My Way Home Is Through You

As their friend's actions began to sink in, the guys heard Anna call out from Ray's bunk. Exchanging a worried glance with the others, Frank made his way back to the bunk area. He opened the curtain, revealing the little girl rubbing her eyes. A look of confusion crossed her face when she got a look at him.

She was expecting Ray, Frank thought with dismay.

Her face broke into a smile, however, and she exclaimed, "Frankie!"

"Hey there, snickerdoodle," Frank said, helping her out of the bunk. She snatched her doll up out of the blankets and hugged it close. As she followed Frank into the living area, she looked around curiously.

The other guys smiled at her as she joined them at the table, but within a moment it was clear that she had noticed Ray was missing.

"Where's Daddy?" she asked, the smile sliding from her face.

Gerard moved over to the couch and beckoned for Anna to join him. He pulled her up into his lap, and Frank sat down beside them.

"Sugar, your dad had to go out for a little bit," Gerard said. He wasn't prepared for the drastic reaction this statement would bring in Anna.

"Where?" she asked frantically, whipping her head from side to side as though still looking for her father. "Where did he go?" She began to shake. Gerard tried to calm her by gently rocking her in his arms.

"Shh, sweetie." He hugged her softly. "He'll be right back."

But his words seemed to have no effect. Anna slipped off his knee into the space between he and Frank, still quivering. She hugged Holly tightly and began to cry.

Unsure of how to comfort her, the guys remained silent. Frank put his arm around the girl's shoulders and pulled her close. She collapsed into the crook of his arm and sobbed.

* * * * *

Ray stormed blindly through the city streets, fighting the urge to shout at anyone who stepped in his path. After walking a few blocks, he stepped into a bar he'd seen earlier.

He sat at the bar and ordered a beer. As he sat nursing the bottle, he thought about Jenna.

It wasn't fair. He had missed out on so much. As happy as he was in the band, he couldn't help but wonder about the life he could have had. He would have seen his child's birth. He would have experienced every single birthday and Christmas. He would have been happy with Jenna and Anna.

And maybe Jenna would still be alive now. If only...

He shook his head as he ordered another beer. Best not to think like that. He really would go mad.

Suddenly, he wanted a cigarette. Ray almost never smoked; in fact, he was generally the one to nag his bandmates about quitting. But on rare occasions, he craved the nicotine to soothe his nerves. This was one of those occasions.

Seeing that the man beside him had a pack of Marlboros, he leaned over and said, "Hey, man, I hate to ask, but could I bum a smoke?"

The man turned and looked at him for a moment. He was a genial-looking man of about forty-five, and looked as though he'd just come from the office. Ray supposed he'd stopped in on his way home from work for a pick-me-up.

"Sure, pal," the man said, handing him a cigarette. He held his lighter out and lit it for him, and Ray took a long drag. Feeling slightly better, he nodded and thanked the man.

The man hesitated for a moment, then said, "Hey, aren't you one of those Chemical guys?"

Surprised, Ray looked back at him. "My Chemical Romance? Yeah, I'm Ray Toro, I play guitar."

"Yeah, I thought I recognized you!" The man held his hand out. "Russell Greyson. Good to meet you."

"It's the hair," Ray said, shaking hands with a grin. "I can't hide anywhere! Are you a fan?"

Russell chuckled and shook his head. "Nope, sorry, buddy. I'm more of a B.B. King, Muddy Waters type of guy. But my daughter sure loves you guys. Matter of fact, she just went to your show last night."

"That's awesome," Ray said. "I hope she had a good time."

"She had a blast!" Russell said with a smile. "Actually, I was wondering if..." He picked up a clean cocktail napkin and gestured toward Ray uncertainly. "If you might sign something for her?"

Ray smiled and nodded. "Of course. What's her name?"

"Ashley," Russell replied as Ray took the napkin from him. The rocker scrawled a quick note to the man's daughter and handed the napkin back. Russell smiled at the autograph for a moment, then placed it delicately in one of the pockets of his jacket.

"Thanks, buddy, she'll love this," he said.

"How old is she?" asked Ray.

"Twelve," the man replied. "Nearly thirteen. I'm not really looking forward to that."

"Why's that?" Ray asked.

"That's when they change, you know? They go from being your baby to that little monster that lives upstairs and only comes down to fight with you." He chuckled sadly and shook his head. "And they generally don't change back until after they get out of school. It's like for those five or six years, aliens come and take your sweet child away and replace it with something that's got attitude coming out of its ears."

"Really?" Ray asked, alarmed. "I've never noticed that in any of the kids at our shows."

Russell laughed. "Well, it's a little different when it's your own kid, you know." He took a swig of his drink. "Nah, they're not all that bad, really. But you always worry. Especially with little girls." He sat thoughtfully for a moment, puffing on his own cigarette.

"I guess the real reason I'm worried is because I've been in this alone for so long. See, Ashley's mother walked out on us six years ago. Made it kind of rough." Ray nodded, listening intently. "For a long time, I sat there focusing on myself, wondering what was going to happen to me. Ashley actually got through it better than I did."

"Really? How?" Ray hung on the man's every word.

"Well, she was pretty young, to begin with. I think sometimes kids just have a better grip on these sort of things. Better than we give them credit for, anyway. But me... Aw, man, I was a wreck."

"What did you do?"

"Got my head out from up my own ass. Realized that yeah, my wife didn't love me anymore. She didn't want to be with me. And she wasn't coming back. But it wasn't just me she left - she left our daughter, too. And I had to be there for her.

My Ash is a good kid. I take a lot of pride in that. And if it hadn't been for her, and knowing that I was all she had, I'd have never gotten through it all. You just have to realize that it's about your kids, not you. Really puts things in perspective." He took another sip of his drink.

"Sorry, man, I don't mean to talk your ear off about stuff like this," he said sheepishly. "I guess a bar will do that to you."

Ray shook his head and smiled. "Not at all, I'm happy to listen. The other guys say I'm really good at that."

"Well, I appreciated it, man," Russell slugged back the rest of his drink and looked at his watch. "I better get going, Ashley'll be getting home from her friend's house soon. They had such a blast last night at that concert, she called me at midnight to tell me about it!"

Ray laughed. "Well, I'm really glad she had so much fun. I'll have to tell the guys about it when I get back."

Russell stood and paid his tab, then nodded toward Ray. "It was good to meet you, pal. Thanks again for the autograph, she'll be thrilled."

"Any time, dude," Ray said.

After Russell had left, Ray sat thinking about what the older man had said. Suddenly, he shook himself. Quaffing the last of his beer and, paying his tab, he stood up.

He had to get back. His daughter was waiting for him.