date was dubbed 'the beginning of the end' by Warped founder Kevin, because it began the last stretch of tour. Aiden was trying to tidy the van, so it would be easier to unload once we got home. At the sound of my voice, his upper body appeared out of the van and his eyes squinted in the California sun.

"Not really," He said, shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand.

"Okay, good, because I need some brotherly advice on something, Kieran."

As expected, my brother's expression turned to one of worry. He did too much of that. I led my brother to the back of the van and was flooded with de ja vous. Had it only been a month since I sat here with Aiden, talking about my feelings for Kyle.

"What's up little sis?" he asked, draping a comforting arm around my shoulders.

"Kyle told me he loves me last night."

My brother was standing in an instant.

"He what?"

"I know. It's crazy, right? That's what I need advice on. So, it would be nice if you could sit back down and give me some level headed advice."

Aiden nodded and sat back down again. "Sorry. So, how are you feeling about this?" he asked.

"I have no idea. That's my problem. I'm so overwhelmed, Aiden. I mean, we sorted it out. He said I didn't have to say it back, but there's something that makes me feel like I should. And I don't want to lie to him, Aiden. I can't."

My fingers were a twisted knot in my lap. Aiden stared right through me as he thought. I felt nervous and vulnerable, too things I hated to feel. Aiden blinked and his eyes were focused again.

"I'm still not seeing what you want help with. He said you didn't have to say it back."

"Tour's almost over," I reminded him. "We're going to the east coast to record, and Kyle's going to the west coast. We'll be on opposite sides of the country. I feel like if we don't have that connection like couples who love each other do, that we won't make it. I hate to say it, but lately I've been thinking whether staying with him is even fair."

"Well, Kera, let me tell you something. These past few weeks, I've seen you at your happiest. Since you've been with Kyle you've been smiling more and laughing more. You're taking more risks and more time to just hang out. You're opening up again. He's healing you, Ave, and that’s why I like him."

"I know he's good for me, but I'm worried that I'm not good enough for him."

"Don’t say that," my brother interrupted, but I continued.

"He loves me. He loves me, but I can't love him back. I feel so horrible because I can't ever give him all he's given me."

I let out a shaky sigh and dropped my head into my hands. I felt the warmth of my brother's hand on my back.

"He's so happy." I whispered. "And I'm going to crush him."

"I guess you just made your decision," Aiden said, patting my back softly. "Like you said, tour's coming to an end. So you've got to tell him how you feel, before it's over."

My brother stood and the van wobbled a bit. My eyes stayed glued to the ground as I listened to my brother's fleeting footsteps and Cobra Starship playing the first set on the main stage a hundred yards away. As I sat alone on the edge of the van's bumper in a deserted lot, all I could think of was what a horrible person I was.

;;

I had never broken up with anyone before. I was always the 'dumpee' never the 'dumper.' So, figuring out a way to break off my relationship with Kyle was harder than I thought it would be. Every time I though about it, a pain would erupt in my chest that made my stomach churn and my knees go weak. Regret.

I knew that it was better for us, but I could still picture the look on his face when he knew. It broke my heart, but I had to do it.

"I'm doing it today," I said quietly to my brother.

Aiden was leaning over a bin of t-shirts, sifting through for the forty-five smalls we had apparently lost. At my statement, his head turned to look at my torso. After a few moments he straightened up to his normal height.

"That was fast. We only talked, like, and hour ago."

"I just wanna get if over with. Ya know?"

Aiden only shrugged, patted my shoulder and returned to the rubber bin of shirts.

I sighed and pulled my phone out of my pocket before plopping down into my lawn chair. I called Kyle, but it went straight to his voicemail. He never charges his phone. I ended the call and went back to the menu screen. I scrolled through my contacts until I found the name Kentendo, the only reliable member of Kyle's band. All the others were probably running around like mad men.

Have u seen Ky? I need to talk to him.